How do you reconcile infertility with Catholic faith?

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Hi folks. I would love comments from any of you who experience infertility. I love my faith, the Theology of the Body, the pro-life teachings of our Church through the ages. However, the fact that God has given me unexplainable infertility – the inability to co-create an eternal soul for HIM – is very difficult. Some of my Catholic friends see it as reason to believe my faith is weak, to blame me for deserving God’s retribution. (Apparently they see their own fertility as God’s stamp of approval on themselves?) It is very painful for me to be amongst good Catholic families. I have adopted a special needs child but continue to feel strongly that I do not belong. My faith sustains yet isolates me. Anyone out there have insights?
 
I know an infertile couple. They are two of the best Catholics I have ever known. They both work for the Church, one for the Family Life Office and the other for the Office of Religious Education.

I cannot understand why God would let them be unability to have children because I know they would be excellent parents. But for some reason it just wasn’t in God’s plan for them (of course maybe it will be someday, I don’t know).

I do not believe God punishes anyone by making them infertile. The idea seems very strange to me. There are plenty of lukewarm Catholics who have plenty of kids. Your strength of faith does not determine your fertility. In fact, I think it takes a very strong faith to deal with infertility.

God has blessed you through your adopted child just as he blesses anyone else who has a child. I commend you for your willingness to open your home to another’s child, especially one with special needs.

God bless.
 
Some of my Catholic friends see it as reason to believe my faith is weak, to blame me for deserving God’s retribution.
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Some of your Catholic friends are just plain wrong.

Pray for them.

God does not “reward” us with children, nor “punish” us with the lack. Such thinking is muddle headed slavish “Old Testament” rhetoric at best. Remember, back in the old days they didn’t even know that it was the male who determines the sex of a child–that’s why you’ll read about the kings of history whose wives “didn’t give them sons”.

God bless you for your adoption of a child who needs you.

I hope you have this poem prominently displayed for him or her:
Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it
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marvg:
… Some of my Catholic friends see it as reason to believe my faith is weak, to blame me for deserving God’s retribution. (Apparently they see their own fertility as God’s stamp of approval on themselves?) It is very painful for me to be amongst good Catholic families. I have adopted a special needs child but continue to feel strongly that I do not belong. My faith sustains yet isolates me. Anyone out there have insights?
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Has someone actually suggested this as the cause for your infertility?!?! If so, it has to be one of the most thoughtless, ignorant and cruel statements I have ever heard. It is not something I would ever expect to hear uttered by “good” Catholic families.

There were a number of families in our old parish who could not conceive their own children and adopted. They were models of loving faithfulness to the church and service to others. The gift they gave of sharing their lives and love with their adopted children was beautiful–but make no mistake–none of them viewed any adopted child as less their own or less of a blessing from God than had they conceived and borne the child themselves.
 
We are having the same issues, although we are trying to work through some of it. God has a plan for all of us, but I have no clue just what this is either. I don’t know what your senario is, but unless you’ve gone through all the tests to determine possible problems, all is not lost. You can look for a NFP only doctor at
omsoul.com/nfpdocs.php
And possibly contact the Pope Paul VI institute to find Creighton method doctors in your area. Using the Creighton method, they can attempt to diagnose problems you might be having. This is the most scientific approach I’ve heard about and completely follows the teaching of the church.
popepaulvi.com/

One thing I’ve noticed is that even when you have a clue about what steps God wants you to take next, the path is not always easy and even then you need faith to move forward. Fear and distress over not knowing the whole plan can basically paralize you from action; don’t let that happen. You could still be a parent even if you have to do foster care or adoption. Those are our last choices, but it is always good to know they are there. Pray to God (we’ve been doing the rosary nightly) continue to grow in your faith and be open. It is not easy on the couple individually or as a whole, but there is stregnth in numbers, namely you, your spouse and God…

God Bless,

John
 
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marvg:
Some of my Catholic friends see it as reason to believe my faith is weak, to blame me for deserving God’s retribution. (Apparently they see their own fertility as God’s stamp of approval on themselves?
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:confused: Being barren or infertile does not have to be retribution from God or a sign of weak faith. What an odd thought for Catholics to come up with. In your case it would seem that it led you to adopt a special needs child, which is like a specialized vocation. Hardly a vote of no confidence from God. Quite the opposite.

My only thought is that they read the OT with an eye that sees passages like this below as saying it is bad for a Christian to be barren:
Deuteronomy 7:14 "You shall be blessed above all peoples; there will be no male or female barren among you or among your cattle. 15 "The LORD will remove from you all sickness; and He will not put on you any of the harmful diseases of Egypt which you have known, but He will lay them on all who hate you.
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Some folks get odd notions out of the bible (for a Catholic at least). Perhaps this is what they have done. But you don’t have to!
 
