How can I avoid conflict and arguments?

[Domiy]

I really would appreciate some assistance on this. I feel myself to be a good Catholic, I pray often, attend Mass, read the Bible, follow many commandments etc (more so than my friends of the same age who are more stringed towards drinking, partying etc).

Anyway, I always try to follow the word of Jesus when it comes to conflict and forgiveness. I rarely hold grudges and will always be willing to forgive, but what I find the problem is that many people take advantage of me for this. I know Jesus says turn the other cheek, but I find it almost impossible to do so when somebody else is doing something intentionally to annoy me and to take advantage of me. I’m naturally an arrogant and debatable person, I admit. If I don’t agree with something, I’l make my opinion well heard and supported. If somebody tries to walk over me, I’l stand up for what I believe in. This is just the way I was raised, and I personally don’t find anything too wrong with it, unless I’m missing something. I know Jesus was against conflict and argument, but even He himself had the tendency to point out peoples wrongdoings or faults and make his own opinion heard and validated, even if it meant going against the majority. I’m sure such characteristics can be interpreted in many ways, either as wrong or good, based on different passages or instances of the Bible, so I wanted to see what (name removed by moderator)ut I can get here.

Here’s my most recent example. My brother asked me for a lift somewhere seeing as his car was getting repaired. I agreed, and told him I would drop him off in my car. However, I wasn’t feeling to well so I told him that I prefer to sit in the passenger side and he could drive to wherever he needed to go, and I would just drive back home. However, he began to drive aggressively, as he tends to do, and I continually asked him to stop putting my car at a risk (since, you know, it is my car). He refused and began to be rude to me, so I told him to pull over so I can drive instead, at which point I turned the car around back home and told him I refuse to give him a ride out of his sheer rudeness and lack of respect. He then advanced to act out even more, even going as far as to call me inferior based on the way I live my life as a celibate Catholic (even though he himself is a proud Catholic, which is why I found it weird). Naturally, instead of causing a huge grief over it, I told him that whoever hates me for following Jesus do so because they hated Jesus first, quite well supported in the Bible. I must admit I did say this in a way which sounded aggressive, so I can imagine how he would feel insulted or offended over it, but the way I see it, he is at fault, not only for his comments he made towards me, but for his refusal to show me any gratitude or compliance to my simple request, even though I went out of my way to let him borrow my car in the first place. So, this situation has caused grief between my brother and I, which (as usual) Im sure will get sorted soon as we tend to, but for the time being we aren’t exactly on good terms. How much can I be spiritually at fault for this? How should/could I have acted differently in a way which would have solved the issue and avoided conflict? The way I see it, I acted gracefully the entire time and his anger is merely a result of being denied. Any (name removed by moderator)ut on that?

Thanks, God Bless ppls.

 

[R_C]

Well, there is a careful discernment you must make.

First of all, innocent people will always suffer. The Christian is “a man of sorrows, accustomed with suffering”. Christ clearly said that we should “take up our cross and follow Him”, and a meditation on the Stations of the Cross will tell you that it is a most painful journey and that the closer you are to the end, the harder it is to keep going, the more you fall, and the more it hurts.

Now, the Lord behaved in two different ways:

• when the soldier struck Him, He calmly looked back at him and replied.
• when the people struck Him, and when Herod mocked Him, he remained quiet.

The Christian law is love. “Love as I have loved you” says the Lord. “Do unto others as they shall do unto you.” Love does not prevent us from standing for the truth, or even from imposing discipline. So long as we act out of love and for the benefit of truth or of the other person and not simply for our benefit, then we should be on the right path.

