How do I deal with difficult mom?

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SantaMaria

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My mom always expect me to talk to her and she gets upset when our conversation is small and it makes me feel so guilty for hurting her feelings because she doesn’t like small talks but she doesn’t know that I’m hurting too! She has many friends her age, she’s married to my stepdad they’re still young and I’m in my mid 20s married with children under 3. I give my best to make her happy I give my mom $150 a week but it seems like it’s never good enough! I even live 3 minutes away from her. I just want to spend my time with my husband and children but she can’t handle one day without talking to me. I love my mom so much I want her to enjoy her life with her husband and my little siblings while I want to enjoy my life without feeling guilty. She knows that I will be the one to take care of her when she’s old but right now I really want to focus my energy to my husband and babies. My mom is so needy and I’m so tired feeling like a bad daughter I feel so small 😭😭
 
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Many people have suggested a book titled “Boundaries.” I do not know the author, but you can google it.

It sounds like you may need to set some boundaries with your mom. But at the same time, you should keep some contact with her, even if it’s just a daily text saying hello, stating what you are doing that day and wishing her a great day.

Maybe doing something once a week that is just you and her will satisfy her need to have access to you. For instance, you and your mom go out to lunch once a week on the same day.

I am not sure why you give your mom money, but you must need that for your own family, don’t you? It sounds like your mom just wants to be a part of your life, but it is up to you to set some boundaries of how much you can or want to include her.
 
I like Irishmom2’s response, but would note that for demanding people there is no “satisfaction” possible. Please stop trying to “satisfy” her, and remember that you are not responsible for her happiness. She is responsible. Not you. This is worth repeating, because you are clearly used to thinking that it’s your job to make her happy, and when she’s not you’re failing.

You need to be a mother to your children, not your mother, who doesn’t seem elderly or infirm from your post. Also, what does your husband feel about giving her $150 per week? Remember, when you are married, financial decisions don’t affect just you–they also affect your family, and large expenses shouldn’t be taken unilaterally.

Be kind, respectful, and loving when you talk to your mom. Spend as much time with her as you think is okay with you and your family. However, being a good daughter does not mean neglecting your other responsibilities in the futile hope that somehow she’ll approve of you!

Your mother is most unlikely to change. Instead, you must change. Stop feeling like a bad daughter and so small. This will take a great deal of time, and it will be difficult, but it is both possible and necessary. It is even possible that retraining your mom’s expectations will actually make her happier with you.
 
Unless you are living under her roof or paying back money she gave you when you were in need, I don’t understand why you are giving your mother money. She and your stepfather should be living off their own earnings.

It’s fine for your mother to want to talk to you every day. I’m sure hearing your voice is of great comfort to her. Set aside a regular block of time for these daily conversations. Make sure she knows that except for emergencies, the rest of your time is for your husband, your children and the daily activities you normally engage in.
 
My MIL lives about 3 minutes away. We’ve set aside one night a week to go over to her place for dinner and spend time with her as a family. I try to bring the kids over to her place periodically, so they can give her hugs and kisses, and maybe spend a little time playing there to liven up her place. Occasionally, we’ll schedule a sleepover where she can have fun playing grandma.

It was hard finding a balance. When the kids were young, if I brought them over too often— she felt like she was taken advantage of as a babysitter. When the kids were older, and in school— she never saw them enough and she felt lonely. Sometimes I would go over and talk to her if I needed help with a project and try to include her— and she would feel annoyed that I only talked to her when I needed something. Sometimes I would go over and spend a little time with her without asking for anything— and she would be suspicious something was wrong because I didn’t ask for help with anything. 😛

My mom lives a few hundred miles away. I talk to her once a week, but I know other adults (of my parents’ generation) who phone their mom daily. I’m more of an introvert, so I’m not so chatty in person… and I know that irritates her, because she wants to be involved, but I’m not a great conversationalist.

But for someone who’s three minutes away, and if there’s grandkids involved— see about enlarging her role in her grandkids’ lives, presuming there’s no hazards that you’re trying to keep your kids protected from.
 
Your mom is asking a lot of a young mom with multiple children under 3.

I don’t know if it’s wise to actually say this, but here’s what I would be tempted to say (or at least I’d think it hard): “Mom, this is a really tough time in my life and I need your support as a new mom of little children. What I need from you is you accepting what I have to offer you right now. I have a lot of people in my life who are like mom-mom-mom-mom-mom! and I don’t need one more person doing that to me. Accept what I have to give you and enjoy the time we have together. Let’s not spend our limited conversation time together with you asking me why I don’t talk to you more.”

It may not be wise to actually say that, but this might be helpful:

 
Thank you everyone. I give money to my mum every week because I come from a country where they teach children to pay back for what your parents have done to you. My husband and I don’t have a problem with that but I have issue with mum always putting me down sometimes she talks about her hurt feeling to her friends and on Facebook. She have a lot of support and friends. She feels disrespected because I don’t honour her enough. She use bible verses to make me feel bad
 
Some people are very hard to please, even mothers. Do what you can, what is within your ability to do and satisfy your own feelings as regards to duty. Sometimes even parents will use their children unfairly and employ emotional blackmail to get their own way, I’m not saying your mother is doing this, I’m just saying that it’s not unheard of.

Your priority is to your own young family. Your mother should come second to this. You might point out that if satisfying all these demands on you make you ill no one will benefit.
 
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I don’t live with my mom even my two other sisters ever since we left she felt like we all deserted her. We do our best to visit her but she still said to me that “i’m not lucky with my all children”
 
SantaMaria said:
I don’t live with my mom even my two other sisters ever since we left she felt like we all deserted her. We do our best to visit her but she still said to me that “i’m not lucky with my all children”
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Here’s a phrase for you: “I’m sorry you feel that way, mom.”
 
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