How does an affair, emotional or physical...happen?

[Liberanosamalo]

Very true, Cecilia. Very true.

 

[paradoxy]

:newidea: I HAVE THE SOLUTION!!! :newidea: (to the ‘problem’ of opposite-sex friends)

Or, rather, the Church does (EO at least, and I’m sure I’ve read about it in Western medieval and Renaissance literature too, so it’s probably an old Catholic thing too).

Bear with me.

My FIL told me about an old custom that was still in existence in his very traditional, patriarchal and no-nonsense place of birth. His own father had a ‘sister-in-God’ - a very close female friend with whom he became a spiritual sibling through a Church ritual, before God, a priest and witnesses. (You could, of course, do this with a friend of the same sex as well.)

Then they were like family. The families visited each other and their children thought of each other as cousins. The idea of anything improper happening between siblings-in-God was even more shocking, disgusting and abominable than the idea of biological incest.

What do you think? Could the reinstitution of this practice solve the problem?

 

[wisdom_3_5]

Another element that I think is more universal to affairs is that the cheating spouse has not learned to be a whole person, and they are looking for someone to fufill them. They tried being with the spouse and that didn’t “fix” them…they bounce to another person hoping that will help. It won’t. The hole is inside their own psyche. Another human won’t fill it.

Very insightful! The people that I know who have had affairs all have family of origin problems (I know we all have wierd families and relationships in our families, but some are more dysfuctional than others).

Of the men I know the fathers were absent, either gone completely or workaholics that were around rarely.

Of the women, they were “daddy’s little girl” types but didn’t get enough self-esteem from their mothers.

The ones who have sought counseling to better understand themselves have done remarkably well in turning their lives around. The ones that haven’t seem to be sinking deeper. Counseling is merely a tool. The person has to be willing to change.

 

[cecilia97]

Very insightful! The people that I know who have had affairs all have family of origin problems (I know we all have wierd families and relationships in our families, but some are more dysfuctional than others).

Of the men I know the fathers were absent, either gone completely or workaholics that were around rarely.

Of the women, they were “daddy’s little girl” types but didn’t get enough self-esteem from their mothers.

The ones who have sought counseling to better understand themselves have done remarkably well in turning their lives around. The ones that haven’t seem to be sinking deeper. Counseling is merely a tool. The person has to be willing to change.

I think you’re absolutely right…I’ve experience counseling twice now. With my ex, who did not want to participate, it was an abysmal failure. Now by myself, really putting into the process, I’m getting so much out.

And like you say, my family of origin is certainly not perfect, but compared to my ex…whew! And it doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, but no one has done the work of dealing with the damage, so they continue to suffer from it. I believe my ex did not rebel at the proper time because his family was being torn apart in his teens and he stepped up to be the “adult” and hold things together. That’s admirable. But letting the effects of it ruin your marriage is just sad. I still believe effort (on both parties parts) and prayer can solve most marriage problems.

 

[hasikelee]

I think you’re absolutely right…I’ve experience counseling twice now. With my ex, who did not want to participate, it was an abysmal failure. Now by myself, really putting into the process, I’m getting so much out.

And like you say, my family of origin is certainly not perfect, but compared to my ex…whew! And it doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, but no one has done the work of dealing with the damage, so they continue to suffer from it. I believe my ex did not rebel at the proper time because his family was being torn apart in his teens and he stepped up to be the “adult” and hold things together. That’s admirable. But letting the effects of it ruin your marriage is just sad. I still believe effort (on both parties parts) and prayer can solve most marriage problems.

That’s very insightful! I’ve heard warnings from others about how you shouldn’t marry a man before he goes to graduate school and how you shouldn’t help with the finances, because he will use you through school then “rebel” and find a real woman to marry.

I wonder if this is the same thinking?

 

[kage_ar]

That’s very insightful! I’ve heard warnings from others about how you shouldn’t marry a man before he goes to graduate school and how you shouldn’t help with the finances, because he will use you through school then “rebel” and find a real woman to marry.

I wonder if this is the same thinking?

That sounds lime it comes from a very jaded, cynical, materialistic person.

Marry someone who loves God more than he/she loves you. Marry someone who also understands the sacrament of marriage. Marry someone who shares your faith, values, and life outlook.