A few things I see in your example (but, again, this is just my opinion):

• it was very well to request the things you did, even if that made him mad. I don’t know how kindly you pointed out the problem to him.
• Sometimes others may (often for no real reason) think that we are trying to be authoritative because we think we are better. Which may fit what you mention later, on his criticism. You should not be offended by such things so long as you speak out of love and know that you are not better than others.
• It is very common that, feeling hurt in your Christianity, you replied full of zeal (which you describe as an aggressive response). However, here you spoke for yourself, not for him. You need not defend your way of life, but rather acknowledge that there are many things in which you need to improve, that you are trying to become every day a better man. Better would have been to try to calm him down, to display the affection you feel for him. to be a bit humble. Often anger between loved ones comes up when we feel that love is not being corresponded.

I don’t know, but perhaps your brother may see something in you that he can’t quite grasp, something he’d love to have or something he thinks it’s not good for you. You should try to be nice to him, avoid all arguments and speak so that he’ll be glad, at the end, that he saw you, that he spent time with you. This is something that has worked for me: try not only to reflect Christ in your life, but to see Christ reflected onto others. Think: what would Jesus do? And if he were Jesus, how would I reply? This should never stop you from doing the right thing (like kindly asking him to stop driving aggressively because it puts your lives and those of others at risk) but you will also be more kind…more Christlike!

 

[Rainaldo]

Ok, the solution is real simple Domiy, and you will be offended by my advice.

• You are full of yourself. Quit protesting how pious you are, how you follow the commandments and your mass attendance statistics and how you don’t hold grudges. Because your first two paragraphs are all vain posturing. You gave yourself away right off the bat.
• Stop following your fanciful and self-serving “word of Jesus” and clam up and start following common sense.
• To address your stated issue specifically, you should have driven him. You handed over your car to him and then you complained about how he used it. You put him in a no-win situation.
• Apparently you were sick enough not to drive, yet well enough to tell him he was messing up.
• Furthermore, you handed over your car after having known him to be an aggressive driver. IOW you knew what you were doing.
• Then you played the passive aggressive card on him and sabotaged the original reason he needed a ride.
• Then you pretend the issue is all about your celibacy and dragged Jesus into it.
• Well I say Jesus would have driven him regardless of how He felt. And would not have made the whole situation it all about Him.
• Your friend, in my opinion, based on your side of the story, is not in the least bit at fault.
• I don’t think you acted gracefully at all.
• His anger is a result of having been trapped by you.
• How should/could you have acted differently in a way which would have solved the issue and avoided conflict? You should have driven him and kept your mouth shut.

Such is my (name removed by moderator)ut.

God bless,
Rainaldo

 

[AveMariaMag7]

In the first place you weren’t feel too well.
That would by nature itself, put you on edge.
Perhaps he wasn’t really driving that aggressively, but because when one isn’t feeling well, we can tend to become more fearfully sensitive to situations.

I don’t think this situation has anything to do with being a good or a bad, a celibate or a proud Catholic. It has nothing to do with either one of your perception of Faith. It is just human emotions that got out of hand. Satan loves to control us through emotions.

Any way, after he ceded the car to you, I believe it was wrong of you to have turned around and not completed the offer to drop him off at the destination. That was probably the underlying reason for vilifying you. The verbal assaults were simply that, letting emotions and pride on both sides taking control over sensibility towards one another.

Brothers are forever. Cars/rides come and go. Don’t let the car incident prey on your mind. Peace and brotherly love are more important. When you feel emotions coming into control, say the St. Michael prayer and invite your brother to say it with you. If he won’t, then just say it yourself.

You’re brothers, you’re probably a lot alike. That makes people clash, sometimes. Spiritually at fault? Neither of you, except for letting emotions taking control of both of you.

I hope you’re feeling better today. Get some sleep. You’ll feel better.

 

[Cryptic1]

Ok, the solution is real simple Domiy, and you will be offended by my advice.

