How much arguing goes on in your family during get togethers?

[HeWillProvide]

Do your family members argue when they gather for holidays or simply just gather?
What amount of arguing, if any, do you think is normal?
What do they argue about?
Is it friendly bantering or out-and-out arguing?

 

[whatevergirl]

*My husband’s family at times, if they discuss politics, it can get heated, but nothing too bad.

But, growing up, my sister and her husband (now ex) would battle for hours. My sister mainly started the arguments, everything had to be perfect for company that we were having over for dinner. I think the holiday season for some people, can bring tensions that might be there all year within the family dynamic, to the surface. *

 

[kage_ar]

Fun, friendly banter. The rare political disucssion, never a real argument for those over age 10.

 

[lil_flower_luv]

Do your family members argue when they gather for holidays or simply just gather?
What amount of arguing, if any, do you think is normal?
What do they argue about?
Is it friendly bantering or out-and-out arguing?

Tomorrow I know there will be (even if no one has to say anything).

Please pray for us.

 

[dulcissima]

None. Ever. I can’t think of a single instance at any family gathering with any side of my family.

 

[Sarah25]

My family doesn’t really argue any, except for my Grandma and Grandpa It’s quite amusing actually. Usually my Grandma will be carrying on a conversation with one half of the room, and my Grandpa will be carrying on a conversation too, but every now and then if either one hears the other say something they don’t agree with they’ll jump in and say something. One time I remember my Grandma was telling me about some car they had a long time ago, a “champagne” colored car, and my Grandpa goes “Nope, it was beige.” I think they went back and forth arguing about that for 30 minutes all the while my Grandma was still trying to finish her story with my Grandpa interrupting every now and then. And I had to sit there with as straight a face as possible. I’ve always wondered what it’s like when we’re NOT there.

 

[peary]

Do your family members argue when they gather for holidays or simply just gather?
What amount of arguing, if any, do you think is normal?
What do they argue about?
Is it friendly bantering or out-and-out arguing?

When growing up, I remember that all the aunts, uncles, and cousins would go to my Dad’s parents’ home for holidays, such as Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. Those were big-day get togethers for everyone. We would trade off and go to my Mom’s parents’ home too. I don’t remember any arguments of any substance at either.

Usually, drinking starts the argument merry-go-round. But no one drank to the excess as to where an argument was started.

A friend of mine’s family always has an arguement at the holidays, and always for stupid reasons; i.e., twenty years ago, an aunt said something derogatory about another aunt’s kid, or some other stupid idiotic reason where there was much huffing and puffing with half the family leaving early.

No family is perfect. You will always have jerks in the fold. I guess you either learn how to ignore them or inform them beforehand that if they start any arguments, it would be better if they stay home. Who knows?

 

[GrahamAPhone]

None. Ever. I can’t think of a single instance at any family gathering with any side of my family.

same here,
we might debate, but never argue

 

[JesusWept]

Very very rarely. We’ve had many family get-togethers, but I can only recall a couple of times when they’ve erupted into argument.

Usually it’s my dad’s side of the family, and usually it’s just my cousin arguing with his mom over something dumb, like money. My family is very apolitical, so politics never come up in any discussion.

I think every family gets into an argument about something at some point. However, if you’re family is getting into an argument during every get-together, then you may have a problem on your hands.

 

[chevalier]

It’s my impression that some families or some couples just don’t know how to function without arguing. Possibly a pattern dragging on from childhood.

 

[tampagrl]

My side of the family is very superficial, so to argue might actually constitute someone having enough passion about something to get all worked up. We sort of come and go, give the obligatory hugs and chit-chat like you would someone you work with. Anything anyone actually cares about is shoved nicely under the rug where it belongs, until a much later and no doubt inappropriate time where said cares will come out in vicious attacks. Nice, huh?
My husband’s side of the family is quite different. They’re very passionate about all kinds of things and he does have a sibling that’s incredibly difficult to get along with. That sibling is pretty much in control b/c of “his” behavior and “he” knows it, so it’s like everyone walks on egg-shells and no matter how soft the kid gloves may be, “he” goes off and creates some kind of freakish drama to ensure that everyone’s Thanksgiving or Christmas has the appropriate level of anxiety and stress. I’ve learned to just let it roll off. If you don’t care, I mean truly teach yourself not to care, then it won’t bother you. I never ever, ever keep my husband from his family. But he knows how just absolutely exhausting his sibling can be, so HE chooses to stay away some holidays. I’m sure they think it’s me, but again, this is me not caring:

Would I like things to be different? Sure. But the best thing I can do and my husband can do is pray for them and we do. ONLY God can change hearts but if they’re not willing to be open to Him to change, then oh well. I’m not about to spend my life dealing w/someone else’s crazy; I’ve got enough of my own. LOL

 

[Rascalking]

A small amount in the extended family gatherings, virtually none with the “nuclear” family, my mom, dad, and sister. We have virtually the same political views, social views, etc. The extended family does have arguments, but some of us basically ignore the ones arguing and keep to our own thing.

