How do you keep focused on God and not your own anger in difficult times?

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DarkLight

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So I’m living with family, and there’s a lot of drama and stupid stuff going on. Most of it isn’t about me directly - it’s that my parents are going at each other constantly, day in and day out, and they’re often trying to drag me into it and I get blasted if I refuse. (I am working on moving out, but we’re talking a few months and not the next six weeks there, so I’m looking more for coping short-term.) There doesn’t really seem to be anything to do to change the situation other than keep my head down and try to save up money.

What I’m hitting is it’s hard to focus on anything other than how angry and frustrated I am… Trying to pray is hard because my mind is elsewhere. I feel like I’m getting overwhelmed with just being angry and thinking about how much I just don’t want to talk to my family. I don’t want this to be overwhelming me and I don’t want to throw the relationship away completely, but right now I don’t really know how to focus on anything else.
 
I don’t know how old you are, but I would suggest talking to a counselor or priest about this. If you are old enough to be out on your own, I would make moving out a priority, but even though I think you are a strong person, I don’t think you can wait this out without talking to someone more qualified than what normally passes on CAF.

I’m more concerned about this than if a first-time poster came on here because you’ve shared quite a bit of struggles on here, which I give you credit for because I know it’s not always easy for women to do that.
 
I second SuperLuigi, seeking professional help will pay off. You deserve a peaceful home, so make moving out a priority.
 
DarkLight said:
So I’m living with family, and there’s a lot of drama and stupid stuff going on. Most of it isn’t about me directly - it’s that my parents are going at each other constantly, day in and day out, and they’re often trying to drag me into it and I get blasted if I refuse. (I am working on moving out, but we’re talking a few months and not the next six weeks there, so I’m looking more for coping short-term.) There doesn’t really seem to be anything to do to change the situation other than keep my head down and try to save up money.

What I’m hitting is it’s hard to focus on anything other than how angry and frustrated I am… Trying to pray is hard because my mind is elsewhere. I feel like I’m getting overwhelmed with just being angry and thinking about how much I just don’t want to talk to my family. I don’t want this to be overwhelming me and I don’t want to throw the relationship away completely, but right now I don’t really know how to focus on anything else.
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Re: prayer
You don’t say what your faith is.

If you are a Catholic
Consider the Rosary. 20 mysteries of Our Lord to reflect on. A life that progresses through mystery after mystery, good and bad times ending in glory. Bring your family into your prayer.

If you aren’t Catholic, take a look at it to see if you’d like this form of meditation and prayer
 
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I’m well more than old enough to move out on my own - heck, I’m old enough that I should be out on my own. I moved back because I had major medical problems and my health was killing me, plus it was a way to get into a more urban area where I would have better opportunities than “small-town walmart”. Right now I need to pay the car off so I can move out and still get to work - I’m looking to have that done by the end of the year. So I’m aiming to be moving out in this coming spring.

I may try to talk to a priest but it’s quite difficult to pin one down around here, they’re running ragged trying to keep up with everything. Typing up an email now though! And my overnight shift doesn’t help (it doesn’t help with a lot of things but I get a generous shift differential). Overnight shift plus lousy insurance is also an issue with counseling - finding someone that I could both afford and wouldn’t require interrupting my sleep is difficult, and honestly I never liked counseling much. I could see it possibly helping long-term but I’m not sure I’m up for going over the “safe boundaries” and “compromise” lectures again.

I know what I need to do long-term, I just need to keep myself in one piece until I can do it. Prayers appreciated, of course.
 
I second what the above posters say…
Also, framing is important–don’t think how you will get through the next couple months, just focus on getting through day by day. You can handle one day’s worth of trouble. Don’t go anticipating the future.
Can you get yourself out of the house? Like join a club or even offer to run the errands (by yourself)? I wouldn’t suggest this as a forever strategy, but you don’t plan to be there much longer, so it’s okay to get you by for the short term.
If you’re comfortable doing this, you could simply say to your parents that you love them both, and don’t want to get in the middle of their disagreements. Tell them that this is stressing you to be put in the middle.
:pray:t2:And God bless
 
Can you schedule your sleeping times to avoid the high-conflict times?
(Again, its another avoidance strategy rather than a confronting strategy, but sometimes for the short term you need to buckle down)
 
The “next couple of months” bit is mostly important as a way of reassuring myself it’s months and not years. Being out of the house is the one disadvantage of my shift - there’s really nowhere to go at 11pm other than Walmart. I’ve got my sleep schedule set to avoid much of it, but unfortunately the 8pm-midnight area is a problem time and there’s no good way to avoid that (my work starts at either 8 or 9pm depending on the night).
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
If you’re comfortable doing this, you could simply say to your parents that you love them both, and don’t want to get in the middle of their disagreements. Tell them that this is stressing you to be put in the middle.
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Unfortunately, I have tried that. It really didn’t go well - I pretty much just got told I was being immature and irresponsible for wanting to stay out of it. Mom swears up and down it’s all Dad’s fault for mistreating her and if he’d just straighten up everything would be great. I’m not convinced but I’m keeping my mouth shut. I think she really does believe it though., and unfortunately I think my silence has been taken for agreement.
 
