How do you know when it's time to move?

[MercyMia]

You are a grown woman with a husband and kids…it is a big, beautiful world out there and in my opinion it is very manipulative of your mother to expect you to limit yourself to a life that is within x amount of miles to her home. This is a decision for you and your husband only. I am not even saying that moving is what you should do, but your mom’s expectations should not determine what you do.
You mentioned not seeing your grandparents very often as a kid…was it your parents that moved far away from them? Maybe your mom is having anxiety of what goes around comes around since she didn’t have you near your grandparents?

 

[zaramarie81]

I agree with this. This decision should not include your mother’s (name removed by moderator)ut at all. This is between you and your husband only.

And whatever you two choose, be adult enough to take credit for your decision. I know how it feels to be the one constantly blamed for choices the in-laws don’t like, even if they are decisions made together.

And no, a man should not always do what the wife wants. What is this idea that if “the wife isn’t happy, then nobody’s happy”. The ideal to strive for in a family unit is for everyone to be happy. How is my husbands unhappiness in any way less important than mine, or why is my happiness more important than his?

I agree… it sounds like your mom is inserting herself in your marriage where she doesn’t belong. The reality is, an hour commute is 2 hours away from you and your child every single day. I do not think it is necessarily “selfish” to want to minimize that commute or to want to advance in a career. I also like this man’s (name removed by moderator)ut… be careful with not supporting your husband in his career goals. Career is important for men… feeling like they can support their family and meet their goals is huge. My sister and her husband are moving away for this same reason… her husband was starting to struggle with depression in their current location and in his current limited position. Am I sad they are moving? Absolutely. But it’s not about me. I will simply adapt and travel to see my nieces and nephews. I’d rather see my sister’s marriage and family thrive than demand they stay near me. (and we are twins, so we are VERY close).

The issue here is being a team as a husband and wife… very important. And guess what… if the move doesn’t work out, then it’s not the end of the world. As my wise mother said to me when I was pondering living across the country, “There are few decisions in life that are irreversible. If it doesn’t work out halfway across the country, you are always welcome home.” People move all the time and make it work!

 

[CountrySinger]

I’m not married, but I have recently moved for more job opportunites. My brothers tried to give me guilt trips (both of my paretns have passed away, I stayed with my mom taking care of her, and my brothers were nowhere to be seen). I told them, I can’t stay in Oregon with the horrible economy. And Oregon is a horrible state to live in, I was very depressed. I need to live on my own (I took care of my mom from after college until I was 27). And I haven’t been happier. Good luck in whatever decision you and your husband make.

 

[remjsmom76]

Flip the coin here. Lets say it was you with a very good job and an opportunity to provide better for your family. You know you have to move. What would your mom say then? What would YOU want to do?

Ive been married for 13 yrs, my husband was in the military and we moved around a lot. Did I wish my mom was nearby…sure, but I came home a lot too. Thing is that you and your husband are a team. Its GOD, You and your husband…nowhere in there is your mom supposed to even be. Trust in your husband and it sounds like he is doing this to make YOU and your child happy. It will afford you to have more kids. One day you will look back and say “I wish we had done that?” The bible says the man leaves his family to join his wife. I add to that…since the husband left his family to join his wife, wife needs to trust in her husband and follow him where he needs to go.

Sure the saying goes “if wife aint happy aint nobody happy” but you have to give a little and not take so much. You can always travel. I always told my husband that I dont want him to ever tell me “Well you didnt let me do this or that” I dont want my husband to resent me…My happiness is to make my husband happy, home is where ever he is. My life revolves around my husband…NOT my mom NOT my kids … MY husband. In the end…my parents will pass, my kids will move out and I will be left with MY husband and I want to make sure that we still LOVE each other then as much as we do now. Now dont confuse my actions towards my husband as that of a submissive wife…Im far from that and my husband will be the first to tell you that. He says HE IS MASTER in his work, I AM QUEEN of home! He respects my “dominion” and just as much as I live to make him happy he does all he can to make me happy.

In the days of our parents the world was much bigger…today with travel and technology the world has become much smaller. I used to video chat with my parents while I lived in Germany. They got to see my kids, they talked to my kids all the time over the phone, and like I said, I came home a lot too. So let him take this job…talk to your mom that family time will always be there it just means that there will be a bit more planning to do…Your not moving to Mars.

 

[remjsmom76]

IM A WOMAN and I agree with this post 100%!!! STANDING OVATION FROM ME HERE! Exactly what I wanted to say but he said it better!

I always stand up for my husband, even from my parents.

Man’s (name removed by moderator)ut

Remember your wedding vows?
What part said, “And also to follow the guidance of my/our parents in deciding our lives”

First, I agree that an hour commute is like nothing. My wife has commuted for an 1 hour each way for 20 years. What made it livable was a heavy car that did not “beat her up” on the road, so when she got to work or home, she was not road weary. With today’s gas prices, that may not be an option. But it could be a trade for moving. The Avalon, is in my opinion, the best driver comfort car on the road. Especially for road noise, which can really wear you out on long trips.

Second, children adapt and are to “follow the parents lead” not to make the parents follow the childrens lead. Do not use the children to avoid supporting your husband.

Third, Grandma needs NOT to become so selfish that she drives a wedge between you and your husband. Yes, she will miss the grandchildren, but the Bible informs us that marriage is a “separation” from our families, and a forming of a new family.

And that leads to Four: You and your husband are a family distinct and separate from either of your roots. Yes, you have extended familial roots that you will never let die, but if you let those roots take hold within you and your husbands marriage and lives, keep a divorce attorney on speed dial.
Decide this with your husband, and then “politely tell” the grandparents the decision, and if grandma attempts to place blame, WHOAA , she is driving an personal selfish agenda, and not focused on the biblicl obligation between both you and your husband to each other.

DO NOT, do not put the wants of your extended family before the needs of your immediate family/husband. As a man, that will be like saying, “Well, yes honey, I love you, but I love grandma and grandpa more - Well, yes your opinion is important, provided it meets with their approval - of course I support you, for as long as you live in this neighborhood”. He didn’t court them, he didn’t marry them, and they are not the mother of his children. He is working for you and the children, support him 100%, and that includes in front of your mother. Do not allow her to voice negative suggestions about your husbands motivation or career.

It is time to choose. Your husband or your parents, and given the scenario you explained above, his 1 hour commute issue may be lanuage for, “I have got to get some distance between me and Grandma and Grandpa”.

Pray about it, but never put your husband in line behind your parents.