How do you get rid of bossiness?

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Allegra

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My oldest girl is 5 and will be starting kindergarten in the fall. When observing her with her pre-school classmates, I noticed that she was being bossy/critical with the other students. Ex. Telling another kid, “You’re not supposed to have the dinosaurs at the table,” when it was none of her business. I also got a report the other day that she got really angry at another students because he wouldn’t follow the directions for a project they were supposed to be working on. In that case, the other kid was actually affecting her, but I just worry that she’s so busy getting into the other kids’ business that she is forgetting to mind her own. Also, bossiness and criticizing other classmates can quickly evolve into a rather self-righteous form of bullying.

Other than verbally correcting a child when it happens, is there any method that really works for curtailing this disagreeable behavior? I think part of the problem is that she has a younger brother who basically worships the ground she walks on and joyfully does anything she suggests like its the best idea he’s ever heard. It’s hard for her to understand that other kids her own age don’t have to, don’t want to, and will resent her if she keeps being Ms. Bossy-pants all the time. Is it best to just let the other kids tell her off until she finally gets it? Should I provide more severe consequences on the rare occasion I’m actually present to witness it? Should I ask the teacher to redirect her when she notices it? From what I’ve seen, she doesn’t seem to mind, or is afraid to redirect her when I’m around. Why doesn’t Daniel Tiger have a song about not being a bossy jerk?
 
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If you find a solution, I would hope perhaps we can also apply it to many people on CAF who are much older than your daughter and yet still appear to have the same exact problem.

Seriously though, I think this kind of thing usually gets trounced out of kids by other kids telling them, “Mind your own business” or “You’re not the teacher, I don’t have to do what you say” etc. My feeling is that you should just keep correcting when you see the behavior and other than that let her grow out of it naturally.
 
I see this problem often with the oldest child in families with multiple kids. Good that you recognize it as a problem.

Typically, I find it seems to be a result of parents putting the older kid in charge of the younger kid(s). Even if it is just saying “Suzie, watch your brother while I make dinner”. Suzie doesn’t have the skills to “watch” anyone, and really doesn’t understand what the parent is asking her to do.

I would refrain from putting one child “in charge” of another, if that is happening.

I see it all the time.
 
She sounds like a normal oldest child. (My wife and I are both middle children with the same charming quirks. It irks my big brother and his wife, also an oldest child, when we point out these birth order traits.)

I don’t think the bossiness is cause for too much consternation. It shows she is a leader and that she cares enough about other kids to speak up and tell them they need to follow directions/behave/etc. You and your husband can teach and show her how to do it with tact and how to make her own example be a model to the other kids.
 
How does it go when you have conversations with her on how to be kind? I don’t mean catching her being bossy–just conversations during the day or evening about how she likes to be treated, or what she thinks of some situation she’s seen. My daughter (our oldest, JMMJ) is bossy with her little brothers, though too shy to be bossy at kindergarten, and she’s also very rules-oriented–you’re not SUPPOSED to do X! I think it’s helped to emphasize empathy and sympathy, to get her to understand other people’s point of view.

Also, we tell our kids when they’re being mean to a sibling, “Hey! That’s my son/daughter, and I love him/her, just like I love you. You be nice to my son/daughter.” It helps them understand that their siblings have equal rights and place in the house.

This isn’t something that happens overnight, as I’m sure you know. Kids have their own failings and virtues, and it is hard to deal with each appropriately, consistently, and effectively.

I hope your new baby is well, and that you are recovering nicely.
 
Allegra said:
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So there is a difference between bossy and assertive. A parent can help children to see the difference and consider other people’s feelings while stating one’s own perspective. Children learn by imitation so it is important to be a good example by being assertive rather than bossy.
 
I actually theorize that the increase in bossiness behavior I’ve seen in school is because it’s being modeled so much more by adults, particularly in the digital world. Every time there is a story in the news about someone who has suffered some sort of misfortune, there are a dozen people in the comments who know exactly what that person should have done. I know part of this is the whole “That could NEVER happen to me because…” reflex, but it does come off as being constantly critical and judgemental. The thing is, no kid wakes up in the morning and says, “Oh what a beautiful day! I can’t wait to get to school so everyone can tell me how wrong I am!” The need to constantly boss and correct others really can get quite toxic, and it easily becomes a “get them before they get me” thing and soon the whole class has become a bunch of bossy tattletales and that’s really hard to overcome. The secondary problem is that it seems to fly under the radar of a lot of adults until it gets so toxic that it’s out of control. That’s why I’m trying to nip this in the bud now. I feel bad for the poor slob who has to teach her next year in kindergarten. (Aka. Me.)
 
Just so I understand your perspective, what is the difference between “assertive” and “bossy”? From my perspective, any criticism of another student that isn’t her business or wasn’t asked for is problematic. You don’t have to call names or use a particularly snotty tone in order to be obnoxious. If other kids get the impression that you are just waiting for them to slip up so you can call them out on it (in the most kind and compassionate tone, of course.) it’s going to be a negative experience. With my own students, we have this school-wide reward ticket program, and I give students tickets for making comments that build others up. I try to praise my daughter when she is kind to her brother (which is most of the time.) The problem is, it doesn’t seem to be transferring to the kids at school. It’s almost too bad that her brother is so cooperative. Maybe if she had a really bratty brother, she would learn how to deal with uncooperative peers more effectively. As it is, he is her most devoted sidekick.
 