 

[dontknow]

My side of the family - way too much and over absolutely nothing… Hence - it’s been years since we’ve been together for my side on any Holiday. I refuse to subject my wife and child to that nonsense.

My wife’s side - no arguing whatsoever. But, the conversations are generally limited to very “easy” topics.

 

[puzzleannie]

Do your family members argue when they gather for holidays or simply just gather?
What amount of arguing, if any, do you think is normal?
What do they argue about?
Is it friendly bantering or out-and-out arguing?

is this a trick question? is there a family where this does not happen or was I just born or married into a bunch of argumentative opinionated, um, epithet deleted.

first of course is the grand argument from which all others derive–with whom should we spend each holiday. Grandparents expect you to bilocate and simultaneously travel–with small children, in bad weather–to 2 cities at once.

DHs family arguments revolve around the basics: the food. His great-grandma’s stuffing recipe takes 2 days to concoct and that process alone–cooking, grinding, chopping, dicing, mixing, mincing, baking etc. is fraught with opportunities for those escalating criticisms that spell meltdown for anyone who has not taken their pills.

and woe betide the grandchild who does not sample each and every menu item and exclaim over its greatness, and woe betide the parent who allows the child to scorn grandpa’s hard labor in the kitchen in preference for rolls, pickles and black olives worn on the fingertips.

then the football–reason alone IMO to spend the holidays by myself at Denny’s

then they start playing pinochle and graduate from snarkiness to all out warfare. That is where I learned to play cards and people here at the retirement park don’t understand why I come to bridge night in camo.

Now in Detroit it’s different, for one thing, you have to watch the Lions on TG day and that casts such a pall of gloom over the proceedings that it is hard to revive the weekend. Plus here everybody drinks, except me, DH and the kids under 20, whereas with the other side of the family it is just one member, but he makes up for it. IMO all liquor stores and bars should be closed and locked from Nov. 1 to the day after the super bowl (office US holiday season) and this country might have a change to recover.

reason for edit: trying to count how many holidays have ended in the ER, the police station, in extended family counselling, in permanent broken relationships, or in at least one instance, the morgue–you don’t want the details, believe me. I can try to be light-hearted about this but there is a lot of angst and sadness behind this question.

 

[CB_Catholic]

We never argue at family gatherings. My mother is 82 years old and would be very distressed to hear it, plus the kids don’t need to hear it. We do not discuss religion or politics, except for giving thanks to God, or maybe relating something that happened at Church. A lot of this is also probably due to the fact that there is no alcohol, and everybody really tries to be on their best behavior and respect each other. Plus we don’t see each other that often, why ruin it?

When we go for holidays at my daughter’s, her in-laws, who are like family, are usually there. There is some beer or wine, but nobody drinks enough to have an effect on them, just some wine at dinner or beer after. Also, we usually are focusing on the grandchildren and don’t get into anything controversial. The only ones that fight are the kids.

However, when I was young, our big Italian family would have these big family reunions, and invariably some of the uncles would have too much too drink, start getting loud and obnoxious, and a fight would break out. Usually it was forgotten by the next week, and they were bosom buddies after that. But if the women got into it, that might last for years:shrug: They’d still show up for the reunion, but not talk to each other, and after a number of years couldn’t even remember why. Ridiculous.

I guess we are very fortunate that everyone makes an effort to be pleasant at family gatherings. This summer we had a reunion at my daughter’s house for a whole weekend, 18 of us stayed 2 nights at the house, the rest went to hotels but came in the morning and stayed until bedtime. Not one argument. Even the kids didn’t fight. We just ate and ate and ate, played games, talked, and enjoyed each other. It can be done, if people put their minds to it, even if there are only 21/2 bathrooms for 18 people!

 

[tampagrl]

is this a trick question? is there a family where this does not happen or was I just born or married into a bunch of argumentative opinionated, um, epithet deleted.

first of course is the grand argument from which all others derive–with whom should we spend each holiday. Grandparents expect you to bilocate and simultaneously travel–with small children, in bad weather–to 2 cities at once.

