I hear you. I deal with depression and anxiety and I often feel disgusted and sick of myself too.
I take comfort in the teaching of our faith which tells us that our sufferings are helping to sanctify us and others as well. I don’t know if you’re able to pray right now. I think a good thing to do, if you can, would be to take a few moments each day and offer up your mental sufferings to the Lord for the conversion of souls and the reparation of sins, your own sins and the sins of others. I do that several times a day and it helps to give a sense of meaning to my sufferings.
Also, remember that because of our close connection in Holy Communion Jesus knows exactly how you feel. I once read that because of the Eucharist, Jesus’ Incarnation, in a sense, continues on. In his time on earth he suffered greatly, but his experience of life, in his human nature, was limited to what he experienced. However, because of the Eucharist he continues to experience human life in all its shapes and forms. So he shares all the experiences of us modern people, in a very intimate way. It is his desire to continue to experience human life, but now, through his disciples, and to suffer along with us.
So because of our communion with him, he knows what it’s like to sit in traffic and be stressed out because of work, family and the illness of a child or elderly parent. He knows what it’s like to suffer from cancer and the effects of chemotherapy. And yes, he knows what it’s like to suffer from mental health struggles. We are allowing him to continue to experience all of what it means to be human, mental pain and all. He values and cherishes that pain especially when we offer it to him for the sake of our conversion and the conversion of others. In fact, that is when we are most like him, when we can muster the energy and the love to think of others when we are suffering.
Hang in there and I’m sure things will get better soon. I know in my own experience things have gotten better when I least expected. Ultimately, it’s all temporary. I often remind myself that everything is only temporary.
I love this quote that I found. St. Catherine of Siena says that God told her: “No pain will be so much rewarded, as mental pain and labour of the heart; for these are the greatest pains of all and therefore worthy of the greatest fruit.” So yes, God knows how difficult mental pain is. I truly believe that God knows exactly what you’re going through and he is not disgusted with you.
God Bless you and you’ll be in my prayers!
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