  1. The holding of “allowanced” (money give to children for what they should do around the house for free 2) Holding the cell phone hostage. They are both non-intrusive ways of behavior modification and showing that the house is not a democracy.
 
I don’t think she quite acknowledges that being bossy is unkind. Maybe because adults are always telling her what to do and pointing out her mistakes?
 
I would seek out some fairy tales or stories that had a moral about bossiness!

But I wouldn’t ignore it. The patterns set in childhood can have a big effect. I saw the opposite take place in a close relative. As a child he lived next door to his slightly older cousin. But the cousin had a chronic disease, and so my relative was told not to fight back and to defer to him. The cousin died of the disease when he was six. But my relative took his early lessons to heart: he doesn’t fight back, and he tends to defer to everyone. So from my own experience, I would say you need to be ultra-careful in how you phrase criticisms.
 
She’s five. She doesn’t have either of those things. Plus, I can’t normally see what she’s doing at school, so it would be a pretty inconsistent consequence.
 
I don’t think we do that. She does come up with the larger share of what they play, but she’s not even old enough to be actually in charge. The closest we come to that is asking her to check if her brother is still asleep or what he’s doing. We never ask her to manage his behavior.
 
Please forgive, but I am committing the cardinal sin of posting on CAF – I haven’t read through the entire thread. 😱

At my school, we teach the kids the Seven Habits as created by Stephen Covey and restructured for kids by his son Sean Covey. The program is called “Leader In Me.”

Habit One has really helped with our bossy little leaders. “Be Proactive – I’m in charge of me” is what we teach our students. They are not in charge of others and cannot control what others choose to do or not do. It is their job to make choices for themselves.

We teach them, in an age-appropriate way, about the “circle of influence” (what they can control or impact) and the “circle of concern” (what they’re concerned about but have no influence or impact). Even our preschool students engage with this.

Of course, they’re hearing it all over the school, and even some of our parents have taken advantage of the free 7 Habits training we offer – the the kids hear it at home as well.

My son and I use the 7 Habits at home and it does really help us see things in a new perspective and make better choices.

Just one more possible tool in the box.

Gotta run and get to those chores!
 
Well, this isn’t just one conversation; she’ll get the connection eventually, and be able to distinguish between bossiness and authority, and be able to determine when a situation calls for “telling” and when it’s something to work out with the other kid. It’s great that you’ve identified this flaw and will be working with her on it, but any deeply-ingrained character trait isn’t going to go away overnight, no matter what you do. It’s just something to keep patiently working on, and listening, and responding. Unlike obedience, you can’t really train a kid not to be bossy; the kid has to internalize some values, assess different situations, and make decisions appropriate to each context. This is quite a bit more complicated than teaching the child to do what you say.

Also, I’m sure you give her an appropriate amount of self-determination, so she DOES make some choices herself; getting her to see that everyone likes to have agency will help (although it will also lead to some talk about when to enforce rules that can get complicated. But you’ve still got to have these conversations).
 
We’ve used that program at my school as well, though it’s been retired for a while. Maybe I’ll brush it off!
 
Allegra said:
Just so I understand your perspective, what is the difference between “assertive” and “bossy”? From my perspective, any criticism of another student that isn’t her business or wasn’t asked for is problematic. You don’t have to call names or use a particularly snotty tone in order to be obnoxious. If other kids get the impression that you are just waiting for them to slip up so you can call them out on it (in the most kind and compassionate tone, of course.) it’s going to be a negative experience. With my own students, we have this school-wide reward ticket program, and I give students tickets for making comments that build others up. I try to praise my daughter when she is kind to her brother (which is most of the time.) The problem is, it doesn’t seem to be transferring to the kids at school. It’s almost too bad that her brother is so cooperative. Maybe if she had a really bratty brother, she would learn how to deal with uncooperative peers more effectively. As it is, he is her most devoted sidekick.
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It is “my needs matter and yours don’t” vs “my needs matter and so do yours”. Now criticism involves two things that make it ineffective when not sought:
  • It calls for submission, and people hate to be submissive.
  • It devalues, and people hate to feel devalued.
 
Agree. As she gets older, it is far better that with the morals you will instill she will be a leader for virtue and not one who is easily led astray.
 
She’s only 5. She will either outgrow it or realize the futility of it. And being “bossy” won’t necessarily develop into a negative trait as she matures.

If, with your help, she can temper the bossiness with compassion, she’ll be a leader and not a nag.

My son grew out of it. He’s 13. When he was in kindergarten and first grade he would sometimes use physicality to enforce the teacher’s rules. Once, I asked him, “How was school today?”

“Good. I didn’t have to shove anyone.”

Assertiveness, self-confidence…maybe you can impress upon her that her role should be that of being a classroom leader who leads by example and lends a hand when it’s wanted.
 
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