• You are full of yourself. Quit protesting how pious you are, how you follow the commandments and your mass attendance statistics and how you don’t hold grudges. Because your first two paragraphs are all vain posturing. You gave yourself away right off the bat.
• Stop following your fanciful and self-serving “word of Jesus” and clam up and start following common sense.
• To address your stated issue specifically, you should have driven him. You handed over your car to him and then you complained about how he used it. You put him in a no-win situation.
• Apparently you were sick enough not to drive, yet well enough to tell him he was messing up.
• Furthermore, you handed over your car after having known him to be an aggressive driver. IOW you knew what you were doing.
• Then you played the passive aggressive card on him and sabotaged the original reason he needed a ride.
• Then you pretend the issue is all about your celibacy and dragged Jesus into it.
• Well I say Jesus would have driven him regardless of how He felt. And would not have made the whole situation it all about Him.
• Your friend, in my opinion, based on your side of the story, is not in the least bit at fault.
• I don’t think you acted gracefully at all.
• His anger is a result of having been trapped by you.
• How should/could you have acted differently in a way which would have solved the issue and avoided conflict? You should have driven him and kept your mouth shut.

Such is my (name removed by moderator)ut.

God bless,
Rainaldo

As you say, by your own admission, “and Domiy…you will be offended by my advice”. What lesson have you taught Domiy by your strong and disparaging tone? If Domiy is offended (as you predicted), how will your remarks have helped this person? Is there a point here that I’m missing?

 

[animalis]

“Do unto others as they shall do unto you.”

“Give, and it shall be given to you: good measure and pressed down and shaken together and running over shall they give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you shall mete withal, it shall be measured to you again.” (Lk 6:38)

“And he said to them: Take heed what you hear. In what measure you shall mete, it shall be measured to you again, and more shall be given to you.” (Mk 4:24)

St. Leo the Great wrote, "And let none except the two aforesaid (unlawful acting priests subject to him) suffer any loss of dignity, but let this disgrace attach to those only **who chose to put themselves below a junior **who had only lately been ordained: that they may feel that that sentence of the gospels applies to themselves when it is said: “with what judgment you judge, you shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, the same shall be measured unto you. ” (S. Leo, Letter 19, 2)

And St. Catherine of Siena, a Doctor of the Church, wrote this dictate from God the Father, "“So you see that satisfaction is made, through the desire of the soul united to Me, who am the Infinite Good, in greater or less degree, according to the measure of love, obtained by the desire and prayer of the recipient. Wherefore, with that very same measure with which a man measures to Me, do he receive in himself the measure of My goodness. Labor, therefore, to increase the fire of your desire, and let not a moment pass without crying to Me with humble voice, or without continual prayers before Me for your neighbors. I say this to you and to the father of your soul, whom I have given you on earth. Bear yourselves with manful courage, and make yourselves dead to all your own sensuality.” (The Dialogue, Ch. 4)

 

[coachdennis]

As you say, by your own admission, “and Domiy…you will be offended by my advice”. What lesson have you taught Domiy by your strong and disparaging tone? If Domiy is offended (as you predicted), how will your remarks have helped this person? Is there a point here that I’m missing?

It’s called a reality check. She received a dose of her own “attitude” from the responder and an example of how she possibly comes across to others. Often we have to feel the “pain” we inflict on others by our words and actions before we can see how to choose better options of interaction with others

 

[Robert_Sock]

Since the Tower of Babel, people can have a difficult time communicating with one another and avoiding arguments. It it any wonder that the world evolved the way it did over the past 150 years, given our inability to communicate?

 

[Hokomai]

I am impressed that the OP sees a problem and asks for advice. There are a few of us unbelievers who would do well to do the same thing for the same reason. In general the solution for disputes between brothers is to ask what your mother would say we’re she there, and do it. And OP if you feel the need for an argument, feel free to take part in debating one of my posts. Your brother has nothing on me. Good luck and congrats on trying to work change in your life.

 

[R_C]

It’s called a reality check. She received a dose of her own “attitude” from the responder and an example of how she possibly comes across to others. Often we have to feel the “pain” we inflict on others by our words and actions before we can see how to choose better options of interaction with others

But the user that gave the so-called “reality check” is neither his mom, nor his dad, nor his spiritual director, in short, he or she has no authority whatsoever to be offensive. We are not here to inflict pain on each other, though that’s all we apparently are good at doing when we are full of ourselves and struggle to let our will be done.

