How have you chosen to raise your children and create a harmonious family life?

[Sarabanda]

I’m not married yet, but I’m very curious as to how all of you, as Catholics, have chosen to raise your children and create a harmonious family life. I understand that for some you may have to actually think, as I’m sure it can come so naturally. For others, I understand that these are things you’ve had to consciously implement in forming a peaceful household. Aside from going to church on Sundays as a family, what other routines do you have? How do you discipline your children? How do you express your love to them? How independent do you let them be? What traditions or rules do you have in the family? What community or support network do you surround yourself with? What values do you place within the family? How important is education or the arts? Is yours a strict, fun[ny], or balanced home? What roles have you set between husband and wife? Lastly, to what source do you attribute these ways, e.g. instints, your parents, books, observation?

I’m so excited to hear all of your responses. No need to answer all of the questions, they are simply examples of what my curiosity entails. I have many other questions aside from these, which I might post later if necessary.

Cheers!

 

[LaSainte]

So far (we have a 1 year old and a 3 yearold, both boys), we have implemented the “natural consequences” rule of raising them. Basically, if they are doing something slightly dangerous, like jumping off the couch or running by the pool, we say “If you do that, xyz could happen.” then, they can either keep doing it and probably get a little bump on the head, or they decide on their own to stop. This way, we aren’t constantly telling them “No! No! No!”, and they are learning to make their own decisions. If they do get hurt, we don’t say “Told ya!”, instead, we offer lots of hugs and comfort and love. They learn that it’s ok to make mistakes and that we are there to help them when they do. This way, as they get older, they have learned to make their own choices without someone constantly telling them what to do (a necessity in college when mom and dad aren’t around all the time and they may have their peers trying to tell them what to do all the time) and they know that if they screw up and make the wrong choice, we are there to help them through it without anger or judgement.
Of course, if it’s something where they could really get hurt or something, then we don’t allow them to do it.

Absolutely no spanking or violence.

So far, so good! Basically, we follow a lot of attachment parenting concepts from Dr. Sears-co-sleeping, self-esteem building, etc. We went out to dinner last night to a very fancy restaurant and 2 seperate tables of people came and told us how wonderful our kids are and how well-behaved they are. So proud

So far, our 3 year old is the sweetest, most compassionate little boy I’ve ever seen. If he gets frustrated with his brother, I just say, “I know you’re frustrated with him rigt now, but he’s going to be your best friend for your whole life, so you need to try to be sweet to each other.” I have never seen 2 little boys who love each other so much. They are always looking out for each other, and if one gets hurt or upset, the other gets very upset too. They are always snuggling and hugging and our 3 year old probably says “I’m lovin’ you” to all of us about a hundred times a day.

I strongly recommend attachment parenting. It’s all about creating an unseverable bond between parents and their kids.

 

[silicasandra]

So far (we have a 1 year old and a 3 yearold, both boys), we have implemented the “natural consequences” rule of raising them. Basically, if they are doing something slightly dangerous, like jumping off the couch or running by the pool, we say “If you do that, xyz could happen.” then, they can either keep doing it and probably get a little bump on the head, or they decide on their own to stop. This way, we aren’t constantly telling them “No! No! No!”, and they are learning to make their own decisions. If they do get hurt, we don’t say “Told ya!”, instead, we offer lots of hugs and comfort and love. They learn that it’s ok to make mistakes and that we are there to help them when they do. This way, as they get older, they have learned to make their own choices without someone constantly telling them what to do (a necessity in college when mom and dad aren’t around all the time and they may have their peers trying to tell them what to do all the time) and they know that if they screw up and make the wrong choice, we are there to help them through it without anger or judgement.
Of course, if it’s something where they could really get hurt or something, then we don’t allow them to do it.

Absolutely no spanking or violence.

So far, so good! Basically, we follow a lot of attachment parenting concepts from Dr. Sears-co-sleeping, self-esteem building, etc. We went out to dinner last night to a very fancy restaurant and 2 seperate tables of people came and told us how wonderful our kids are and how well-behaved they are. So proud

So far, our 3 year old is the sweetest, most compassionate little boy I’ve ever seen. If he gets frustrated with his brother, I just say, “I know you’re frustrated with him rigt now, but he’s going to be your best friend for your whole life, so you need to try to be sweet to each other.” I have never seen 2 little boys who love each other so much. They are always looking out for each other, and if one gets hurt or upset, the other gets very upset too. They are always snuggling and hugging and our 3 year old probably says “I’m lovin’ you” to all of us about a hundred times a day.

