How compassionate should a priest be?

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SiouxAnne

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Hello,

I would like to know how compassionate should a priest be during an emergency. A week ago my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and has basically fallen away from the church since she left for college.

She called me hysterically telling me she had made a mess out of her life and such. After I found her at a park crying and saying, she couldn’t believe what a mess she has made her life and she wanted to end it all, I figured I should turn toward God and go to my parish.

When I got there three very helpful parishioners came to our aid and one called the priest saying there was an emergency. He came about 5 minutes later.

When I explained briefly the situation to my parish priest he basically reprimanded me saying why did I bully my daughter into the church when she obviously didn’t want to be here. He then said I had no right to come to see him without an appointment, he had a prior engagement.

At that point my daughter said between her sobs, “Sir, you are right I don’t want to talk to you but you have no right to talk to my mother that way. She is trying to help me and she came to you for help.” She then proceded to the reception area and waited for the deacon.

At that point the priest apologized and said he misread the situation. I was so confused at that point that I basically said, “I came to you for help and this is what I get. I guess I figure you forgive me and I forgive you and it is a done deal.” And I walked off to join my daughter. He left through the back door.

This happened two weeks ago and he has not called me or my daughter to see how we are doing. Needless to say I feel that I can’t turn to the church if it is going to just reprimand me when I turn to her. At present time I’m looking for a new parish. What is this forum’s take on what happened? Am I overreacting? What would you do?
 
SiouxAnne said:
Hello,

I would like to know how compassionate should a priest be during an emergency. A week ago my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and has basically fallen away from the church since she left for college.

She called me hysterically telling me she had made a mess out of her life and such. After I found her at a park crying and saying, she couldn’t believe what a mess she has made her life and she wanted to end it all, I figured I should turn toward God and go to my parish.

When I got there three very helpful parishioners came to our aid and one called the priest saying there was an emergency. He came about 5 minutes later.

When I explained briefly the situation to my parish priest he basically reprimanded me saying why did I bully my daughter into the church when she obviously didn’t want to be here. He then said I had no right to come to see him without an appointment, he had a prior engagement.

At that point my daughter said between her sobs, “Sir, you are right I don’t want to talk to you but you have no right to talk to my mother that way. She is trying to help me and she came to you for help.” She then proceded to the reception area and waited for the deacon.

At that point the priest apologized and said he misread the situation. I was so confused at that point that I basically said, “I came to you for help and this is what I get. I guess I figure you forgive me and I forgive you and it is a done deal.” And I walked off to join my daughter. He left through the back door.

This happened two weeks ago and he has not called me or my daughter to see how we are doing. Needless to say I feel that I can’t turn to the church if it is going to just reprimand me when I turn to her. At present time I’m looking for a new parish. What is this forum’s take on what happened? Am I overreacting? What would you do?
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Why not start from scratch, arrange to see the priest at a time that suits both him & you, & start again from there ?​

It’s very easy to be imprisoned by our fears - & it’s paralysing. But often, if one makes the effort to act despite these fears, one finds that what one feared is not nearly as big a deal as one thought. Does that help at all ? ##
 
It sounds like this was a very troubling and confusing situation for you and your daughter.
 
I’m sure the priest feels like an idiot right now. He realized his mistake almost as soon as it happened and is probably too embarrassed to call.

I say give him a call, talk to him, and maybe schedule a time that you can all come into together and to chat about things.

Let’s see how that works out.
 
How compassionate should a priest be?
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A bit more than he was.

However…

That being said, we don’t know what his other engagement was. It could have been to go and counsel a family over the death of a child, or to visit with a dying person, or even something personal for him and equally tragic. We just don’t know.

Priests are men - and men have bad days. I’m not condoning his behavior, just saying that maybe giving him the benefit of the doubt, and scheduling some time to see him when the three of you can all sit down and talk.

I’m sorry you had to experience that - I’m sure it was horribly disappointing and difficult for all concerned.

~Liza
 
SiouxAnne said:
…At that point the priest apologized and said he misread the situation…This happened two weeks ago and he has not called me or my daughter to see how we are doing. Needless to say I feel that I can’t turn to the church if it is going to just reprimand me when I turn to her. At present time I’m looking for a new parish. What is this forum’s take on what happened? Am I overreacting? What would you do?
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The church didn’t reprimand you, but as the priest said he misread the situation and (as you already know) he handled himself poorly. God gives people different talents and abilities–and apparently God hasn’t naturally endowed all priests with the people skills we wish they could have. My take is that the priest probably rushed over expecting to give someone last rites, and instead found an emotional emergency that he didn’t know how to handle.

I know a wonderful priest–he preaches marvelous, he says the most reverent Masses, he plans helpful and wonderful guest speakers, I’m certain he’d lay his life down for the church, and yet, when it comes to “people skills”, he is basically innept. I can picture him doing something like you described, because he just doesn’t react to things like many people do and he isn’t yet perfect. Stress reveals our weakness, and the situation you brought to this priest revealed his weakness. This priest probably has many talents and abilities–don’t judge him based on soley on this weakness.

