How do I help my sister respect herself?

[Steph700]

I am very concerned about my little sister, age 20. Just last night she told me that she and her (now ex-) boyfriend had been sexually active for the past 2 years. When she told me this I was totally shocked, disappointed in her, and heartbroken.

We were raised in a conservative evangelical Christian family and we were taught from a very young age that sex outside of marriage is not acceptable. While she says that she now regrets having done this with her boyfriend, my intuition also tells me that she doesn’t see it as serious a sin as I do. She is now seeing a new guy and I am concerned that she will head down the wrong path with him as well.

Looking back now, I can see a direct relationship between the time she started having sex with her boyfriend and at the same time she started to dress… hmm, how do I put this… perhaps not as modestly as she could. This is an issue that has often come up between herself and my parents (and big sister too, as I often tell her to put on more clothes!) and I can see that this is probably an outward way of showing that she disrespects herself and the body that God gave her.

Now she will never have the gift of her virginity to give a future husband, and that grieves me more than anything. I know that people make mistakes, but regardless this feels somewhat tragic to me.

My question is, how do I show her that I love her unconditionally but still stand up to the fact that sexual sin is serious sin? How can I help her learn to value herself and see herself the way the Lord sees her? And how do I encourage her to wait for marriage now that the “floodgates” have been opened and sexual promiscuity is harder for her to resist? She is the most wonderful girl.

 

[rayne89]

I this point in her life badgering her will only make her tell you less if anything about her personal life. She is 20 and there is little you can do about her own choices except to be there for her when she needs you and pray for her. When I was 17 I started having sex with my boyfriend -the idea that I would do that in my parents mind simply didn’t exist. I didn’t do it because I was pressured or felt I had to infact whenever I said we had gone far enough he would stop instantly. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of anything someone could have said at that point in my life that would have changed that for me and I can’t really, I was very strong headed.

Has you sister heard Jason Everet, I’ve heard he’s very good with teens/young adults?

Lucky for me I married my boyfriend but I know it usually doesn’t turn out that way. I was young (almost 19) and I’m sure it never occured to my mom that I wasn’t a virgin when I walked down the aisle. I took the long road but I found my way back to to Christ and His church.

Show gentle concern and pray, I’m not sure you can do much else.

 

[Cupofkindness]

To answer your question: by being a true, loving, and non-judgemental friend. It sounds like that’s what she needs the most.

 

[LSK]

Prayer is essential, but sometimes education (or re-education) can help too.

There are some good books, pamphlets and audio series here at Catholic Answers that deal with the challenge of dating, sex and chastity.

shop.catholic.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/p-CB270.html?L+scstore+gzmx9808ff374e37+1132183554

You might want to check out what is available and see if there is anything you might be able to purchase and give to your sister to help her with this challenge.

My prayers are with you!

 

[Robaynne]

I have been sitting here trying to think how to reply. Your sister confided in you she does not need you to judge her just be her sister and support her and love her. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions you can advice her but you cannot tell her how to live her life. She needs to make her own decisions, pray about it and ask God for guidance. There is also other things to consider and you need to maybe be cautious about her you approach the subject. Number 1 young girls should not be sleeping around especially with HIV and AIDS to consider but sex is for married people that is what my mother always taught me. My mother was a very devoted Catholic and she had beliefs. Support your sister that is the most important thing guide her in the right direction don’t put pressure just take it one step at a time. Life today is very different to 10 years ago today kids do not care about saving yourself for marriage which is wrong but it is their lives and their decisions to make.

 

[Island_Oak]

I would avoid chastizing and work on building her up. Praise her accomplishments and strengths, remark on her potential, encourage her to never sell herself short–remind her how much she has been gifted by God and how special and treasured she is. Someone with self-confidence, self respect and a strong sense of her own priorities and values will not be compromised by the wishes, desires or demands of the boyfriend du jour. If she is encouraged and affirmed by her family, she will not need to use her body and sexuality to get this kind of attention from a man.