Honoring my (bad) mother?

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Stephanie12

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What is honoring really mean? I am an adult with my own family. My mother lives seven hours away., and the truth is I don’t want anything to do with her. So my question is what is required of me as a good catholic?
thanks
 
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Stephanie12:
What is honoring really mean? I am an adult with my own family. My mother lives seven hours away., and the truth is I don’t want anything to do with her. So my question is what is required of me as a good catholic?
thanks
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“Honor” means respect. The bible says, to honor your mother and father. It does not say honor them if they are good, and dishonor if they are bad. I do not know, nor do I want to know, what your mother has done to you. I know there are bad parents out there. Parents who abuse their kids, each other or themselves. We should still respect them, that is, show them respect as our parents. This does not mean we obey what they tell us if what they tell us is wrong. You are an adult with a life and children of your own, you must make good decisions for youself. Your mother will answer to God for her deeds and you will answer for yours. Do not make dishonoring her one that God will have to deal with. Seek God in prayer and scripture, ask for strength and wisdom. Pray for your mom. She will, some day stand before her judge and it would be better if you knew you had done everything to ease her judgment. I will add you and your mother to my prayer list.
James
 
Thanks. I talked to a preist and he told me to pray that I can get stronger, to be able to have a relationship with her , but to be able to retain my peace.
 
Sometimes the closest you can get, in self defense, is a kind of detached dutifulness. A relationship must be a two-way street. On the other hand, duty can be accomplished by one person towards another. “Honor” does not necessarily mean that the ‘warm and fuzzies’ will EVER be part of your interaction. Sometimes “growing up” means disengaging from your emotional desires and expections (all children WANT to love their parents) and recognizing that a mature, equal, loving relationship is never going to happen for you.

Makes it a whole lot easier to manage a difficult situation when you relinquish all desire of positive response, all expectation that your “needs” will be met. Then you can do what you need to do without bitterness.

Is that love? I don’t know. Maybe it is all the “love” as a problem personality is capable of receiving.
 
Stephanie,

I, too, have a difficult relationship with my mother. I believe honoring your parents is entirely different than respecting your parents. Respect is earned. If your mother has not earned your respect, then you do not owe it to her. To honor your mother, you should make sure her needs are met, that she knows that you love her and pray for her (perhaps a call 1-2 times per week?). I’m not sure what problems you have with your mom, but you do not have to loan money if she wastes it on drugs or other things of that nature. You do not have to take her in. You can make sure she has a safe place to live with a roof over her head, but it need not be with you. You should not gossip or speak poorly of her, unless it is with a priest or spiritual advisor of that may need to understand the history of your situation. This is the one that is difficult for me. I try so hard not to complain about mother to my sister, husband, friends. It is possible though and is a good suffering to offer up for her soul and other souls in Purgatory. God bless you as you try to work out such a difficult relationship. For some reason, when you don’t get along with your mother, it seems to effect the rest of the areas in your life.
 
If it is causing major disruption to your life - constant sorrow, anger, angst, emotional roller coaster, etc, you should get some serious counseling.

Counseling doesn’t mean you are crazy; it is a sign of a reasonably healthy person to admit they may not ahve the emotional or psychological tools in place to deal with a situation. Most diocese have something like Catholic Family Services, with trained and licensed counselors. Give it a try; you may find peace of mind and a better way od assessing the situation and dealing with it.
 
I can commiserate, Stephanie. My mother and I have a very strained relationship as often as not. She’s sometimes very difficult to talk to or be around, and since she lives down the street from me and likes to help with my toddler once or twice a week, there isn’t much distance to be had.

There have been times when I have cut off communication completely. I don’t believe I was wrong to do this under the circumstances. If a person causes you to sin, is it not better to avoid that person temporarily in order to regain strength and resolve? That was my tack, anyway.

My counselor explained our relationship in terms of a “dance.” He said that in order for her to get her way (control over me) we both had to participate in the dance. The minute I stopped dancing, she lost her vice grip. It devastated my mother (one who is easily devastated when she does’t get her way) but gave me a tremendous sense of relief and a chance to get my emotions back on track.

I’d say, if you’re in a really tough spot and it’s hard to control your thoughts and emotions during the involvement with her, take a few weeks out of the “dance” and then go back in with new resolve. A real relationship may never occur (it takes two, after all), but you can still fulfill your obligation to love and honor her … even if she never sees it.
 
This is an area I struggle with, too.

