How do I let this go?!?!

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lukefan

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My son who is a senior has been not allowed to attend the Catholic High school that he has gone to for the last 3 years due to grades. He is not a strong student but I feel that the help should have been provided to him. I made a formal complaint to the archdioscese to no avail. He could have worked very hard this summer and got caught up but the school said No!

This is a done deal and he was recently enrolled in the local public school but I can’t get over the hurt. I have been doing well until just recently - invites to various activities for this year with parents whose kids have been going to school with my son since kindergarten, just got an e-mail about the start of school etc…etc…has my blood boiling. We decided to leave our younger son in the Catholic high school and I think this is making things worse.

I know that I am not a pleasant person to be around and it’s going to get worse in the next week or so when school starts. I’ve have prayed on this during my holy hour every week, spoke with our pastor, but still, when something comes up about the school or my son I can feel my blood pressure rising. My son is taking this much better than me!

Any suggestions?
 
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lukefan:
My son who is a senior has been not allowed to attend the Catholic High school that he has gone to for the last 3 years due to grades. That is there right as a Private sch****ool. As sad as it is, they do not need to provide all the extra help that the pulbic schools do. He is not a strong student but I feel that the help should have been provided to him. Did you provide any help for him??? It does not rest all on the school!! I made a formal complaint to the archdioscese to no avail. He could have worked very hard this summer and got caught up but the school said No! He should of been working hard all year not just over the summer, IMO

This is a done deal and he was recently enrolled in the local public school but I can’t get over the hurt. I have been doing well until just recently - invites to various activities for this year with parents whose kids have been going to school with my son since kindergarten, just got an e-mail about the start of school etc…etc…has my blood boiling. We decided to leave our younger son in the Catholic high school and I think this is making things worse.

I know that I am not a pleasant person to be around and it’s going to get worse in the next week or so when school starts. I’ve have prayed on this during my holy hour every week, spoke with our pastor, but still, when something comes up about the school or my son I can feel my blood pressure rising. My son is taking this much better than me! Could it be that he really did not want to be in Catholic school???
Any suggestions?
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My eldest son has been in Catholic School since 4th grade…any time I saw he was having a hard time with a subject like math I went to the teacher and asked for more work and extra help after school etc. I also got him a tutor or helped him when I could. I did not rely on the school to help him 100% I as a parent took responsibilty also for his education!
 
First of all, I’m needing advice on how to get over this. This is a done deal. I will always be hurt by what I feel is a Catholic school turning it’s back on my son. Somehow I don’t think Jesus will turn his back on my son. My son has gifts that just happen not to be in academia. (Art, golf)

The archdioscese took the same opinion as you - that it was obviously a lack of parental support that caused my son to not do well. However, since 1st grade when his learning problems were evident, I have done everything short of going to school with him to help him with his studies. (By the way, I have worked 2 jobs to pay tuition and have 2 other children who also need my precious little time) Unfortunately my son is not a typical student or in “the box”. Those are students who don’t fit into what a traditional student is. They learn differently.

My gripe with the Catholic system is that they don’t do anything to reach these students. Believe me, I have been dealing with this for 12 years! It is interesting that I go to the public school and talking with the counselor for less than an hour, she describes everything that my son didn’t get in Catholic school. In particular, a program for those students who don’t pass the tests to get special ed classes but are not the traditional students. All those students in the “gray area” get a special counselor who gets reports regularly. They keep track of these kids. My response when questioning the counselor at the Catholic high school when my son was having trouble was “all kids who enter the doors of this school can pass, it’s up to them”. Wow, if I approached my job like that I would be fired!

And my son is not the only one in this situation - apparently he will know quite a few people at the new school who were also asked not to be back! What a shame!
 
Hi Lukefan.

I have written to you before, as I am from Kansas City too and attended parochial schools here my whole life. This archdiocese is infamous for doing this.

However, I also am a behavioral therapist with a background in special education. To be honest, the public school system has many more resources than any Catholic school typically will have… I would look upon this final year of my child’s secondary education to be a true prep for college or whatever higher education my son will be pursuing. You mentioned he has a talent for art and golf…there are scholarships available for both, as well as wonderful art institutes, though they usually require extensive portfolios…

Anyway, if your son has been displaying learning issues since 1st grade and has continued to struggle as a poor student for nearly all of his academic career, I would be willing to be he’s been sliding through every single year and may even lack some of the basic foundations. A public school can actually serve his learning needs much, much better than a stubborn Catholic school.