 

[coachdennis]

But the user that gave the so-called “reality check” is neither his mom, nor his dad, nor his spiritual director, in short, he or she has no authority whatsoever to be offensive. We are not here to inflict pain on each other, though that’s all we apparently are good at doing when we are full of ourselves and struggle to let our will be done.

I am not here to defend the user’s response. He or she can do that on their own. However, the OP asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. Asked for (name removed by moderator)ut from anonymous strangers over the internet. The OP gave repliers the “authority” to respond to her.

People can argue about the appropriateness and style of responses, but they were asked for by the OP. The OP can accept or reject any or all of these responses.

 

[R_C]

However, the OP asked for (name removed by moderator)ut. Asked for (name removed by moderator)ut from anonymous strangers over the internet. The OP gave repliers the “authority” to respond to her.

To begin with, the OP asked for (name removed by moderator)ut from a community of brothers in Christ. Nobody in the Church is a stranger towards others.

Furthermore, though he did give such authority, not all answers are legitimate. We know this very well:

I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger to the hell of fire.

“By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”*

 

[coachdennis]

The OP is free to accept, reject, and/or reflect any advice or sharing that the OP received. It is their responsibility to take any, all, or none of the advice to individual prayer with God or reflect on these matters in conjunction with a priest, confessor, or whomever.

There are many different approaches to various situations and how individuals choose to communicate their opinions that will appeal to some readers and will turn off other readers.

However, I am confident that people on this forum are supportive of others and only want individuals to grow in their relationship with Jesus and the Church

 

[LSK]

I think the person who pointed out that you weren’t feeling too well and so may have been a little on edge or overreacted to the situation is right on the button. When I am not feeling well, I never react well (or so it seems to me).

I don’t think you deciding not to drive him to his destination was very charitable. You were driving by then. You could have simply delivered him to his destination and then said, “Bye, love ya!” and left.

And I don’t think you are full of yourself. I think you gave us necessary background.

It is difficult to know when to ‘turn the other cheek’ and when to stand tall and strong but do so with love. I seem to be great at it once in awhile but most of the time I have to guard against coming across as either a know-it-all or a holier-than-thou person - and I never intend to at all. However, to pretend that I have not fallen into that trap would be just that - pretending!

Give your brother a hug, tell him to stop playing speed racer with your car and that you love him…and the next time he makes fun of you for being celibate just tell him he is lucky he doesn’t have to buy you AND a spouse presents at Christmas and shut up already.

 

[R_C]

The OP is free to accept, reject, and/or reflect any advice or sharing that the OP received. It is their responsibility to take any, all, or none of the advice to individual prayer with God or reflect on these matters in conjunction with a priest, confessor, or whomever.

There are many different approaches to various situations and how individuals choose to communicate their opinions that will appeal to some readers and will turn off other readers.

However, I am confident that people on this forum are supportive of others and only want individuals to grow in their relationship with Jesus and the Church

Thank you for your words. I find them very edifying. Since I am new to posting in forums, I also find them very instructive. See the last phrase of this answer of mine to you? It reflects the way I feel about myself. So I am sorry if in my answers I bothered you, I did not mean to.

Give your brother a hug, tell him to stop playing speed racer with your car and that you love him…and the next time he makes fun of you for being celibate just tell him he is lucky he doesn’t have to buy you AND a spouse presents at Christmas and shut up already.

:hug1:

 

[Domiy]

Ok, I really must say, while I’m not directly offended by Rainaldo’s post, I am sure as earth confused by them. I was not aware such attitudes were prominent on a Catholic forum. And, to continue my steed, instead of simply putting down your post and opinion, I will attempt to logically deconstruct them for your own benefit so I can help you see how I feel you are being a tad over-assumptive.

