How hard should it be?

[kaymon]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

 

[kaymon]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

 

[underacloud]

I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory.

This is a real concern. Communication is the foundation of any marriage, and if one person is unwilling to communicate, it just won’t work as it should. Don’t underestimate the importance of this.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

I tend to think that when you reach the point of “thinking seriously about ending” it, it’s almost certainly time to move on. Or at least, as you allude to, consider other options.

It’s really no one else’s place to tell you what to do, but your post seems to suggest you’re leaning a certain way and just need to overcome some inertia.

 

[me_alone]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

I’m a single dad in my early fifties and have been 10 years on my own recently I dated a Catholic lady thinking she might be the one. After having dated her a while I began to discover the same problems you describe like her being dismissive of any feelings I expressed. The one thing that made me choose to stop dating her was her luke warmness of the faith. Her not agreeing with teachings of the church etc.

I think its better to stick to your faith and especially be careful of people who are dismissive of how you feel and think.

I understand your loneliness I’m in the same situation but stick to your guns and offer it up to God. Carry your cross and get as close to God as you can. He puts these trials in front of us for a reason do your best to pass the test.

I know only to well how hard it is to find someone or to find the right one and God understands your hurt.

 

[Caroline723]

Is the ‘uncomfortable territory’ about him and his past choices in life? I could see why he might be unwilling to discuss, if he feels criticized. And I found it a bit odd that you don’t say if you love him. Are you in this relationship because it might be your last chance at love?

I worked for someone for 13 years who sounds a bit like your fellow. This guy made some bad decisions and lost a million dollar successful business over it. He still doesn’t quite see his own culpability, but views the downfall of his business as mostly due to external factors. But he is also the most generous, forgiving, positive-thinking person I know. He refuses to stay angry, to hold grudges, or to focus on the past. And he is a wonderful husband and father, from what I observed.

My best suggestion would be for you to sit down and write a two column list of his faults and attributes. When you are done, read it over. Can you accept this person as he is, without expecting him to change? If so, then talk to him about going for a few sessions of couples counseling for you both to learn how to communicate.

 

[Isca]

Hi OP,

My only advice fwiw would be to ask yourself “Do I really love this man?” If you don’t, then don’t settle for less. Hope it works out for you.

 

[Starrsmother]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

Let me just say this–and only you can be he judge. I’ve been married 46 years. At 17 I married a 20 year old man on his way to Vietnam. He had been raised in the First Christian church, and frankly he converted ONLY so my parents would sign to let us marry before he left–as I was under age. We disagreed on many issues as I found out over the years. He still thinks that going to Confession is a bit silly. However, I love him dearly, he is a good man, husband and father, we have 5 grown kids and I think that God put us together for a reason. He is my “project” in life, if you will. My job is to help bring him to total Catholicism–and his is to teach me tolerance and not to take myself and views so seriously. Do you and your boyfriend agree on the big issues? Do you love him? If so, he may be the job that God is giving you on this earth. So he doesn’t see the causes of his first divorce as you do–you weren’t there. It’s amazing the changes that a loving, committed, married partner can make in their partner’s life. Believe me–I know. God didn’t make any 2 people alike in understanding or anything else. Marriage–if you truly love each other–is what often brings the wonderful changes about that lead you both to God in ways you just can’t perceive!

 

[Xantippe]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

I kind of hate that quote about relationships being hard work, especially when applied to dating relationships. Sure, there is hard work, but in a good relationship, 90-95% of the time, it should be smooth sailing. It should not be uphill all the way.

It sounds like your guy has good qualities, but that his good qualities and his bad qualities are closely related. If you love him madly, I’d give it a year to see if he can hold it together for that long and if he’s making substantial progress. (But don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing, unless he proposes or something.)

1. Do a personal finance class together (for instance Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) and talk about your finances together (without combining them, of course). If you don’t feel comfortable and safe talking to him about your finances after two years, go ahead and break up and stay broken up. You should see him making substantial progress and sticking with the program.
2. Can he stay in the same job (or get a better one) for a year?
3. Is he being an adequate father, given his circumstances? Does he flake out on visitation, birthday gifts, or Christmas presents?

