How do I know when I'm lusting?

[Maxirad]

How do I know when I’m lusting? I know this sounds like a silly question, but I guess one can lust even if one is not conscious of any lustful thoughts.

 

[JackVk]

There’s a difference between recognizing a woman’s beauty and lusting after her. It’s not a sin to find women attractive. In fact, it’s a good thing. God made you that way. Lust is when you start to only want a woman so you can use her for your own sexual pleasure. Lust is when you only value her for her body; when you do this, you are thinking of her not as a person, but as an object.

For example, you are NOT lusting when you see her and think, “oh, wow, she’s beautiful”. You ARE lusting when you start to think, “I’d like to do (blank) with her” or “if I could, I would”.

but I guess one can lust even if one is not conscious of any lustful thoughts.

You need to elaborate on this. For you to sin, you must have grave matter, full knowledge, and full consent. If you’re mind starts to go places that are snful, you do not sin unless you welcome those thoughts in. Think of them as flies; they can only bite you if you don’t shoo them away.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

First of all, to clarify, grave matter is only an element required for mortal sin. Venial sin is sin in which there is either no grave matter, or insufficient reflection on the immoral nature of the action, or insufficient consent to the action for it to be a free personal moral choice.

Lust is grave matter though, so we can leave that point to one side.

From a male perspective, I think you know lust when you experience it. Lust doesn’t mean simply finding someone attractive, nor does it necessarily have to involve sexual fantasies (i.e. I’d like to do such and such to her/him). Lust means deriving sexual pleasure from the person in any way, through our eyes, or imaginations, whatever, outside the context of respectful mutual self-giving in marriage. Lust can even happen within marriage, if you look at or touch your spouse just to get selfish pleasure for yourself.

Because it is possible to commit lust so instantaneously, you often commit it before you think about whether it is right or wrong, and/or without making a real personal decision to do it. For this reason it is presumably very frequently a venial sin rather than mortal. But if you have an opportunity to lust, think about it, realize it is wrong, but decide to go ahead and be lustful towards someone anyway, that could well be a mortal sin. I think in practice when lust becomes mortal it usually starts out as an instantaneous venial sin, then you deliberately choose not to stop looking/thinking/doing whatever it is through which you are experiencing this lust.

All this, again, is from the male perspective. I find female sexuality incredibly perplexing, so I can’t comment on that.

 

[coolduude]

There’s a difference between recognizing a woman’s beauty and lusting after her. It’s not a sin to find women attractive. In fact, it’s a good thing. God made you that way. Lust is when you start to only want a woman so you can use her for your own sexual pleasure. Lust is when you only value her for her body; when you do this, you are thinking of her not as a person, but as an object.

For example, you are NOT lusting when you see her and think, “oh, wow, she’s beautiful”. You ARE lusting when you start to think, “I’d like to do (blank) with her” or “if I could, I would”.

but I guess one can lust even if one is not conscious of any lustful thoughts.

Very well put.

I will second Jack’s answer in full. OP: To sin, you must be aware of it. For example, you cannot sin while unconscious or while dreaming. One must choose, with his own free will, to sin, thus one must be conscious of such thoughts in order for an actual sin to be committed.

 

[SamanthaT]

So is it considered a sin to lust after one’s spouse?

 

[Aelred_Minor]

So is it considered a sin to lust after one’s spouse?

Yes, but we have to realize what that means. It would mean using one’s spouse just for one’s own selfish sexual pleasure. Sexual feelings in the context of respectful and generous self-giving in the marital act do not constitute lust. You can think of lust as seeking those feelings anywhere other than in that context.

 

[coolduude]

So is it considered a sin to lust after one’s spouse?

Yes. Though I have seen on these forums that lust for one’s spouse is a venial sin rather than a mortal sin like it is for single folks (and by that I mean everyone who is not married). I don’t know how to verify that claim, though.

 

[SamanthaT]

Sexual feelings in the context of respectful and generous self-giving in the marital act do not constitute lust. .

Thank you for the clarification!! I feel a little silly. I guess I was confused on the definition. It makes sense to me now that it is explained like this

 

[smichhertz]

How do I know when I’m lusting? I know this sounds like a silly question, but I guess one can lust even if one is not conscious of any lustful thoughts.

One cannot unconsciously sin. If you have gotten in the habit of dwelling on lustful thoughts, simply distract yourself the second you become aware of what you are doing. Say a quick Hail Mary for purity. But know that during the time when you were thinking about it without consciously meaning to, it was not a sin.

 

[jdfeeley]

So what about in the case of the following if your dating someone:

        1. You decide to tell your girlfriend she is beautiful and this makes you have  
            happy feelings in your chest but it also causes you to have sexual feelings  
            down below (not erection but feelings). Is enjoying those happy feelings  
            wrong?

        2. For clarification: It is always said that lust is looking at someone **only** 
            for the sake of sexual pleasure type-of-deal. I find it annoying but am willing  
            to deal with the following if its what I am supposed to do: 
                               When you decide to tell your girlfriend that she is beautiful and
                               this makes you happy (like feelings in your chest) AND causes  
                               you to have sexual feelings. Well, do you have to DIVORCE the  
                                two? Like do you have to dismiss the sexual feelings while trying 
                              to enjoy the happy feelings of the beauty or attraction of your  
                               girlfriend? Like if you are not enjoying the sexual feelings
                               ALONE and for them alone, but are trying to enjoy the goodness
                               of the moment **as a whole** without focusing on the sexual     
                               feelings but still having them occur - are you consenting to the 
                               the sexual feelings because you are trying to enjoy the moment as
                               as whole without going through this whole division process? 
                               Like do I need to put the dog on the leash (sexual feelings) and
                               pay attention to it, rather than just let it be and doing its own thing, and enjoy the moment of happy feelings and her? Like if I'm not focusing on it individually, is just letting those feelings go by and not exclusively pursuing them, but still having them happen and enjoying the goodness of that moment even though those feelings are happening - wrong?

I hope this makes sense. I have OCD.

 

[Non_sum_dignus]

The essence of lust is objectification. Lust is not sexual attraction. When you lust, you reduce someone’s humanity to their sexual appeal.