How can i improve things?

[angell1]

so I’ve posted about my family issues before.

I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing to do, I mean you guys are strangers but I still feel like it’s detraction somehow

I just don’t know how to make things better. I am not able to move out at the moment.

how do I deal with the fact that my mom doesn’t really want me to have friends?

or the fact that she always seems to find something to dislike about the people I become close with and gets mad if I continue the friendship? for example, there’s a very sweet polish lady at my parish who I’m closer with then my own family, but my mom just seems to have issues with her. she thinks the lady “gave her a dirty look” once or is “trying to take me away from the family” because we are close and I’m the one who made an effort to try and build the relationship with a strong catholic who really wants to follow the lord.

or how she doesn’t want me to accept rides from people because she doesn’t want them knowing where we live? and doesn’t want me giving that as the reason so is basically trying to convince me to lie? same thing when we go on vacation. she thinks everyone will get jealous

the lady mentioned above did drive me home a couple times, once when my parents were out of town and a couple more times when my dad didn’t feel like picking me up. the last time, i even asked my dad it was ok and he said yes but when i got home, i realized he hadn’t actually asked my mom about it. of course, i don’t even know how to mention the fact that I’m not allowed to get rides home. now I’m scared she might accidentally say something about knowing where we live and i’ll be in trouble because i let it happen. then everything will really blow up and be ruined

or if she doesn’t like someone will try to make me hate them too? and if I don’t want to do it, tells me I’m not on her side or being supportive?

and how she hates her life because she stayed at home to raise me and feels like she hasn’t accomplished anything

and everytime we try to talk and I give my opinion or try to contribute to the conversation, if I disagree with her I’m “judging her” or she didn’t ask for my advice.

any concrete suggestions? i just can’t deal with this for much longer. i wish we could be close or get along at least but i don’t know how. obviously, some days are better than others but it is a recurring theme

 

[1ke]

You are an adult, not a child.

While your parents can convey that they dislike this or dislike that, you have no obligation to do as they say regarding who gives you a ride to/from church or other places, who you are friends with, etc.

Your parents have serious issues, and it is best to simply ignore them and continue building your plan for eventual independence.

 

[angell1]

You are an adult, not a child.

While your parents can convey that they dislike this or dislike that, you have no obligation to do as they say regarding who gives you a ride to/from church or other places, who you are friends with, etc.

Your parents have serious issues, and it is best to simply ignore them and continue building your plan for eventual independence.

ideally,

but not obeying has serious consequences for the time being when I still have to live here

not that everything they do is bad, but it can just get to be too much sometimes

 

[pianistclare]

Your mother is really damaged. Pray for her.
Tell her your love her. If it makes her feel uncomfortable, because that makes her vulnerable, this is the perfect time to say "mom, when my friends are kind to me and you get angry and defensive ,that makes ME uncomfortable.
With your disability, you sometimes have to depend on others, There’s no shame in this, and she should understand that if she (God forbid) dies, who will you lean on? She’s not going to be there forever. If she wants you to be successful, she should want you to be somewhat independent. You have oodles of potential. Don’t allow her negativity and her own personal problems hinder your growth and maturity.
The fact that you see this and understand this is helpful.
You don’t have to agree with her on everything. You just be kind, compassionate, and pray for. Work toward moving out and away. She has to deal with her own issues.
You can’t fix her. Especially since she doesn’t want to change.
Prayer is the only way. At least you will have peace in your own heart, and know that you did your best. If that’s not good enough for her?
Dust off your sandals and move on. I know it’s heartbreaking. But truly, she and your father have issues that only they can fix for themselves. Don’t even worry about switching roles and being a parent to them. It’s not your time to do that, It’s not your place, and it won’t work anyway.
Be assured of our prayers.

