How do my sins of impurity effect others?

[mosher]

I’m not positive I am addicted, (I’m not sure how you know) I don’t have any SA groups in my area, as I said I have done the purity coaching but my problem has been not doing what I was taught to do when tempted.

Compulsion and addiction are different things. Addiction speaks primarily about a biological weakness where as compulsion speaks primarily of a weakness of the will. So it is in the will that you must effect change in order to surmount this problem.

• I need to change my will, if so how do I do that?

Remember this, behavior precedes disposition. If we change our actions then we change our will. On of the sure ways to change the will is with help from a person you trust. Just as when the alcoholic is tempted to drink he calls his buddy so too can you do something similar either through a tangible person or through prayer. You will not be able to fight it off every time but you will begin to make significant strides. This will also begin to help repair your damaged will and order your passions jut a bit more.

• Can the brain be re-wired, if so how?

Don’t worry about this. Focus on your will - not your brain.

• I don’t have much money, so a counselor or some other help will be a problem.

As others have said I don’t think this is necessary. Try to find a Spiritual Director if you don’t have ready access to a priest. This must be a person you trust and who you know has a profound knowledge of the faith and objective morals.

• I have periods where I want purity, my longest period of purity this year was 38 days (that’s actually good for me), I normally can stay pure for 7 or 8 days but after that the old habits come back and I usually don’t notice until I’m already in a state of sin. The moving back and forth, in and out of sin is taking a toll on me. Once I do fall into a state of sin, I needlessly put off Confession (another sin) and free fall until Confession on Saturday.

This is the normal process so know that you are not alone in this struggle. Many guys are bouncing back and forth in this same struggle and this same cycle. But be assured that it can be beaten.

• I know what I’m supposed to do, why can’t I get myself to do it?

This is the war between the flesh and the spirit that St. Paul spoke of. Remember that he said:

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I know not: for not what I would, that do I practise; but what I hate, that I do. But if what I would not, that I do, I consent unto the law that it is good. So now it is no more I that do it, but sin which dwelleth in me. For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me, but to do that which is good is not. For the good which I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I practise. But if what I would not, that I do, it is no more I that do it, but sin which dwelleth in me. I find then the law, that, to me who would do good, evil is present. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me out of the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then I myself with the mind serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
(Rom 7:14-25)

This always sounded to me like the rantings of a madman and then I realized that this mad ranting is the mad ranting of every man who struggles against the flesh. So, instead of ranting I realized that it was mourning - mourning that he could not have the purity that he desired but that he would continue to strive in Christ Jesus for that purity even though it seems futile. The the point is not about winning but rather the point is that we must know that we are striving after perfection in all things.

 

[jmcrae]

It affects your personality in a negative way - more selfish, more difficult to get along with, less able to empathize with others, especially people of the opposite sex.

It also affects your children - believe it or not, they know - kids have a strong ‘sixth sense’ for this kind of thing - and it is already affecting their concept of manhood, since you as their father are their model of manhood. It is already having an effect on what kind of men your sons will become, and what kind of men your daughters will marry.

Others have already mentioned the possible effects on your wife - she probably doesn’t know, but she will sense that something is wrong with you, and may well begin to accuse you in her mind of all kinds of things that aren’t really true, just because she can’t figure it out. This will definitely have a negative effect on your marriage. (She does know that you have a secret that you don’t want to share with her.)

 

[water]

I pray twice a day, morning and evening. Prayer has been very difficult for me lately. Actually I haven’t been praying much in the evenings or much in the morning. I have a wife and five young kids so it is hard to find quiet time for prayer. I have been going to Confession once a week or once every two weeks for about 2 years now. I was talking to a priest but the assoc. pastor just recently got transferred so now they are a one priest parish. The priest doesn’t have much free time any more.

I understand it is hard to find a quiet time alone to pray. I haven’t had a family but I am already very busy; therefore, I understand how busy you are. You know what! There is a good news for you. If I could understand how busy you are, God understand you a whole lot more.

