How do I keep myself sane with my family?

[gardenswithkids]

…But the big issue for me is that my mother is increasingly turning to me for sympathy and comfort. It’s getting very overwhelming for me, and she hasn’t responded very well to requests from me to limit the amount that gets dumped on my shoulders. It’s also hard because she wants a sympathetic ear while she rants about how she’s been wronged, and I don’t always feel like what she says is entirely accurate (for example, I think she has a bad case of “what he said vs. what she meant”), but I also don’t feel that it’s productive for me to disagree with her.

How do I keep myself sane and able to get my own work done in this situation? Keep in mind I don’t have a car, so any trip outside the house is going to be about an hour each way.

Maybe it would help to set up a regularly scheduled time once a week when you and your mother can go out for lunch or tea to talk, just the two of you. You could let her vent then and between those times you could say things like, “I look forward to being about to talk with you more about this at our weekly coffee.” Then give her a hug. :console: Physical touch her in a gentle and consoling way. It may help her calm down, plus, you being hugged by your mom when you are feeling stressed may help you feel better too.

It sounds like she getting into some unhealthy patterns of venting and ranting to you. Don’t argue, but try to redirect her thoughts to something healthier than your father’s mental illness.

Redirect your own thoughts away from the troubles in your life and at home. Read interesting books. Take walks. If your parents have a yard, ask if you can help weed and water the gardens. Cut some flowers or buy inexpensive flowers for inside the home to make your home look more cheerful, (and replace them when they die.) Instead of ear buds, see if you can find some relaxing instrumental music that both parents and you enjoy, then play background music in the house when you’re home. Wash the dishes. Smile and laugh. Help do whatever you can do to make home life in general more pleasant.

 

[Faxero]

The virtue of meekness entails being at peace with those around us. If we develop meekness, we may find ourselves unaffected by the negativity of others.

At least not as often.

 

[MSSheBear]

Dark light could possibly say she has no advice to give her mother and say she can just listen as she gets ready for work but she has to get ready for work. If I want to tune somebody out (such as my mother) I will play a computer game such as Minecraft and go uh-huh and nod my head.

I am praying that you find a better place to live.

 

[Viki63]

It sounds as if you would benefit by being more assertive.
Getting ready for work is a perfect excuse to be unable to listen.
You just say, “I can’t talk right now, I’m getting ready for work,” and go on doing so.

Your mother sounds as if she may have some mental health issues also, if she can’t realize that sometimes people can’t stop and pay attention. Essential tasks, such as preparing for work, must be done, People have to sleep, eat, and have some time to themselves.

You deserve some peace in your home. But it sounds as if you will have to create it for yourself. Saying “she expects me to take them off – the headphones – and listen” indicates that you think you must do whatever she demands. But you’re an adult.
I hope you will be able to enforce some boundaries with love.
Perhaps get a lock for your door. You could install a simple latch by yourself.

.

 

[gardenswithkids]

It sounds as if you would benefit by being more assertive.
Getting ready for work is a perfect excuse to be unable to listen.
You just say, “I can’t talk right now, I’m getting ready for work,” and go on doing so.

Your mother sounds as if she may have some mental health issues also, if she can’t realize that sometimes people can’t stop and pay attention. Essential tasks, such as preparing for work, must be done, People have to sleep, eat, and have some time to themselves.

You deserve some peace in your home. But it sounds as if you will have to create it for yourself. **Saying “she expects me to take them off – the headphones – and listen” indicates that you think you must do whatever she demands. **But you’re an adult.
I hope you will be able to enforce some boundaries with love.
Perhaps get a lock for your door. You could install a simple latch by yourself.

.

I agree with much of what you wrote, but taking off headphones to hear what someone is trying to say is basic manners.

Regarding the headphones, maybe they are part of the problem. It seems to me that wearing headphones would slowdown and interfere with getting ready for work. I suggest skip the headphones altogether and speed up her routine. Listening to music (or whatever she listens to) gives off the impression she has time to listen to* something *Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi-
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

 

[DarkLight]

I agree with much of what you wrote, but taking off headphones to hear what someone is trying to say is basic manners.

Regarding the headphones, maybe they are part of the problem. It seems to me that wearing headphones would slowdown and interfere with getting ready for work. I suggest skip the headphones altogether and speed up her routine. Listening to music (or whatever she listens to) gives off the impression she has time to listen to* something *Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi-
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Just to point out - I’m not actually wearing headphones while getting ready for work or getting ready for bed. There’s two different lines getting crossed there.

The impression I get is that the situation is constantly on my mother’s mind, and she feels like she can’t ever get away from it. But since it’s constantly on her mind, she wants to keep on talking about it, even if she’s going over and over the same ground. My impression is she’s in the mode (I’ve been there) where she feels like if she goes over it one more time maybe this time there’ll be an answer that didn’t come up the last time.

