How do I deal with people's stupidity

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Igor90

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We’ve all read questions and stories by people who experience hurtful words and/or actions from others, their kin included. But dealing with people who by no means hurt you or even want to but still make you literally shake with their silly features, behaviors, idiosyncrasies and basically their views and words you can’t help but find idiotic is another pair of shoes.

I am a short-tempered guy and it’s really easy to get on my nerves. Matter of fact, it’s rather an exception than a rule for me to actually like somebody. On the other hand, though, I do my best to make sure I am not the irritating one.

That being said, do you have any ideas what (apart from prayer, obviously) might do the trick here? I try to love such people and not let my anger show but sometimes even the smallest trifle can make me boil inside. Of course I try not to pay heed but it’s easier said than done. And I guess talking to them is not worth it, as a) I do not have to spend any time more than necessary with most of them b) it would only ignite a conflict that would otherwise remain non-existent.

Thanks a lot!
 
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Well, I know you said “apart from prayer”, but honestly, prayer is about the best answer to this dilemma.

The only other advice I have is to remember that you cannot control the other person who is acting in a hurtful, ridiculous, annoying way, but you CAN control your own reaction to them. You can choose to get all het up over their behavior, or you can choose to take that energy and redirect it into something positive, such as:
  • praying for the person, or praying to God for patience for yourself
  • doing something fun that you enjoy, or something productive like catching up on work
  • if you are really motivated: trying to understand why the person is acting as they do (this is not required, but may be useful if the person is somebody like your family member or work mate who you have to deal with all the time)
There are books and articles out there on “how to deal with difficult people” that can be useful if, like I said, this is someone you have to cope with often.

If it’s just some random person you run into in real life or on the Internet, I would suggest remembering the old story about the two monks (you pick the denomination of monk, I usually hear Buddhist but it could be any monks really):

Two monks come to a river. There’s an old lady who can’t get across and she asks if the monks will carry her across the river. The older monk says OK and picks up the old lady, puts her on his back and proceeds to cross the river with the young monk.

The old lady proceeds to complain and harangue the old monk the whole way across the river: he’s holding her wrong, he’s not moving fast enough, he’s jostling her, etc. On the other side of the river, he puts her down and she goes on her way without so much as a “thank you”.

The monks then proceed on their way. 2 hours later, the young monk, who has been frowning the whole time, finally bursts out and says to the older one, “How could you stand carrying that nasty old woman across the river? You did her a favor and she was totally ungrateful and a pain to deal with! Why do people act like that?”

The older monk said, "I put the lady down 2 hours ago. But you are still carrying her. "

This story has helped me a lot in terms of letting stuff go and moving on.
 
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Well, I used to be a very short tempered guy too, but I’m no longer that kind of guy.
I suggest that you deepen your underatanding about the center of our religion which is love and compassion (and that includes forgiveness).
Try to get your head thinking, why on earth would Jesus and God forgive us for what we’ve done?
I find it hard to forgive certain people, but after thinking about His forgiveness I can start to forgive people more.
As for these stupid peoples, I suggest that you don’t reason with them, most of them only thinks the way the want to think. They won’t even try to understand what you’re trying to say.
 
Smile…Nod vaguely…walk away…

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” - Mark Twain

“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” - again Mark Twain

Smart man, Mr Twain.
 
You don’t know what crosses and burdens “stupid” people are carrying.

Also, make sure that you’re not being and acting stupid.

A little humility goes a long way.
 
What you are describing is arrogance which is, at its root, pride. You are judging people according to your ideas of right wrong behavior or right and wrong thinking.

I’m not saying this to make you angry or insult you. I’m talking from experience because I struggle with this also.

We all have preferences about many things. The problem begins when we believe our preferences are right and everyone elses are wrong.

I as God every day to help me accept people where they are and as they are vs. where I think they should be.

I think what really drove this point home for me was a discussion I had with my spiritual director one day. I was complaining about what an idiot I thought my supervisor was and describing how he handled a situation, poorly in my opinion.

My spiritual director looked at me and gently asked, “Has it occurred to you that someone else might handle the situation differently and that they could also be correct?” Gee. Well, no, it hadn’t occurred to me at all because I “knew” I was right.

So, this is an ongoing struggle and it won’t end overnight. I can say that 8 years after that conversation and after consistent daily prayer, or reminding myself, to accept others as they are, I have made a lot of improvement in this area. I am also much quicker to realize when I am engaging in an arrogant way of thinking and to make myself stop it.
 
It sounds like you may be impatient. Lack of patience is a vice b/c patience is a virtue.

It is something that should be confessed.

Impatience is nothing more than being selfish with your time. I struggle with it as well.
 
