How can a person stop being so selfish?

[momof3boys]

I stopped taking ABC in the beginning of September & my hubby is okay with it. He does not want another baby right now & at first I didn’t either. Our intimacy has gotten a lot better since using NFP, but now I really want another baby & he still doesn’t.
So, now I feel like I don’t even want to get intimate anymore. I know I am being selfish, but I also kind of feel like he is, too. He says sex isn’t just for having babies & I know that, but it is the main reason, isn’t it?
I also asked what reasons he has for not wanting any more right now & he had no reason - he just doesn’t want more now. I am not going to tell him he’s wrong for not having a “valid” reason, but I am really discouraged.
I really want him to WANT to have a baby. Does that make sense?
I’m sure some of you ladies out there can understand what I am feeling. I know I am blessed to have 3 boys already, but I literally feel my “clock ticking away”. The thought of having another baby is always in my mind - also I really want to have a little girl.
I’ve been asking Mary to pray for me & I know if it’s God’s will, it will happen.
Any advice would be appreciated. Please be nice about it, though.
P.S. A little background on us…
he grew up Catholic & I am just now coming into the Church.

 

[mschoir01]

Prayer. That and more prayer. It is hard to come to agreement on family size, but rest assured that it in the end it will be up to God. You are not alone, either. Many couples struggle with this issue. Maybe that’s why it’s better to leave it in His hands. I will pray for you and your family, too.

.

 

[momof3boys]

Thank you for the prayers - they are greatly appreciated.

 

[KCT]

momof3boys:

He says sex isn’t just for having babies & I know that, but it is the main reason, isn’t it? /QUOTE]

No, it’s equally for procreation and the unity of the spouses.

Sometimes I pray that I will desire my husband more. Not that I never do, but he wants it more often than I do

Maybe if you pray and desire your husband more, just for himself, not for the baby he can help make, it will soften his heart. --KCT

 

[SemperJase]

momof3boys:

I also asked what reasons he has for not wanting any more right now & he had no reason - he just doesn’t want more now. I am not going to tell him he’s wrong for not having a “valid” reason, but I am really discouraged.
I really want him to WANT to have a baby. Does that make sense?

It looks like this is the real issue. You want him to want a baby. You have decided he is “selfish” for not wanting another one.

I’d like to point out that his feelings are as justified as yours. Just because they are different from yours doesn’t make them selfish. But you have decided his feelings are wrong and hence he becomes “the bad guy”. Who wants to be close to a selfish person?

Is he really selfish? He has already fathered three children. Is he providing and in other aspects being a good husband?

I also asked what reasons he has for not wanting any more right now & he had no reason - he just doesn’t want more now.

Now here is where he is probably being a typically man and not communicating well. I can guarantee he has reasons, he just won’t (can’t) articluate them. “I just don’t want any more” comes from somewhere. Is it the money it takes to raise a child? The increased work or effort a child takes?

I am not going to tell him he’s wrong for not having a “valid” reason, but I am really discouraged.

Back to you. You won’t tell him he is wrong, but you think he is. That is the issue. You won’t tell him he is wrong. Is that because he isn’t wrong for not wanting another child? It is just the way he feels?

And what makes a “valid” reason? Is a valid reason one you agree with?

This may be why he is not telling you the specifics. He doesn’t feel you will accept his answer as vaild and in typical guy fashion is avoiding the argument.

I know I am blessed to have 3 boys already, but I literally feel my “clock ticking away”. The thought of having another baby is always in my mind - also I really want to have a little girl.

Here it seems as if it is not a baby that is as important as a baby girl is. I’m sure you must realize that there is no guarantee for a girl. What if it were a boy. Would you then want to try again?

 

[momof3boys]

SemperJase:

You have decided he is “selfish” for not wanting another one.

No, I was actually referring to myself as being the selfish one. That is who I am referring to in the subject. I do think he is being a little selfish, too, though.

Is he really selfish? He has already fathered three children. Is he providing and in other aspects being a good husband?

Yes, he is a wonderful father.

Is it the money it takes to raise a child? The increased work or effort a child takes?

I have no idea - he just says he doesn’t want more right now.

Back to you. You won’t tell him he is wrong, but you think he is.

I don’t think he is wrong. I was just going by other posts that I have read here - people asking what a “valid” reason is for not having more children. I have read other people’s posts saying that if you can afford one, etc, etc, then there is no reason not to. I didn’t want anyone to tell me he is wrong for not having a reason. Sorry you misunderstood me.

