How can i have a better view of the vocation of marriage when my parents were in an abusive marriage?

[SacredHeartBassist]

that must be really nice for you that you believe in the permanency of marriage. i wish i had that positive outlook. and you’re right about telling my friends to shut up about their marriage problems. i’m not their therapist.

i’ve already been to several therapists in the past. it doesn’t do much.

when i take a good, hard look at myself, i know i’m not good enough to be married. i often think i should give my cat back to the pound. if i feel this way about my cat how could i ever handle the responsibility of a child?

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, I know there are good people out there. But they’re VERY rare. I’d like to think positively about the sacrament of marriage but it’s really hard to when statistics on marriage sort of go the other way

Not at all. Have a look at the stats yourself. Also, improve your peer group.

I think it is a problem for you that peer groups nowadays are very segregated, so you won’t necessarily get to see the more fun side of parenting. For example, I personally think that kid birthday parties (not thrown by myself) are a blast. I’ve gotten a lot of enjoyment out of my oldest’s music, and my husband has been able to find a lot of hobbies, TV shows, and intellectual interests to share with our school age kids. Also, with school age kids, your social life starts revolving around school stuff.

But yes, if one is trying to live a single guy lifestyle as a married father (instead of throwing oneself into dad type fun), it’s not really going to work.

As a rule of thumb:

0-18 months–can take kid along for grown up fun
18 months-3 years (and possibly 4)–can bring adults along for kid fun (for example, zoo or playground while you talk)
4+ can more and more start enjoying the same things (if appropriately chosen)

If your friends are in the 18month-3 year zone, no they’re not going to be able to do a lot of adult fun.

I hear them complain about how expensive it is to have kids.

I would not necessarily read saying that as a sign of unhappiness. That’s just how it is.

 

[Xantippe]

If I were cheated on I’d divorce. I’d also wouldn’t get married without a prenuptual agreement. I don’t think most people are worth dating

I’m going to make a wild guess here and assume that your net worth is under $20k. Some problems:

1. Pre-nups may be in violation of Catholic canon law (some may be OK)
2. A lot of pre-nups do not hold up in court

Five Reasons Your Prenup Might Be Invalid

Five Reasons Your Prenup Might Be Invalid If you live in the New York City area, you may have seen the news earlier this month that a Brooklyn court threw out the prenuptial agreement a Long Island woman had signed with her millionaire husband before their 1998 wedding. This is a...

www.forbes.com

1. You’re probably a broke guy. Pre-nups, if they have any place at all, are for people with substantial assets. More typically, couples build wealth within marriage. When I married my husband, I didn’t own a single spoon, and my husband owned two–not kidding–and our net worth was probably pretty close to $0. We’ve been married almost 20 years and thanks to doing Dave Ramsey for nearly 11 years, our net worth is now several times my husband’s excellent yearly income.

I don’t think it’s possible to create a pre-nup that will cover all of the eventualities for a young couple–there are just too many unknowns.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/14/health/valentines-day-single-married-comparison-trnd/index.html

"One often-cited 2005 study from Ohio State University found married people “experience a per person net worth increase of 77% over singles. Additionally, their combined wealth increases on average by 16% for each year of marriage.”

!!!

Of course “most people” aren’t worth dating. But you’re not marrying “most people.”

 

[SacredHeartBassist]

I’m not a broke guy at all. The reason why I need a pre-nup is because I own a lot of commercial real estate. I’m a landlord and a law student. I’m familiar enough with pre-nups to know what one would have to do in order for them to stand up in court.

Thanks for thinking I’m broke though

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not a broke guy at all. The reason why I need a pre-nup is because I own a lot of commercial real estate. I’m a landlord and a law student.

Thanks for thinking I’m broke though

My apologies–normally people who bellyache about this sort of thing don’t have two nickels to rub together. (But do you actually have much equity in these properties? If you have $900k in debt on $1 million in real estate or (heaven forbid) a million in debt and $900k in assets, I’m not that impressed.)

You should talk to a lawyer, a priest and maybe a canon lawyer to figure this out. You might, for example, want to explore the possibility of creating a trust for future children instead.

Dave Ramsey says not to do a pre-nup unless assets are in the millions.

https://www.daveramsey.com/askdave/marriage/daves-thoughts-on-prenuptial-agreements

https://www.daveramsey.com/askdave/marriage/prenups-are-wise-with-large-assets

For obvious reasons, I wouldn’t mention your properties to the women you are seeing until you are nearly engaged or engaged. I don’t mean that you should be secretive–just don’t lead with that. Wow people with your amazing personality and good looks.

I also think you’re not appreciating that kids are actually a much bigger financial hazard–let’s say, for example, a baby who gets cancer, a toddler who needs a heart transplant, an autistic kid who needs a special school and lifelong supervision, a Downs Syndrome kid, a kid with cerebral palsy or a careless 17-year-old new driver. In that environment, losing 50% of your stuff once looks like peanuts.

 

[Xantippe]

I have friends who spent around $18k on out-of-pocket medical expenses this past year (and they have good insurance). That’s what they spend just about every year, as one of their kids is a cancer survivor.

 

[SacredHeartBassist]

I know kids are a bigger financial hazard but my child would always be my child. If I were to get married I couldn’t guarantee that my wife would always remain my wife

 

[SacredHeartBassist]

I’ll pray for them.

 

[Xantippe]

I know kids are a bigger financial hazard but my child would always be my child. If I were to get married I couldn’t guarantee that my wife would always remain my wife

Teen and adult kids can have issues that make divorce look like a walk in the park.

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Let-Your-Kids-Kill/dp/0967979056

Not to scare you, but people can wind up terrified of their junkie kids–it’s possible to wind up wondering, who is this person, and where is the kid who used to love me?

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Surround yourself by people who have reasonably healthy marriages.