How do you know when someone has stopped loving you?

[Heather07]

My bf says he still does but there are signs and signals that I am getting from him that makes me think that he doesn’t anymore. Its making me think twice about our relationship…I don’t know where else to turn. I keep beating myself up trying to figure out what it is that I have done. I could tell the complete story but it would be too long. Basically I have made many changes for him and our relationship to make it work and he has done nothing. I am also changing spiritually and emotionally…my whole outlook on things is becoming completely different than it was before. We have hardly anything in common now but I keep wanting to work to make us work but he is convinced nothing has changed and everything is fine which is his way of saying that he doesn’t feel like dealing with it and I can’t have that. He just expects me to wait around here for him to make a decision but he never will. I have never been more confused about anything…This whole thing between me and him just makes my desire to become Catholic even stronger almost to where I am losing patience to wait until RCIA classes begin…Catholicism is the only thing that I know of in life that is real and I feel I cannot have any real direction or guidance in my life until I become a part of it. How do I know if God is trying to separate us for a specific reason? Could He be trying to tell me something or am I just being paranoid? Thanks for any advice.

 

[Neithan]

Heather07:

How do I know if God is trying to separate us for a specific reason? Could He be trying to tell me something or am I just being paranoid?

Heather, The Holy Spirit is subtle and may very well be communicating with you. A good indicator of the health of a relationship is whether there is any sin involved. I hate to be blunt or presumptuous, but fornication is usually a source of pain rather than pleasure, and is the proverbial bullet-in-the-head of most loving commitments. Perhaps your boyfriend has lost respect for you, or interest. Have you tried prayer? Be honest with your conscience, open yourself up to God and discern whether you are living according to His will. The purpose of every relationship is mutual happiness, but the ultimate source of all happiness is God, and without Him love is empty. As painful as it is now, perhaps Our Lord is urging you to move on to better things. God bless you on your journey into His Church.

 

[turboEDvo]

If he loved you, you wouldn’t have to do all the work in the relationship. I can say from a guy’s perspective, that I would follow my girlfriend to the end of the Earth if I had to, and I have to wonder why yours is not doing the same. If he really wanted to keep you, he would be all over figuring out how to make things work, not saying that he can’t deal with it right now. Why don’t you have a serious talk with him about where your life is going and where his is. Be straight with him, and ask him tough questions. He needs to think long and hard about what you two have. And if he is putting you on hold, then he probably doesn’t care enough to help you in your time of need. If things aren’t working, add in the change in feelings for each other and I think you have your answer. Honestly, I would not stay with anyone who didn’t make me feel loved, and who didn’t agree with me on key issues (nothing superficial, I mean family size, religion, etc). More importantly, though, I would never enter a relationship that I didn’t feel was worth putting forth the effort. That sounds like what he is doing.

Ultimately, I can’t say what is right for your relationship, but from my perspective, he is not honoring you as he should. There is a difference between figuring out how to make a relationship work (ie location, time, schedules, budgets, etc.) and striving for reasons to even stay in the relationship. You sound like you are looking for a reason to make it work, and that might tell you something. When I have a problem, I turn straight to my girlfriend because I trust her. If you can’t take this to your boyfriend, then what’s gonna happen if you get married to him and the going gets tough. If you can’t talk to your boyfriend about the things that are important to you and have him give you a response, I don’t see how it could work. One important purpose of dating is to look for qualities that, even when the initial fun wears off, will leave you with a loving and faithful spouse.

As for God’s ability to communicate, I think He can help us feel in our hearts what we need. He swayed me away from who I was in my early high school career, and I feel that happened for a reason.

Eamon

PS. Check out www.pureloveclub.com You might be able to find something useful there as well.

 

[adstrinity]

Heather,

It is late & I’d love to reply in more detail, & I probably will later, but, if your feeling something…GO WITH THAT FEELING!!! Trust me on this as far as relationships are concerned…GO WITH YOUR GUT!!! Pray, pray, pray, and do what you must. If he’s no good for you spiritually, he is no good for you. Trust me, it’s only going to go downhill from here. I’ll explain more later…but, like turboEDvo said, he’d go to the end of the earth after his gf …if your bf wouldn’t do that…he’s not worth you.

“Words are meaningless & forgettable” – Depeche Mode

 

[chevalier]

Dear Heather, it looks like you have made serious plans for you and your boyfriend and now you don’t want those plans to fall apart. It seems that your boyfriend isn’t sure if he wants to be a part of those plans or not. But what is his place in those plans? Did he take part in making them or did he have them communicated by you?