Here it seems as if it is not a baby that is as important as a baby girl is. I’m sure you must realize that there is no guarantee for a girl. What if it were a boy. Would you then want to try again?

Obviously I realize there is no guarantee of having a girl. It is something I would love, but I would be fine with another boy. I just have the desire in me to have another child. I don’t know if I’d want more after that, I can only tell you how I feel now. I am not demanding that he give me a baby - or else!

 

[momof3boys]

Maybe if you pray and desire your husband more, just for himself, not for the baby he can help make, it will soften his heart. --KCT

Thank you, that is very good advice. The kind I was actually looking for.

 

[pira114]

I never think it’s a bad idea to want to have more children. That being said, everyone has their idea of how many is enough. You also have to consider how old you both are. Many people, myself included, plan their children so that they can retire at a certain age. I also wanted to make sure that I was still relatively young when the children were young. I had many friends whose parents were in their mid 60’s when they were just getting into high school. I also see many parents at my son’s pre-school who are in their late 50’s. This would put them in their mid 60’s also. I always wonder if they will be able to be involved with their childrens lives fully. Not that 65 is too old. Many people that age are very active and happy. But some are no longer active and not wanting to get so involved with their high school children. These may not be your husbands concerns, but then again they might. There are so many pros and cons to having a baby that it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking. Semperjase is right, he must have reasons, but he may not be able to pin it on one thing. Money, retirement, age, schedule, etc… You need to try to sit down and figure these things out. As pointed out before, his opinion is just as valid as yours. I don’t think either one of you is being selfish, you just have different opinions on this. Time for lots of talk and reflection.

 

[momof3boys]

pira114:

You also have to consider how old you both are.

We’re both 27

As pointed out before, his opinion is just as valid as yours. I don’t think either one of you is being selfish, you just have different opinions on this. Time for lots of talk and reflection.

I absolutely agree that his opinion is important. I wish he knew why he didn’t want more. I don’t want to keep bugging him about it, though. I don’t want him to feel like I am trying to talk him into it. I wouldn’t want him to do it w/o really wanting to.

 

[SemperJase]

momof3boys:

No, I was actually referring to myself as being the selfish one. That is who I am referring to in the subject. I do think he is being a little selfish, too, though.

Ah, thank you for the clarification. So you feel you are being selfish and so is he.

I still think that labelling anyone selfish isn’t the way to go. As I said his feelings are valid, I believe yours are too. It’s a matter finding a way to happily live together inspite of your different desires. Easier said than done .

momof3boys:

I have no idea - he just says he doesn’t want more right now.

Yep, this is a very “guy-like” response. It’s something we generally have a problem with. Women want details, men generally aren’t wired to communicate those details.

There is a reason he doesn’t want more right now. The problem is how to get him to communicate that without nagging him. You probably ask him about it, he says “I just don’t want any” and it goes downhill from there. You want details, he won’t give any.

Yeah, that’s a guess on my part, but a guess based on human nature. Am I close?

I didn’t want anyone to tell me he is wrong for not having a reason. Sorry you misunderstood me.

Great clarification. We are on the same wavelength here. You’re already ahead in your realization that he isn’t wrong in his desire - of course your desire for another isn’t wrong either.

I can only tell you how I feel now. I am not demanding that he give me a baby - or else!

That’s good. This is just an itch so to speak not a deal breaker?

How about another question? What will another baby fulfill that your three boys and your relationship with your husband is not filling now?

 

[momof3boys]

SemperJase:

There is a reason he doesn’t want more right now. The problem is how to get him to communicate that without nagging him.

It would help me to feel better if I knew why he didn’t want anymore right now

Yeah, that’s a guess on my part, but a guess based on human nature. Am I close?

Yes, you are.

How about another question? What will another baby fulfill that your three boys and your relationship with your husband is not filling now?

That is a very good question - and hard for me to answer. I really don’t know why I want another one so bad. I really just feel this “hunger” inside me. Does that make sense?
I’ve always told him I didn’t want to have just three - because of the whole “middle child” thing. Maybe I am just crazy, but I want more & of course would be thrilled to have a girl.
Maybe that sounds shallow of me, I don’t know.
I love being pregnant & I love our little babies.