How honest should I be to my friend?

[StarFireKK]

I don’t know how honest I should be to my friend. I feel like I’ll end of hurting her feelings either way…

My friend and her husband are separated and on the brink of a divorce. (Let’s call them Sally and Jim.) My husband and I have been friends with both of them for over 10 years. We are aware there are no innocent parties in this divorce (other than Jim’s child from a previous relationship) and we are doing our best to stay out of the crossfire. The problem is Sally had/is having an affair.

Sally is basically being shunned. Every support system she ever had is breaking down. Her brother won’t speak to her, her mother is ashamed of her behavior. She’s living in a sad little apartment which she hardly takes care of. She lost a promotion at work. I visited her last weekend when I was in her town just to check in and she looks more depressed than I have ever seen her.

Sally wants to come visit me and stay at my house. My husband refuses to have her here. He understands my need to be her friend and says he thinks I am being very kind, but he refuses to welcome an adulteress in our home. (How does a wife argue with that? )

Do I tell Sally the truth about why she can’t come visit? Or should I just keep putting her off? Either way I’m going to hurt her feelings.

Please understand I think what Sally is doing is horrible, she’s made mind-boggling bad choices and frankly seems like she’s lost her mind. I don’t want to enable her but I don’t want to abandon her either.

Any advice or perspective would be very much appreciated.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

You are a kind friend and it sounds like a level-headed one as well.

When you mention her missed promotion, was that the result of the adultery or is she making poor decisions in several areas of her life? If it’s poor decision making across the board, it may be that she is breaking trust not only with her spouse, but her other friends and family as well. While I’m sure the shunning and isolation is making her problems worse, it may very well be that this is part of the consequences of her actions. I don’t know that it helps to consider it that way.

Since the topic of her staying with you isn’t up for debate, the next time she mentions a visit,first, pray for the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. He can give us words full of love and compassion when we don’t know what to say.

Is it possible to say “I’d love to see you, but coming to the house isn’t possible” ? If she has any tact, she’ll understand that you are establishing the boundaries you need to maintain this friendship. If she pushes for an explanation, I wouldn’t make it painful, but I wouldn’t hide the truth either. Shielding her from the consequences of her actions (in this case, the fact that she’s not welcome in the house) would enable her. I’d still be praying for the intercession of the Holy Spirit all the while, to guide the conversation.

How she chooses to respond is then up to her. If you continue to seek her out and be her friend, I would like to think any hurt feelings on her end would heal in time and she would value your continued friendship.

 

[DJK100]

I don’t know how honest I should be to my friend. I feel like I’ll end of hurting her feelings either way…

My friend and her husband are separated and on the brink of a divorce. (Let’s call them Sally and Jim.) My husband and I have been friends with both of them for over 10 years. We are aware there are no innocent parties in this divorce (other than Jim’s child from a previous relationship) and we are doing our best to stay out of the crossfire. The problem is Sally had/is having an affair.

Sally is basically being shunned. Every support system she ever had is breaking down. Her brother won’t speak to her, her mother is ashamed of her behavior. She’s living in a sad little apartment which she hardly takes care of. She lost a promotion at work. I visited her last weekend when I was in her town just to check in and she looks more depressed than I have ever seen her.

Sally wants to come visit me and stay at my house. My husband refuses to have her here. He understands my need to be her friend and says he thinks I am being very kind, but he refuses to welcome an adulteress in our home. (How does a wife argue with that? )

Do I tell Sally the truth about why she can’t come visit? Or should I just keep putting her off? Either way I’m going to hurt her feelings.

Please understand I think what Sally is doing is horrible, she’s made mind-boggling bad choices and frankly seems like she’s lost her mind. I don’t want to enable her but I don’t want to abandon her either.

Any advice or perspective would be very much appreciated.

I think that you are doing the right thing. Continue to be her friend. It is curious the she is making so many bad decsions which could be deeply rooted in something else like depression. I do think you should respect your husbands wish in this matter as it sounds like he is very firm on this and to do otherwise would create unnecessary discord in your own marriage. Might I suggest that you and your friend take a little getaway togther. That would allow her the support she is looking for and at the same time would allow you to discuss with her what she is doing to her life and your concerns for her.

 

[grandfather]

I don’t know how honest I should be to my friend. I feel like I’ll end of hurting her feelings either way…

My friend and her husband are separated and on the brink of a divorce. (Let’s call them Sally and Jim.) My husband and I have been friends with both of them for over 10 years. We are aware there are no innocent parties in this divorce (other than Jim’s child from a previous relationship) and we are doing our best to stay out of the crossfire. The problem is Sally had/is having an affair.

Sally is basically being shunned. Every support system she ever had is breaking down. Her brother won’t speak to her, her mother is ashamed of her behavior. She’s living in a sad little apartment which she hardly takes care of. She lost a promotion at work. I visited her last weekend when I was in her town just to check in and she looks more depressed than I have ever seen her.

Sally wants to come visit me and stay at my house. My husband refuses to have her here. He understands my need to be her friend and says he thinks I am being very kind, but he refuses to welcome an adulteress in our home. (How does a wife argue with that? )

Do I tell Sally the truth about why she can’t come visit? Or should I just keep putting her off? Either way I’m going to hurt her feelings.

Please understand I think what Sally is doing is horrible, she’s made mind-boggling bad choices and frankly seems like she’s lost her mind. I don’t want to enable her but I don’t want to abandon her either.

