Horrible anxiety, partially stemming from vocation questions, quitting discernment

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viv0401

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22 yo F college grad. BAD ANXIETY WHEN I THINK ABOUT VOCATION QUESTIONS.

Didn’t think abt religious life until a powerful Adoration conversion earlier this year. Didn’t hear a “nun call” specifically, but I did experience radical Love that made me want to run to Christ. There were nuns present & I think seeing them is what inspired the idea that maybe that’s what I was supposed to do. This open question has plagued me since January of this year.

The problem is I don’t want it. I think family life and a career are deep desires of mine. A couple of weeks ago, I felt like the HS inspired a mental breakthrough revealing my future career, and I’ve been excited to work towards this new goal–but I’m not sure if that is just me projecting an alternative path that I came up with onto the Lord’s will or if it was truly a divine breakthrough. I am very afraid that I might end up a sister in the future, or that I will disappoint God if I don’t, and then He won’t let me be happy or have graces in Heaven. The anxiety I feel about it can get all-consuming, and is destroying my life. It sometimes makes me think about harming myself just so I can escape it.

I know religious life is a beautiful, blessed way of life. But sometimes the thought of being forced or guilted into it because I think it might be God’s will, whether or not I am not on board, makes me want to throw up, or gives me visceral panic attacks (sobbing, palpitations, hyperventilating). It’s debilitating and scary. I have a history of having intrusive obsessive-compulsive thought patterns, so I can’t tell if this is another thought pattern my mind has constructed to scare me, or if its a persistent tug to be surrendered to.

Regardless, I’ve been taking active steps in discernment (talking to sisters, calling orders, seeking SD). But I’ve come up on a lot of dead ends, which is frustrating, because I just want to see if “the peace of God falls upon me as I rest inside a convent that is to be my future home” (an experience many have said I will have if its my vocation). For example: Some orders I reached out to never got back to me. Had plans to go on a retreat that got ruined bc of quarantine. Made plans to v intentionally discern for 5 mos by working w/ some orders abroad, but didn’t get funding + school cancelled all int’l travel. My search for a SD has come up short despite asking 5-6 people to do it or help me find one. One order I liked got back to me only to tell me they’re in a covid hotspot & have no idea when I could visit. I feel stuck, but feel like I won’t have peace unless I have a definitive answer, but I feel like I can’t have one until I do something instead of just praying, which I think can only get me so far (am I wrong?)

Sometimes I think I might be hearing God’s voice asking me to give Him my heart but I’m not sure if it’s “real” or just a function of my anxiety + having watched a bunch of vocation stories where women said the same. I just want to be able to exist in peace, without the torment of these questions paralyzing me. This makes me want to give up discerning altogether for good, just so I can have peace again.
 
I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much.

Please get in touch with a health professional as soon as possible. I get that may be difficult because of Covid, but you really need to talk to someone. Wanting to self-harm is really serious, and you need professional support. If you also have a history of obsessive thoughts, that’s something a therapist can help you with. Many are offering online or phone consultations so you should be able to find someone.

Would you be able to phone or email your Priest? He will also be able to guide you.
 
Thanks for your concern

I have tried getting in touch with three priests actually, one from school, one from my home parish, and one who is my Uncle. I’ve tried expressing my pain/fear to them but I feel like they were not very well-equipped to address the mental health aspect of what I am going through (my uncle sort of tried and told me that being confused or nervous is normal but I should slow down my mind and remember that I don’t have to make any decisions any time soon).

They are also three of the people I’ve reached out to for SD, thus far to no end.

But, perhaps I’ll try contacting one of them again and telling him about the extent to which I have been suffering. Sometimes just being able to talk about what’s going on in my head helps.

And I also just reached out to a Catholic tele-counseling service, so I hope they get back to me!
 
It sounds like you have some mental difficulties which happen to be playing themselves out on the field of your vocation, so seeing someone who can help with that seems like a good idea.

God does not call us to a state of life we feel really miserable about! It sounds like you like the idea of marrying and raising a family, and that is a wonderful vocation 🙂 And it sounds like you do not like the idea of becoming a nun: a lot of people are really not temperamentally suited for the religious life–they would be like square pegs trying to pound themselves into round holes.

While Catholics are called to suffer for Christ, it is not by choosing a mode of life that makes them miserable. Each mode of life contains its own crosses aplenty, so you will not be avoiding anything by choosing to marry!
 
The main thing right now is to get some support for your mental health, which does not have to be from a Catholic source. Your regular physician, counselor, etc. can help.

Discerning a vocation shouldn’t be this distressing for you. I am sure God doesn’t want you to be this troubled trying to work out what he wants for you. You’re young. You can decide in your own time and in God’s own time. For now, just live your life and see what God tells you. I sometimes used to wonder about having a religious vocation, but it didn’t stress me out. While living life normally, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Also, please remember that we all have a vocation. If your vocation is to have a career, get married, and have children, that’s as much a vocation as being a nun or sister. In fact, it is what God chooses for most of us.
 
viv0401 said:
They are also three of the people I’ve reached out to for SD, thus far to no end.

But, perhaps I’ll try contacting one of them again and telling him about the extent to which I have been suffering. Sometimes just being able to talk about what’s going on in my head helps.

And I also just reached out to a Catholic tele-counseling service, so I hope they get back to me!
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I’m so glad you’re reaching out to people. Talking and getting worries off your chest is massively helpful. Hopefully everyone will get back to you soon, and you’ll feel some peace of mind 🙂 .
 
Your Diocese has a Director of Women’s Vocations. Talk to that person.
 
Would it help to just say, I’m going to not think about this for 6-12 months or so? Honestly everything being closed due to the pandemic is not helping your situation. It’s not like you can visit sisters either right now?
Can you just give yourself “permission” to take a break from it for a while, since you can’t do anything constructive right now anyway? Then maybe you’ll have a fresh perspective as well as access to the resources that will help you then.
 
I want to pass on what I thought was wonderful advice. A priest says that when someone asks him if they are following the will of God, they ought to look at this passage:

I say, then: live by the Spirit and you will certainly not gratify the desire of the flesh. For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not do what you want. But if you are guided by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are obvious: immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, rivalry, jealousy, outbursts of fury, acts of selfishness, dissensions, factions, occasions of envy, drinking bouts, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. (Gal. 5:16-23)

His advice was this: If you are on the right track, even if you are struggling you will see your path is increasing the fruits of the Holy Spirit. If not, ask again what to do. If you’re overwhelmed with anxiety, maybe you’re in the right vocation but something about what you’re doing is out-of-sync. Maybe you have an illness, maybe you have a disability, or maybe you aren’t at peace because you’re trying to force your will into a situation instead of accepting the will of God, or a combination of those or something else. The main thing is this: the Holy Spirit doesn’t make you a nervous wreck. That’s the tormenter who does that to us.
 
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