How do I handle a miscarriage?

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On July 17, 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was 15 weeks pregnant. However the baby was not fully developed. I believe it never develped past the 4 week stage. I should let you know back then I was not a “good catholic”. After the miscarriage I did not even pray. I feel so hurt and ashamed over the fact that I treated my child so terribly. This was my third pregnancy. My first two were succesful. Now, having a closer relationship with Christ and realizing how precious life is, I cannot stop thinking about the child I lost. I wander if it was a girl or boy. I cry most nights. My husband, or anyone for that matter, knows how I feel. I don’t know what I should do now. I have heard that children that are lost during miscarriage go on to heaven and we will one day meet them (if we get into heaven). Is this true? Is there anything I can do now to right what I have done wrong?
 
You need grief counseling. To still be crying every day over something that happened nearly five years ago is not healthy.

Before anyone jumps on me, I had two miscarriages before my last baby was born. So I know whereof I speak.

You did not do wrong by your baby. You have grieved him or her. You have prayed… perhaps late, but you did it. You have nothing to confess or apologize for.

Please stop letting this define and damage your life and ability to enjoy what you DO have. Go and see a grief counselor… it will probably only take a few sessions to get you on a better path and learn some coping tools that can help you finally let this wound scab over.
 
Jackie, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage two years ago. I had a very bad depression following it.

Waste no time or energy on guilt. Emotions are not a sin. If you didn’t feel sad at the time, that is not a sin just as it is not a sin to feel your grief now. If you never felt grief, it would not be a sin.

Ask God to reveal the sex of the child to you. Name your baby. I felt that my miscarried child was a girl, but I still chose a neutral name “Grace Joseph.” Pray that your child may be given a baptism of desire. Ask your perfectly sinless baby to pray for you and your dh and your living children.

And, thank God for the gift of being the mother of a saint.

It is perfectly wonderful if you want to make a tangible tribute to your baby. You can make a donation to a child centered charity, a pro-life group. You could plant a tree. It’s not required, of course, but it could be comforting.

Yes, you will get to hold your child one day granted that you do go to Heaven. He or she is resting under the cloak of Mary.

God bless your mother’s heart. Love, Leonie
 
mmc80 said:
On July 17, 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was 15 weeks pregnant. However the baby was not fully developed. I believe it never develped past the 4 week stage. I should let you know back then I was not a “good catholic”. After the miscarriage I did not even pray. I feel so hurt and ashamed over the fact that I treated my child so terribly. This was my third pregnancy. My first two were succesful. Now, having a closer relationship with Christ and realizing how precious life is, I cannot stop thinking about the child I lost. I wander if it was a girl or boy. I cry most nights. My husband, or anyone for that matter, knows how I feel. I don’t know what I should do now. I have heard that children that are lost during miscarriage go on to heaven and we will one day meet them (if we get into heaven). Is this true? Is there anything I can do now to right what I have done wrong?
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I’m so sorry!!! I have never had one, but have had close friends and family that have, so while my insight isn’t from experience, I at least have seen how it can effect families. First of all, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You didn’t cause your miscarriage, and you didn’t want it, it just happened. The fact that you’re not grieving until now has nothing to do with if or how much you loved your baby! Sometimes grief is so deep people don’t really experience it until God helps them let it out, which is what He’s doing now for you. Plus, I think miscarriages are such a special kind of grief, b/c the baby is there and real, but no one could hold it or touch it. It’s hard to face a reality of a death period. But you didn’t do anything wrong!!! Your baby is so loved by Jesus, and has been this whole time!

Talk to your parish priest, see if there are support groups, see if there are women that have been through what you have. I’m sure there will be some on this board as well that will give you much greater advice than me. I just wanted to write b/c I was moved by what you said. I’m sad that you’re dealing with this guilt on top of your grief, and I hope you won’t have to for long. The one thing I can think of to tell you for sure is to say the Rosary, or a decade, when you have time. It focuses on Jesus’ life, and all His joys and griefs, and His love for us. It’s always been one of my greatest helps, and can be done at any time.
 
:hug1: I’m sorry for your loss. I think that you are grieving now, because you didn’t grieve then. Perhaps you were in shock when it happened.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Please have faith in God that your baby is with Him.
 
I’m sorry for your loss. It is never too late to begin to grieve. There is nothing you have done wrong about the miscarriage itself. You may feel comfort in going to Confession. If there were things that made you “not a good Catholic” maybe you need to confess these things. The priest can give you guidance and comfort. It is so easy to feel like God has abandoned you after a loss of a child. Confess these feelings of lack of trust in God, anger at him, etc, if this fits.

On the parenting forum there is a sticky thread called Mommies of Little Saints. Come join us there.

There are many things you can do to commemmorate your child. Name him/her. Become active in National Rememberance Day on October 15. Plant a tree, become active in prolife causes. Online support groups through www.nationalshareoffice.com
A mommy’s ring or necklace with the birthstones of all 3 of your children. (either the month of the miscarriage or the month of your due date)

Grief is normal. My son died the day he was born 16 years ago. I still cry. Not every day, but neither is he forgotten. If you didn’t grieve at the time, it has to come sooner or later.

You will be in my prayers.
 