 

[His_helpmeet]

So I ended up having to move back in with my parents due to job issues and dealing with medical problems. I’m working slowly on moving out, but saving up money and trying to find a job that will support an independent lifestyle while being safe for my health is…challenging.

Anyway, there’s a lot of tension between mom and dad right now. Dad’s been diagnosed both with a serious mental illness and some (related) hormone problems. It’s definitely causing issues at home. That by itself is hard, when it seems like there’s constant arguing and tension in the home. But the big issue for me is that my mother is increasingly turning to me for sympathy and comfort. It’s getting very overwhelming for me, and she hasn’t responded very well to requests from me to limit the amount that gets dumped on my shoulders. It’s also hard because she wants a sympathetic ear while she rants about how she’s been wronged, and I don’t always feel like what she says is entirely accurate (for example, I think she has a bad case of “what he said vs. what she meant”), but I also don’t feel that it’s productive for me to disagree with her.

How do I keep myself sane and able to get my own work done in this situation? Keep in mind I don’t have a car, so any trip outside the house is going to be about an hour each way.

You might suggest that she look for a therapist or a support group for people with mentally ill spouses. If she has difficulty affording a therapist you might encourage her to see if her or your dad’s work offers an employee assistance program, or your local community services organization may have something available.

 

[DarkLight]

You might suggest that she look for a therapist or a support group for people with mentally ill spouses. If she has difficulty affording a therapist you might encourage her to see if her or your dad’s work offers an employee assistance program, or your local community services organization may have something available.

She has a therapist and a support group. It just doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s like this is on her mind all the time. Even when she’s not talking to me I hear her going on talking to herself about it.

I’m honestly starting to feel hunted. We had 30min conversation about it this evening. Then I go to take a shower. Minute I step out she pounces on me with more talk about dad. I go in to brush my teeth - again, the minute I step out of the bathroom she’s got more to say to me. I have to say goodnight like 10 times before she’ll stop talking and let me go to bed (I thought “goodnight” and “I really need to get to bed” were clear enough indications to stop talking).

 

[DarkLight]

It sounds as if you would benefit by being more assertive.
Getting ready for work is a perfect excuse to be unable to listen.
You just say, “I can’t talk right now, I’m getting ready for work,” and go on doing so.

Your mother sounds as if she may have some mental health issues also, if she can’t realize that sometimes people can’t stop and pay attention. Essential tasks, such as preparing for work, must be done, People have to sleep, eat, and have some time to themselves.

You deserve some peace in your home. But it sounds as if you will have to create it for yourself. Saying “she expects me to take them off – the headphones – and listen” indicates that you think you must do whatever she demands. But you’re an adult.
I hope you will be able to enforce some boundaries with love.
Perhaps get a lock for your door. You could install a simple latch by yourself.

.

The trouble with being assertive here is that I’m in a very vulnerable position, because I don’t make enough money to support myself with my medical bills and whatnot. So I can’t be too assertive, because then she goes into “I do all these things for you and you can’t even listen” and kicks me out for the day. I’m worried if I set boundaries I’ll end up setting boundaries right into having to live in a homeless shelter.

 

[Lou2U]

She has a therapist and a support group. It just doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s like this is on her mind all the time. Even when she’s not talking to me I hear her going on talking to herself about it.

I’m honestly starting to feel hunted. We had 30min conversation about it this evening. Then I go to take a shower. Minute I step out she pounces on me with more talk about dad. I go in to brush my teeth - again, the minute I step out of the bathroom she’s got more to say to me. I have to say goodnight like 10 times before she’ll stop talking and let me go to bed (I thought “goodnight” and “I really need to get to bed” were clear enough indications to stop talking).

Have you tried (gently) telling her you are uncomfortable with hearing it? You could suggest that you don’t feel as though you can help, and suggest she increases how often she goes for outside help.

You can be assertive without hurting her feelings. Try initiating the conversation about how you can’t help her instead of her initiating about how she is feeling and then you cutting in. Also, if you can establish this in the morning, it might give you more space later on in the day.

Lou

 

[DarkLight]

Have you tried (gently) telling her you are uncomfortable with hearing it? You could suggest that you don’t feel as though you can help, and suggest she increases how often she goes for outside help.

You can be assertive without hurting her feelings. Try initiating the conversation about how you can’t help her instead of her initiating about how she is feeling and then you cutting in. Also, if you can establish this in the morning, it might give you more space later on in the day.

Lou

Well, a lot of it is that she just wants me to listen and sit with her and I’m not willing to do that for hours a day many days a week. But it seems like if I try to tell her gently - like I’ll say “this is really getting overwhelming for me and I don’t feel like I can handle it”, she’ll just start talking about how it’s overwhelming for her too and it’s so hard on her and basically nothing changes. But if I say directly “I don’t think I can do this” she gets mad at me.

