Honor your parents or your marriage first?

[netsirkclair]

I am married to a Catholic man, we married in the church and baptized our son who is three in the Catholic church. I am also taking RCIA classes to become Catholic.
I am constantly having an internal moral struggle about how much to support my husband being gone a lot to check on his mom versus him being my husband and father to our son.
Example… I may ask him to come right home from work so we can spend some time together but he repeatedly does not come right home and he helps his mom or dad or brother without talking to me about it. He goes to check on his mom before work because she lives alone (his father lives with his brother, and my in-laws are still married).
I do not wish for him to stop helping his parents. And I even do things for them on my own accord to help out and make it easier for my husband. But I don’t feel like he sees us a family, he is more concerned about getting things done at his moms house. He thinks nothing is wrong and does not talk to me about how I am feeling.
I am so sad and lost because I believe in the sacredness and indissolubility of marriage but he doesn’t support me and I cannot rely on him. He is not there for me.
Is it okay for him to disregard my needing to spend time with him? To focus more on his parents than on his son and me? And he even wants to spend Christmas eve with his mom and not go with me and our son to my family’s. I’m so heartbroken and need Catholic advice. I want to do the right thing in the eyes of Christ and God, but how much am I to suffer because he doesn’t seem to respect our marriage?

 

[travissbeloved]

When a man is married he leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

That being said it is not inherently bad to help out our parents from time to time or even have them live with us etc if they are in such a state but what he’s doing seems to be going too far. For one he should always be communicating with you if he is going to be home late or not come home at a certain time that you guys have a greed upon, etc.

Another thing is that before his responsibility to his parents is his responsibility as a husband and a father. These are the things he commited to when you guys got married. If you need him at home more and he can be (some men cannot due to military lifestyle, etc) then that is where he needs to be.

I would talk to him about this and maybe even schedule an appointment with your parish priest because they can often work as an outside party to moderate the conversation and put God at the forefront. He may also have some helpful advice on how your husband can divide his time between his parents and you guys but always putting his wife and children first.

When a man is married he is supposed to love his wife like Jesus loved the Church. He does not seem like he is dying to himself for you at all.

 

[SubjectVerb]

When a man is married he leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.

That being said it is not inherently bad to help out our parents from time to time or even have them live with us etc if they are in such a state but what he’s doing seems to be going too far. For one he should always be communicating with you if he is going to be home late or not come home at a certain time that you guys have a greed upon, etc.

Another thing is that before his responsibility to his parents is his responsibility as a husband and a father. These are the things he commited to when you guys got married. If you need him at home more and he can be (some men cannot due to military lifestyle, etc) then that is where he needs to be.

I would talk to him about this and maybe even schedule an appointment with your parish priest because they can often work as an outside party to moderate the conversation and put God at the forefront. He may also have some helpful advice on how your husband can divide his time between his parents and you guys but always putting his wife and children first.

When a man is married he is supposed to love his wife like Jesus loved the Church. He does not seem like he is dying to himself for you at all.

This. I couldn’t say it better.

However, you do say that “He even wants to spend Christmas eve with his mom and not go with me and our son to my family’s.” Perhaps y’all could do both? If he is so concerned about his mom, maybe he has a reason that he wants to spend Christmas with her? Is there any reason you can’t spend it with her as well?

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a job for communication. The problem doesn’t simply have to do with demands on him coming from his mother. It has more to do with how he is handling his anxieties about his mother and how the two of you can attend to that together instead of putting you into competition with her or vice versa.

The good thing is that you treat his mother as if she were your own mother–that is, you don’t act as if your parents are your worry and his parents are his worry.

I would approach this as an issue of being on the same page, about his time not being his own or your time being your own, but the two of you agreeing on how to live your one life. You, after all, would not take your son off on some outing without letting your husband know what you’re about. You parent together, and he is consulted about how your family life goes. Well, the same goes for your extended family life. You obviously don’t want to be in competition with his mom. You simply want to be in agreement about what you (plural) are going to do for her, when, and how. When you are home alone so he can be with her, after all, that is your gift to her, too.

If he insists on going to his mom’s on Christmas Eve, insist on going with him.

