How can I get over this anger and forgive?

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Erica_K

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To make a long story short…I married my husband over 5 years ago. We are both Catholic and our love for each other continues to grow. About 2 years into marriage we were surpised (to say the least) to receive a letter from the state requesting my husband to partake in a paternity test for a 5 year old child concieved by one of his ex-girlfriends. We thought it to be ridiculous since she turned out to be a premiscious woman and that is why the relationship ended. She was not a nice girl and hurt him dearly.

Needless to say, he took the test and found out that he had a five year old son. It was very difficult for us but we wanted to see the child and try to bring some positive influence into his life. We fought hard for visitation and finally got to see him every other weekend. The child was thin, always ill, and not well cared for. Even with the $600 in child support he recieves nothing. She has 2 other children with another man who only speaks to the boy when he verbally abuses him. The child loved spending time with us. he cried to go home and begged us not to make him leave. He even called me Mommy (although I never asked him to). Each visit it got worse, his Mom and her boyfriend would punish him for liking us. She even tried to take me to court for giving him a bath. After the torement grew, we finally were forced to stay away.

Every once in a while we get a call from what sounds like a little boy. Sometimes you can even here a man in the backround yelling for him to hang up saying “he left you…he’s a loser…etc”.

it hurts so much to carry around this anger. We are not very rich so with the child support and all our bills we do not have the money to fight. Even if we did we couldn’t take a son away from his mother. By now he has already learned to be like them and as he gets older I afraid that he may not be able to be trusted in our lives.

I wish I could forgive this woman for what she has done to this child and to our hearts. I feel as though he is as much mine as my husbands. Since we have taken a vow to be one in the same flesh I feel such sorrow for this corupted child.

How can I ever move on? When we got married we wanted to have children together, yet this has made us both feel strangely about the idea. So much anger and guilt that is holding us down.
 
I don’t know that you can move on - there is a child at stake. I would look for help – from child protective services to a lawyer who might take this case pro bono. But I wouldn’t give up on that child.

I’ll pray for you.
 
You are right. I keep praying that he won’t forget the fun times we had together and how much we love him. I have already tried child services and was told that there was nothing they could do unless he showed signs of physical abuse. I just pray that he will come to us someday and accept our love.
 
Erica K:
You are right. I keep praying that he won’t forget the fun times we had together and how much we love him. I have already tried child services and was told that there was nothing they could do unless he showed signs of physical abuse. I just pray that he will come to us someday and accept our love.
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I have to say your story touches me deeply. You have accepted this child with love, even though not yours biologically.

I will pray for you.
 
Find ANY way that you can to get a lawyer–pro bono, make payments, whatever. If you get a lawyer and take mom to court for custody, the court will appoint the child a law guardian. There will be psychological evaluations, home evaluations, etc. What the child is going through will come out that way.Does this child witness the boyfriend hurting the mom? If you know or have heard that he does, CPS can get involved that way. In some states it is a crime for a child to witness domestic violence. Also, have you tried to report her for neglect?

Don’t worry about taking the boy away from his mother. If she lost custody, chances are, it would be her own fault. Who knows, it may be just the kick in the rear end from God that she needs to get her life back together.
Above all, keep praying. God will help you to overcome the anger and He will let you know what to do.
 
What I sometimes / often do when faced with situations that I don’t seem to have any control over, is that I visit the nearest Catholic Church and I sit or kneel to where I can see the tabernacle, and I just look at the tabernacle and silently say that I need help. And no “funny stuff”. [God has a very strange sense of humor at times. No joke.]

I have been amazed at the “resposes” that I have gotten.

When the situation is “continuous” (as it was, for example, when I was in college and felt that I was over my head with many of the subjects), I prayed “continuously”… every day. Couldn’t get to daily Mass, but I prayed mostly every day.

I also started. for some unknown reason, to pray “for whoever needs it the most… because someone somewhere really has his back against the wall.”

If there is a church near you that has Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration, then stop in any any hour of the day or night and spend some time there.

Our house is loaded up with crucifixes, holy cards and pictures of all sizes - every room and hallway. Little by little. Every wall surface. Relatives and friends know this and give me more of them; when I see their gift on the wall, I pray for them. We are reminded constantly to pray. One of my priest-friends says the rectory phone rings constantly and it is difficult to get away to the church to pray; HOWEVER, there is ONE ROOM where you can get away for a few minutes and people will not come after you. So you can create a little sanctuary there AND PRAY.

I always ask for WIN-WIN solutions. So everybody comes out ahead.

I tell God that:

" I don’t know what the answer is, BUT YOU DO. I may not be able to fix it, but YOU CAN."

“HELP”.

