How do I tell these family members to leave me alone?

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js_cat3391

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I have these family members that are mean. They have this view that if people do not like them and if people get angry with what they say, that means they are doing the right thing. If they ask you do do something and you do not, they take it personally.

They are very judgmental and psycho, and they impose their will on others. There seems to be much anger and vindictiveness in them. I want them to leave me alone, and never talk to them again. I just want to be free of them. I want to fight back and put them in their place, but I do not know how. Is that evil of me?

Instead of telling them that my time with them is not pleasant, and I do not wish to see or talk to them anymore, I make up little lies or I do not answer the phone at all or the text messages and hope they just go away. They bring lots of anxiety to me. I want to be free of this.

I fear if I tell them to just leave me alone, they will react angrily and viciously attack me with their words and tell me how wrong or how bad I am.

And if I tell them this, what happens at family gatherings?
 
  • I want to fight back and put them in their place, but I do not know how. Is that evil of me?*
Not so much evil as pointless and maybe counterproductive.

Avoid them, and when you have to have contact with them, avoid engaging with them as much as you can. Give them the least you can as a response to their provocations, and as much as possible, just stay off of their radar. Above all, avoid dramas and avoid the clever or memorable remark as a retort. Be a bland, useless person in their lives. If they say that talking to you is about as worthwhile as talking to a cow or a sheep, you’ll be on the right track.

Them: We’ve left ten messages on your machine, and you never called back.
You: Oh, you did? Hmmm.
Them: Well, don’t you want to know what we needed?
You: You called me because you needed something?
Them: Yes, we needed something!
You: Well, I hope you were able to get it taken care of.
Them: No, and we want you to help us.
You: Oh, well, that’s not going to be possible.
Them: Why not, what are you doing?
You: I have business of my own to attend to.
Them: All of the time?
You: Assume I am occupied for the foreseeable future.
Them: You aren’t going to help us! You nasty ungrateful useless piece of protoplasm! What do you have to do that is so important?
You: I don’t think you need to be bored with the details of my life. Trust me, I’m occupied. Don’t be upset, though. I’m very sure you’ll figure out how to get your problem taken care of without me.
Them: No, we can’t! You’re leaving us high and dry! You __________!!
You: Don’t sell yourselves short. I know you’ll think of something. Oh, look, there’s Sally. I’ve been meaning to talk to her. See you!

If they pursue you, then there will get to be a point where you just repeat:* I don’t think you understand. I am not going to be helping you out. You can take care of it yourselves, I know you can. I’m not that vital to your success–you are very capable, and you can do it without me!*

Do not give them reasons why you won’t be helping them, because they’ll argue with your reasons. Don’t tell them that they don’t deserve a reason. Just keep repeating that you won’t be helping them, but that you have confidence that they can handle their own problems.
 
EasterJoy said:
  • I want to fight back and put them in their place, but I do not know how. Is that evil of me?*
Not so much evil as pointless and maybe counterproductive.

Avoid them, and when you have to have contact with them, avoid engaging with them as much as you can. …
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Thanks, I will study what you said.
 
js_cat3391 said:
I have these family members that are mean. They have this view that if people do not like them and if people get angry with what they say, that means they are doing the right thing. If they ask you do do something and you do not, they take it personally.

They are very judgmental and psycho, and they impose their will on others. There seems to be much anger and vindictiveness in them. I want them to leave me alone, and never talk to them again. I just want to be free of them. I want to fight back and put them in their place, but I do not know how. Is that evil of me?

Instead of telling them that my time with them is not pleasant, and I do not wish to see or talk to them anymore, I make up little lies or I do not answer the phone at all or the text messages and hope they just go away. They bring lots of anxiety to me. I want to be free of this.

I fear if I tell them to just leave me alone, they will react angrily and viciously attack me with their words and tell me how wrong or how bad I am.

And if I tell them this, what happens at family gatherings?
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How are these people related to you?

Parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc?