I strongly recommend attachment parenting. It’s all about creating an unseverable bond between parents and their kids.

My son is only 20 months, and he has a sibling due in May, but this is similar to the approach we are trying. A good book on attachment parenting from a Catholic perspective is Dr. Greg Popcak’s Parenting with Grace. A lot of books on attachment parenting focus on the infant (since establishing a strong bond early is one of the major components of it) but it doesn’t end then. I like this book because it keeps the attachment parenting theme going up through adolescence AND addresses ways to teach your kids Catholic morals.

Contrary to popular belief, attachment parenting is NOT “let your kids do whatever they want and never punish them” or “be your kids’ best friend.” At first, it can “look” a lot like this because AP says that babies can’t be spoiled - their wants and needs are one and the same. Of course this isn’t true for older kids. But kids who don’t have to scream as infants to get what they actually need are less likely to scream when they are older (I am ignoring the whole toddlers scream anyway for any reason phase ) when they don’t get they want just because they want it. They have reasonable assurance their needs will be met.

(“Attachment parenting” is a fairly new phrase but it’s not a new way of raising kids - my mom, and my grandmother, and my great-grandmother basically did AP. My mom calls it “lazy parenting” - huge investment when children are very young so they are easier later. There were still tough times and mouthy times, but she felt that the bumps were not as bad as they could have been. We four kids have strong relationships with my mom, but not with my dad, who was a strict authoritarian parent who demanded respect but offered little in the way of affection. We mostly grew up terrified of him because we never knew what would offend him and how severely punished we would be. It’s weird to say this, but I am actually thankful he wasn’t around a lot during our formative years because our mom had more control over the discipline, which could be strict but we could rely on her to be fair and we never doubted that she loved us.)

 

[LaSainte]

My son is only 20 months, and he has a sibling due in May, but this is similar to the approach we are trying. A good book on attachment parenting from a Catholic perspective is Dr. Greg Popcak’s Parenting with Grace. A lot of books on attachment parenting focus on the infant (since establishing a strong bond early is one of the major components of it) but it doesn’t end then. I like this book because it keeps the attachment parenting theme going up through adolescence AND addresses ways to teach your kids Catholic morals.

Contrary to popular belief, attachment parenting is NOT “let your kids do whatever they want and never punish them” or “be your kids’ best friend.” At first, it can “look” a lot like this because AP says that babies can’t be spoiled - their wants and needs are one and the same. Of course this isn’t true for older kids. But kids who don’t have to scream as infants to get what they actually need are less likely to scream when they are older (I am ignoring the whole toddlers scream anyway for any reason phase ) when they don’t get they want just because they want it. They have reasonable assurance their needs will be met.

(“Attachment parenting” is a fairly new phrase but it’s not a new way of raising kids - my mom, and my grandmother, and my great-grandmother basically did AP. My mom calls it “lazy parenting” - huge investment when children are very young so they are easier later. There were still tough times and mouthy times, but she felt that the bumps were not as bad as they could have been. We four kids have strong relationships with my mom, but not with my dad, who was a strict authoritarian parent who demanded respect but offered little in the way of affection. We mostly grew up terrified of him because we never knew what would offend him and how severely punished we would be. It’s weird to say this, but I am actually thankful he wasn’t around a lot during our formative years because our mom had more control over the discipline, which could be strict but we could rely on her to be fair and we never doubted that she loved us.)

I am SO buying this book! I love AP. My mom thinks I’m just being lazy too (our 1 year old still nurses through the night and our 3 year old is still in our bed, although Santa is bringing him his own “big boy bed” this year. She thinks I should have let both of them “cry it out” as infants. I was old enough to remember her doing this to my brother. She had to turn the doorknob around and lock it from the outside. He would be laying on the floor, screaming under the door and reaching his little fingers under trying to get out, until he finally passed out on the floor all hot and sweaty. He still hates going to sleep and can’t fall asleep without the tv at age 23.

