How do I keep everyone happy?

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darkangel123

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Long story short, I am from India and families play a very important role here. My parents did not consent to get me married to my boyfriend because they only believe in arranged marriages. Now my dad is kind of alright with the relationship but he has told that he will be okay only if my boyfriend moves to my city. (We live 300 miles apart). My boyfriend on the other hand, does not want to move here. I am okay with being at any place. I tried convincing my dad but it proved futile, I then spoke to my boyfriend and he agreed to this : Spend the first year of marriage in his city, the next 2-3 years in mine and then move back to his city permanently.
My dad is dead against this and I find myself torn between the two most important people in my life. It is true that my place has more opportunities and my dad wants me to take over the family business but my boyfriend is completely against this.
This is straining my relationship with my dad and my boyfriend and I do not know how to settle this amicably. I suggested to my boyfriend that we spend the first two years at my place and then move to his place permanently but he is not listening to that either. Please help.
 
I am sorry that your father is putting pressure on you to live in your city.

But when you decide to marry someone, you are forming a new family. You and your husband will need to decide together what is best for your new family.

Only you can decide whether you want to marry and start your new life, or not marry and live by your father’s desires. It does not look like either man in your life is considering what you would like, but only what they want.

What do you want?
 
Indeed. If your father is Catholic he should understand and be familiar with the idea that women and men leave their homes and create a new life as one body.
They respect their parents, but they move on.
Ask your priest to speak with your father with you present, stressing how much you love him, but you’ve decided to marry.
 
darkangel123 said:
It is true that my place has more opportunities and my dad wants me to take over the family business but my boyfriend is completely against this.
This is straining my relationship with my dad and my boyfriend and I do not know how to settle this amicably. I suggested to my boyfriend that we spend the first two years at my place and then move to his place permanently but he is not listening to that either. Please help.
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I agree with the other posts here. But I want to approach this by taking your Father out of this for a minute. Why is you boyfriend against living in a place that has more opportunities and will provide a better life for any children you might have? I don’t want to jump to any conclusions without knowing more but you say “he is not listening to that either”. I realize we are living in different cultures but my wife is my equal partner and I am pretty certain she would not say “he is not listening to that either” without knowing a reason why I am not agreeing with what she is asking.
 
That’s an excellent point.
Perhaps the parents are unbending. 🤷
However, all the more reason to have a discussion with ALL of your present.
OP: It’s not up to you to be a go-between.
This is a decision between you and your fiancé. Of course you should take your family’s thoughts into account, but really, a calm discussion needs to take place. Soon.
 
So what is it that YOU want to do?

Do you want to take over the family business or not? If you do, then you should be looking to marry someone who shares that vision of family life, living in your current city and working together with your family, building the business, and establishing roots and skills that will make taking over the business successful. Also establishing the legal paperwork to create the transfer of the business to you over time. If your boyfriend isn’t interested in moving permanently to your city, it doesn’t sound like he’s a good match for you if you want to take over the business. (Assuming that your father is serious and not just saying that to keep you there).

Or, are you not interested in taking over the family business? If not, you need to tell your parents this, and not because you have a boyfriend that lives elsewhere but because you really don’t want to take over the business. If you don’t want to take over the business, then you are more free to determine where you want to live and what you want to do for your own career and what sort of career your future husband has.

Your father has expectations, your boyfriend has expectations, but what is it that YOU want to do? Not based on what your father wants, or what your boyfriend wants?

You are trying to please both, but you seem uninterested in pleasing yourself.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am sorry that your father is putting pressure on you to live in your city.

But when you decide to marry someone, you are forming a new family. You and your husband will need to decide together what is best for your new family.

Only you can decide whether you want to marry and start your new life, or not marry and live by your father’s desires. It does not look like either man in your life is considering what you would like, but only what they want.

What do you want?
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Right.

And do you actually want to take over the business?
 
1ke said:
So what is it that YOU want to do?

Do you want to take over the family business or not? If you do, then you should be looking to marry someone who shares that vision of family life, living in your current city and working together with your family, building the business, and establishing roots and skills that will make taking over the business successful. Also establishing the legal paperwork to create the transfer of the business to you over time. If your boyfriend isn’t interested in moving permanently to your city, it doesn’t sound like he’s a good match for you if you want to take over the business. (Assuming that your father is serious and not just saying that to keep you there).

Or, are you not interested in taking over the family business? If not, you need to tell your parents this, and not because you have a boyfriend that lives elsewhere but because you really don’t want to take over the business. If you don’t want to take over the business, then you are more free to determine where you want to live and what you want to do for your own career and what sort of career your future husband has.

Your father has expectations, your boyfriend has expectations, but what is it that YOU want to do? Not based on what your father wants, or what your boyfriend wants?

You are trying to please both, but you seem uninterested in pleasing yourself.
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Boyfriend aside, could you be happy living in your boyfriend’s area?

