How do you split up holidays among family/inlaws?

[EnglishTeacher]

You will never make everyone happy, so you must do what’s best for your nuclear family.

I agree.

My husband’s family member who was hurt/upset by our decision to spend this Christmas out of town was further very upset by the fact that this was a “unilateral decision” made by my husband and me without consulting anyone else. (This was said to my husband, not to me.) However (dare I say it), I don’t think that we have any obligation to “consult” anyone else. We let them know our plans over a month in advance and offered to celebrate/host Christmas with them on another day. We were kind and non-confrontational about it (although I must say I had no idea it was going to turn into this big of a deal; I just assumed that they would realize that we might not always be able to spend every Christmas there).

 

[Usige]

I agree.

My husband’s family member who was hurt/upset by our decision to spend this Christmas out of town was further very upset by the fact that this was a “unilateral decision” made by my husband and me without consulting anyone else. (This was said to my husband, not to me.) However (dare I say it), I don’t think that we have any obligation to “consult” anyone else. We let them know our plans over a month in advance and offered to celebrate/host Christmas with them on another day. We were kind and non-confrontational about it (although I must say I had no idea it was going to turn into this big of a deal; I just assumed that they would realize that we might not always be able to spend every Christmas there).

Sounds like you handled it like a pro.

My sister, brother and I all got married within about 5 years of each other. It took my mom a little to accept that we had other commitments, but it wasn’t a complete shock to her. She’s from a family of 4 and my dad was one of 7 so she was used to the split intellectually, but did seem more sad the first couple years when there was an “empty space” at the table. It helped that she gets along with my wife and brother and sister in laws. She kinda adopted them so even if my sister and brother-in-law aren’t there she still has her “adopted kids” in my wife and sister-in-law.

Most families eventually work it out. Part of its that letting go of your kids. I don’t know if you and your spouse are only children or from small families, but I do think it makes it harder if it’s your only kid. That is why we invite my father-in-law and his curent wife over so that it’s not like they lose my wife.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree.

My husband’s family member who was hurt/upset by our decision to spend this Christmas out of town was further very upset by the fact that this was a “unilateral decision” made by my husband and me without consulting anyone else. (This was said to my husband, not to me.) However (dare I say it), I don’t think that we have any obligation to “consult” anyone else. We let them know our plans over a month in advance and offered to celebrate/host Christmas with them on another day. We were kind and non-confrontational about it (although I must say I had no idea it was going to turn into this big of a deal; I just assumed that they would realize that we might not always be able to spend every Christmas there).

I agree that you handled it just fine.

Someone just ran into the reality that the extended family does not rule its members in a top-down fashion. There is no Family Parliament that had to give your husband and you permission to make your own Christmas plans. If this is a change from past precedent, you made the arrival of the “new order” known in plenty of time.

It is best when your relatives reach this realization before you have children. It will be a good precedent for all the other legitimately independent decisions you make over the years. After all, your family will only be protected by healthy boundaries if you decide what yours are, point them out to others and then enforce them.

I don’t doubt that your husband’s relative was upset, but actually expecting that the rest of the family is supposed to let their plans revolve around what will meet your emotional approval is not a mature expectation. Knowingly using the expression of hurt feelings to get your own way in decisions that are not yours to make is manipulative.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think all engaged couples should be advised on managing relatives expectations for Christmas. In my work place loads of my colleagues are falling out with their families over Christmas arrangements.

I also second the above that men should communicate with their parents and not expect their wives to be emotion caretakers for them.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Two thoughts that may be helpful.

Invite everyone, inlaws , siblings to your home for a least one major holiday. For my family it’s Christmas. If you don’t have room for stay overs and they have to stay in hotels. That’s ok too.

Second, extend the holiday celebration to the following weekend. “Mom we can’t come Christmas day but we will be able to come Friday and stay the whole weekend with you.”