 

[Millie123]

I think that there needs to be given more information about your husband’s parents health and their ability to care for themselves. Why is your father in law living with your brother inlaw, is your father in law at a point in his life where he is unable to care for himself? Likewise is you mother in law having a difficult time taking care of herself and her own household? And therefore your husband may have a valid concern about her being properly cared for and feels the need to check on her often. Is her health to the point where she needs more assistance taking care of her home? It may not be that your husband is deliberately being disrepectful to you. But is legitametly concerned that his mother needs more help in her home. Can you possibly talk to him about arranging a regular time for him to go to his mothers house to check on his mother? Perhaps you can make a schedule for your husband to go to his mothers for 1 hour after work 3 days a week so then you are prepared that your husband will be coming home late. Also perhaps you can talk to him about spending christmas eve with his mother and then spend christmas day with your family. Or if that wont work perhaps you can even take his mother to spend Christmas with your family.

 

[maryjk]

And he even wants to spend Christmas eve with **his mom **and not go with me and our son to my family’s.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but it sounds like you want him to go with you and be with your family and ignore his family.

Unless you aren’t invited to spend Christmas with his family?

 

[netsirkclair]

We spend Christmas day with his parents and Christmas eve with mine. I ask him before every holiday how he wants to split it up. He wanted me and my son to go to my family’s without him. I offered to make breakfast and we could go over to his moms for Christmas Eve if he wanted. I would never want him to ignore his family. However, they do not treat him with respect and his mom will shame him for things and blame him for things, anything, and he is the only one who is over there to check on her. His sister will go once a week.
His dad does not want to live with the mother. His brother has mental problems and does not leave the house very often.
I have tried to be as supportive as I can. I have prayed to be more supportive. But I have feeling so hurt and lonely in our marriage I do get upset and sad and look to work things out for us but he isn’t interested in talking it out, he has said before it is what it is and he is doing the best he can.

 

[EasterJoy]

We spend Christmas day with his parents and Christmas eve with mine. I ask him before every holiday how he wants to split it up. He wanted me and my son to go to my family’s without him. I offered to make breakfast and we could go over to his moms for Christmas Eve if he wanted. I would never want him to ignore his family. However, they do not treat him with respect and his mom will shame him for things and blame him for things, anything, and he is the only one who is over there to check on her. His sister will go once a week.
His dad does not want to live with the mother. His brother has mental problems and does not leave the house very often.
I have tried to be as supportive as I can. I have prayed to be more supportive. But I have feeling so hurt and lonely in our marriage I do get upset and sad and look to work things out for us but he isn’t interested in talking it out, he has said before it is what it is and he is doing the best he can.

He probably does not realize it, but “It is what it is” is simply another way of saying “I have decided for myself to do what I’ve decided to do, I don’t need your permission, and if it upsets you, too bad.” Tell him that you feel as you do and that not talking about it is not an option. He married you; he has a duty towards you, too.

 

[netsirkclair]

Thank you. I am trying to stand up for our marriage, but I don’t know w to engage him in opening up and talking to me, respecting my feelings and working together. I have asked so many times what can I do better and what does he need from me, and he says “nothing”. I am going to suggest we sit down with a Catholic priest. I would love that. I am trying and wanting so desperately to make our marriage work.
Thank you everyone for the replies!

 

[netsirkclair]

Welcome to the forums, thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story. It is good that you are here seeking advice and know you will be in the prayers of many!

I am not understanding your question clearly. You asked “how much are you to suffer because he doesn’t respect your marriage” Does this mean you are seeking to separate or seek divorce? I cannot really answer your question specifically as to how much Jesus is calling you to suffer, we are all called to suffer at some point and bear our crosses and they are all painful and difficult.

I could agree with you that your husband is being unreasonable but that does not really accomplish much. I am basically some anonymous person on the internet and so my opinion does not probably carry much weight in your marriage.

I have a question for you though. Is there something else (possibly) that is going on in your marriage? I ask this because it seems like your husband is going to great lengths to avoid you. He doesn’t come home, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t even want to spend Christmas with you…these are NOT good signs. Talk to your husband, tell him you love him and that you want to spend time with him because you love him and that you want to spend time with him as a family because he is a good and loving man and you love him! There is a chance he is using his mother’s home as an escape and that is not good, you need to come together and be united.

Take an honest look and see what you have done to contribute to the decline of your marriage, and tell your husband that you promise you will work on improving that. Then ask him if he will try and be home more and work on his faults as well. Love is what will bring you two together again, not guilt or nagging or fighting or one-upmanship or who is right or wrong but LOVE. Hope this helps a little, God bless you.