And of course, if you do decide to get married, go for the super deluxe marriage prep package (not the weekend express version), so you have lots of chances to talk about the sessions in between sessions. I would even consider doing some paid marriage counseling, particularly about step-kid issues. You should probably read 2 or 3 books about the step family, talk to your boyfriend and counselor about your reading.

Best wishes!

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m you age and single as well. I can honestly say that life can throw you into a financial mess at any time and it’s not always completely our fault. In my case I bought a money pit house. Divorce and child support issues would be costly to anyone. All that said if you have doubts after 2 years it’s probably best to end it. If you dilly dally around as to want to do that’s not fair to either you or him. I would go with your gut feeling on the issue. Don’t stay with someone just because you think you’ll never find someone else that’s not fair to either of you. Sometime we might really love someone but it’s not the right time or the right place. Maybe step back and be friends for awhile and see if he can pull things together but if he’s not what your looking for it’s kindest to end things now rather than have serious regret and more hurt later. Prayers.

 

[Musician]

I would think that after two years you’d be crazy in love with him - and you don’t sound as though you are! That alone is reason enough to be very cautious.
His financial problems are a big concern as is the fact that he is a father with an unstable work history.
Please don’t stay with someone because there aren’t that many fish in the sea. God has a plan for you. Follow your God-given instincts and hold to His hand. He will guide you in whatever decision you make.
I will pray for you.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

A woman should not marry a man thinking she can change him, that usually doesn’t work out the way she wants it to. She needs to accept him as he is … or move on.

To the OP: you’ve known your boyfriend for two years; you need to accept that what you have seen is in all likelihood what you will get. If you’re close to considering his bad points to be deal breakers, it’s not likely to get better just because you’ve exchanged rings at the altar. If you decide to go forward with this, remember that love is an action that you choose on a daily basis to keep the marriage going.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I need some advice. And prayers! I am a forty-something single Catholic woman with a strong faith and successful career. I’ve never been married. I’ve been dating a Catholic man for about two years, and it’s been wonderful in a lot of ways. We’ve talked seriously about getting married. I had sort of given up on dating and on finding a life partner who shares my faith. I went many years without dating at all. I thought this relationship might be “it” but now I’m not so sure. We might be incompatible in some pretty significant ways.

I know that relationships, and particularly marriage, are HARD WORK. I guess my question is, how hard is it supposed to be? How do you know when to throw in the towel? How much should you be willing to accept and tolerate? I often feel that the man I’ve been dating discounts my thoughts and feelings when they veer into uncomfortable territory. I’ve always been reflective, and, I think, honest with myself. My boyfriend tends to look at the world through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be “fine”. He doesn’t have a stable work history and his financial life is sort of a mess. He had a disastrous first marriage (before becoming Catholic) and he has a child from that marriage, which has been annulled. He’s trying to pull it together, and I’ve been very supportive of that. But I just don’t believe that he tells himself the truth about why he is where he is. He’s made some poor choices, but he won’t really own up to his part in them.

I’m thinking seriously about ending the relationship, or at least dating other people. But I also know that I’m not likely to find many Catholic men to date, especially at my age and where I live. So my vocation may be to be single. I think I can make peace with that, especially if that is God’s will for me. I just don’t want to give up on something before I should.

Thanks for any suggestions, thoughts, prayers. I really appreciate it. I am feeling really confused and alone.

It should not be that hard.

 

[AnneGregor]

As a catholic, our main faith is through God. As long as we prayed for what His plans for us, we will believe that that is what should happen and it is what’s best for us. In my point of view, all you need to do is pray hard for His plans for the both of you. And if in the end, the relationship doesn’t work out, just believe that it is the plan intended for you.

There’s a catholic dating website my friends highly recommend - faithfulmatch.net/

I hope this helps.

Anne Gregor