Also, I would encourage you and your boyfriend to spend a substantial amount of time living within the same area before setting a date to get married. Ideally, you’d be seeing each other at least once a week and doing normal things together so you can have some sort of idea of what being married to each other will mean. Seeing each other infrequently and only doing vacation type things together will not give you a good picture of life together.
 
darkangel123 said:
Long story short, I am from India and families play a very important role here. My parents did not consent to get me married to my boyfriend because they only believe in arranged marriages. Now my dad is kind of alright with the relationship but he has told that he will be okay only if my boyfriend moves to my city. (We live 300 miles apart). My boyfriend on the other hand, does not want to move here. I am okay with being at any place. I tried convincing my dad but it proved futile, I then spoke to my boyfriend and he agreed to this : Spend the first year of marriage in his city, the next 2-3 years in mine and then move back to his city permanently.
My dad is dead against this and I find myself torn between the two most important people in my life. It is true that my place has more opportunities and my dad wants me to take over the family business but my boyfriend is completely against this.
This is straining my relationship with my dad and my boyfriend and I do not know how to settle this amicably. I suggested to my boyfriend that we spend the first two years at my place and then move to his place permanently but he is not listening to that either. Please help.
Click to expand...
Sorry to hear about your dilemma… I’m of Indian origin as well. By chance are you a Syro-Malankara or Malabar Catholic? And your boyfriend?

Religiously, there is nothing wrong with your or your boyfriend’s decision. Culturally, as Indians, going against your parents on marriage, living location, business, as well as future plans is really tough. The truth is, you and your spouse have to make the decision. However, do you think there will be permanent animosity with your parents for the moving decision? Also, is your father more upset about your marriage not being arranged, and dismissing everything because of that? Why is your boyfriend against moving near your parents for a while? Do you have siblings? What about your future in-laws?
 
Hi, praying for you. I just hope you are not planning to marry a man who is controlling your entire life. You need to find out why he doesn’t want to live in your city.
 
You’ve already married him, right? If so, God has joined the 2 of you… you are one. You have to do what feels right for the both of you. Assuming your father is catholic too, he must understand that once his daughter is joined in marriage to someone that he is no longer responsible, or allowed to dictate your every move.

My advice, while it’s important to respect and honour your parents, you are a grown woman now. You are married and that covenant has to come first. Explain to your father that you love him, and that you want him to be a part if your life- but that you have made a sacred promise to God to honour your husband… and you need to make that your first priority.

Just as you said, your father didn’t approve of you marrying him but he has come around at least a little bit to accept it. In my mind, he obviously loves you very much and isn’t ready to lose his little girl. Do what you feel is right and keep praying for your family. God will see to it that everything works out in the end… He always does!
 
Your father sounds reasonable. Your boyfriend’s plan sounds manipulative and not very well thought out. Respect your father and don’t burn that bridge.

Best wishes to you.
 
pianistclare said:
They are not married yet.
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My bad- part if her sentence was past tense so I assumed they had gotten married. In that case:

Take some time and figure that out BEFORE you get married. If your BF really cares, he’ll realize that he too- has to bend. He can’t just make the decision on where you are to live on his own. If he care about you- he’ll understand and respect that you want to also please your father. Your parent’s point of view is perhaps way more old fashioned than you would like- but this is what he understands. This is his way of protecting his little girl.

Men need to “man up” before comitting to marriage. A big part of it is not only getting the girl, but it’s winning over the father. He needs to show your father that he loves you- and i’m sure your father feels he isn’t the right fit for you right now because he is not willing to bend. Nobody wants to see their kids in a relationship with someone that doesn’t take their wishes seriously.

You’re lucky- your dad clearly loves you and is still looking after you:)
 
1ke said:
So what is it that YOU want to do?

Do you want to take over the family business or not? If you do, then you should be looking to marry someone who shares that vision of family life, living in your current city and working together with your family, building the business, and establishing roots and skills that will make taking over the business successful. Also establishing the legal paperwork to create the transfer of the business to you over time. If your boyfriend isn’t interested in moving permanently to your city, it doesn’t sound like he’s a good match for you if you want to take over the business. (Assuming that your father is serious and not just saying that to keep you there).

Or, are you not interested in taking over the family business? If not, you need to tell your parents this, and not because you have a boyfriend that lives elsewhere but because you really don’t want to take over the business. If you don’t want to take over the business, then you are more free to determine where you want to live and what you want to do for your own career and what sort of career your future husband has.

Your father has expectations, your boyfriend has expectations, but what is it that YOU want to do? Not based on what your father wants, or what your boyfriend wants?

You are trying to please both, but you seem uninterested in pleasing yourself.
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Agree with this. You need to pray and meditate over this, consider you priorities and what you’ll think about your decision in 70 years. At some decision points, its useful to think about ourselves in the future and wonder what we’d think about our decision. Will there be regrets in not having done a particular thing.