I am not wanting to separate or divorce. I have been trying so hard to make things work. But he doesn’t want to work on things or admit anything is wrong or acknowledge my feelings. I am breaking down and trying to pray and find comfort in God to get me through this and us through this. I just posted that I have asked what I can do better and what he needs from me but he says “nothing”. I guess my aquestion about how long am I to suffer is really, what else can I do to help our situation and what can I do if he continues to not work with me, respond to me and care about my feelings and wishes to make our marriage better. Thank you. .

 

[90Domer]

This. I couldn’t say it better.

However, you do say that “He even wants to spend Christmas eve with his mom and not go with me and our son to my family’s.” Perhaps y’all could do both? If he is so concerned about his mom, maybe he has a reason that he wants to spend Christmas with her? Is there any reason you can’t spend it with her as well?

Marriage always comes before parents, as you are now your own domestic Church. But is there any reason his mom cannot spend Christmas with your family or vice versa?

 

[netsirkclair]

Marriage always comes before parents, as you are now your own domestic Church. But is there any reason his mom cannot spend Christmas with your family or vice versa?

I have tried several times at Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving to have combined dinners at our house but she refuses and has to have it at her house. She doesn’t want to come to our house, my husband doesn’t seem to know why, other than saying he is treated differently than his siblings and they do whatever his sister wants. Unfortunately her house is too cluttered to be able to fit my parents there too and my parents always include my great aunt and cousin and my godmother, and I have a brother who is married with one child. His family is just his parents and three siblings, who would all easily fit at our house. Its hard too because my husband gets angry when we go to his family’s if his other brother is there and sometimes has is out with his sister. I wish we could combine and they would join us so our families could all be together.

 

[Millie123]

I am not wanting to separate or divorce. I have been trying so hard to make things work. But he doesn’t want to work on things or admit anything is wrong or acknowledge my feelings. I am breaking down and trying to pray and find comfort in God to get me through this and us through this. I just posted that I have asked what I can do better and what he needs from me but he says “nothing”. I guess my aquestion about how long am I to suffer is really, what else can I do to help our situation and what can I do if he continues to not work with me, respond to me and care about my feelings and wishes to make our marriage better. Thank you. .

Call me crazy but your post isnt clear to me as to what the problem is either. Is it the fact that he feels the need to help his mother? Is part of the problem that he visits his mother without asking you? Is it the fact that he wants to spend some part of the christmas holiday with his family? In your OP you’ve basically said that your husband makes frequent visits with his mother to help her around her house and he goes there without talking to you first, and he wants to spend part of christmas with his family while you want to spend part of christmas with with yours. Im just really unclear as to what it is you’re upset about. In my marriage its a given that we will help eachothers families out. And we dont have to pass it by it by eachother to visit with family. I visit my family without telling husband all of the time. Sometimes I just stop by my parents house to say “hi mom and dad” my husband doesnt have the expectation on me to call him first to discuss me visiting with family. Im trying to charitably say that from your post I dont understand why you are upset with your husband.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. I am trying to stand up for our marriage, but I don’t know w to engage him in opening up and talking to me, respecting my feelings and working together. I have asked so many times what can I do better and what does he need from me, and he says “nothing”. I am going to suggest we sit down with a Catholic priest. I would love that. I am trying and wanting so desperately to make our marriage work.
Thank you everyone for the replies!

I have known many men, relatives included, have to be practically dragged kicking and screaming to a Marriage Encounter Weekend, and they came back all praise for it. These are guys who were literally trying to bribe their wives in order to find any way possible to avoid this opportunity! The weekends don’t do much except provide a place where there is nothing to do but communicate about your marriage in the context of its importance and holiness (not to mention the avenues of mutual happiness that are often hidden where couples do not guess). Still, sometimes they do wonders, especially when the couple has a solid basic affection but perhaps don’t know each other as well as they think. Try to get him away for one of those, before you need Retrovaille. Prepare for him to drag his heels, but keep at him!! It is only one weekend, after all, a lot easier than week after week of counseling.