What does this mean to you? When you have a free time, pray. When you have to take care kids and be with your wife, pray. Try to say a Hail Mary, even half of it between conversations and works. God has asked us to pray unceasingly. It is perfectly ok for you to pray at any moment. I normally say a Hail Mary or a Father’s pray, etc…when I am walking down the hallway at my workplace, from parking lot to my work, taking elevator, etc…

You go to confession weekly, that is great! I have started to do the same thing as you do for few months now, and I feel lots of love and graces coming from God. If you have time, search around your area for other Church to go to confession. I hardly make it to the daily confession, I go to the one during the weekend- sometime I go to my own parish, sometime I go to another.

Besides all this, I was wondering if you have noticed when and why you had the impurity thoughts. What makes think about it? If you know the reason, with God’s Help, you will stop it before it happens to you.

The following thing I do to prevent me from having impure thoughts and I think it could be benefit to you - I stop watching TV’s shows, movies with rated R. The only types of movies I am watching now are cartoons (ha ha, I am old but I love the innocent of characters in cartoon) and Christians movies. The more I watch Christian movies about Saints, Jesus, Nuns, Priest, the better I feel closer to God.

God bless and be strong!

 

[Charybdis]

I’ll tell you how to beat this, get over to the Couple to Couple League website (www.ccli.org) and sign up to take Natural Family Planning classes with you and your wife. ONce you really learn about the spiritual side of your body, your sexuality, your relationship with God and your wife and how your marriage is so important to Him, you will get a better understanding of all of this and it will subside (combined with a lot of prayer and determination!).

I, too, had a masturbation problem and once we took the NFP classes and learned a whole bunch about our sexuality and God’s plan for us, things really changed in my life and in our marriage, for the better!!!

I threw out the pornography (first step but it’s a big one!) and then I never masturbated again! More than six years ago and I’m proud to say I have totally kicked the habit!

Fall in love with your wife again, realize what a treasure she is! And also realize that nothing you do in the bathroom with a magazine in your hand will ever compare to the glorious heights of being with your wife embraced in God’s love and uniting yourselves the way He planned it!!!

God Bless and good luck!

 

[Leeta]

My brother is a sex addict. It started when he was a teen. He married and had three children. About 10 years ago he started going to a psychiatrist for depression and to Sex Anon. His son started to get into drugs and the same impurity. His marriage ended 3 years ago. He was homeless. He knew all the prostitutes by name in the ghetto neighborhood where he moved in with my other invalid brother. He moved in with several of them. He started doing hard drugs, almost lost his arm and he lost his job of 35 years! He was still homeless and without health insurance. He did get another job and a place to stay and he says he is no longer doing drugs. But he is not Catholic and has never had the sacrament of Confession . I tell him he needs to go and become Catholic. I tell him just to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

Meanwhile his son is a drug and alcohol addict and has been in and out of jail for stealing. He steals from his mother, his Dad and his invalid uncle who is letting him live with him.

My nephew grew up in a middle class family and attended the best school and is very intelligent. He is very charming and good-tempered, too.

HELL on earth is what can happen to you and all your loved ones. It is only a foretaste of eternal hell.

We visit them in their squalor and filth. It is awful and disgusting. People ask if we had a good time on our vacation.
What vacation, I ask back. It is a visit to Hell everytime.

Jesus was so true in saying that the poor you will always have with you. These brothers have freely chosen to live like swine.

 

[BlestOne]

Shameless,
I am not a guy, so I am no expert on what you are going through. I do however have some hope to offer. I was married for 13 years… in the end I had alot of self esteem issues. I could have been a prime target for a guy looking for a one night stand…and believe me, I did have offers. I knew this wouldn’t make me happy in the end so I held out for the whole dream us silly women have…you know, a good looking, faithful husband that treats me like the most precious person that ever lived. I found this guy…we ended up dating for 6 yrs while we went through him joining the church, my annulment and his annulment… During the 6 yrs we dated, we decided to do things the right way; to wait until marriage to have sex. Now, I know you can appreciate how hard this is for a guy, but let me tell you, it isn’t easy for a woman either. When we were tempted, we promised to pray together…we stopped whatever we were doing (talking, kissing) and prayed right then. It worked! We waited until our wedding night and it was the most fabulous night I can ever remember. So here it is…when you feel the urge or need to masturbate…stop and pray for God to give you the strength to not do it. Each time you stop yourself, you get stronger…it will get easier each time.