Things like graduate school are nice, but, they do not help get you to heaven. A holy spouse will

 

[cecilia97]

That sounds lime it comes from a very jaded, cynical, materialistic person.

Marry someone who loves God more than he/she loves you. Marry someone who also understands the sacrament of marriage. Marry someone who shares your faith, values, and life outlook.

Things like graduate school are nice, but, they do not help get you to heaven. A holy spouse will

I tried to post last night but it dissapeared somehow. The ex-spouse I posted about before had indeed been to graduate school. That doesn’t make a bit of difference. Even age doesn’t make a difference if they still haven’t been through their rebellion stage. If either spouse has issues from their past that they have not faced, there will be rocky spots in the marriage. You can get through the rocky spots if both of you are willing to do the work. If only one of you is willing, the prospects are not good.

There is a theory I’ve heard, though, about doctor’s spouses who help the doctor get through med school, etc. The theory is that these spouses sometimes get left behind afterward because the doctor gets to the “successful” stage and wants to forget the bad, lean times. I think Lance Armstrong did a similar thing with his first wife who helped him beat cancer. Just a theory.

 

[Gertabelle]

So how does this happen? I’m not talking about the more popular situations where one person is just out to get whatever he/she wants (or perhaps has a sex addiction?) Rather, I am wondering how a person seemingly unknowingly walks into an emotional affair, such as at work or school.

It seems not only is the spouse hurting, but so is the poor guy/gal who is doing it!

I see from your ticker that you are engaged to be married. So I wondered if this is a concern for you about your future marriage.

I think Orion’s comment below says it all in a nutshell:

The lesson here is what the Church teaches about how a life of venial sins can so damage the soul that they become in effect mortal. The acts (and non-acts) of the wife were mortally wounding the marriage long before the husband committed his wound.

In other words, the sacrament of marriage begins at the saying of the vows. The sacrament continues is daily vigilance – it is a discipline of remembering who you are in Christ and in your marriage, putting your spouse ahead of yourself, and avoiding even venial sins in your marriage. You’ll still have them, of course. But if you continually recognize them as sins, make amends, and celebrate and enjoy the growth you experience as a couple, your put a buffer of spiritual protection around you and your spouse.

I speak as the one who cheated, and it all began as a professional relationship. But like others here have said, we both began to share thoughts and feelings, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, that we should have brought to our spouses, not each other. Neither of us was a Christian at the time, and it was easy to justify our getting closer – we saw all morality as relative.

When I returned to the Church I made a good confession, and I now see things completely differently – thanks be to God!

I’ll keep you and your intended in my prayers. Just remember that marriage only begins with the wedding day. Plan for the marriage through prayer and frequent reception of the sacraments. It’s not the speaking of vows that protects a marriage from infidelity – it is an ongoing commitment of time and energy – daily practices of love and forgiveness and praying together.

God bless you.
Gertie

 

[Guitar]

by a deliberate, conscious, active free-will choice on the part of two people to break vows, put their own “needs” and desires ahead of any other consideration, and to push the envelope to see just how many people they can hurt in how many ways. There is a always a point where each party says “I know this is wrong, I know why it is wrong, but I am going to sit hear until I can dream up some excuses, justifications, rationalizations and convince myself it is right.” That is the point where the mortal sin is committed.

Sometimes people have affairs because they go out looking for them. Sometimes people end up having affairs when they were genuinely not looking for them. They still ultimately choose to, but it begins in a different way.

If you are trying to chat someone up, you are tuned in for any little sign that an attraction is developing. I believe it can happen that two people who don’t see themselves as “in the market” for a new relationship simply don’t notice danger signs because they are not tuned in for them. (How many of us have been surprised when a would-be suitor confesses feelings we knew nothing about, but once aware, we look back and see hints that should have alerted us?) This is exacerbated in cases where opposite-sex friendships have never been an issue - when people are from families where neither parent had any such friendships and it’s just never been “on the radar”, so no one is on their guard. Then comes something like an illness or a job transfer where something unpleasant happens to one of the friends or they are suddenly separated, and awareness finally hits them that a very strong bond has formed.

From that point on, a decision to proceed is as you describe it, but in answering the OPs question of how do they happen, I think it sometimes does “happen” this way to people who ultimately choose to do evil but did not set out looking for it. And I agree with the above post that the “little” sins and problems in a marriage would certainly make it harder to walk away from such a relationship.