 

[Lou2U]

Well, a lot of it is that she just wants me to listen and sit with her and I’m not willing to do that for hours a day many days a week. But it seems like if I try to tell her gently - like I’ll say “this is really getting overwhelming for me and I don’t feel like I can handle it”, she’ll just start talking about how it’s overwhelming for her too and it’s so hard on her and basically nothing changes. But if I say directly “I don’t think I can do this” she gets mad at me.

She sounds like she’s displacing her anger onto you because it has nowhere else to go. Have you tried saying “I’m sorry, but I really am uncomfortable with talking about this, please can we stop because it doesn’t benefit anyone”, or something like that?

Have you tried talking to her before she brings the subject up to you? That might make her listen to you instead of her feeling like you’re interrupting her.

Lou

 

[heidi_storage]

Looks like you’ve got three unenviable choices:

1. Move out
2. Suck it up
3. Enforce boundaries, at the risk of being tossed out (this is the course I would adopt. If your mom would really throw you out because you won’t listen for hours and hours on end, then you are almost certainly better off elsewhere. It is more likely, though, that she would simply back off after a few days of you shutting her down [courteously] and leaving, if necessary).

I’m sorry; the situation sounds lousy. Whatever you do, stay in prayer and ask God for strength.

 

[Faxero]

The trouble with being assertive here is that I’m in a very vulnerable position, because I don’t make enough money to support myself with my medical bills and whatnot. So I can’t be too assertive, because then she goes into “I do all these things for you and you can’t even listen” and kicks me out for the day. I’m worried if I set boundaries I’ll end up setting boundaries right into having to live in a homeless shelter.

:juggle: Darklight, I’m not sure how relevant these videos would be, but they might give you some ideas on how to handle your Mother.

Stand up for yourself without being a jerk
youtube.com/watch?v=LyBIT0Q7fOc

keynote
Take the person’s aggression in strive; answer their questions at face value. If they continue in their aggression, send a warning shot. If they persist, send an overt warning. If they still persist, leave.

How to influence people with your word choice.
youtube.com/watch?v=dqragS38hCk

keynote
I know what you have and don’t have, and I can help you get what you need. Let’s work together.

 

[EasterJoy]

She has a therapist and a support group. It just doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s like this is on her mind all the time. Even when she’s not talking to me I hear her going on talking to herself about it.

I’m honestly starting to feel hunted. We had 30min conversation about it this evening. Then I go to take a shower. Minute I step out she pounces on me with more talk about dad. I go in to brush my teeth - again, the minute I step out of the bathroom she’s got more to say to me. I have to say goodnight like 10 times before she’ll stop talking and let me go to bed (I thought “goodnight” and “I really need to get to bed” were clear enough indications to stop talking).

Hunt back. “What does your therapist say?” “Well, why don’t you do that?” “Well, if someone goes to school for a dozen years and they can’t help you, what makes you think I can help you?” “Mom, the therapist said to do ‘X.’ Sounds good to me. So do ‘X,’ starting with finding a way to cut it out with perseverating about this 24/7. You are driving me crazy, you are driving yourself crazy, you are going to drive anyone who has to listen to this broken record crazy! Going over and over and over the same thing does nothing good for anyone. Don’t opinion-shop with me, because I’m going to tell you the same thing.”

I would use the word “perseverate” a lot with her. That is what you call it when someone worries an idea to death and just will not drop it. If that is what she wants to do, all you ever say is, “Mom. You. Need. To. Drop. This. This. Obsessing. Is. Bad. For. You. Get a hobby, and we’ll talk about that, great. I’m sure you are lonely and overwhelmed, but good grief, you won’t help anything by beating this to death. I won’t talk about it any more.”

Repeat, repeat, repeat: that is, repeat what the professionals told her and refuse to add on.

So, here is the problem you must keep in mind: Behavior that is occasionally rewarded is the hardest to extinguish. If you give in once in awhile after she tries and tries and tries, you become her slot machine. One more nickel, one more, one more, maybe she “hits the jackpot.” You have to quit spitting out anything at all when she does this obsessing. It is going to feel cold, but tell her and yourself that she needs to cut it out and you will not encourage a bit more of it.

What happens when people think their slot machine is broken? They get frustrated with it, they yell at it. They do that before they finally give up. Expect things will get worse before they get better. Hang in there, stick to your guns. You are not saying you will never talk to her. You are saying you are done with this subject. Be done with it…shove her back to the professionals every time without fail. The gambler will come back to the machine from time to time, but she will mostly give it up eventually.

 

[DarkLight]

Honestly at this point my mother doesn’t seem to be able to talk about anything else. Every single conversation wraps around to stuff about dad within five minutes, even when she says she won’t talk about it, she can’t seem to help it. It’s like it’s the only thing she can even think about lately.