Sometimes we meet people who strike a sensitive chord in us. We make plans. But it always takes two people. You say you have made changes, but what if he doesn’t want any? Remember that people who are adjusting, compromising, making and meeting expectations are having a relationship rather than love. You don’t need a relationship to be a person in the full meaning of it.

Next, you mention that you are changing, emotionally and spiritually and no longer how you were before. But by what right is your boyfriend supposed to follow you? Is his love to you measured by how he complies with your wishes and expectations?

It seems to me that you are in doubt as to whether to move on or stay in the relationship and this is something you have to answer yourself. No talk about your boyfriend will help. Some things are between you and God.

It also seems to me that you are looking for support more than advice. That support you will get, but in the form of prayer, not in the form of affirming whatever decision you are going to make.

 

[Genesis315]

Dump him and get yourself a nice, observant, Catholic boyfriend. Especially look for one that understands that a relationship (especially one groomed for marriage) is about mutual self-giving and sacrifice. (sorry, that’s my advice in all these kinds of threads).

Maybe you’ll meet a nice guy in RCIA!

 

[Windmill]

Three thoughts:

1. Can you see him as the father of your children? Would you be happy with your children turning out just like him, because they will?
2. Do you see him helping you or hindering you in your race to heaven? Believe me, as a married man who has a saint for a wife, you need someone participating in the life of Christ in order for you to make it.
3. You can’t change a guy. Don’t stay in a relationship to “make him better”. If there are serious issues, YOU aren’t going to change that. So, don’t try to force him into a mold that fits your ideals.

P.S. You’re 18. Why chain yourself to, what I assume, is a high school bf. Oftentimes those relationships are stuck in “highschool mode”. Meet people. Get involved. You’ll have time for serious relationships later, after you know what’s out there and what you want in a husband.

 

[demolitionman65]

Heather, The Holy Spirit is subtle and may very well be communicating with you

It CAN be subtle. Sometimes it’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

 

[ames61]

Heather07:

We have hardly anything in common now but I keep wanting to work to make us work

Why? You’ve had good advice so far. Especially about remembering that really truly the whole purpose of dating is figuring out who you are going to marry, and that ultimately the purpose of marriage is mutual holiness.

So take a day and pray as if you are going to stay with him. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you the joys and the pitfalls of being with him, the potential you have for marriage with him, and what it would be like. Then take a day and pray as if you are going to step away for a while. Ask the Holy spirit to show you the ways in which your life would be harder and easier without him in your life. See which way feels more right. Then take some time and just ask God to reveal the direction He wants you to take.

You may feel like you’ve invested a lot of time, or energy with him so far, and you don’t want that to be all for naught. But the more desparate you are to hold on to him at any cost, the more likely you will be to make a serious lifelong mistake. And if he is not the one God would chose for you, you are better off finding that out now, than after you’ve married him. Even if he is the one for you, you both might need distance to clearly see that.

Good luck & God bless.

 

[Sgt_Sweaters]

The only relationship I’ve regretted is the one in which I tried to ignore the same kind of feelings you’re describing. I ended up spending more than 3 months with someone I shouldn’t have been with, compromising more than I should for anyone (spiritually, emotionally, etc.).

 

[wcknight]

For Catholics, we believe (or at least we should) believe that marriage is for life. You get one shot at it, marriage is FOR LIFE, until death do we part. That’s the type of commitment we SHOULD be making, anything less is not good enough. One needs to be as sure as possible of the feelings on both sides.

My gut feeling is that IF you have to ask us, basically total strangers, then this guy is most likely the wrong guy. The guy you should marry is the one that you know you want to stick with no matter what… NOT some one who you wish to change. IF he is not already the guy that you want AS IS, then you need to look elsewhere.

One of the biggest mistakes anyone can make is to go into a marriage thinking that they can mold someone else into the person that they want. It rarely if ever works out that way. For one thing the guy or gal will resent that you did not marry them for who they already were, and for another most folks are very difficult and very resistant to change.
Christ’ s Peace.

 

[stbruno]

Our late Holy Father, wrote a wonderful letter on the Theology of the Body. Unfortunately, it takes scholarly intervention to decipher it adequately. But fortunately some one has done a very good job of it. Christopher West. Pick up a copy of his Explanation of the Theology of the Body. In there, there is a section about fraternal love in a relationship needs to come first. If the only love is concupiscence…sexual love than no real love exists. If your bf says you are my best friend, and that is why I love you …then it is has a greater chance of survival. But if lust is the only thing between you, then you are not getting the love that God intended for this relationship to survive. I can’t tell you the answer to that. You need to talk to him, and if need be, seek Catholic counseling. If you are already considering marriage…consider as part of your marriage prep…FOCCUS…It is an anagram for Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding study. Learn more about it by linking to www.inthespiritofcana.org