Any advice or perspective would be very much appreciated.

You could tell her that you and your husband are friends with both she and Jim and your husband is unhappy with her betrayal of her husband and would prefere she not stay at your home. You might also tell her that you think she is destroying not only her marriage, but her life and needs spiritual healing before the self destructive behavior spirals further out of control, which it will.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I don’t know how honest I should be to my friend. I feel like I’ll end of hurting her feelings either way…

My friend and her husband are separated and on the brink of a divorce. (Let’s call them Sally and Jim.) My husband and I have been friends with both of them for over 10 years. We are aware there are no innocent parties in this divorce (other than Jim’s child from a previous relationship) and we are doing our best to stay out of the crossfire. The problem is Sally had/is having an affair.

Sally is basically being shunned. Every support system she ever had is breaking down. Her brother won’t speak to her, her mother is ashamed of her behavior. She’s living in a sad little apartment which she hardly takes care of. She lost a promotion at work. I visited her last weekend when I was in her town just to check in and she looks more depressed than I have ever seen her.

Sally wants to come visit me and stay at my house. My husband refuses to have her here. He understands my need to be her friend and says he thinks I am being very kind, but he refuses to welcome an adulteress in our home. (How does a wife argue with that? )

Do I tell Sally the truth about why she can’t come visit? Or should I just keep putting her off? Either way I’m going to hurt her feelings.

Please understand I think what Sally is doing is horrible, she’s made mind-boggling bad choices and frankly seems like she’s lost her mind. I don’t want to enable her but I don’t want to abandon her either.

Any advice or perspective would be very much appreciated.

Sometimes people make their own problems and need to wise up and take responsibility for their actions until she does her problems will only get worse. It also sounds like her behavior hurt a lot of people and they are seriously mad maybe if she apologized to her family for the hurt she caused them it would help heal the breach there. I don’t blame your husband for not wanting her in his house but on the same note I also commend your desire to remain her friend and treat her with Christian charity. There’s really only so much you can do though. She needs to face up to her responsibilities. Is she still involved with this guy? Is she thinking they will make a future together? If so I would move on and find a friend with better morals.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

You are a kind friend and it sounds like a level-headed one as well.

When you mention her missed promotion, was that the result of the adultery or is she making poor decisions in several areas of her life? If it’s poor decision making across the board, it may be that she is breaking trust not only with her spouse, but her other friends and family as well. While I’m sure the shunning and isolation is making her problems worse, it may very well be that this is part of the consequences of her actions. I don’t know that it helps to consider it that way.

Since the topic of her staying with you isn’t up for debate, the next time she mentions a visit,first, pray for the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. He can give us words full of love and compassion when we don’t know what to say.

Is it possible to say “I’d love to see you, but coming to the house isn’t possible” ? If she has any tact, she’ll understand that you are establishing the boundaries you need to maintain this friendship. If she pushes for an explanation, I wouldn’t make it painful, but I wouldn’t hide the truth either. Shielding her from the consequences of her actions (in this case, the fact that she’s not welcome in the house) would enable her. I’d still be praying for the intercession of the Holy Spirit all the while, to guide the conversation.

How she chooses to respond is then up to her. If you continue to seek her out and be her friend, I would like to think any hurt feelings on her end would heal in time and she would value your continued friendship.

I’m going to second this.

OP, you may consider pointing your friend in the direction of a qualified therapist/counselor. From your description she sounds like she’s the midst of a depressive crisis of some description and could use some sound, professional mental health intervention.

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

What if she were a drug addict or an alcoholic? Surely you’d receive her into your home if she were clean and sober, but not unless she was. You can use the same standard here.

You know the story from John 8…“Go, and sin no more.” Tell her that you love her, but cannot in good conscience enable her choice to have an affair outside of marriage. If her marriage is not valid, the time to start a new relationship is after the decree of nullity is reached, not before. In the meantime, she needs to conduct herself as a wife, and if she is divorced, then still not as someone free to marry until she is free to marry.

This does not mean you can’t have a relationship with her at all, but it does mean that she has to know that there will either be an honest relationship in which the inappropriateness of infidelity is out in the open, or none at all. Jesus ate with sinners, but he didn’t pay the price of keeping his mouth shut about what is and is not a sin in order to gain the privelege.

 

[puzzleannie]

I . I don’t want to enable her but I don’t want to abandon her either.

Any advice or perspective would be very much appreciated.

commendable, but how does that translate to bringing her into your home?

listen to your husband

 

[Castello]

Wow.

I’m a bit shocked

Is there a nice Convent or Abbey nearby that has a guest house? I’d find one and invite her to go for a weekend with you. Just the girls, do some spiritual bonding.

Prayers.

 

[Conor7]

I read this post and felt compelled to respond. I don’t think it will be a very popular response, however.

You’re husband is wrong, and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Firstly, it’s neither your, nor your husband’s business and frankly, I’m astounded that we find excuses to not extend charity to one another. We often use righteousness as a guise for our inconvenience. She needs your help regardless of what she has done.

For your husband to say you’re kind, is a gross overstatement, no offense. You wanting to help a friend in need is what any reasonable person would do-- nothing amazing, just everyday, run-of-the-mill friendship. It’s a shame your husband doesn’t see that.

Now, I’m not advocating ruining your own marriage over this, but pack your things and go stay with your friend since she’s not allowed in your home.

And, as much as I hate how cliched this phrase is, honestly, what would Jesus do?