I wish I could give you a big hug! I too have fertility issues. I was told at a very young age that having a child was not in my future. However, my husband and I were blessed with a daughter. We have tried for eight years now to concieve again to no avail. We had many asking us when we were going to have another baby… It seemed constant once our daughter entered Catholic School. It was a constant reminder that I was “broken” somehow. My common answer was that it was in God’s hands. Not that at that time I really beleived that. I thought I did, but I didn’t. It was very tough to go to church functions and not have at least three children following behind.

I went through so many feelings in the last eight years. I am so very thankful for the daughter I have. And yet I felt unfulfilled. I went through asking God for forgiveness for whatever it was that may be I had done. I went through praying, begging, pleading and yes… I found myself questioning God and His will. I put up a very large wall of defense. Finally, after years of this roller coaster, I caught on. I have a thick head! I handed it totally and completely over to God. I know it sounds cliche (sp), but I truely believe that God answered all of my prayers by not anwering them. Or better yet, He answered them His way! He had probably been trying to reach me all those years, but I wouldn’t listen because He was not answering the way I wanted. A friend of mine gave me the serenity prayer on what looks like the size and shape of a credit card. It really helped. It helped me realize that I needed to give it to God! I have kept it ever since.

I did not and do not believe that my faith is weak, nor do I believe infertility was or is God’s retribution. My husband and I took it as a signal that God had something else in mind for us. And as it turned out He did. We are now foster parents. It may seem strange to think about it this way, but these kids come to us, if you will, “broken” in a sense. And it is through them that God has helped heal my heart. The children, my husband and I all heal, learn and grow together. We are our own special kind of family. We couldn’t be more blessed.

Your faith and He will sustain you! Do not give up! Give it up to God! He will take care of you. Sometimes we just need to let go and let God do his work. Forget about the comments from others, turn a deaf ear on the wrongful judgements people lay on you. Talk to your priestor call Catholic Charities. Losing faith is what I was trying to do for many years. I found out that I needed to do just the opposite. I needed to strenghthen my relationship with God… Not slowly close the door.

I will pray that God bless you and keep you close in His arms.
 
One thing I can suggest is to find the reason you are infertile. I know you said it’s “unexplained”. I had the same thing happen to me. I had my babies, and all of sudden, couldn’t get pregnant again for anything. Finally I put all my symptoms together and found that I have hypothyroidism, and a symptom of that is unexplained infertility! So one little pill cured everything that was wrong with me.

What I am saying is that your infertility may not be what you think it is. There may be something causing it, and by curing THAT, you are well within the Catholic guildines for “curing” infertility.
 
Thanks all for your replies. Thought I would add here that I HAVE done all the testing, worked with an NFP-only doctor and the Pope Paul VI institute. No answers. No more places to go within moral limits.

It is true, there is much healing in adoption, even when the child has great emotional issues as in my case, and every day that we get through together is a victory. My son is very much MINE whether or not others trouble themselves with the fact that he is not a biological child. I love him, rain or shine.

While my conclusion is that God has chosen a different path for my husband and I, I still am without peace with this issue. My experience is largely that I do not belong with the Catholics around me, both lay persons or priests. It is uncomfortable. I have chosen the vocation of wife but am unproductive within it. Even if this is God’s will it troubles me so. Family and children are at the center of the meaning of Catholic life – so that we can exist for Him, to know and to love Him. In recent times it seems we have also lost our financial ability to adopt more children. I am just looking for reason and meaning, and a place within the church that I can fit in. THanks.
 
I also dealt with infertility for many years, had miscarriages but was never able to carry a child to term. During this time, oddly enough, I worked on pediatrics and we would often get children in the hospital who would be abused. It was very difficult.

We now have two adopted children, both received as infants. My husband and I wanted more, but due to financial constraints were unable to. This was also difficult.

I understand how you might feel in some Catholic circles of women who have many children and don’t understand the pain of longing for a child, or another child. However, I’m sure there are women at your Church who are also going through what you are going through – it’s just not something that is easily shared with others. For some reason we feel inadequate as women because we can’t have children, and sometimes we feel ashamed. (Maybe you could start a support group for women dealing with infertility issues at your parish?)

But, God made us as we are. We are His masterpieces, as it says in Isaiah 49! He has a purpose for us, and He will fulfill the longings of our hearts if we let Him!

It might not come as we wish, but we can “mother” other children in our lives – children in the neighbordhood, maybe through teaching religious education or volunteering at a hospital.

Our Mother Mary had only one child, and she is the best Catholic mother ever!

While I know it’s hard, just lay your burdens at the feet of Our Lord. Talk with our Mother Mary. They long to help you through this difficulty.