 

[angell1]

Your mother is really damaged. Pray for her.
Tell her your love her. If it makes her feel uncomfortable, because that makes her vulnerable, this is the perfect time to say "mom, when my friends are kind to me and you get angry and defensive ,that makes ME uncomfortable.
With your disability, you sometimes have to depend on others, There’s no shame in this, and she should understand that if she (God forbid) dies, who will you lean on? She’s not going to be there forever. If she wants you to be successful, she should want you to be somewhat independent. You have oodles of potential. Don’t allow her negativity and her own personal problems hinder your growth and maturity.
The fact that you see this and understand this is helpful.
You don’t have to agree with her on everything. You just be kind, compassionate, and pray for. Work toward moving out and away. She has to deal with her own issues.
You can’t fix her. Especially since she doesn’t want to change.
Prayer is the only way. At least you will have peace in your own heart, and know that you did your best. If that’s not good enough for her?
Dust off your sandals and move on. I know it’s heartbreaking. But truly, she and your father have issues that only they can fix for themselves. Don’t even worry about switching roles and being a parent to them. It’s not your time to do that, It’s not your place, and it won’t work anyway.
Be assured of our prayers.

oh, trust me, we’ve had many “what will happen when I die” conversations

which usually results in “you father will run off with another woman and will spend all of my money, but I don’t trust you with you either because everyone will take advantage of you because of your blind and screw you over”

I’m so tired of living under this shadow of mistrust and suspicion that everyone is out to get you sort of mindset

also, that’s another thing. we don’t really express love through words or actions, she doesn’t believe my words, it goes something more like “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t do x, y and z, which I find disrespectful, even if they’re crazy things.” like the ride thing, her phiolosophy is, why bother going to church anyawys, you could have just stayed home and avoided the whole situation. or you could have made something up to tell the person offering you the ride

she has set expectations, which I don’t even know sometimes. and If don’t do the right thing that she expects, then it’s seen as unloving or unsupportive

like I said, I really wish we could be close. but it just doesn’t work that way. she’s just the authoritarian type of parent who loves through harshness and discipline. and I don’t doubt she wants what’s best for me, but like you guys said, she has her own unresolved issues that cloud things. so it’s never going to be, approach mom if you’re having a bad day, get a hug and cry in her lap, type of situation. not in a million years.

I just keep having this feeling that things will somehow end badly and she will think some decision I make is unloving or unsupportive

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi angell1,

It sounds like you’re already doing the best that you can, and like the others have said, you can’t fix your Mom.

I agree with what 1ke and pianistclare said, and that is to just make plans to eventually leave. That would be the best thing to do, in my opinion, too.

When I was a young adult and still living at home, my Mom still tried to control what I did, too. She didn’t like some of my friends, either, and to me, her opinion wasn’t justified.

I never thought about my own home situation until years later. For me, it was like I didn’t see what was right in front of me, because I was involved in it. It wasn’t until I was away from home and had some more years behind me, that I realized how controlling the whole situation was.

 

[pianistclare]

oh, trust me, we’ve had many “what will happen when I die” conversations

which usually results in “you father will run off with another woman and will spend all of my money, but I don’t trust you with you either because everyone will take advantage of you because of your blind and screw you over”

I’m so tired of living under this shadow of mistrust and suspicion that everyone is out to get you sort of mindset

also, that’s another thing. we don’t really express love through words or actions, she doesn’t believe my words, it goes something more like “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t do x, y and z, which I find disrespectful, even if they’re crazy things.” like the ride thing, her phiolosophy is, why bother going to church anyawys, you could have just stayed home and avoided the whole situation. or you could have made something up to tell the person offering you the ride

she has set expectations, which I don’t even know sometimes. and If don’t do the right thing that she expects, then it’s seen as unloving or unsupportive

like I said, I really wish we could be close. but it just doesn’t work that way. she’s just the authoritarian type of parent who loves through harshness and discipline. and I don’t doubt she wants what’s best for me, but like you guys said, she has her own unresolved issues that cloud things. so it’s never going to be, approach mom if you’re having a bad day, get a hug and cry in her lap, type of situation. not in a million years.

I just keep having this feeling that things will somehow end badly and she will think some decision I make is unloving or unsupportive

Well, then that’s what will happen and you resolve NOT TO BLAME YOURSELF.
At this point, the only person you can rely on, can trust, or can deal with is yourself, and likely, your Spiritual Director.
Stay close to God, pray for strength and just survive long enough to get clear of both of them. I hate to say this, and really never thought I would.
But your situation is pretty severe from what you have always said.
Be the best person you can be, and get away as soon as you can. No matter what you do, they will be disappointed. That’s their problem. Truly.
Don’t let it tear up your life. She needs help, she likely won’t seek it or accept it.
You can make the decision to take a different path.