I also have prayer partners. Probably by now, hundreds of them. Started doing that around 1982. I used to have little 3x5 cards around the house and in my pockets and little pieces of paper with some of their names in little tiny smudged handwriting. These folks have agreed to pray for my needs and I pray for their needs. Daily. “Direction, guidance, cash flow and work. Direct Intervention. Hold me in Your arms. Carry me. Forgive me my sins. Make me the way You want me to be.”
 
if you have grounds to suspect abuse, report the stepfather to CPS immediately so at least the child will be removed from the home, I can think of no greater priority for your husband than to make it his business to regain custody or otherwise insure the safety and wellbeing of his son. That you are disposed to stand behind him in this speaks very well for the solidity of your marriage. Get legal advice on how to proceed.
 
Erica K:
To make a long story short…I married my husband over 5 years ago. We are both Catholic and our love for each other continues to grow. About 2 years into marriage we were surpised (to say the least) to receive a letter from the state requesting my husband to partake in a paternity test for a 5 year old child concieved by one of his ex-girlfriends. We thought it to be ridiculous since she turned out to be a premiscious woman and that is why the relationship ended. She was not a nice girl and hurt him dearly.

Needless to say, he took the test and found out that he had a five year old son. It was very difficult for us but we wanted to see the child and try to bring some positive influence into his life. We fought hard for visitation and finally got to see him every other weekend. The child was thin, always ill, and not well cared for. Even with the $600 in child support he recieves nothing. She has 2 other children with another man who only speaks to the boy when he verbally abuses him. The child loved spending time with us. he cried to go home and begged us not to make him leave. He even called me Mommy (although I never asked him to). Each visit it got worse, his Mom and her boyfriend would punish him for liking us. She even tried to take me to court for giving him a bath. After the torement grew, we finally were forced to stay away.

Every once in a while we get a call from what sounds like a little boy. Sometimes you can even here a man in the backround yelling for him to hang up saying “he left you…he’s a loser…etc”.

it hurts so much to carry around this anger. We are not very rich so with the child support and all our bills we do not have the money to fight. Even if we did we couldn’t take a son away from his mother. By now he has already learned to be like them and as he gets older I afraid that he may not be able to be trusted in our lives.

I wish I could forgive this woman for what she has done to this child and to our hearts. I feel as though he is as much mine as my husbands. Since we have taken a vow to be one in the same flesh I feel such sorrow for this corupted child.

How can I ever move on? When we got married we wanted to have children together, yet this has made us both feel strangely about the idea. So much anger and guilt that is holding us down.
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Oh, Erika, please don’t move on. Sacrifice whatever you have to sacrifice to stay in that little boy’s life…he is going to think you decided money is more important than him and he will end up completely lost. PLEASE keep fighting for him…
 
Get Child Protective Services involved if you think the children are being abused or neglected (and it sounds like they are).

Beg, borrow, or steal the money for a lawyer and get sole physical custody of the child.
 
Erika,
I am sure you have heard the verse: To every thing there is a season…
This is the season of action not anger. You need to act now and get custody of this child. I used to be a foster mom and I saw what happens to kids that grow up in the enviornment you described. You still have time, it isn’t too late yet. Besides the obvious answers to pray (I am not saying not to pray, just the opposite), and get a lawyer(another good idea), you need to find out what school your step son goes to and his father can request to confer with his teacher about his progress …don’t think this is a stupid idea…this establishes to the courts and child welfare services that your husband is interested in his child’s welfare. I always recommend the father take a stack of self addressed and stamped envelopes to the teacher and ask for a weekly written(important) report of his son’s progress. That is his right as a parent and it shows that he is interested and written reports because it is proof. I would also suggest visiting the teacher at regular intervals and also setting up visitation again through childrens services. These all prove to the courts that you are concerned and involved but it also makes the child services look at the child and his guardian. After you do that then you can take your concerns to the childrens services and they are more likely to help you out.
After you take action and pray…then turn it over to God and ask him to help you to forgive the mother. It is amazing how much easier it is to forgive when you have done everything you can do.http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/a05/3_3_21.gif
 
Your responses have been overwhelmingly inspiring. You are all so right. We can’t give up…we can’t wait and let him think we don’t care. I am going to make an appointment with child services and find out about the pro-bono thing. Maybe we can find someone willing to take payments if that doesn’t work. It has been so frustrating but it is a challege that God wants us to face and I think I am starting to understand it better now. It will be painful and I hope we can be strong.

I cried when I read what you all have written. My heart feels heavy. Thank you so much for your thoughts and your prayers. I pray for all of you.

This is the first time I have been to a forum like this and I thank God that He brought me here.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
 
Erica,

Please know that I have said a prayer for you, your husband, his son (your son, as you so rightly see), his biological mother, his step father and the others in that household. I also pray for your extended families, as you proceed to take responsibility for this child. This young boy deserves all the love a father can give him, and from what you say, he isn’t getting it with the Step-Father.