You have to learn to just put your parents on “ignore” when they start calling you “immature and irresponsible” for not wanting to take a side in their disagreement. Unfortunately, upset family members can revert to acting like small children, and that’s what’s happening here. If necessary to repeat that you love them, don’t want to get in the middle, it causes you unnecessary stress, and that’s final, repeat it as many times as you have to, and just let your parents blow their stacks. You didn’t cause their problem, you can’t control it, and the only thing you can control is your own reaction to it.

Other than that, I agree with staying away from the conflicts as much as possible until you can move out.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
You have to learn to just put your parents on “ignore” when they start calling you “immature and irresponsible” for not wanting to take a side in their disagreement.
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The trouble is “immature and irresponsible” ends in “and if you’re going to be so rude and immature you have to get out of the house for the night.” I’ve had to sleep in a hotel for a few nights because my mother decided I was being too rude and disrespectful - and unfortunately it rather seems to me that anything that challenges her behavior is deemed such.

That or just plain old following me around the house for hours yelling at me no matter what I say. But the ultimate problem is I’m afraid if I stand up for myself it’s just going to lead to me being thrown out of the house.
 
DarkLight said:
But the ultimate problem is I’m afraid if I stand up for myself it’s just going to lead to me being thrown out of the house.
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It’s sounding like this could likely happen no matter what you do, to be honest, so it might be good to start checking with co-workers to see if anyone’s got a couch you could crash on or some arrangement where you wouldn’t have to pay rent and wouldn’t have to be going to hotels either.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
It’s sounding like this could likely happen no matter what you do, to be honest, so it might be good to start checking with co-workers to see if anyone’s got a couch you could crash on or some arrangement where you wouldn’t have to pay rent and wouldn’t have to be going to hotels either.
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I’m surprisingly good at keeping my mouth shut and saying just the right thing. I’ve had practice. I’m pretty sure if I don’t lose my temper I can keep myself from being kicked out - it’s just a matter of holding on to my sanity.
 
A big problem in the world is that we are taught to see anger as intrinsically as evil, that we should always suppress it and that we should never get upset about anything anyone else does to us. This simply is not true, there are several scenes in both the old and new testament where people not only get angry but are shown as right in doing so.

I suggest you find a way to tell enter a dialogue with your parents to tell them how much they are negatively affecting you; you can get a therapist’s help with this if need be. There’s no shame in that.
If you don’t want to go that route, then I suggest finding ways to be out of the house during the day. Are there any parks, recreation centers, or other such places near your location? Is your neighborhood safe enough that you can go for long walks? If you’re out of the house and you have good reason for this then you won’t be around the arguments in your household. You don’t need to spend money to have a good time. I also recommend reaching out to any extended family members or friends or role-models whom you know, as they might be able to help you or at least might be willing to listen to you - it’s not good to be alone in hard times.
 
At this point I’ve pretty much decided that dialogue isn’t working at this point. No one’s actually listening to me enough to make it worth my time. It’s just a mess of “well if the other person would just clean up their act everything would be great!”

The problem with being out is with my shift there’s just nowhere to go. The worst time is from around 10pm up through midnight or 1am. On the days I’m not at work, there’s really nowhere to be for those hours. Even in a safe neighborhood that’s not time for going for a walk.

I’m not really worried about being angry as much as about ending up focused on it. There’s no point in sitting there being angry, and while I’m working on getting out of the situation obviously not every waking minute is intensely focused on that.
 
Take up writing. When I had a hard time and a lot to be angry about, I started writing fictional stories. My emotions fueled me and my creativity, and after I had written my story I wasn’t quite as angry anymore. It doesn’t need to be great, it doesn’t need to be for-profit, you don’t even need to show it to other people if you don’t want to. If you have access to a computer you can keep it on Google Docs or on Word Docs, or you can write it on paper.
 
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I’m somewhat worried as well. My health is going crazy and I wouldn’t be surprised if the stress level around here is causing a lot of the problems. It’s a catch-22. My health makes me worried about trying to change jobs right now because of my health, but I think I probably need to because I’ll bet my family is what’s killing my health. This is not fun.

Also having a strong desire to smack the next person mentioning anything about “being dramatic” or “throwing a fit” or anything.
 
Physical exercise. Gym. Weights.
Is there anywhere you can do do that?
And till you sweat and drop. Outdoors,anywhere.
 
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Not easily, not without either spending a lot of money on a 24h gym or disturbing someone.
 
I was thinking of a friend and a garage where you can exercise. Even outdoors…Exercise is crucial for your state now…you will.notice the difference.
You will be channelling all that in a.positive way.
 
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graciew said:
I was thinking of a friend and a garage where you can exercise. Even outdoors…Exercise us crucial for your state now…
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I don’t have any friends locally, and outdoors is out of the question for the vast majority of the time I’m up. It’s just not safe.
 
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