I would make it my goal to be extremely involved in his senior year. Speak to the learning specialists, get to know his teachers, ask his academic counselors what sort of options he should look at for next year. Maybe he should go to a vocational school and get trained in a specific job that will allow him a solid salary but without the academic rigors and stress of college.

I would keep my eye on his future and completely ignore the hurts of his past. If you focus on “if only…” then you will rob him of living in the present and enjoying the now. Senior year is a time to plan for the rest of his life. Encourage him in all he does and perhaps sit down with him before school starts to set some goals between the two of you.

Abby
 
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lukefan:
First of all, I’m needing advice on how to get over this. This is a done deal. I will always be hurt by what I feel is a Catholic school turning it’s back on my son. I dont think they turned their back on him but they where not able to help him…why keep him someplace where he is not learning to **HIS **full potential!!! Somehow I don’t think Jesus will turn his back on my son. My son has gifts that just happen not to be in academia. (Art, golf)

The archdioscese took the same opinion as you - that it was obviously a lack of parental support that caused my son to not do well. However, since 1st grade when his learning problems were evident, I have done everything short of going to school with him to help him with his studies. (By the way, I have worked 2 jobs to pay tuition and have 2 other children who also need my precious little time) Unfortunately my son is not a typical student or in “the box”. Those are students who don’t fit into what a traditional student is. They learn differently.

My gripe with the Catholic system is that they don’t do anything to reach these students. Believe me, I have been dealing with this for 12 years! It is interesting that I go to the public school and talking with the counselor for less than an hour, she describes everything that my son didn’t get in Catholic school. In particular, a program for those students who don’t pass the tests to get special ed classes but are not the traditional students. All those students in the “gray area” get a special counselor who gets reports regularly. They keep track of these kids. My response when questioning the counselor at the Catholic high school when my son was having trouble was “all kids who enter the doors of this school can pass, it’s up to them”. Wow, if I approached my job like that I would be fired! Once again they (Catholic schools) do not have the same funds as a Public schools…they are not able to help all the kids that need the special classes.

And my son is not the only one in this situation - apparently he will know quite a few people at the new school who were also asked not to be back! What a shame! Yes it is a shame…but until the schools** get more $$** this is going to keep going on!
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In my sons elemantary and high school both Catholic schools the only extrahelp they can give is remedial math and english…they just do not have the funds to help the kids that need more help than that…we live in NJ so it seems that this is a problem spread throughout the USA.
 
It seems to me that if the Catholic school doesn’t have the resources to help your son he is better off at a public school. Catholic school isn’t all that necessary for any child just because it is Catholic school. Although the diocese and school could have and should have been more understanding, they are right to tell you they cannot help your son when they obviously can’t. Any school that cannot or will not help a special student is not the place for that child be it parochial or public school.

My brother has 2 sons with MD. The Catholic school didn’t have the resources to take proper care of them but the public school did, so that’s where they put them, with good results. One went on to graduate from St. Thomas University.

Don’t be angry but see this as an opportunity to find real help for your son. Forgive those who were callused or didn’t understand and let your other children enjoy their time at their Catholic school. Just because the one son isn’t going there too does not mean that he is less than they or any other child. And take a cue from your son and let it go, for his sake if for no other reason.
 
I just got back into town today. I have to disagree with some things on this topic. I think that an archdiocese school which is funded by the parishes within the archdiocese should be expected to provide all who wish to be educated in the Catholic school the help they need. Just like no student should be turned away for lack of being able to pay the tuition, a child should not be turned away if he/she is not the traditional student.

Lack of funds? It wouldn’t take much to help some kids. I’m not talking about kids with serious learning disabilities, just kids who learn differently. How about a counselor dedicated to those students? How about an elective class where the kids can go to the class and get help with homework, organization, study skills etc…I’m not talking big stuff here!

By the way, my son did want to stay at his High School. He has went to school in the Catholic school system since Kindergarten. No child wants to go to a completely different school their senior year.

Princess Abby - you know of what I speak! However, you are right, I have to stop living with what if’s. My problem is this overwhelming feeling that if my oldest isn’t “good enough” for the school then why should I pay the school another dime in tuition for my sophomore. With the start of public school next week, I need to make peace with this!
 