 

[Elena321]

so I’ve posted about my family issues before.

I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing to do, I mean you guys are strangers but I still feel like it’s detraction somehow

I just don’t know how to make things better. I am not able to move out at the moment.

how do I deal with the fact that my mom doesn’t really want me to have friends?

or the fact that she always seems to find something to dislike about the people I become close with and gets mad if I continue the friendship? for example, there’s a very sweet polish lady at my parish who I’m closer with then my own family, but my mom just seems to have issues with her. she thinks the lady “gave her a dirty look” once or is “trying to take me away from the family” because we are close and I’m the one who made an effort to try and build the relationship with a strong catholic who really wants to follow the lord.

or how she doesn’t want me to accept rides from people because she doesn’t want them knowing where we live? and doesn’t want me giving that as the reason so is basically trying to convince me to lie? same thing when we go on vacation. she thinks everyone will get jealous

the lady mentioned above did drive me home a couple times, once when my parents were out of town and a couple more times when my dad didn’t feel like picking me up. the last time, i even asked my dad it was ok and he said yes but when i got home, i realized he hadn’t actually asked my mom about it. of course, i don’t even know how to mention the fact that I’m not allowed to get rides home. now I’m scared she might accidentally say something about knowing where we live and i’ll be in trouble because i let it happen. then everything will really blow up and be ruined

or if she doesn’t like someone will try to make me hate them too? and if I don’t want to do it, tells me I’m not on her side or being supportive?

and how she hates her life because she stayed at home to raise me and feels like she hasn’t accomplished anything

and everytime we try to talk and I give my opinion or try to contribute to the conversation, if I disagree with her I’m “judging her” or she didn’t ask for my advice.

any concrete suggestions? i just can’t deal with this for much longer. i wish we could be close or get along at least but i don’t know how. obviously, some days are better than others but it is a recurring theme

Hi Angel1,

Your mum sounds threatened by your friendship with this woman or others etc.
Shes also depressed or disgruntled at her life.
Of course you should have friends but at the same time we don’t want your mum to feel that way either.
Try to come up with a plan which is a “win” for both of you.
Can you do some activities,just you and your mum?
Does your mum have any friends or does she do any gym classes or dance classes or other social activities?
It would be ideal if you improve your relationship with your mum but at the same time keep your own sense of adulthood and not have a childlike role or feel guilt or dependency etc.
You wan to care about her feelings but you don’t want to feel responsible for them-theres a difference.
Making a plan to move out (when you can) will be ideal,as you probably know.
Not so you can “get away from your mum” but rather so you can feel free to be an independent adult that then visits your mum or goes out together etc.
When you talk with her try not to disagree or offer advice-just listen and be receptive.
Maybe your mums not the soft nurturing kind but it sounds like she perhaps has other qualities like wisdom to offer?
Her mistrust is a protective mechanism likely from having been hurt in the past or having an awareness of the different types of “chararcters” in the world.

 

[pianistclare]

Hi Angel1,

Your mum sounds threatened by your friendship with this woman or others etc.
Shes also depressed or disgruntled at her life.
Of course you should have friends but at the same time we don’t want your mum to feel that way either.
Try to come up with a plan which is a “win” for both of you.
Can you do some activities,just you and your mum?
Does your mum have any friends or does she do any gym classes or dance classes or other social activities?
It would be ideal if you improve your relationship with your mum but at the same time keep your own sense of adulthood and not have a childlike role or feel guilt or dependency etc.
You wan to care about her feelings but you don’t want to feel responsible for them-theres a difference.
Making a plan to move out (when you can) will be ideal,as you probably know.
Not so you can “get away from your mum” but rather so you can feel free to be an independent adult that then visits your mum or goes out together etc.
When you talk with her try not to disagree or offer advice-just listen and be receptive.
Maybe your mums not the soft nurturing kind but it sounds like she perhaps has other qualities like wisdom to offer?
Her mistrust is a protective mechanism likely from having been hurt in the past or having an awareness of the different types of “chararcters” in the world.

Long story. Long posting history, It’s cultural and there are many factors…too many to rehash. Suffice it to say, their relationship is very tense.
God bless.