 

[netsirkclair]

Call me crazy but your post isnt clear to me as to what the problem is either. Is it the fact that he feels the need to help his mother? Is part of the problem that he visits his mother without asking you? Is it the fact that he wants to spend some part of the christmas holiday with his family? In your OP you’ve basically said that your husband makes frequent visits with his mother to help her around her house and he goes there without talking to you first, and he wants to spend part of christmas with his family while you want to spend part of christmas with with yours. Im just really unclear as to what it is you’re upset about. In my marriage its a given that we will help eachothers families out. And we dont have to pass it by it by eachother to visit with family. I visit my family without telling husband all of the time. Sometimes I just stop by my parents house to say “hi mom and dad” my husband doesnt have the expectation on me to call him first to discuss me visiting with family. Im trying to charitably say that from your post I dont understand why you are upset with your husband.

I am not at all upset that he wants to help his mom. She doesn’t treat him with respect and is at times downright rude to him, but I respect that he wants to help his mom. It does upset me how she treats him and how hard he is still trying to earn her love. But I help out too.
I stay at home with our son and we only have one car. It does upset me that he just stops and comes home whenever and we do not discuss our own family plan for the evening or if there is a plan. Its not the stopping by to visit his family, I would be wrong to be upset that he wants to see his parents. Its the lack of unity, togetherness, communication, support and time that upsets me. Its that he doesn’t ask me what is going on with us and doesn’t try to make special time for us that upsets me. Its that if I ask him to come right home because I really need some time with him, that more times than not he will still stop by his moms or help his dad without telling me and letting me know. I have no choice because he makes it for me.
I am not at all upset he wants to spend Christmas with his family. I am embarrassed to think I gave that impression. I have tried to get our families together but his mom won’t come to our house and her house isn’t suitable for all my family. I discuss it with him and ask what he wants and we have always done Christmas eve dinner
With my family and Christmas with his. What made me upset is him not wanting to have Christmas eve dinner with me and our son with my family, when we are doing Christmas dinner with his, and my parents usually don’t do anything Christmas dinner. Maybe I did overreact, or maybe its just that I am hurting because I feel like he is constantly “abandoning” for lack of a better term, my son and I and like I am competing against his mom for his love and attention. I have tried to have him take our son over there to his mom’s just the two of them but he won’t because he says it is too hard. His mom has dogs that have accidents on the floor and she doesn’t take care of them, my husband does. Its not easy to take our son there because the one dog, but my husband doesn’t want leave it outside and he seems to get stressed but I have tried to offer to make dinner there for her once a week but its confusing because he doesn’t seem to want that.
I know what you are saying about just stooping by to say hi to your parents or your husband his. But what if that means you aren’t home for dinner or your spouse or you doesn’t communicate with you about your own family? So many times I don’t know where my husband is and is that fair to me? I will reevaluate myself and I have been so hard to be supportive. Bit it gets lonely and I feel for my son who is missing out on his father.

 

[netsirkclair]

I have known many men, relatives included, have to be practically dragged kicking and screaming to a Marriage Encounter Weekend, and they came back all praise for it. These are guys who were literally trying to bribe their wives in order to find any way possible to avoid this opportunity! The weekends don’t do much except provide a place where there is nothing to do but communicate about your marriage in the context of its importance and holiness (not to mention the avenues of mutual happiness that are often hidden where couples do not guess). Still, sometimes they do wonders, especially when the couple has a solid basic affection but perhaps don’t know each other as well as they think. Try to get him away for one of those, before you need Retrovaille. Prepare for him to drag his heels, but keep at him!! It is only one weekend, after all, a lot easier than week after week of counseling.

Thank you EasterJoy, I will look into that! I heard of that retrovaille one but not the encounter. Awesome!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you EasterJoy, I will look into that! I heard of that retrovaille one but not the encounter. Awesome!

World Wide Marriage Encounter started in the '70s, I think. If it is has a “weak point”, it is that the couples do a lot of communicating but don’t have anyone to tell them what to do with all the things they say to each other. For a couple with a lot of anger, resentment, or serious strife, I’d do Retrovaille or get a marriage counselor, instead, but for the average couple who could improve with just some more talking–which they are either too busy to do or which one spouse wants to do but the other one finds excuses not to do! –well, I have seen some very happy “customers”.

(My husband and I did “Engaged Encounter” and found we had talked about most of the stuff that was proposed as topics. That was nice to know, too. Remember to be grateful for the parts you DON’T need! A mutual pat on the back will be in order!)