More importantly, to answer your question “How do I keep everyone happy?”

You don’t. It’s not your responsibility to keep others happy, and in fact is impossible. You have no control over their emotions, and more importantly others can be quite unreasonable and selfish in terms of what makes them happy. What makes them happy may not be what’s best for you. If you make a logical, reasoned decision about your life and it makes someone else unhappy, that’s on them not you.

They need to deal with their emotions, just like you need to deal with yours. Listen to their opinions and consider them, treat them respectfully, but don’t make other people’s happiness the controlling factor in the decisions you make.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Agree with this. You need to pray and meditate over this, consider you priorities and what you’ll think about your decision in 70 years. At some decision points, its useful to think about ourselves in the future and wonder what we’d think about our decision. Will there be regrets in not having done a particular thing.

More importantly, to answer your question “How do I keep everyone happy?”

You don’t. It’s not your responsibility to keep others happy, and in fact is impossible. You have no control over their emotions, and more importantly others can be quite unreasonable and selfish in terms of what makes them happy. What makes them happy may not be what’s best for you. If you make a logical, reasoned decision about your life and it makes someone else unhappy, that’s on them not you.

They need to deal with their emotions, just like you need to deal with yours. Listen to their opinions and consider them, treat them respectfully, but don’t make other people’s happiness the controlling factor in the decisions you make.
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👍

It’s your life. You have to decide for yourself what you want, and you have to be able to live with the decisions you make. Whatever you decide, decide it for you. If you don’t you could be living with a lot of resentment which will damage your relationships.

Lou
 
darkangel123 said:
Long story short, I am from India and families play a very important role here. My parents did not consent to get me married to my boyfriend because they only believe in arranged marriages. Now my dad is kind of alright with the relationship but he has told that he will be okay only if my boyfriend moves to my city. (We live 300 miles apart). My boyfriend on the other hand, does not want to move here. I am okay with being at any place. I tried convincing my dad but it proved futile, I then spoke to my boyfriend and he agreed to this : Spend the first year of marriage in his city, the next 2-3 years in mine and then move back to his city permanently.
My dad is dead against this and I find myself torn between the two most important people in my life. It is true that my place has more opportunities and my dad wants me to take over the family business but my boyfriend is completely against this.
This is straining my relationship with my dad and my boyfriend and I do not know how to settle this amicably. I suggested to my boyfriend that we spend the first two years at my place and then move to his place permanently but he is not listening to that either. Please help.
Click to expand...
Does your boyfriend have a job that will be able to support you and any potential children with where he is at? I’m confused since you have said that he is willing to make you move to his city, then he’ll move to your city for only a few years (what would be the point of this???) and then you’ll have to move back.

Does his current work allow for this kind of moving about? What would be the point or benefit of this? Why would he make you move to his city and then move back for a few years, only to make you move again?

Obviously you know your boyfriend, and I don’t want to place unfair judgement on him, but without further detail, I’m worried he’s telling you he’ll move in a years time to your city and then might find an excuse not to do it.

I think you need to figure out what his reasoning is, and make sure you are planning for a stable future. Well as stable as any of us can “plan” for…
 
Thank you all for your help. In my culture it is the norm for girls to move to the guy’s place after marriage. If it is the other way round, then there is scope for gossip. My boyfriend says he does not want to move to my place immediately after marriage because then it will look like he is moving to my place to live with me and my family. That’s why he says that he wants to be with his family for a few months (we spoke about this yesterday and he reduced the 1 year to 6 months) before moving here. He agreed to move here only to please my father and me because he has no interest to move to my city.
About what I want, I guess I’m not really sure about that. Do I want to take over my dad’s firm? I’m not sure about that either. It’s true that my parents are forcing me to take over the business and this has always resulted in some animosity on my part. On some level, I feel that taking over the business gives me financial stability and I can please my parents but that’s not what I really want to do. If I can have a comfortable life doing something else, I’m totally ok with it.
 
darkangel123 said:
Thank you all for your help. In my culture it is the norm for girls to move to the guy’s place after marriage. If it is the other way round, then there is scope for gossip. My boyfriend says he does not want to move to my place immediately after marriage because then it will look like he is moving to my place to live with me and my family. That’s why he says that he wants to be with his family for a few months (we spoke about this yesterday and he reduced the 1 year to 6 months) before moving here. He agreed to move here only to please my father and me because he has no interest to move to my city.
About what I want, I guess I’m not really sure about that. Do I want to take over my dad’s firm? I’m not sure about that either. It’s true that my parents are forcing me to take over the business and this has always resulted in some animosity on my part. On some level, I feel that taking over the business gives me financial stability and I can please my parents but that’s not what I really want to do. If I can have a comfortable life doing something else, I’m totally ok with it.
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If you don’t go into the family business, what is your boyfriend’s plan for supporting your future family?
 
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