How do I handle a friendship which I no longer want, but which is necessary?

[mommamaree]

I have this friend. We have known each other for several years and I have been repeatedly “jerked around” by her behavior. I do not want to get into specifics here, because that is not why I am starting this thread. But basically, I am learning that she likes to use me, and does not reciprocate in our friendship, unless it suits her for self-aggrandizement. I am probably her closest friend (lucky me ), but most other people who know her have quietly taken me aside at various points and have warned me about her. She does not have many people who do not find her behavior objectionable. I have also had some people admit that at first, they did not want to pursue friendship with me because they knew I was friends with her, and so that scared them away.
Problem is, she offered to be godmother to my toddler as we were entering the Church. Because we literally knew NO ONE who was Catholic, we were so happy to have someone offer. And my baby was born shortly after, so she became godmother to that child as well.
Any advice on how to proceed with withdrawing from a friendship that I no longer want? I have literally never had this kind of thing happen before in friendships. I have grown apart from friends, or moved away and had friendships kind of fizzle a bit, but I have never had a situation where I really really want to “break up” with a friend, but with whom I have already created bonds.

 

[RoseMary131]

I have this friend. … I have grown apart from friends, or moved away and had friendships kind of fizzle a bit, but I have never had a situation where I really really want to “break up” with a friend, but with whom I have already created bonds.

I think it is okay if you don’t have lots of time with a person, even if they are the godparent. Many times busy families find it hard to meet with godparents whom they adore.

So, just let the “friendship” fizzle.

Plus, you can always say “no” to anything the person asks of you. You don’t have to have lots of detail in your “no”… just, “no thank you.”

Its okay not to be in a situation that causes negative feelings for you. This person will always be the godmother to your children, but its okay to let the friendship fizzle. Pray for guidance on how to do so with grace.

 

[mommamaree]

I think it is okay if you don’t have lots of time with a person, even if they are the godparent. Many times busy families find it hard to meet with godparents whom they adore.

So, just let the “friendship” fizzle.

Plus, you can always say “no” to anything the person asks of you. You don’t have to have lots of detail in your “no”… just, “no thank you.”

Its okay not to be in a situation that causes negative feelings for you. This person will always be the godmother to your children, but its okay to let the friendship fizzle. Pray for guidance on how to do so with grace.

Thank you! That helps me a lot. So, I can decline without saying exactly why. that is actually very relevant advice for me currently.

 

[stephe1987]

Option 1: Slowly let the friendship fizzle. Stay busy so there isn’t time to be involved with that person.

Option 2: Everything must be an exchange. If she is using you, every time she asks for something you ask for something in return.

I also think you should try and sit down and talk to her, if possible. Let her know what you think and what others are saying about her (not mentioning their names). Offer to help her grow as a person by letting her know when she is doing something wrong and why it could be seen as bad/offensive by other people. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Or maybe she just doesn’t care and if that’s the case then I’d say mostly ignore her from now on.

Everyone has their flaws and it is hard to talk to people in this age where everyone just wants to be “nice.” But being “nice” has led to generations with many narcissists who don’t ever change or grow as persons because nobody is brave enough to stand up to them. So the “nice” attitude isn’t so nice after all…

 

[lucymeadhbh]

I completely agree! Just let the friendship fizzle, you don’t have to face any massive confrontation. Also I will pray for you, and pray yourself also, that the Good Lord will facilitate her to reveal a more humane and humble side to you and your children.

God Bless,
Meadhbh

 

[Allegra]

If you would be open to the friendship if the person asked less of you, then draw some boundaries and stop letting her use you. If she doesn’t come around any more, your problem is solved. If she stays around and treats you with respect, even better.

 

[mommamaree]

If you would be open to the friendship if the person asked less of you, then draw some boundaries and stop letting her use you. If she doesn’t come around any more, your problem is solved. If she stays around and treats you with respect, even better.

I would be open to friendship if she would stop doing four things:

Gossiping.

Condescending and bossing.

Overpromising and underdelivering.

Ignoring when her kids bully my kids.

She must know that she does these things. Many friendships of hers have fizzled out for these reasons, according to other ex-friends, and according to a her in a couple of rare moments of honesty. I have tried. I really have. People have been astonished at my patience and my love for this woman, and they have warned me not to trust her. I suspect that this is a situation where she knows that she does these things, but can’t help herself, and can’t seem to stop making these same mistakes.

 

[mommamaree]

Maybe I am guilty for giving up on her. Maybe I am not being mature enough. But I need to know, is it ever acceptable to sit a grown woman down, and say to her that her actions are harmful to others and are damaging her friendships. I mean, can friends really do this? Or is this the role of a paid counselour or a spouse?
I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t see a point in continuing with this relationship as it is. It is not functional, and it just makes me angry.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

(…).