 

[CRW]

Hi all,
I’ll try to keep this as clean as I can. I am a married man, 30’s with kids. I have been an “impurity addict” since age 13, I still am. I have gotten much better over the past few years yet this sin hangs on. I have been put on medication, received counseling and even purity coaching, yet the sin continues. In this question I’m not asking how to stop (yet any advice would be helpful). My question right now is this: How do my sins of impurity effect others? What I mean is if I am “impure with myself” how does that effect others I don’t even know? How does it effect those I do know but don’t know of my problems? What about those I know who do know about my problems? Lastly, in what ways does impurity effect me? (I know it is a mortal sin, and I know what that means - hell.) I’d like to know about spiritual effects, mental effects, physical effects, as well as emotional effects. Also any good Catholic books that deal with this specific area of impurity (effects of this sin)? Thanks a head of time.

According to the Roman Catechism, the Communion of Saints becomes effective through the common possession by the faithful of the merits of grace deposited in the Church and of the extraordinary gifts of grace bestowed upon the Church; and again through the common participation in the fruits of the prayers and of the good works of all the members of the Church: “The unity of God, by which she (the Church) is guided, causes all that is deposited in her to be common to all”. “Whatever good things and holy things are undertaken by an individual benefit all, and that these things are profitable to you, is caused by love, which does not seek its own advantage”. Christ willed that yhose who believe in Him should form an inner moral unity with one another, whose model is His Own Unity with the Father (John 12, 21). Quotes from the Fundamentals of Catholic Dogma by Dr. Ludwig Ott: The Communion of Saints.

 

[Black_Jaque]

How do my sins of impurity effect others?

They affect others because those sins affect you, and you in turn affect others.

In the military you are taught how to shoot well, not because you’ll need to know in order to survive, but more importantly, whether or not you hit your target will make the difference of whether your buddy comes home alive or dead.

Human sexuality is very profound and sacred. Everyone on earth desparately needs to understand this. We won’t understand this on our own. We need other people’s help. We need YOUR help. If you aren’t doing your part the rest of society pays the price.

Once you move up to a higher vantage point, you will then be able to direct other people around you in a better direction. You can lead.

Imagine a whole society where sexuality is vigorously guarded and cared for. No one says a vulgar word. No one commits a single act of impurity. There is no pornography not because there are laws against it, but because there just wasn’t any money in the business. What impact do you think that will have on marriages and children? Divorce? Adultery? Abortion?

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

They affect others because those sins affect you, and you in turn affect others.

In the military you are taught how to shoot well, not because you’ll need to know in order to survive, but more importantly, whether or not you hit your target will make the difference of whether your buddy comes home alive or dead.

Human sexuality is very profound and sacred. Everyone on earth desparately needs to understand this. We won’t understand this on our own. We need other people’s help. We need YOUR help. If you aren’t doing your part the rest of society pays the price.

Once you move up to a higher vantage point, you will then be able to direct other people around you in a better direction. You can lead.

Imagine a whole society where sexuality is vigorously guarded and cared for. No one says a vulgar word. No one commits a single act of impurity. There is no pornography not because there are laws against it, but because there just wasn’t any money in the business. What impact do you think that will have on marriages and children? Divorce? Adultery? Abortion?

This really insightful. :clapping: I never thought of it in quite that way before, about how people who are living chastely are in a better position to be leaders. Thanks for sharing this!

 

[VociMike]

Based on my own past experience, the effect is mostly one of distorting how we perceive the full humanity of others (women, in the case of heterosexual men). We really do begin to reduce, in our minds, and more subconsciously than consciously, women and womankind to objects and means of our gratification. We come to think of them as walking pleasure-centers rather than as children of God. And thus we end up degrading ourselves while adopting a degraded idea of others.