How I relate to my family

[Julie_de_Sales]

I’m in my 20’s and I always thought I had a great family and that my parents and grandparents who raised me did the best they could. I knew they weren’t perfect, but I never doubted their love for me. I wasn’t angry towards anyone, but rather grateful.This all changed 2 years ago when I had some meetings with a mentor and shared my life story with him. It was the first time I became aware that there was also a lot of abuse in my family: verbal, physical and emotional and how much it had impacted me. My struggles with depression and anxiety started to make sense.
I was very upset by this realization and wondered how I couldn’t see it beforehand. I think part of me wanted to protect the image I had initially and push down any painful memories.
Now I’m more at peace about my story but I still struggle to relate to my family members. I can’t understand how someone can be very loving and nurturing on one hand and abusive in other circumstances, especially during hard times. I know we all make mistakes, myself included, but in my mind there is a line you cannot cross when you truly care about someone.
Do you have any thoughts on this?

 

[ChuckB]

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Yes. My thoughts are to question the motives of this “mentor” who persuaded you that your loving family - that you were grateful for - were in fact verbal, physical, and emotional abusers.

 

[Julie_de_Sales]

He didn’t persuade me of this, I came alone to this conclusion. He would only ask me questions that I was free to answer or not but never commented on what I was sharing with him or reacted in any way, the point was to just let me talk. It’s when, for example, I was telling him about my relationship with my father and I had a flashback where I started shaking uncontrollably and it was hard to come out of it. It was a memory I had never processed before.
I wouldn’t qualify my family members as “abusers”, but some of their actions were just that, unfortunately.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

My thoughts are that you should probably discuss your mixed feelings with a counselor or a mental health professional.
I don’t think any of us on here are really in a position to comment because we don’t know you or your family situation and also, you are dealing with mental illnesses that could be worsened by getting comments from strangers on here.

 

[Irishmom2]

I second speaking with a professional counselor, not with your mentor. I don’t know what your mentors credentials or role is in your life (meaning what kind of mentoring) but this could actually be an inappropriate topic of discussion.

Please talk to a counselor to deal with your feelings and to learn how to move forward and still maintain a healthy relationship with your family.

 

[Julie_de_Sales]

Ok, that makes sense.

 

[Legend]

I don’t think any of us on here are really in a position to comment because we don’t know you or your

…neither is a ‘mentor’. I’m not trying to dismiss his ideas completely, but find someone with credentials. A doctor or therapist.

And, of course, God bless!

 

[DarkLight]

I can’t comment a lot, but I can tell you that you’re not alone. I don’t know how much I can attribute it to a single person, but I came to realize a lot of things I’d thought were a normal part of a loving family weren’t.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Something about this story makes me deeply uneasy.

First you’re okay with your family.
Then, you talk to some “mentor”.
Finally, your family are all “abusers”.

Look, maybe you saw them through rosy colored glasses and they really are abusers. Or maybe they’re just ordinary flawed people who made mistakes that are in the realm of ordinary (non abusive) mistakes. Or maybe it was mostly good, but they did a couple nasty things.

There’s no way for us to know.

Unfortunately, there’s no end of arm-chair psychologists and self-help gurus who have more enthusiasm than knowledge who are out there spouting advice.

I’d suggest professional guidance.

 

[Legend]

Yes…see a professional counselor. No more ‘mentors’…at least, don’t rely on them!