Believe it or not there is a post partum blessing in the Ritual specifically for a woman whose child was lost. This covers miscarriages, still births, etc. Go to the pastor and ask for the blessing.
The Jewel is right about grief counseling. Good woman, that. See if you can get a therapist to talk to. You would be surprised at how therapy can help heal the wound of losing a child.

Matthew
 
I understand how hard it is. I lost my third child in December , 7 weeks into my pregnancy. the link someone posted above is a wonderful place to visit. The people on the message boards there are wonderful. 🙂
 
Jackie, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and your suffering. I recently lost my first and only baby (on December 3rd) and I can somewhat imagine how you must feel. I still get very emotional.

Know that there is nothing wrong with you and yes, you will meet up with your baby if you go to Heaven. They are waiting anxiously for us, their mommies.

As Arlene said, it’s never too late to grieve. Grief is hard on your own. Please go to the site Arlene mentioned and please, join us at the Parenting Forum. There is a sticky thread (on the top of the page) called Mommies of Little Saints. There are many women on there who can help you with your grief.

I also put a thread around the holidays about how to deal with a miscarriage during the holidays. I received excellent support and advice. Please, if you have a chance, take a look at it: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=203503

You wouldn’t believe how much the women here on these forums have helped me heal. And as drafdog said, go to a priest. There is a special blessing for us mommies and daddies but I never go it. But you wouldn’t even imagine how much healing I got after speaking to my pastor.

My prayers are with you. If you need to talk, my PM is always open.
 
MMC… I am truly sorry for your loss!!! Trust me, you have to trust that God is taking care of that baby now. I have lost more than I have had live now and yes it hurts but I know they are in heaven and are happy. Please get grief counselling and don’t blame yourself. There is very little you can do to lose a child that early. I know with my first loss I had a terrible time with the what if’s… what if I had done this or hadn’t done that… it doesn’t get you anywhere!

You never forget the child and nobody here is telling you to… I can still tell you the due dates and the day I lost each of my little saints… and the first loss was over 18 yrs ago… the last was a few weeks ago… One of the things that helped me is to send my little saint a birthday card on her first birthday… I poured my heart out in the card saying all the things I had bottled up inside me for over a year. Then I addressed it to her on the envelope and after a while I put it away in case i ever wanted to read it again. It may help you to do something like that if you feel there is much you have yet to say… anyway, it is just a suggestion.
 
Peace to you… I’m so sorry for your loss. Having suffered a miscarriage myself, I know your pain.
I agree with the others… sounds like it’s delayed grief. Seek good counseling, maybe make an appointment with your priest…
You haven’t done anything wrong… be at peace and have faith that your precious little one is with Christ…
(((HUGS)))
 
P.S. Possibly part of the reason you didn’t grieve then was that you felt like you weren’t allowed? People say such insensitive things after miscarriages. I don’t think most of them mean to be hurtful, but they honestly don’t know what to say, and I think they don’t think about what crosses their lips.

Things like “you can have another baby” disrespect the humanity of your baby, as we are all individuals created in God’s image. Things like “these thing happen for a reason” can be equally devastating. We start wondering… did we cause it? Did we hurt the baby? Is God punishing me for something? (After my second, I really wondered about this. I wondered if my womb would ever be a place to nurture life ever again, or would my reproductive capacity be forever defined by death? That thought brought me so much pain…) The worst one I got personally was from DH’s mother, normally a nice woman, who said, “You know, you didn’t really need another baby!” (We had 4 at that point…)

The fact that our culture does not value the pre-born wholesale is another issue that contributes. If we don’t consider them people, then how do we react to their deaths? I think it really confuses some people.

This can result in a prenatally bereaved mother feeling like she shouldn’t grieve, and denying herself permission to do so. Which can mean than a few years later, she ends up like you, wondering why she can’t get over it.

This is just for perspective. Please do go see a grief counselor. I am sure it will help.

Prayers… Holy Mother, be with this mother and all women who have lost children. It matters not when they die, we love them and grieve them. As You found the strength to live through Your Son’s passion and crucifixion, please ask Jesus to grant us the strength to get through each day. Amen.
 
I am so sorry for the death of your baby! You are in my prayers. I also have buried two babies. It is normal for you to wonder if you did everything the right way during the death of a loved one. I am sure you did the best you could with the information you had. God doesn’t hold us accountable for things outside of our control. I believe that my babies are in heaven and are therefor my little Saints who pray for me always. I often ask them to join me when I pray. I constantly ask them to help me raise their brother and sisters. I knew that one baby was a girl and the other was a boy and we named them both. My son was very young and we thought we weren’t going to be able to tell, so before he was born, we decided to call him Joseph Marie. We have had Masses said for both babies. One thing that really brings me comfort is just knowing that during the Mass I am celebrating it with my babies. It is the one hour every week that I get my whole family together with me. How wonderful it is to sing “Holy Holy” with all the choirs of angels and saints when you know your child is among the saints!

My daughter was born on Mother’s Day and it gave me great comfort to give her to the Blessed Virgin on that day. Mary loves your child even more than you do. I pictured her holding that baby as I would. God gave each of us life for a very special reason. He chose the exact time we would be concieved for the salvation of the whole world. Your child helped in the salvation of the whole world before even taking one breath. You are a special Momma and you are very much loved. God gave you even more of a reason to want to reach for heaven. Your baby will be waiting to come running to you. God bless you!
 
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