You’ve left that part out, and that could really affect what answer you get.

Also, calling them “judgmental” and “psycho” may not be a fair or just assessment either.

Again, how are these people related to you?
 
js_cat3391 said:
I have these family members that are mean. They have this view that if people do not like them and if people get angry with what they say, that means they are doing the right thing. If they ask you do do something and you do not, they take it personally.

They are very judgmental and psycho, and they impose their will on others. There seems to be much anger and vindictiveness in them. I want them to leave me alone, and never talk to them again. I just want to be free of them. I want to fight back and put them in their place, but I do not know how. Is that evil of me?

Instead of telling them that my time with them is not pleasant, and I do not wish to see or talk to them anymore, I make up little lies or I do not answer the phone at all or the text messages and hope they just go away. They bring lots of anxiety to me. I want to be free of this.

I fear if I tell them to just leave me alone, they will react angrily and viciously attack me with their words and tell me how wrong or how bad I am.

And if I tell them this, what happens at family gatherings?
Click to expand...
How old are you?
 
twopekinguys said:
How are these people related to you?

Parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc?

You’ve left that part out, and that could really affect what answer you get.

Also, calling them “judgmental” and “psycho” may not be a fair or just assessment either.

Again, how are these people related to you?
Click to expand...
Parents, brothers, sisters, cousins…what difference does it make, really?

The OP is describing how his/her past interactions with them have him/her feeling about these relatives. Re-read what was in the original post.

Think of someone that you feel this way, inside your family or out. No one is asking the OP to testify in court. No one is suggesting that the OP to bad-mouth these people to anyone. If they are that upsetting, what would it hurt to disengage and simply give them a wide berth? More to the point, in your whole life how many times have you forged a good relationship with someone who treated you in a similar manner?
 
EasterJoy said:
Parents, brothers, sisters, cousins…what difference does it make, really?

The OP is describing how his/her past interactions with them have him/her feeling about these relatives. Re-read what was in the original post.

Think of someone that you feel this way, inside your family or out. No one is asking the OP to testify in court. No one is suggesting that the OP to bad-mouth these people to anyone. If they are that upsetting, what would it hurt to disengage and simply give them a wide berth? More to the point, in your whole life how many times have you forged a good relationship with someone who treated you in a similar manner?
Click to expand...
As you can see from my post, and LSK’s, we also wanted to know the age.

Would you advocate a 15 yr old child avoiding their parent’s? Would you advocate a child living at home to avoid their brothers and sisters?

“Avoid them, and when you have to have contact with them, avoid engaging with them as much as you can. Give them the least you can as a response to their provocations, and as much as possible, just stay off of their radar.”

Would you really advocate that behavior for a child living at home? Seriously?

No matter how well intentioned your advice may have been, there aren’t enough facts to suggest that type of behavior.

BTW: We aren’t talking about my family, friends, or anyone associated with me. We are talking about the OP, and the lack of information.

ETA: I have checked the OP’s profile on two separate occasions after LSK and I asked questions. One time it showed responding to this very thread, and the second time showed viewing thread. There has been no response to our questions, which leads me to believe it is a child living at home. (I have been wrong before though.)
 
I’m not a kid, and I live on my own. I think EasterJoy picked up on some things I said that indicated I was not a kid living at home. But thank you for your concern and for asking if I was a kid.

Please trust that my assessment of their behavior is correct.

I had tried to tell them how they make me feel bad the way they talk to me, and they just yell louder and accuse me. Every time I was having a problem, and I decided to trust them, a few days later they would started chastising me about my problems. Once I had injured myself and was in pain, and they were having me doing some things for them that aggravated my injuries which they new about, and I told them I was hurting, and they started calling me names, and just gave me more work to do.

I am trying to learn to not let people walk all over me. I just want to serve God and have peace.

I have been trying to think about what this means?
(Matthew 10:34-36) - “Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35"For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household.”