Over the last five years I have been dealing with serious chronic illness. At the time it began, my children were 6 and 10. Still young, but old enough to understand when I needed to rest and to be able to go to a neighbor’s house for awhile if needed. If I had a child any younger than six, this time would have been even more difficult. God knew this in His infinite wisdom.

A long time ago I read somewhere that **“Faith is believing in advance what only makes sense in reverse.” ** Trust that God knows what is best for you. Trust that He knows your heart. Trust that you are His child, and He loves you more than you can imagine!

You are in my prayers.
 
marvg,

My heart goes out to you. I deeply empathize with your feelings. I am an adoptive parent also. We have 3 children. Our family is transracial. From the time I was a child, I knew I could “change the world” by being a good mother. When it became clear shortly after my husband and I married (we used NFP, so within 6 months we knew there was a problem----yay NFP), that we could not have a baby, we began a 61/2 year long road of infertility testin, surgery, etc. , I fell into despair. Although our infertility reason was discovered, it is one that is not easily treatable with moral means.
After much prayer, we chose to adopt.
When I homeschooled, it seemed every month another mom would become pregnant. I know the moms were happy and the children they were raising would be raised in a happy/holy family, they just seemed to take it in stride that they would be blessed with children. They would talk about “planning” when the next child would come, etc. Many times they would seem ungrateful with their blessings or look on having children as some sort of production line. I would hold back my tears until I got home.
I wanted more children so badly, that I started feeling jealous and angry. I kept praying for more children—the natural way or through adoption. Financially, it was not feasible (and still is not) to adopt more children.
One day, while praying in front of The Blessed Sacrament, I looked down at my 3 beautiful children. I realized that God HAD answered my prayers. I felt truly like God had given me the cross of infertility, so that I could have them and somehow help others. Instead of praying for more kids, I realized I needed to appreciate the ones I have----they can change the world. I now ask God to do HIS will for my life and slowly, I am becoming more at peace.
In the Catechism, under infertility, it talks about how God is compassionate towards infertile couples and understands their pain. Reading that also brought me comfort.
God Bless You. I hope these ramblings help you in some small way. You and your husband are in my prayers.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
My wife and I are an infertile couple. She can become pregnant, but loses the foetus in the first trimester. According to the fertility doctors we have consulted over the years, becoming pregnant would also pose a significant risk to her health and well being.

We could use an alternative route, in vitro, my sperm in another woman’s body (host), but we have deliberately chosen not to. We could also adopt, and we have chosen not to do that. We prefer to willingly remain a childless couple. We both are engaged in fulfilling careers, and we live out our faith by actively participating in and serving our communities.

It is not the be all and end all to have children. Some couples prefer not to have any. They need not be ostracized for choosing to do so.

As Bishop Carlson and others have said, the “face of Americas families is changing for the better.”
 
In addition to all of the fine answers already given, please keep in mind that we are all given our crosses to bear. How we handle those crosses determines our place in the afterlife. If I am asked to jump 2 feet and you are asked to jump 5 feet, you have a more difficult task but you also have the opportunity to accomplish more than I do.

The same is true with the croses given to us in life, the greater the cross, the greater the opportunity.
 
Sir Knight:
In addition to all of the fine answers already given, please keep in mind that we are all given our crosses to bear. How we handle those crosses determines our place in the afterlife. If I am asked to jump 2 feet and you are asked to jump 5 feet, you have a more difficult task but you also have the opportunity to accomplish more than I do.

The same is true with the croses given to us in life, the greater the cross, the greater the opportunity.
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How beautiful, Sir Knight!
 
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marvg:
Hi. Some of my Catholic friends see it as reason to believe my faith is weak, to blame me for deserving God’s retribution. (Apparently they see their own fertility as God’s stamp of approval on themselves?) ?
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your so-called friends have an unbalanced and false view of God’s gifts and the actions of faith. faith does not “purchase” or entitle one to any of God’s gifts. His gifts are freely given and part of his own plan. they are withheld as well according to his plan. He allows evils to befall us, but the source of all evil is sin and Satan, but God allows us to suffer these evils because through His action they are occassions of astounging graces and goodness for us, and paths directly to union with God.
 
I’m so sorry some of your friends have said it’s your fault! The only simple explanation I can think of is this:

Children are a gift from God, and so are many other things in life. God didn’t choose that particular gift for you- as much as you might want it. I’d love the gift of a vocation in my family, but God may not choose to give it.

God bless you for your faithfulness to the teachings of the Church.
–KCT
 
Diseases and medical conditions are not normally God’s punishment, let alone revenge, for anything. Besides, if you are a Catholic seriously taking your faith, how could you have done something as grave as to deserve such a punishment without even noticing it?

Look how Pope John Paul II suffered and try to imagine him doing anything to deserve that. Every suffering has some sense, some point. Perhaps the role of your suffering is to let you experience the charity in adopting a child, especially one with special needs? God bless you for your charity.
 
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