If the only problem with your parish is this event, then I suggest you stay–but realize that this priest isn’t the one to turn to for emotional support. You mentioned that several parishioneers and the deacon were helpful–your parish was there for you! Priests are important members of our church, but they aren’t the only members. Make an extra effort to pray for this priest. God wishes him to learn compassion, and your experience was part of his learning experience.
 
Based on your account of the situation …

I am not going to respond with any more compassion than the priest did, I am afraid. Perhaps in his position, he should have responded with more compassion than he did, but in general terms - from the way I read your account - his reaction was not out of line.

Breaking up with a boyfriend does not constitute and emergency. Sitting in the park crying does not cause it to rise to the level of emergency. As for her histrionics in sayng she wanted to “end it all”, I cannot say if your daughter is the type that you need to take this statement seriously. That is up to you to judge. If you need to take her seriously, get her professional help - priests are not professionals in suicide prevention.

Calling him into this situation using the word “emergency” was wrong, IMO. He deserves an apology from someone for the unwarranted use of that word.

Could he / Should he have handled it better? Sure. Was way he out of line? No. Should he follow up now? Probably, but so should you.

You have to remember that in many parishes, priests do not have time to catch their breath …he may have had half a dozen real emergencies in the time since.
 
Just to let you know that she did get professional help. She was on a suicide watch for 5 days. It was an emergency, I just didn’t know where to turn and decided to go toward “home” to my parish family and get help for my daughter.

Now I realize that that was not the way to turn. I guess priest are just there to administer sacraments.
 
SiouxAnne said:
Just to let you know that she did get professional help. She was on a suicide watch for 5 days. It was an emergency, I just didn’t know where to turn and decided to go toward “home” to my parish family and get help for my daughter.

Now I realize that that was not the way to turn. I guess priest are just there to administer sacraments.
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siouxanne, How humbling this must have been for all of you. No priests are not just there to administer the sacraments, obviously this priest was having a bad day. I had to leave my church on Palm Sunday with my ailing mother, who was not feeling well. An hour later our priest arrived at my mothers house to check on both of us and bring us Holy Communion. His kindness was overwhelming. Pray for him, and I will pray for you and your daughter. God Bless you.
 
SiouxAnne said:
Just to let you know that she did get professional help. She was on a suicide watch for 5 days. It was an emergency, I just didn’t know where to turn and decided to go toward “home” to my parish family and get help for my daughter.

Now I realize that that was not the way to turn. I guess priest are just there to administer sacraments.
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Not so, my sister in Christ. The Priests are there to be spiritual fathers to their parishes. The only downside is, the only guarantee you have of any random priest is administering the sacraments - because even the most ill tempered, disgruntled, or even (for the sake of argument) sinful priest can do that…

But even though that’s the only guarantee, it’s not the only thing priests are there for. We call them “Father” for a reason. Unfortunately, just like biological fathers, they come in all stripes. Some will be perfectly balanced and loving, always approaching a situation with a level head and open arms. Others will be overbearing; others will be preoccupied and distant.

Ideally, however, a priest should be like the father he’s supposed to be; you should be able to turn to him in times of need. He should (at the top of his game) consider you like a daughter, and you should be able to think of him as a father figure (Depending on ages, this could be awkward, but it’s the model for things).

That said, it’s good that you sought specialized help, because there’s one more consideration - just like a biological father, even the most well-meaning and kind-hearted priests won’t always be equiped to handle every situation. The humble thing for a priest to do in such a case, however, would be (instead of becoming perterbed) to kindly suggest the alternative, much as any father would tell his child when he hadn’t the resources to give efficent help. Then, some priests may be quite experienced in psychology and emotional problems (just like some biological fathers might) and might be able to offer good help and insight alongside a specialist’s help.

So while specialized help is a good thing in a case like this, please don’t think in the future that priests are only there for the sacraments. They are there to be fathers to us. If your local parish priest isn’t fulfilling that role (perhaps by no deliberate fault of his own - he may have been simply having a bad day as even the kindest of fathers are prone, or he may just be awkward with emotions as even the most loving of fathers can be), it doesn’t mean you have to leave the parish (as you say, he fulfills your sacramental needs after all), but you may want to find another priest to fulfill the more fatherly and emotional duties of priestly fatherhood if your local priest is consistently not fulfilling it. That’s an advantage we don’t have with our biological fathers (going to a different father for different needs), so I would suggest you take full advantage of the God given gift of being able to do so, my sister.