I told her I’ll stop using AP when it stops working

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

The biggest factor in determining how harmonious one’s home is how you choose to react to what comes at you. It’s a mindset, a way of thinking. All it takes is one kid who - for whatever reason - doesn’t go by the books, an illness, an accident, employment changes, anything big or small (and it’s weird how oftentimes the smallest things turn out to be the most disruptive to home life). How well can you roll with the punches? How flexible are you? How anxious are you at the unknown? Are you able to express your worry or frustration in productive ways? One’s ability to improvise, adapt, and overcome is what, in my experience, creates family harmony.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

The biggest factor in determining how harmonious one’s home is how you choose to react to what comes at you. It’s a mindset, a way of thinking. All it takes is one kid who - for whatever reason - doesn’t go by the books, an illness, an accident, employment changes, anything big or small (and it’s weird how oftentimes the smallest things turn out to be the most disruptive to home life). How well can you roll with the punches? How flexible are you? How anxious are you at the unknown? Are you able to express your worry or frustration in productive ways? One’s ability to improvise, adapt, and overcome is what, in my experience, creates family harmony.

I agree, Resiliency is a very important characteristic. I also learned a lot as a mother as I taught life skills to my kids.

My husband is very routine oriented and I am not. That was OK when there were just the two of us. But our oldest is a lot like dh, so I had to learn to work with routines or deal with a stressed out kid. I’m still much more spontaneous than any one else in my family, but I have discovered that setting and keeping a routine is VERY helpful for running a household, at work, etc.

My kids behaved much better when they knew what to expect. We always prepped them before going anywhere, and we still do as a family to some extent. So something like, “Your cousins will be at grandma’s house so you’ll be able to play outside with them, but we are staying for dinner and they aren’t so when it’s time to come inside you need to use your grown up manners and at least try everything at dinner.” Then we usually didn’t have a meltdown when the cousins left and they had to eat broccoli casserole with liver for dinner.

We would bring books or quiet toys to adult-oriented events. We never expected that they would sit quietly with nothing to do for two hours while we chatted. And we also didn’t expect that our kids were welcome everywhere. We would get a sitter, or not go if necessary, if the invitation didn’t include small kids.

We have always practiced our faith as a family including morning and evening prayers from the time they were babies. Even now, we all pile into the “big bed” for nighttime prayers!

 

[EasterJoy]

I have many brothers and sisters, many nieces and nephews, and children of my own and I know many good solid families at my parish. It helps very much to read books and get feedback in order to avoid common mistakes, it especially helps to know the techniques for communication that is direct without being tactless, it is vital to establish routines that support what is most important to you in order to run a household smoothly, but after that each couple has to find their own way and has to be flexible about accommodating the different temperaments and physiology of the children they get. There are lots of ways to arrive at a peaceful and faith-filled family, but after the basics the ways that this can be accomplished can look very different.

This is an example: Some kids are very amenable to “OK, kids, it’s time to go.” They drop what they’re doing, clean up their mess, and get their coats, no problem. Other kids need a little more of a heads up. With them, if you give them a warning–“Finish up, because we hope to be going in about ten minutes”–before issuing that final “OK…” it makes all the difference in the world. With a third group of kids, if you give them that ten minutes warning and then don’t leave for fifteen minutes instead of ten, they get very upset about that.

The key is to figure out what kind of kids and spouse you have, and to set up your household accordingly. “Routine” can be military or it can be very loose. It can cover the time nearly everything that has to be done or it might mean giving the flexibility and freedom of a broad time slot in which certain tasks have to be accomplished. It depends on your household and who you find yourself living with.

 

[ricofall]

First I want to say that there is no perfect way to be a parent, you have to do what works for your family. The problem with reading books, and listening to experts is that your children will not do the same. I would recommend on whatever you do, think of the long term effects that it will have. FYI: I am a high school teacher so I get to see how different parental strategies work.

AP (attached parenting): Not a fan of it. The problem is not the child, but the parent.

Strict discipline: Not to crazy about that either since as the child gets older, they usually want out of the home as soon as possible, even if it is not in their best interest.

Time outs: We normally use this method, but it does have its limitations as the child gets older.

Spanking as a punishment: Personally I have spanked my daughter on occasion. Some parents will refuse to spank and some use it too much. A quick swat once in a blue moon lets the child know you mean business when all other punishments fail (like time outs, going to your room, quiet time, etc)

However the best students I have usually have involved parents that work with their teachers and knows their child’s friends. They teach their children responsibility and consequences early on. You ever try to instill work/social ethic to a 17 year old that has a missing father and a mother that works two jobs? Few will overcome it, but many will not