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lukefan:
Lack of funds? It wouldn’t take much to help some kids. I’m not talking about kids with serious learning disabilities, just kids who learn differently. How about a counselor dedicated to those students? How about an elective class where the kids can go to the class and get help with homework, organization, study skills etc…I’m not talking big stuff here!

My problem is this overwhelming feeling that if my oldest isn’t “good enough” for the school then why should I pay the school another dime in tuition for my sophomore. With the start of public school next week, I need to make peace with this!
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It isn’t a question of being “good enough”, it’s that the school isn’t able to give him the help he needs. If your school is like my son’s, hiring another counselor or providing another class is totally out of the question, and the teachers’ salaries are already below public school teachers as it is.
My son has a learning disability, and he has to be bussed from his Catholic school to the closest public school every day for remedial math. It’s a good class and free. Public schools have to provide help for everyone (though I guess sometimes they need jumpstarting.)
I know, it feels like a blow in the face. But try to look at it as providing better opportunities for your son. Every time you get angry, pray for the people involved, and Satan will quit harassing you.
God bless you.
 
We would not want to send our children to public school for a lot of reasons. Have you tried going to the public school in your area to see if they offer tutoring, reading/math specialist, etc? As a taxpayer, you should be entitled to any help from the public school that they could give. We got tired of people telling us our oldest child was “missing out” on the gifted class the public school offered because she went to catholic school. We had her tested for the program and she was able to attend that class. We had to drive her back and forth, and she did have to make up the work she missed at her the catholic school, but the class was once a week and part of it was before her catholic school started in the morning. Try approaching the public school with suggestions for what programs they might offer that your son could participate in without leaving his current school. Seems harsh to make your son leave his senior year, but if that happens your son will be fine. You sound like an involved parent who is looking out for your son’s best interest.

FYI- my daughter stopped attending the gifted class-she told us she learned more at her catholic school.
 
He was tested twice by the public schools but didn’t “qualify” for services. Per the public school counselor at his new high school, had he been in public schools he would have received services aimed at kids that are in the “gray area”.

He will start public school in a week. Luckily we have really good public schools in our area - however, the secularism in public schools is the reason why I never sent my kids to them.

When I was driving back into town yesterday I saw an interesting sign in front of a protestant church:

“If you are worrying, you’re not praying - if you’re not praying, you’re worrying” I think the hurt will always be here. I just have to pray for God to give me the strength to move on.
 
great advice given above, as mom and grandma of several children who all attended Catholic schools, and most of whom struggled at various times or all the time, I throw in my 2 cents. This student’s performance, grades and learning problems did not arise suddenly in 11th grade and result in expulsion, and that expulsion was not the first warning that there were problems. Also, I sense there is a lot more to the story, as poster does not exactly state academic performance and achievement was the reason.

By the way, down here where student scores on state tests is a measure of everything from teacher performance and pay to school funding, the pressure for good scores is so intense that public school districts make a game of shuffling kids from campus to campus and district to district, and expulsion, suspension or anything that can remove a poorly performing student from the database.

The parochial school cannot provide services that public school does because of arcane laws about federal and state money funding private religious education. that giving a child speech therapy, tutoring, diagnostic tests etc. has absolutely nothing to do with promoting religion and everything to do with academics and the child’s welfare (not to mention federally protected rights).

the bottom line is your child has the right to all these services, but you are not going to get them at Catholic school unless yours is one of the very few who have contracted with private providers. The reason is Catholics do not support their schools financially, so they can barely pay the classroom teachers adequately, let alone provide extra services. To get what your child needs you have to fight, as we did for 12 years, and when you do, they will not be provided in the church-owned facility, but in the nearest public school, in a portable classroom parked across the street, or some other lame arrangement.
 
lukefan–When God closes a door, he opens another door. Focus on the open door. And remember that your children observe how you respond to the trials in your life. As hard as it is, swallow hard and act like this is a blessing from God for your son to get the help that he can and for him to get back on track. God bless.
 
