How can you tell if someone cares about you?

[redbetta]

A little background, I’m a senior at an all-girl’s high school and will be attending university close to home next fall. But, all freshman have to dorm, so, I won’t be commuting. I’ve been very busy the past four years and I’ve never developed a close friendship to anyone. Even if I had the time, I go to school far from my house and I have limited transportation. My only social media presence is CAF and I’ve only been on for about a year, so, it is too soon for me to feel 100% sure of the friends that I do communicate with on here.

Since I’m inexperienced with any sort of relationship, I’m wondering how can you tell if someone genuinely cares about you in life or online? I figured at least some on here have developed strong friendships online and maybe some have translated to real-world friendships. Also, how can you tell whether or not someone is genuinely likes you? As in, there isn’t a double motive or they aren’t just talking to you because they have nothing better to do. Also, in answers to these questions, is there a difference between how to tell if a male cares about you and how a female does? I’m asking because I haven’t spoken to a guy in four years. Thanks.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Well I’d like you to feel 100%. About myself,
There are a dozen or so ways you could feel that someone likes you,
By their smile when they speak to you, you feel as if there genuinely interested in what you have to say… Sometimes people are shy and find it difficult to express there friendship ,
Many a true love has been lost , simply because of there fear of rejection,
Maybe they feel there not cool enough , not pretty enough , not smart enough,
I like that old ancient expression, it’s better to have loved and lost,
Than Never to have loved at all.
Having never been female , I wouldn’t be surprised if this feeling goes both ways, lol

 

[chevalier]

Just a word or two about the double motive — for some reason people sometimes seem to believe that in approaching a member of the opposite sex for friendship one shouldn’t have a romantic relationship in mind.

But, marriage — and an honest engagement, honest romantic relationship, honest ‘loving feeling’ that precedes it — are nothing dishonourable. Nor do they exclude being a friend.

Same way, just because there are romantic feelings or there is a romantic relationship doesn’t mean the other person can’t be a friend any more (as in demoted to just a colleague or acquaintance simply because ‘dating’ starts).

In most cases, if you meet someone who cares and someone you care about, it will be difficult to tell initially where that’s going.

 

[EasterJoy]

It depends upon what you mean by “cares about you.” Someone may have a great emotional feeling for you, and yet not be a good friend because he or she is not dependable. In contrast, someone who has integrity might be there for you in a moment of need even though you might have thought you weren’t “that close” in terms of how much you socialize. In short: it isn’t so much a matter of how many people you trust, but whether or not you put your trust in those who can fairly be expected to act as you trust they will.

Be a person of integrity. Show up when you say you will, tell the truth, be considerate of others in terms of the accommodations you expect them to make for you, and (probably most important in the setting of a dorm) say nothing behind someone’s back that you would not say if you knew they could overhear. If someone says something rash about someone else, try to soften what they say as if you were saving them from saying something that could be overheard without shaming either the speaker or the person he or she is talking about. Do not say things about yourself that you do not want the entire dorm to know and do not idly share the information of others, either. You never know what things others have told you that they consider private information. Err on the side of caution when it comes to “sharing the news.” Gossip spreads in dorms like wildfire! Once you let a rumor slip, you will never get it back.

Put your trust in others based on how you have seen them act. Do not flatter yourself by expecting better behavior of someone towards you than he or she habitually exhibits towards everyone. What the person does behind the backs of others, expect him or her to do behind your back, too. If the person neglects commitments made to others in order to be with you, expect the same to happen to you when a “better offer” comes along. Be very careful, however, not to sit in judgment of “what kind of person” has what kind of habits. I am suggesting to watch others in order to fairly predict how they will act. That does not mean judging why they don’t act as you think they ought to act. It means putting fair boundaries on the expectations you put on others. For instance, let us say you learn that when someone named Kate says “I’ll be there at 8 pm” it always means she’ll be there between 8:05 and 8:30. Once you learn her habits, you can be much less upset when she is always “late.” You just have an affectionate sense that “Kate time” and the clock on the wall are not likely to coincide!

If you do that, you will be a good friend and deserve to have good friends. After that, if you have one or two other people that you like and that you can depend on to act as you act, you will be doing well. Feel free to enjoy the company of others, but be careful about trusting someone you do not know to have the character and integrity to live up to the trust you put in him or her. Some people, especially early in their lives, don’t appreciate how important that is. Proceed with that in mind, and you’ll have far fewer disappointments. You will find you like your fellow dorm residents much more if you keep your expectations realistic!

 

[PseuTonym]

say nothing behind someone’s back that you would not say if you knew they could overhear.

Is that rule adequate to deal with the possibility that the person with whom you are directly speaking might unintentionally distort what is said, spread the distorted version, and attribute the distorted version of your words to you? Perhaps a safer rule would be: utter no spoken words about anybody. Instead, use written words if you wish to communicate something about somebody. And keep a copy of those written words, including written words identifying the date and time when they were written.

I have seen plenty of distortions and misquotations on discussion boards, with the distorted version of a statement occurring in the same thread where the actual, original statement is posted. If that happens even in a context where anybody can easily check and confirm that there is a distortion, then what happens in contexts where there is no written record and no way to determine what was actually said?

 

[Joy2day]

Read the bible. Read how Jesus died on the cross for you. He cares about you. What else do you need to know?

 

[EasterJoy]

Is that rule adequate to deal with the possibility that the person with whom you are directly speaking might unintentionally distort what is said, spread the distorted version, and attribute the distorted version of your words to you? Perhaps a safer rule would be: utter no spoken words about anybody. Instead, use written words if you wish to communicate something about somebody. And keep a copy of those written words, including written words identifying the date and time when they were written.

I have seen plenty of distortions and misquotations on discussion boards, with the distorted version of a statement occurring in the same thread where the actual, original statement is posted. If that happens even in a context where anybody can easily check and confirm that there is a distortion, then what happens in contexts where there is no written record and no way to determine what was actually said?

That is a very good rule, except that if you won’t talk about anybody else you live with, even to say a good word about them, you won’t have much of a social life with them. You do technically live with the other residents of your dorm, and everyone is naturally going to share news about the people they know in common, even when they are absent. If you are an unfailingly kind voice in your dorm, you’ll do as well as any and better than the vast majority.

 

[EasterJoy]

Read the bible. Read how Jesus died on the cross for you. He cares about you. What else do you need to know?

Well, we have Doctors of the Church, even though we have the Bible. The truth can use commentary, once in awhile.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Redbetta,

When people like each other and care about each other, they genuinely want to be around each other.

In my opinion, that’s how it is with friends, and that’s pretty much how it is with spouses and when you are dating, too. That sounds rather simple, but that is how I think of it–in easy terms.

When a man likes a woman and wants to go out with her, he will ask her to go out with him on a date, or it could be the other way around, where a woman likes a man, and she would ask him to go out with her, instead.

I don’t think that people would be on forums, if they themselves weren’t friendly, and didn’t want to be around others, generally.

Sure, we have all seen spam-type posts and internet trolling, but I am talking about the genuine posts where people come together to talk to each other.