Can I rant for a minute? I can’t answer your question, but I have been feeling this weight on my shoulders and feel like I’m going to burst! My mom is actually a good person. I see her strengths in loving people. But she is also very manipulative and she cannot think for herself at all. I will make mention of something and the next thing I know, she has used it as conversation starters or as a thought she has had to ponder with somebody else. It shouldn’t unnerve me, but it does. We have different backgrounds even though she raised me. I believe in God…she believes in God if God is willing to bend His ways and give her what she wants. I believe in marriage, she too believes in marriage, 3 of them…all of the men in her life don’t live up to the Fabio image she has in her head, and she gossips about them — sometimes right in front of them and thinks it’s funny. The list could go on, but then I would really be a bad person, my point is that she’s really not a bad person, but she has some quirks that drive me insane. Sometimes she criticizes me for being too “overbearing” with my kids. I wouldn’t let my daughter buy a skimpy (modest would have been fine) 2 piece bathing suit, so what did my mom do? Without my permission…she bought her the skimpiest one she could find! Then told everybody around that “anybody who doesn’t let their daughters wear 2 pieces is crazy!” My daughter is 14 years old!!! Ugh :mad: So, I calmly told my daughter to cover herself up, got into my moms face and quietly (actually, I hissed the words) told her that she had no business interfering in my clothing decisions for my daughter. :mad:

Oh my. That felt good to get off my chest. Thank you all for letting me rant and rave. Honor my mother. I suppose I better head for Confession now! 😦
 
You know what Stephanie I had a pretty good relationship with my mom until my father was killed. After that it was one argument after another. It was a constant pain in all the parts of my body just to deal with her. Anyhow when she got sick just a few years later things started to fall into perspective and God’s plan was evolving. He needed me strong because I was the oldest girl of 9 and when my father was killed I was only 18 leaving 7 kids behind me ranging in age 6 to 16 my mom got sick just 5 years later and died 4 years after that I was 27 and the youngest was 16. I would have never been able to handle any of this had it not been for God’s grace. Without going into specifics my suggestion is pray and pray hard, but most of all try to love your mother and God will stay present in your dealings. I have to say that out of all my brothers and sisters my life has been the most blest and that is because I prayed all the time. One other thing is try and offer it up when you need to deal with your mom offer it up to God He will take that and put it to good use. Hope you find your peace.

God Bless
Kathleen
 
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Stephanie12:
What is honoring really mean? I am an adult with my own family. My mother lives seven hours away., and the truth is I don’t want anything to do with her. So my question is what is required of me as a good catholic?
thanks
Click to expand...
Stephanie,

First of all, welcome to the list; I noticed you are a new member. I am new to this forum too…I think you will find it very helpful, and will find some new friends.

Now to your problem…this is a bear that I had to struggle with myself! I use to really hate to hear those words…Honor thy father and mother…it would hurt deep down, and be a painful reminder that all is not right in my relationship with my mom.

I’ll spare you the details of the long journey, and just give it to you in a nutshell…The scripture that really woke me up, was Be ye perfect, as your Father in Heaven …lol…I thought be perfect! Having trouble with the basics how can I be perfect! It was explained to me that what this verse is refering to is God’s Perfect Love, and we should try and love as God Loves…that is to be all encompassing(spelling). I suddenly had an Epiphany, that it was necessary for me to try and love my mother unconditionally(warts and all), and after all that is all I really wanted from her. Where as before, I would just be responding to her as the hurt child…Now, having said that…let me tell you it WASN’T EASY! It took much, much prayer, and small baby steps…and honestly I am not still were I need to be in relationship with my mother…sometimes, I fall…and then I have to start all over, but it gets easier because the path has already been laid. That is to say, I just pick up where I left off and build on what I have already done.

I am not saying that this is a type of love, where I become a doormat for her…and take her abuse. Rather, I now as an adult, can say the things I couldn’t as a child and teenager. When she is hurtful to me, I tell her…in a very loving manner…Mom when you treat me like that, it hurts, it damages our relationship, and it makes me not to want to be around you.

I am starting to see some fruits from this…mostly the change has been in me, but also in her. I am being to have more compassion for her, and I no longer have this “You monster, Me victim” attitude. She had things happen to her, in her childhood that left her scared as well, she passed those wounds to me…so now the ball is in my court…do I pass them back to her or offer them up to God. I would love someday to have my mom’s unconditional love…it may never happened, but I can go to my Maker knowing I tried.

I really hope this makes sense and helps…God be with you…Pam
 
surf(name removed by moderator)ure
KGalvan
PassthePeace1
BOBKAT

Wow. You all seem to have similar experiences with your mothers as I do. I like how surf(name removed by moderator)ure described it as a “dance”.

Anyway, I’ve read this great book entitled “Children of the Self-Absorbed” by Nina D. Brown, PhD. I’ve read it many times, usually I skim it just before spending time with my mother. I’ve recommended it to a few other posters who have difficulties with their mothers. If you get a chance, read it, and let me know what you think—you can PM me if you like. God bless you all. We’re not alone!!!
 
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