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I remember having those exact same feelings about a certain “stupid” person. Your description of my sister-in-law is spot on. Visiting always started out ok but invariably went downhill fast, me seething all the way.

It didn’t help my feelings to recognize most if the irritants were due to her upbringing, sparse education, and an inexplicable brand of charisma that often made her the embarrassing centre of attention.

She passed away 6 years ago, suddenly, from a stroke. I miss her. I am sorry that I too often allowed my feelings to be stronger than my will to see and love her as Jesus sees and loves me, despite my many “stupidities.”

My final mortification is that after she died, I realized that my dear brother, strong, gentle and upright, deeply and truly loved her. I know now that his eyes were a lot clearer than mine.
 
Confession.

Your impatience, your judgement, your anger are your issues to deal with.

Go to confession. Repeat as necessary. It is humbling and healing.
 
To be on the receiving end of anger can strip away self esteem and confidence.It is always helpful to put yourself in others shoes ,really be there and try and feel how they would be feeling.
Perhaps looking into anger management could be worth your while too.
God bless.
 
When dealing with Anger Management folks, you should realize you are dealing with folks tied to the Sherrif’s department in your county. LCSW’s etc…

Those folks aren’t the best to go to for help; sometimes they can do more harm than good. God’s grace is what you need. Now, if you find an LCSW who has Holy Orders, maybe that would be worth your while.
 
I guess different countries ,different councelling.
There are men’s groups in Australia aimed at helping men
without making it unusual.
 
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"Whoever is irritated without reason will
guilty, but whoever does it with reason will not be guilty. Because if anger does not exist, nor
the instruction is not progressing, neither the judgments are carried, nor the crimes are repressed. "
Chrysostome
Click to expand...
Getting angry is not always an evil.
(St Thomas)
 
You have to figure out if you are rightly angry or just angry in general because of pride.
After confession, prayer like it has been said in the above comments, if you do still objectively feel that it is the unjust situations that make you angry and not just the hurt pride when you’re been criticized, then you should pray to God to enlighten you on how to correct the people who make you angry. In a way that makes them understand the criticism you make and it is sure that you are not just offended because you took it personally.
The only way to get rightly angry is to over come your own sense of self in the beginning and the desire to keep up arguing for the sake of the battle.
I think St. John Chrysostom was referring to righteous anger not just being pissed off all the time whenever you meet mean people.
Does seeing other people other than yourself being hurt of humiliated by others also make you angry? Or only when you are subjected to this type of behavior?
 
If you’re consistently finding almost everyone irritating and you dislike most people, the problem is likely you. I’d consider some therapy, perhaps.
 
We all need to Pray for the Grace to,Forgive, have Self Control ,Control our tongues and be silent.
 
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Igor90 said:
…people who experience hurtful words and/or actions from others, their kin included. But dealing with people who by no means hurt you or even want to but still make you literally shake with their silly features, behaviors, idiosyncrasies and basically their views and words you can’t help but find idiotic is another pair of shoes.

I am a short-tempered guy and it’s really easy to get on my nerves. Matter of fact, it’s rather an exception than a rule for me to actually like somebody. On the other hand, though, I do my best to make sure I am not the irritating one.
Click to expand...
I will ’ fess up and say I am naturally short-tempered also and have had anger management issues, which I have had months of therapy for. One thing I learned, and it was hard for me to accept, is that part of that syndrome is it’s very hard to “…make sure I am not the irritating one” as you say. One of the root causes is people with that problem often simply cannot see that they are part of the problem. They have a “blind spot” for that.

So the remedy for that is to discipline yourself not to mentally assign “stupidity” to anyone, period. There is a non-religious Asian parable that helps me with this. A fisherman is in his boat on a river and another boat is coming right at him. He starts yelling at the other boat to steer clear, but it keeps on coming. He gets angry and starts yelling insults about the stupidity of the other boatman. Finally the boats collide and he screams profanities at the other boatman. Then he finds out there is no other boatman. The boat is empty and it had just slipped its mooring. He was being angry at no one.

You can see any person like that. If they do something that might upset you, think of them as that empty boat. Their words or behavior are caused by some emptiness inside them. The current of life has just caused them to crash into you, but you should feel genuine empathy for them because they could not do otherwise. Reflect on the fact that you have an emptiness too, the short-temperedness that causes you to crash into them for just being what they are and where they are.

We have a pastor from Ghana, who is a really amazing priest. He gives the greatest sermons. He said that you must forgive everyone. If you don’t forgive, you do not deserve God’s forgiveness. He said if you do not forgive, you are bearing false witness when you say the Our Father. “…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
 
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People, I want to truly thank you for all your feedback and help. Your answers are really helpful as I’ve got some starting points to think about and work on now. I’ll sure try all of your hints. Have a blessed Christmas and once again - thank you all. 🙂
 
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