I also think you should try and sit down and talk to her, if possible. Let her know what you think and what others are saying about her (not mentioning their names). Offer to help her grow as a person by letting her know when she is doing something wrong and why it could be seen as bad/offensive by other people. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Or maybe she just doesn’t care and if that’s the case then I’d say mostly ignore her from now on.

I would be wary of doing this. I think it would end up being a “kill the messenger” kind of thing. It would take a lot of maturity and humility to listen to these criticisms. I can also see the friend taking this to others and they hear that mommamaree has been telling her what they said. Even if it’s anonymous they might not be certain that it is anonymous and wonder what other tales she’s telling. OTOH maybe mommamaree is exactly the person that this friend would want to hear this from. It would be wonderful if the criticism was accepted in the spirit in which it was offered and both would be willing to help the other. It’s not been my experience that things like this go well.

Everyone has their flaws and it is hard to talk to people in this age where everyone just wants to be “nice.” But being “nice” has led to generations with many narcissists who don’t ever change or grow as persons because nobody is brave enough to stand up to them. So the “nice” attitude isn’t so nice after all…

If you are referring to NPD I have to disagree with the cause and that standing up to them actually works in reality. But I don’t know that you were actually referring to the disorder.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Maybe I am guilty for giving up on her. Maybe I am not being mature enough. But I need to know, is it ever acceptable to sit a grown woman down, and say to her that her actions are harmful to others and are damaging her friendships. I mean, can friends really do this? Or is this the role of a paid counselour or a spouse?
I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t see a point in continuing with this relationship as it is. It is not functional, and it just makes me angry.

How have any other criticisms been received? By other friends, her spouse, anyone? Does she lash out but then seems to consider it, even if she doesn’t acknowledge it, she changes her behavior? Have you ever intervened when her kids bully yours? How did she react? Have you ever kept track of any incidents? I know that sound kind of weird but doing so can help show a pattern and that it’s not you. I’m not asking you to share details; these questions are for your consideration.

I think friends can do this but it’s tricky. It creates a power imbalance or flips one that is already there. Maybe you are immature (I’m not suggesting you are ) but it will take a great deal of maturity and humility on her part to absorb what you are trying to say and not twist it and make it about you. You can’t be mature for the both of you.

I cannot tell you what the right thing to do is in this situation. If you were to say something you just have to be prepared for something you can’t predict. I don’t mean to sound ominous because I don’t think this will make the planet spin off it’s axis but it might feel like it for awhile. If you were to go through with it might be a good idea to let one discreet, trustworthy person in your circle know what you are doing so they can set the record straight if things go wonky.

 

[mommamaree]

How have any other criticisms been received? By other friends, her spouse, anyone? Does she lash out but then seems to consider it, even if she doesn’t acknowledge it, she changes her behavior? Have you ever intervened when her kids bully yours? How did she react? Have you ever kept track of any incidents? I know that sound kind of weird but doing so can help show a pattern and that it’s not you. I’m not asking you to share details; these questions are for your consideration.

I think friends can do this but it’s tricky. It creates a power imbalance or flips one that is already there. Maybe you are immature (I’m not suggesting you are ) but it will take a great deal of maturity and humility on her part to absorb what you are trying to say and not twist it and make it about you. You can’t be mature for the both of you.

I cannot tell you what the right thing to do is in this situation. If you were to say something you just have to be prepared for something you can’t predict. I don’t mean to sound ominous because I don’t think this will make the planet spin off it’s axis but it might feel like it for awhile. If you were to go through with it might be a good idea to let one discreet, trustworthy person in your circle know what you are doing so they can set the record straight if things go wonky.

Thank you for your reply. This is really helping me think about this. I am talking about this with my husband, too. There are a lot of red flags with this friend, and after a lifetime of being the target of a sociopath, I am weary and feeling very jumpy. Especially when I notice eerily similar patterns in this woman’s behavior.

 

[Allegra]

Maybe I am guilty for giving up on her. Maybe I am not being mature enough. But I need to know, is it ever acceptable to sit a grown woman down, and say to her that her actions are harmful to others and are damaging her friendships. I mean, can friends really do this? Or is this the role of a paid counselour or a spouse?
I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t see a point in continuing with this relationship as it is. It is not functional, and it just makes me angry.

Yes, it is acceptable for a person to set expectations for their friendships and tell their friends that what they are doing is causing a problem for them. You could go about it from the attitude, “I’m not telling you what to do, but I’m telling you what I’m willing to accept in my company.” I’ve had to set boundaries with one of my friends because she would constantly make plans with me and then bail at the last moment. We’re still friends for years since.