How far does forgiveness go?

[birgit]

i have recently found out that my husband comitted a terrible sin, even thou i know i should hate him and everybody would condem him for it, i have chosen to help him and stay by his side through recovery…he is very remorseful and has cried for hours over his wrong doing, begged for forgiveness and the help to get better.He has always been a good Man and Provider for his family but i’m afraid that part of my family will condem me for forgiving. I admit i struggle with guild over seemingly choosing his side but i feel i would not do the right thing if i abandoned him in his greatest time of need…am i wrong, am i making it too easy on him??? I did tell him thou that healing starts by facing all his inner demons that caused him to do this act and it will set him free to start a newer and stronger, spiritually healthier life. Am I too forgiving???

 

[SMHW]

I don’t think you can be too forgiving. Especially if the other person is remorseful.

The question you should be asking is if you are setting exceptable boundaries for the relationship.

If your husband has done something illegal that has hurt someone then you should not be covering for him. If he has been unfaithful in some way then (IMO) have the right to demand that he mend his ways if he wants to live with you as a husband. If he’s unwilling to demonstrate his remorsefulness then he probably isn’t sorry for what he’s done; he’d just be sorry that he got ‘caught’.

But understand that if you chose to support him that means you accept the consequences of whatever he’s done. For example, if he broke a law you need to share the pain of fines, restitution, or jailtime. If he fathered a child with another women you would need to accept the time and financial obligations he would owe to the child. And this means that you have to be strong when anyone suggests you are foolish or making a mistake for forgiving him.

 

[birgit]

birgit:

i have recently found out that my husband comitted a great sin, even thou i know i should hate him and everybody would condem him for it, i have chosen to help him and stay by his side through recovery…he is very remorseful and has cried for hours over his wrong doing, begged for forgiveness and the help to get better.He has always been a good Man and Provider for his family but i’m afraid that part of my family will condem me for forgiving. I admit i struggle with guild over seemingly choosing his side but i feel i would not do the right thing if i abandoned him in his greatest time of need…am i wrong, am i making it too easy on him??? I did tell him thou that healing starts by facing all his inner demons that caused him to do this act and it will set him free to start a newer and stronger, spiritually healthier life. Am I too forgiving???

 

[ConcernCatholic]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sticking by your husband. My husband lost his job due to looking at porn on his work computer. He has no idea why he took such a stupid risk. He had a history of looking at stuff on the home computer but I took over the computer and monitored it so it drove him to do it at work. I was completely humiliated and devastated and it took me a long time to get over it. I handled it by basically issuing an ultimatum. I would stand by him if he was serious about conquering his demons. He was very sorry for what he did and it took a slap in the face like losing his job to realize just how bad the demons were. I stood by him but he had to change his behavior immediately. To this day, I will ask him when the last time he looked at any of that filth and he still says the last day he was at that job. I definitely keep him accountable. If your husband is serious about facing his demons and moving forward, then it is your duty as his wife to support him.

 

[Tinkerbell]

For me it would depend on the sin he committed. If it was porn, affair, petty crime, drugs I probably could forgive if he is remorseful and got lots of help. If he is a child molester or rapist he would be out the door. I don’t care how much crying or pleading he did.

 

[puzzleannie]

forgiveness does not mean condoning the wrongdoing, it does not mean being an enabler or an accessory after the fact, it does not mean being codependent, and it certainly does not mean absolving the other person from their sin–only a priest in confession can do that. forgiveness does not mean lying to the offender and denying the wrong he has done, and it does not mean protecting him from the effects of his crime or sin. It does not mean perverting the course of civil justice, and it certainly does not mean denying the moral and civil rights of the victim. Real forgiveness begins with honesty, confronting and naming the situation for what it is. As long as you are in denial there can be no true forgiveness. If the wrongdoing continues, and you know about it, and fail to protect any innocent victim you are an accessory and share guilt with the perpetrator.

 

[Little_Mary]

There is no such thing as being too forgiving.

Aside from that, I can only tell you this from experience - sometimes it is hard to accept forgiveness. If one is truly remoresful and hasn’t forgiven him/herself for the sin committed - it is difficult to accept forgiveness from others. However, it is not harmful. Just hard to take something you don’t feel you deserve.

Continue to tell him he is forgiven - and then focus on the task at hand - that is correcting whatever wrong was committed as much as practical to do so -

So be practical, as another poster suggested, (puzzleannie), but continue to show him love. He needs that right now.

Just my $0.02

 

[Fitz]

birgit:

Am I too forgiving???

There is no such thing. You are expected to stand by him unless he is abusing you or your children. My good friend did and her marriage survived and thrived. Don’t overlook getting the necessary help or it will not work. You can’t tell your family all that is involved. They are not to judge. If they interfere they could ruin their relationship to you. I will say a prayer for your healing.

 

[SemperJase]

birgit:

He has always been a good Man and Provider for his family but i’m afraid that part of my family will condem me for forgiving. I admit i struggle with guild over seemingly choosing his side

“Choosing his side” is ominous words.

If this was a sin against you, then your family doesn’t need to know about it and there is no reason to tell them.

However, you words indicate this was something done to someone else. If it was (especially something like sexual assault), then people will justifiably wonder about your judgement and why you are sticking with him. Other things can be equally as serious like illegal drugs. You mentioned that he provided for “family” makes me think you have children. If so, is it wise to keep them in that environment? Child protective services may also want to know about that question.

At any rate, forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. Some “mistakes” mean that for safety, you have to seperate yourself and your children for all of your protection.