How could I be a better wife?

[Chovy]

I am really struggling to be a good wife and would like some tips from those of you who are successful wives or husbands.

My husband and I have had a very difficult year, with a move to Pennsylvania followed by an upcoming move to Ohio, a physical separation due to us being foster parents and not being able to both leave our home state at the same time (we were happily married, just residing in different states), the loss of our foster baby and constant worry over her ongoing care, struggles with infertility and insurance refusing to pay for infertility, and the usual ups and downs of everyday life.

My husband has a very challenging career and works hard to provide for us. I also work, and my job is similar to his but much less challenging in that I have my own business and set my own hours. DH is frequently stressed out because of his job, and much of that stress carries over into our personal life. He works many long days and works in the mornings and evenings from home right now also because he is understaffed and due to moving the company the staff he does have are losing their jobs and justifiably not very motivated right now.

What I’m finding is that I am unhappy with how I act towards my DH. I start off each day resolving to be a better listener, to be more understanding, and to be more affectionate. I try to keep our temporary housing neat and clean, have dinners that he likes ready when he gets home and to plan outings for us when its possible.

When he starts expressing his unhappiness about our living conditions or his work environment or whatever is troubling him, I seem to react in a negative manner. I am critical, I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to be supportive, I just want to talk about something else. I either just bite my lip, smile and try to be supportive, (allthewhile wishing I could be somewhere else) or I listen and then complain that he talks about work too much or that it’s only 5 am and I’d like to focus on more pleasant things.

I really want to change how I am with my husband and wonder if anyone has good advice. We go to Mass together weekly, pray together regularly, read scripture together, and watch EWTN once in a while. I know there must be something I could do to be a better wife.

 

[CatholicSam]

It sounds like you two have many crosses to bear right now. One simple thing you could do that would make a tremendous difference is to offer up all these sufferings for the intention of a strong, holy marriage.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I am really struggling to be a good wife and would like some tips from those of you who are successful wives or husbands.

My husband and I have had a very difficult year, with a move to Pennsylvania followed by an upcoming move to Ohio, a physical separation due to us being foster parents and not being able to both leave our home state at the same time (we were happily married, just residing in different states), the loss of our foster baby and constant worry over her ongoing care, struggles with infertility and insurance refusing to pay for infertility, and the usual ups and downs of everyday life.

My husband has a very challenging career and works hard to provide for us. I also work, and my job is similar to his but much less challenging in that I have my own business and set my own hours. DH is frequently stressed out because of his job, and much of that stress carries over into our personal life. He works many long days and works in the mornings and evenings from home right now also because he is understaffed and due to moving the company the staff he does have are losing their jobs and justifiably not very motivated right now.

What I’m finding is that I am unhappy with how I act towards my DH. I start off each day resolving to be a better listener, to be more understanding, and to be more affectionate. I try to keep our temporary housing neat and clean, have dinners that he likes ready when he gets home and to plan outings for us when its possible.

When he starts expressing his unhappiness about our living conditions or his work environment or whatever is troubling him, I seem to react in a negative manner. I am critical, I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to be supportive, I just want to talk about something else. I either just bite my lip, smile and try to be supportive, (allthewhile wishing I could be somewhere else) or I listen and then complain that he talks about work too much or that it’s only 5 am and I’d like to focus on more pleasant things.

I really want to change how I am with my husband and wonder if anyone has good advice. We go to Mass together weekly, pray together regularly, read scripture together, and watch EWTN once in a while. I know there must be something I could do to be a better wife.

Chovy,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this and hope that you can both find peace soon. I know that this can be a struggle especially with so many outside forces weighing down on the both of you right now. Maybe if you can weather the storm for now that may ease up some of the tension. However, that does not get you past the day to day for right now.

From knowing you (partially) from the forums, I know that you have a kind heart and your intentions are good. I think that a way that you can improve is to just be there for your husband for what he needs. I know that you have needs as well and hopefully he is mindful of that as well. But if you want to be there for him that is what you need to do, be there for him. Be there for whatever he may need, within reason. Maybe going above and beyond at times, but always being there for him. It sounds as if he is burning the candle at both ends and you are worried about that.

I think that you both need time to just “be.” No outside distractions, just you and him and nothing more. Maybe it is a weekend getaway. Maybe it is a bed and breakfast. Maybe it is dinner and a movie. Just “be.” Get away from the stress of the routine that you are both in. Break that cycle if only for the weekend to gain a new outlook, a breath of fresh air. Rediscover each other. I am not implying that you have any problems within your marriage so do not take any of this that way. You seem to have a very strong marriage and think that is a true blessing.

The fact that you want to be a better wife to your husband speaks volumes. I would also suggest seeing if there are any good books out there that you can read to help out. Being a guy, I am not aware of any off the top of my head, but will ask my DW and see if she can think of any and if she has any suggestions to help you out. I will ask her to check out this thread.