 

[EasterJoy]

I am not at all upset that he wants to help his mom. She doesn’t treat him with respect and is at times downright rude to him, but I respect that he wants to help his mom. It does upset me how she treats him and how hard he is still trying to earn her love. But I help out too.
I stay at home with our son and we only have one car. It does upset me that he just stops and comes home whenever and we do not discuss our own family plan for the evening or if there is a plan. Its not the stopping by to visit his family, I would be wrong to be upset that he wants to see his parents. Its the lack of unity, togetherness, communication, support and time that upsets me. Its that he doesn’t ask me what is going on with us and doesn’t try to make special time for us that upsets me. Its that if I ask him to come right home because I really need some time with him, that more times than not he will still stop by his moms or help his dad without telling me and letting me know. I have no choice because he makes it for me.
I am not at all upset he wants to spend Christmas with his family. I am embarrassed to think I gave that impression. I have tried to get our families together but his mom won’t come to our house and her house isn’t suitable for all my family. I discuss it with him and ask what he wants and we have always done Christmas eve dinner
With my family and Christmas with his. What made me upset is him not wanting to have Christmas eve dinner with me and our son with my family, when we are doing Christmas dinner with his, and my parents usually don’t do anything Christmas dinner. Maybe I did overreact, or maybe its just that I am hurting because I feel like he is constantly “abandoning” for lack of a better term, my son and I and like I am competing against his mom for his love and attention. I have tried to have him take our son over there to his mom’s just the two of them but he won’t because he says it is too hard. His mom has dogs that have accidents on the floor and she doesn’t take care of them, my husband does. Its not easy to take our son there because the one dog, but my husband doesn’t want leave it outside and he seems to get stressed but I have tried to offer to make dinner there for her once a week but its confusing because he doesn’t seem to want that.
I know what you are saying about just stooping by to say hi to your parents or your husband his. But what if that means you aren’t home for dinner or your spouse or you doesn’t communicate with you about your own family? So many times I don’t know where my husband is and is that fair to me? I will reevaluate myself and I have been so hard to be supportive. Bit it gets lonely and I feel for my son who is missing out on his father.

I know many people who have a MIL or FIL who is no picnic to get along with. It is hard to see your spouse treated like that, but you are kind of stuck letting each person work it out with each other person. You can’t step in and fix your spouse’s relationships with anyone else, but especially not with parents.

If my experience is any indication, you will probably be one jewel of a MIL. Most women whose MsIL were tyrannical make a big effort to keep their noses out of their children’s marriages!

 

[FriendlyFace]

I am so sad and lost because I believe in the sacredness and indissolubility of marriage but he doesn’t support me and I cannot rely on him. He is not there for me.
Is it okay for him to disregard my needing to spend time with him? To focus more on his parents than on his son and me? And he even wants to spend Christmas eve with his mom and not go with me and our son to my family’s. I’m so heartbroken and need Catholic advice. I want to do the right thing in the eyes of Christ and God, but how much am I to suffer because he doesn’t seem to respect our marriage?

You should come before his parents absolutely, but this is a common problem in marriage (I gather.) People make things other than their spouse the priority and it rips the marriage apart. Ultimately, if he values the marriage, he’s not just hurting you, he’s hurting himself and your child, albeit probably totally inadvertently.

It’s not okay for him to disregard your need to spend time with him anymore than it would be okay for you to be dismissive of his needs. He needs to leave his parents and cleave to you. It doesn’t seem like he fully realizes that.

I don’t have any advice other than to say that you two may need to go to marriage counseling. He may need an outside perspective in order to see that his priorities are wrong and are causing you suffering. His priorities should be 1) God 2) You 3) His Child 4) His Parents. That’s my understanding of marriage anyway. I will pray. I hope things look up soon. Hang in there.

 

[netsirkclair]

You should come before his parents absolutely, but this is a common problem in marriage (I gather.) People make things other than their spouse the priority and it rips the marriage apart. Ultimately, if he values the marriage, he’s not just hurting you, he’s hurting himself and your child, albeit probably totally inadvertently.

It’s not okay for him to disregard your need to spend time with him anymore than it would be okay for you to be dismissive of his needs. He needs to leave his parents and cleave to you. It doesn’t seem like he fully realizes that.

I don’t have any advice other than to say that you two may need to go to marriage counseling. He may need an outside perspective in order to see that his priorities are wrong and are causing you suffering. His priorities should be 1) God 2) You 3) His Child 4) His Parents. That’s my understanding of marriage anyway. I will pray. I hope things look up soon. Hang in there.

Thank you for prayers and cheers!