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Viki59:
It isn’t a question of being “good enough”, it’s that the school isn’t able to give him the help he needs. If your school is like my son’s, hiring another counselor or providing another class is totally out of the question, and the teachers’ salaries are already below public school teachers as it is.
My son has a learning disability, and he has to be bussed from his Catholic school to the closest public school every day for remedial math. It’s a good class and free. Public schools have to provide help for everyone (though I guess sometimes they need jumpstarting.)
I know, it feels like a blow in the face. But try to look at it as providing better opportunities for your son. Every time you get angry, pray for the people involved, and Satan will quit harassing you.
God bless you.
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I have been a teacher in both Catholic and public schools, and I concur with everything Viki59 said here.

To provide the kind of education your son needs could very well mean hiring more teachers. The diocese just can’t provide that the way tax-supported public schools can. It’s not that they don’t care. Believe me, I had to care a lot to work for the low salary I was getting in a Catholic school. But that didn’t mean I could be there at all times for every student. There just aren’t enough hours in the day–even though I tutored before school, during lunch, and after school.

Please remember that when God closes a door, He opens a window. This could very well be the best thing for your son.
 
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lukefan:
My son who is a senior has been not allowed to attend the Catholic High school that he has gone to for the last 3 years due to grades. He is not a strong student but I feel that the help should have been provided to him. I made a formal complaint to the archdioscese to no avail. He could have worked very hard this summer and got caught up but the school said No!
This is a done deal and he was recently enrolled in the local public school but I can’t get over the hurt. I have been doing well until just recently - invites to various activities for this year with parents whose kids have been going to school with my son since kindergarten, just got an e-mail about the start of school etc…etc…has my blood boiling. We decided to leave our younger son in the Catholic high school and I think this is making things worse.
I know that I am not a pleasant person to be around and it’s going to get worse in the next week or so when school starts. I’ve have prayed on this during my holy hour every week, spoke with our pastor, but still, when something comes up about the school or my son I can feel my blood pressure rising. My son is taking this much better than me!
Any suggestions?
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As long as your son wasn’t any sort of disruptive-behavior problem in school, I think the school was wrong. That being said, my advice to you is to get over it as quickly as possible.

How do you get over the hurt? Pray for the school, meditate on Christ’s suffering while he was on the cross and concentrate on your son and his grades at his new school. This may turn out to be positive.

Bless you,
Shannin
 
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shannin:
As long as your son wasn’t any sort of disruptive-behavior problem in school, I think the school was wrong.
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Most if not all Catholic high schools reserve the right to dismiss a student if his or her grades are not at a certain level. It was the same way at my Catholic high school, and I know a few people who were asked to leave on academic grounds.

Eamon
 
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lukefan:
I just got back into town today. I have to disagree with some things on this topic. I think that an archdiocese school which is funded by the parishes within the archdiocese should be expected to provide all who wish to be educated in the Catholic school the help they need. Just like no student should be turned away for lack of being able to pay the tuition, a child should not be turned away if he/she is not the traditional student.
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It must be horrendous to have your son excluded from his senior year. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. It would have been so much better if they had dealt with this sooner.

But your hurt seems to be getting the better of your reason.
Not every school can be all things to all students and it would be unrealistic to expect that. These schools usually operate on a shoestring and often cannot meet the needs of special students.

My daughter’s Episcopal grammar school stated in the first paragraph of the introductory brochure that the school was for “normal” (whatever that is) children. When a kid was discovered to have a learning “issue,” a discussion was held with the parents and the kid was referred to a school that could help him.
 
Just wanted to say that I can certainly understand your hurt and anger. What a disappointing thing to have happen especially at this late date. I would imagine that you feel the school has abandoned you and your son in your hour of need.

I’m just wondering though if it’s God’s way of putting your son in a place where he will finally get the assistance he needs and which unfortunately wasn’t to be found at his Catholic school. Maybe looking at it that way would help you to see it as a blessing in disguise. I can certainly understand where you are coming from because a parent can only do so much. You cannot be with them at school and you should not have to be.

I also sympathize that I do believe everyone learns in different ways and if you don’t fit into the mold, it’s a problem. I absolutely hated school with a passion but somehow got through it. I now wonder if I was ADD because I seem to have very little patience for doing anything for a long period of time - although it does make a difference if it is something that has my interest. I am easily bored. I also hated my twenty years of secretarial work and felt absolutely chained to a desk and miserable! A learning environment that would have taken these things into consideration would have been a godsend. Also choosing a different career would have made a difference!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children for a positive, happy school year.

Amie
 
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