In the meantime, God bless you and your DH. If you come to town, we would love to meet both of you.

 

[Archerette74]

When he starts expressing his unhappiness about our living conditions or his work environment or whatever is troubling him, I seem to react in a negative manner. I am critical, I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to be supportive, I just want to talk about something else. I either just bite my lip, smile and try to be supportive, (allthewhile wishing I could be somewhere else) or I listen and then complain that he talks about work too much or that it’s only 5 am and I’d like to focus on more pleasant things.

When he starts doing this, is he specifically telling you that he is unahppy with you? or something you are doing (or not doing)? He may just be communicating to you what is on his mind. Praise God that he is talking about it with you!!!

Maybe you could slip into counseling for a short while so you can work on your communication skills together. He may need to find a new way of expressing his thoughts, and you might need to find a new way of being open to really truly listening to what he is saying without being defensive, without judging and being critical…

Call Catholic Charities… they have professional marriage counselors who volunteer for them. They will assess your financial situation and you will have to pay on a sliding scale fee. When DH and I needed some help 10 years ago, they had us paying only $5 a weekly session. All we needed to work on was our communication skills. It’s been smooth sailing since!

Best of luck to you, I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[stevedewsu]

It sounds like you are doing everything “right”. My wife and I struggle this way sometimes too. The best thing to do is the things that you are doing. Continue trying to make his life at home the least stressful as possible. The two of you praying together is awesome. Prayer is the greatest and most powerful tool that God has given us. The greatest blessing is love. With those two things and your dedication… I pray that God will give you and your husband the strength to carry the cross you carry today. I think that patience and prayer is the only thing else you can do. It sounds like everything else you are doing is right on par.

 

[Chovy]

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions. I will be implementing much of what you’ve advised. I really appreciate people taking time out of their day to think about my problems and to help.

 

[ChinaDad]

Chovy-

I think the two of you need to have some talks…sounds like you both have a great deal on your plates - jobs, living quarters, infertility.

Talk to each other about what you want, and each of you needs to help the other get what they want…not what “you” want.

I had a job that I made six-figures. Felt like I had an elephant on my chest every morning when I got up. Lived in a half million dollar home. Went through 12 years of infertility with my wife.

I left that job. Make half the money I used to. Live in a much smaller house. We adopted two beautiful girls from China. And I have no more elephant on my chest in the morning.

Heavenly Father, help us to live in the world without becoming worldly. Help us to live in Your word and realize that when a door shuts You open a window. Amen.

 

[Orionthehunter]

You have resolved to be the best wife you can be. Just continue to ask for God’s graces to help you improve and don’t beat you up on the imperfections. Marriage isn’t inherently a cake walk. In fact, it is the trials that you and your marriage can become stronger.

I just sense that you might be beating yourself up w/ the expectation of utopia. Instead, get up every morning in gratitude that you have a loving husband to share these tough times and a God who is with you too. God Bless you.

P.S. As someone who has been married for decades, raised four children, fifth grandchild to be born any day, you will someday look back on these days as the good old days.

 

[duskyjewel]

When he starts complaining, go to him, sit astride his lap, facing him and plant the most passionate kiss you can muster on him. If you still need to use words after that point, tell him to take you to bed so you guys can do something fun instead of worrying.

I can’t think of any man who would be able to refuse that. Also, men get a lot of their affirmation and self-worth from their wives’ expressions of how physically desirable they are. Women want and need love in words, men want and need love in physical ways, especially sex. That is a generalization, but usually true. So, by cutting of his complaints, you save yourself some of the aggravation of listening to them for the hundredth time. (Discussion is good and a vital part of working things through, but when it’s just venting over and over again, it can be counterproductive wallowing.) But you also get the side benefits of shoring up his ego and affirming him in the most effective way and of strengthening your marital bond of affection. Both of those will probably go a long way toward improving your relations with each other outside the bedroom.

 

[CatholicSamurai]

Study the “Theology of the Body”. It’s been a great help for me as a husband. Because of it, I understand who I am and how I can be a better husband. My problem now is how do I indoctrinate my wife about the “Theology of the Body”.

I think you’re trying your real best. Perhaps, it’s your husband who needs to take it easy on you. It is understandable that you would feel negative… you, after all, worked hard in doing your part. But Theology of the Body can teach you to take a step into your husband’s direction and understand him. Let me give you a basic… Your husband needs to “die” for you and in turn you need to support him in “dying” for you.

Oh yes… your husband also would need to take a step into your direction to understand you. As a woman, you ought to be appreciated because in reality you reflect God by being a woman. Your very nature speaks this in volumes.

It’s not much but I hope this helps.