God bless,

KindredSoul

P.S. I hope to be a priest someday, and as I have always wanted children of my own (but now feel called to priesthood), I plan to take the fatherly, emotional and compassionate role very seriously, as hard as it may be (I can be shy and awkward, which I hope to deal with in Seminary somehow). I hope my good intentions may provide some hope that many other priests approach the priesthood the same way.
 
if all the priest had to go on was what OP related in the intial post, he should be forgiven for not appreciating the seriousness of the situation. It certainly does not sound like either OP or the daughter gave him a chance to hear and react to the real story, and it sounds very much as if he came in while the two were arguing, and he might very well have misread the situation. Rather than two people carrying a grudge, not only against the hapless priest, but against the whole church, on the basis of this one incident, a much more satisfying and helpful response would be to make an appointment, and go together to talk things over calmly and rationally. The priest is not a crisis intervention counsellor, and if the daughter was suicidal a psych ward would have been my first stop, not the church.
 
puzzleannie said:
Rather than two people carrying a grudge, not only against the hapless priest, but against the whole church, on the basis of this one incident, a much more satisfying and helpful response would be to make an appointment, and go together to talk things over calmly and rationally.
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You’re right: this was a very emotional situation, apparently, and both sides, both priest and mother and daughter, must be willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt…the priest may after all ultimately prove to be very understanding and fatherly (which I outlined as good qualities for a priest in Post #10), and it may have all just been a misunderstanding on all sides (after all, he seems to have admitted to being mistaken). This was a serious situation (the daugher being genuinely suicidal) and I’m sorry to hear that it caused so much tension for both sides.
 
What a terrifying situation for a mother to have to endure! To see a child, in such pain, ultimately on suicide watch to make sure she doesn’t take her own life.

As a mother, my heart goes out to you.

Our Lady is going through the same agony as you are right now. You are her daughter, in such pain, and now, judging from your last post, where you wrote,

" I just didn’t know where to turn and decided to go toward “home” to my parish family and get help for my daughter.
Now I realize that that was not the way to turn. I guess priest are just there to administer sacraments."

it sounds like you are putting your immortal life in danger by spreading your anger towards one priest to all priests and the Church they serve.

You and your daughter are in my prayers,
Cari
 
Just to let you know that the whole situation was was very humbling to me and probably to my daughter and the priest involved. I thank you all for your prayers and suggestion.

I will be going back to the parish since my twin boys will be receiving their First Communion in two weeks. I don’t know if I can approach the priest for a follow up meeting but if he suggest one, I will be willing to meet with him. I couldn’t say I would of been willing before I read all of your suggestions.

As for puzzleannie, there was never any hysterics going on in the priest’s office. He basically had us go to his office, we walked in calmly. I started telling him what was going on and my daughter was just quiet. There was no screaming and no one was holding a grudge. It was a mother seeking counsel with her adult child in tow. I didn’t understand the situation either, that is why I went to my parish priest. I didn’t know where to go.

Of course now I know that the best place for my daughter was taking her to the hospital. I know that now not then. I’m glad to hear puzzelannie knew where to turn to (a psyche ward) before heading to church in my situation. I guess I was being naive BUT I was looking for direction not reprisals.
 
I believe all of us here, like me, would apologize if we misjudged your situation, but I only remind you, all we had to go on – like your priest-- was what you told us in OP. We can’t read minds, we can’t know the back story, either could he, and I don’t know why you expected him to be able to do so.
 
SiouxAnne said:
Hello,

I would like to know how compassionate should a priest be during an emergency. A week ago my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and has basically fallen away from the church since she left for college.

She called me hysterically telling me she had made a mess out of her life and such. After I found her at a park crying and saying, she couldn’t believe what a mess she has made her life and she wanted to end it all, I figured I should turn toward God and go to my parish.

When I got there three very helpful parishioners came to our aid and one called the priest saying there was an emergency. He came about 5 minutes later.

When I explained briefly the situation to my parish priest he basically reprimanded me saying why did I bully my daughter into the church when she obviously didn’t want to be here. He then said I had no right to come to see him without an appointment, he had a prior engagement.

At that point my daughter said between her sobs, “Sir, you are right I don’t want to talk to you but you have no right to talk to my mother that way. She is trying to help me and she came to you for help.” She then proceded to the reception area and waited for the deacon.

At that point the priest apologized and said he misread the situation. I was so confused at that point that I basically said, “I came to you for help and this is what I get. I guess I figure you forgive me and I forgive you and it is a done deal.” And I walked off to join my daughter. He left through the back door.

This happened two weeks ago and he has not called me or my daughter to see how we are doing. Needless to say I feel that I can’t turn to the church if it is going to just reprimand me when I turn to her. At present time I’m looking for a new parish. What is this forum’s take on what happened? Am I overreacting? What would you do?
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I was your daughter when ai was 16.

My mother took me to a priest. It was a total waste of time. No confession required (in my case attempted suicide). It took me out of the Church and many years in the desert before I found my way Home.

I pray for the priests who have failed me, I pray for any others they may have failed, and that they may get it right before they die and face God.
 
puzzleannie said:
I believe all of us here, like me, would apologize if we misjudged your situation, but I only remind you, all we had to go on – like your priest-- was what you told us in OP. We can’t read minds, we can’t know the back story, either could he, and I don’t know why you expected him to be able to do so.
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Well put!

Kathy
 
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