Edit: wrote a better description of what they do when I was having a problem. To them, everyone seems to be destroying america, but they did not actually say I was as i wrote before.
 
js_cat3391 said:
I’m not a kid, and I live on my own. I think EasterJoy picked up on some things I said that indicated I was not a kid living at home. But thank you for your concern and for asking if I was a kid.

Please trust that my assessment of their behavior is correct.

I had tried to tell them how they make me feel bad the way they talk to me, and they just yell louder and accuse me. Every time I was having a problem, and I decided to trust them, a few days later they would start talking about how people like me were destroying America. Once I had injured myself and was in pain, and they were having me doing some things for them that aggravated my injuries which they new about, and I told them I was hurting, and they started calling me names, and just gave me more work to do.

I am trying to learn to not let people walk all over me. I just want to serve God and have peace.

I have been trying to think about what this means?
(Matthew 10:34-36) - “Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35"For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household.”
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Thank you for clarifying.

Trust me, I understand how demanding and draining families can be.

Do you have any other family members that can come to your defense, and possibly intervene for you?

If that doesn’t work, then, distancing yourself is the next option. Just remember to be firm, but not disrespectful. You don’t want to fall to their level.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
It sounds like you want to cut them out.

I would get a good pile of stock phrases, and let them see the trend.

"No, that won’t be possible. " You don’t owe them a why. “No” is a complete sentence, and is not rude. Sometimes, giving reasons for a decision will cause others to think it is negotiable- “No, I need to get to bed soon.” opens up the door for “Well, come over tomorrow then!”

“I’m sorry, I already have plans that day.” It doesn’t matter WHAT- it may be a nice bath- again, you don’t need to explain what they are.

“I cannot talk right now. Bye!”

I’d avoid at family gatherings, or leave one they cross the line. Cousin, I do not want to discuss this. If you continue to bring it up, I’m leaving." See the other family on your own time- surely you are not the only one that feels that way about these people? Again, you are best to simply try and avoid them if you must be present with them at a gathering, as it only results in stress.

Sometimes the whole family will grow a backbone and start standing up to the behavior. Sometimes, you will be on your own, and it can be lonely if you need that interaction with everyone else.
 
twopekinguys said:
As you can see from my post, and LSK’s, we also wanted to know the age.

Would you advocate a 15 yr old child avoiding their parent’s? Would you advocate a child living at home to avoid their brothers and sisters?

“Avoid them, and when you have to have contact with them, avoid engaging with them as much as you can. Give them the least you can as a response to their provocations, and as much as possible, just stay off of their radar.”

Would you really advocate that behavior for a child living at home? Seriously?

No matter how well intentioned your advice may have been, there aren’t enough facts to suggest that type of behavior.

BTW: We aren’t talking about my family, friends, or anyone associated with me. We are talking about the OP, and the lack of information.

ETA: I have checked the OP’s profile on two separate occasions after LSK and I asked questions. One time it showed responding to this very thread, and the second time showed viewing thread. There has been no response to our questions, which leads me to believe it is a child living at home. (I have been wrong before though.)
Click to expand...
She talked about getting messages on an answering machine, which implies separate households.

Would I say the same thing if she were in the same house with such a “relative”? Oh, gosh yes! I was tormented by my older brother when was growing up. Staying off his radar without making any smart comments was absolutely the best way to deal with him! And we get along great now!

And what about the other extreme? What if the OP is just an oversensitive whiner? I still don’t see how keeping a distance from relatives who upset her would be a bad strategy for anyone involved. It is better than doing nothing to assert yourself, in favor of feeling sorry for yourself. If one of my relatives feels sorry for themselves because of how I treat them, then putting a bit of distance in will not hurt me. If I wonder what is going on, I can ask, and we can talk. If I’m willing to let her take her distance, then we’re both going to be happier.

I’m sure she realizes that if she does not help other people who ask for her help, she’s not going to have much luck getting their help when she needs it. Somehow, though, I don’t think these are the relatives she’d call for that.
 
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