Regardless of what is ultimately determined by the courts, you need to send the constant and unwaivering message that he is LOVED and deserving of your love, not for anything he has done, but because of the simple fact that he IS. He is lovable and he is loved. He is not the product of his environment, he is better than that for he is a child of God.

You may also want to begin Catechising him during your visits. Teach him about God and how God is with him always, regardless of the circumstances. Teach him how Christ suffered for us and that our own suffering can be a source of growth. It’s a tough concept for little ones, but it sounds like something that will be an incredible help to him if you can help him to begin to understand. It sounds like his life has more suffering than most and to help him put it in perspective would be a lifelong gift you can give him.

God bless you and your husband for not abandoning this young boy.

CARose
 
I don’t know about your state, but in Massachusetts, you do not need a lawyer to try for custody. You need to simply file the proper paperwork with the Probate Court and wait to be notified about a hearing. You can represent yourself, and since this is not a criminal case, you have nothing to lose by trying. In the meantime, a guardian ad litem will be assigned for the best interests of the child, and the process of determining the best home for him will begin. If nothing else, initiating the process will have that home being looked at under a microscope, and you will know whether the child is safe, etc. They rarely leave any stones unturned any more, since allegations of this kind are ripe for future lawsuits should a child be at risk.

I wouldn’t worry about taking this child away from the mother. Think of it this way, this mother clearly knew who was that father of her child, but waited for years to notify him. She obviously doesn’t really want to “share” the child, but shows up suddenly to get support for him? If she had no selfish motives, she would have told him at the beginning and offered a chance for him to be a father. If this child is crying out for your help (you can determine who is calling you by installing caller id, btw) , you have every right to try to bring him to a safer, more stable home.
PS. There are some father’s rights groups out there as well. In Ma, there is one called the Fatherhood Coalition. They have a website you should check out, in case they have some pointers you might use. These guys all know what an uphill battle they wage in the courts.
 
Here is a link for you:

prepaidlegal.com/hub/lisamontgomery83

It may help with getting a lawyer.

I also second what BlestOne said.

And of course, pray! Know that we are praying for you, too!

Mother Mary, wrap your loving arms around this child, his father, stepmother, mother, and stepmother. Bring them to Jesus. Intercede for them. Thank you. Amen.
 
It is indeed a shame that children are made to suffer because the adults in their lives aren’t really adults.
You are wonderful for standing along side of your husband in what must be especially difficult for him. That speaks volumes for you as a person, and your marriage.
If child abuse is suspected ( and this is not just physical) you are morally bound to report it. Imagine how you both would feel if something happened down the road.
There are all kinds of things to consider and perhaps some “knee mail” would be a good place to start.
~ Kathy ~
 
:crying: Do NOT give up on the little boy:crying: From what you describe he is going through severe emotional abuse if not more.Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse:crying: You can get yourselves a lawyer and your son and yes I said your son.The damage that is being inflicted just from that man saying that about your husband is awful!He is basically telling him his father does not care for him:mad: I will pray and pray some more for you guys and I hope you can get FULL custody of him.God Bless you,Lisa
 
Please keep us updated. We can continue to pray, but if we have updates, we can pray more specifically.
 
After reading your thoughtful responses, I got in contact with our local child services. They said that given the money we made it would be difficult to get a pro-bono attorney apparently too many bills doesn’t count. They did, however, recommend some attorneys to contact that would be reasonable. I was so glad that I spoke to Patti at child services she was great. She understood how hard it is to make claims against the custodial parent, especially the mother since Florida state laws favor mothers. But she took down my information and said she could locate him and do a “drop in” visit. My complaint will remain anonymous. I actually even signed up to volunteer to help watch the foster kids during the foster parent meetings. Last night I spent 3 hours working with the kids and it really helped me focus on why I am doing all this. I have a meeting next week with an attorney who will take payments. From my conversations with him, he seems a bit pestimistic, given the Florida laws. Basically even if physical harm is proven we still may not get to have custody. Patti says if she ever gets Cayden (our son) in the foster program that she would let us know. I am also applying to be a foster parent. It may be one way for us to see him if something happens. I pray that Cayden is safe. I just hope that we can see him even if only for a moment so he knows that his father and I love him and haven’t forgotten him. I don’t care what the attorneys say for us that is our immediate goal. I don’t see how the mother can deny us that. I am a bit concerned since I found on the internet a site that says one of her last known addresses is in NY. That is where her mean boyfriend was from. I pray that Cayden is not up there. The attorney said that he will look into this for us.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your prayers!!! I needed someone to give me hope. We still feel the pain and anger but at least now we can concentrate on the hope again. I will let you know how things turn out.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL! YOU ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE!
 
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