Ok, the solution is real simple Domiy, and you will be offended by my advice.

• You are full of yourself. Quit protesting how pious you are, how you follow the commandments and your mass attendance statistics and how you don’t hold grudges. Because your first two paragraphs are all vain posturing. You gave yourself away right off the bat.
• Stop following your fanciful and self-serving “word of Jesus” and clam up and start following common sense.
• To address your stated issue specifically, you should have driven him. You handed over your car to him and then you complained about how he used it. You put him in a no-win situation.
• Apparently you were sick enough not to drive, yet well enough to tell him he was messing up.
• Furthermore, you handed over your car after having known him to be an aggressive driver. IOW you knew what you were doing.
• Then you played the passive aggressive card on him and sabotaged the original reason he needed a ride.
• Then you pretend the issue is all about your celibacy and dragged Jesus into it.
• Well I say Jesus would have driven him regardless of how He felt. And would not have made the whole situation it all about Him.
• Your friend, in my opinion, based on your side of the story, is not in the least bit at fault.
• I don’t think you acted gracefully at all.
• His anger is a result of having been trapped by you.
• How should/could you have acted differently in a way which would have solved the issue and avoided conflict? You should have driven him and kept your mouth shut.

Such is my (name removed by moderator)ut.

God bless,
Rainaldo

First, I was in no way protesting to anyone how faithful I am. I was insulted in an offensive way regarding something about my faith, and I merely made an effort to point out that I am in no way ashamed or burdened by my faith, even when people try to put me down in it, and obviously such an attitude comes from my great connection to Christ through my faithful experiences.

Second, I certainly will NOT stop following the word of Jesus! Even unto death, I’m prepared to die by standing for what I believe in. I know I’m not perfect, but seriously, suggesting someone stop going by Jesus’ law on a Catholic forum is just outright insanity. I value any (name removed by moderator)ut, but as long as it is reasonable. That, my friend, is not.

Next, I did not put him in a no-win situation. He could’ve easily ‘won’ by driving in a civilized manner, which is never too much to ask from someone, especially when they’re driving a car that is not their own.

Driving and communicating are 2 different things. One requires attention, skill, experience, careful scanning and adaptability, the other can be done with your eyes closed, feet up and head down. Yes, I did not feel 100% to drive, but having a mild headache certainly does not necessarily affect one’s ability to comprehend things.

Your next point is a fair one though, I know his behaviour tendency and yet knowingly handed over my car to him. My bad. However, you’re suggesting that I refuse him my car in the first place, which would make me no better of a person, especially a Catholic.

The issue was not about my celibacy, you are right about that, but I was not the one that bought it up, he was, I merely responded to it with a passage from Jesus, another quite acceptable reaction for a CATHOLIC.

Now thankfully your post starts to make a little sense towards the end. No, I did not act fully gracefully, and I fully admit that (hence why I came here asking for (name removed by moderator)ut).

However, I am not so sure about the whole ‘keep your mouth shut’ thing. Jesus does say turn the other cheek, ie do not resist an injury, but He himself had no problem voicing his opinions and feelings, again, even though they went against the minority and led him to be hit and mocked. Further, Jesus knew he would get punished for it and still advanced to voice his concerns, and any pain he suffered as a result was pain that he knew was saving the world of their sins. Of course, my actions did not accomplish the same effect per se, but even though I was abused for it, I feel my actions did, at the very least, teach my brother a valuable lesson in manners and behavior.

I know where you’re coming from, common sense can be tempting to go by, but lest we forget that Christianity is not necessarily what most people would deem common sense, which is why being a Christian is endlessly difficult and subject to abuse. Your words of harsh but eye opening advice might swing on another forum, in real life between a couple of people, but I specifically was seeking Catholic advice, ie what would be the Catholic thing to do, which you seemed to have provided the opposite of. That’s just MY personal (name removed by moderator)ut.