How do I forgive?

[NessFrancis]

I hope this is the right forum to ask this question. My question stems from my past. I had this friend who was pretty ruthless and evil. She never showed any sign of guilt for her spreading rumors and making my life a living hell for years. We grew up in a small town where everyone pretty much knew each other. I stopped hanging out once 5th grade started, but wasn’t until we got in junior high she started putting people against me. I stopped hanging out with her for all the drama and games she played while we were friends. Anyways, all of this went on for the next 5 years, up until our sophmore year in high school was the last time I remember her trying to start more drama. And now, 10 years later, I realize that I never forgave her. Worst, I still have hatred for her. I am not sure I hate anything, but I hate her for all that she did. How do I turn this around? Does anyone have any advice on how I can change my way of looking at her in order to forgive her? I think I’ve been able to forgive everyone else who has ever hurt me, but for some reason I don’t know how to do it with her. The thing is, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to forgive her, I just know that I should, therefore, I want to because it is the right thing to do. Also, if I can forgive others who have abused me, why shouldn’t I forgive her? You know?

 

[rinkevichjm]

With mercy…
for which you need Grace…
for which you will need to pray for…
Start saying the rosary,
Go to the the Divine Liturgy of the Holy Eucharist (Mass) everyday,
Go to confession (maybe this should come first).
He forgave you and you sinned infinity against HIm, can you ‘remain joint-natured (RSV:united) with Him’ (Rom 6:5) unless you do likewise?

 

[JRKH]

You have already taken the first and most important step. You will to forgive her even though you have roadblocks to feeling that you have done so.

Let me ask you this. If she were to come to you, apologizing in tears and begging your forgiveness, admitting all of her deceits and the wrongs she had done…would you accept her apology and forgive her?

Peace
James

 

[Matt_Collins]

You say the Lord’s Prayer. And when you get to the part that says “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”, you say instead “forgive me my trespasses as I forgive Suzie”, or whatever her name is. And then you meditate on those words. And when you have forgiven her, you go to confession and confess all your sins, including this one. And all this while you also pray for something good to happen to her.

Just as you learn to swim by swimming, you learn to forgive by forgiving.

 

[Francie3]

Yes, you have taken the first step by acknowledging that this girl treated you unjustly.
To hide such a fact from oneself can cause harm to mental and psychological health.
She did injure your happiness and your reputation.
She put a shadow over your teen years.

You can say to God, “I find it hard to forgive her, please put the grace of forgiveness in me even if I don’t feel it”.
And remember that Jesus said, “pray for your enemies” which is itself a humble act of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an act of will, where the feelings don’t necessarily follow.
May God heal you,
and may God forgive and heal her
because what she did to you injured her own spirit,
and her jealousy that made her cruel,
injured her teen years and her best self. It put a shadow over her soul.

 

[Matt_Collins]

Forgiveness is an act of will, where the feelings don’t necessarily follow.

Excellent point. It would be nice if the feelings followed the will, but they often (usually?) don’t. After a period of time the sting and bitterness will often fade, and the conscious choice to forgive becomes easier. But that really can only happen if the decision to forgive is made first, even when it’s most difficult.

 

[NessFrancis]

I thank you all for your wonderful replies. They will be a great help to me. God Bless.