DHs family arguments revolve around the basics: the food. His great-grandma’s stuffing recipe takes 2 days to concoct and that process alone–cooking, grinding, chopping, dicing, mixing, mincing, baking etc. is fraught with opportunities for those escalating criticisms that spell meltdown for anyone who has not taken their pills.

and woe betide the grandchild who does not sample each and every menu item and exclaim over its greatness, and woe betide the parent who allows the child to scorn grandpa’s hard labor in the kitchen in preference for rolls, pickles and black olives worn on the fingertips.

then the football–reason alone IMO to spend the holidays by myself at Denny’s

then they start playing pinochle and graduate from snarkiness to all out warfare. That is where I learned to play cards and people here at the retirement park don’t understand why I come to bridge night in camo.

Now in Detroit it’s different, for one thing, you have to watch the Lions on TG day and that casts such a pall of gloom over the proceedings that it is hard to revive the weekend. Plus here everybody drinks, except me, DH and the kids under 20, whereas with the other side of the family it is just one member, but he makes up for it. IMO all liquor stores and bars should be closed and locked from Nov. 1 to the day after the super bowl (office US holiday season) and this country might have a change to recover.

reason for edit: trying to count how many holidays have ended in the ER, the police station, in extended family counselling, in permanent broken relationships, or in at least one instance, the morgue–you don’t want the details, believe me. I can try to be light-hearted about this but there is a lot of angst and sadness behind this question.

I’m not sure if it was your intention, and I certainly don’t mean to make light on how frustrating this all must be for you, but this post cracked me up! I can relate on SO many levels. Except the part about football…I love me some holiday football

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

However, when I was young, our big Italian family would have these big family reunions, and invariably some of the uncles would have too much too drink, start getting loud and obnoxious, and a fight would break out. Usually it was forgotten by the next week, and they were bosom buddies after that. But if the women got into it, that might last for years:shrug: They’d still show up for the reunion, but not talk to each other, and after a number of years couldn’t even remember why. Ridiculous.

is this a trick question? is there a family where this does not happen or was I just born or married into a bunch of argumentative opinionated, um, epithet deleted.

This is my reality too. As a child, we would have holidays with my mom’s side of the family. Dad’s side was all in Italy. My grandma, God rest her soul, would expect everyone to be together for all holidays. For my nuclear family, not a problem. For my aunt and uncle, who had in-laws too, came the struggle. Grandma would start the subtle and the not so subtle pressure that they had to come to dinner. And they would come, because sometimes Italian mothers can inflict incredible guilt on their children. But they would not be happy, and be on edge.

Then when it was time to eat, one particular aunt would feel slighted if each item on the table was not offered to her specifically as in, “Rosa, would you like an artchoke? Rosa, would you like some salad?” etc. Then she would sulk, until someone would say, “Rosa, is something wrong.” Her retort would be, “Well no one offered me any…(insert Italian food)” Then Uncle Tony would comment on Rosa’s actions. Grandma would play referee. Grandpa would then begin mumbling under his breath, and think of past offensive actions going back 25-30 years.

Sometimes the fights were small…just shouting. Sometimes large, including threats of leaving and not coming back, slammed dishes, thrown ashtrays.

Sometimes, these good family friends would ask us for the holiday. Mom would always decline. I’m not sure why. Her friend was an excellent cook, her husband very friendly and funny, the children all played well together. But I guess Mom had to be a good daughter.

 

[dixieagle]

is this a trick question? is there a family where this does not happen or was I just born or married into a bunch of argumentative opinionated, um, epithet deleted.

first of course is the grand argument from which all others derive–with whom should we spend each holiday. Grandparents expect you to bilocate and simultaneously travel–with small children, in bad weather–to 2 cities at once.

DHs family arguments revolve around the basics: the food. His great-grandma’s stuffing recipe takes 2 days to concoct and that process alone–cooking, grinding, chopping, dicing, mixing, mincing, baking etc. is fraught with opportunities for those escalating criticisms that spell meltdown for anyone who has not taken their pills.

and woe betide the grandchild who does not sample each and every menu item and exclaim over its greatness, and woe betide the parent who allows the child to scorn grandpa’s hard labor in the kitchen in preference for rolls, pickles and black olives worn on the fingertips.

then the football–reason alone IMO to spend the holidays by myself at Denny’s

then they start playing pinochle and graduate from snarkiness to all out warfare. That is where I learned to play cards and people here at the retirement park don’t understand why I come to bridge night in camo.

Now in Detroit it’s different, for one thing, you have to watch the Lions on TG day and that casts such a pall of gloom over the proceedings that it is hard to revive the weekend. Plus here everybody drinks, except me, DH and the kids under 20, whereas with the other side of the family it is just one member, but he makes up for it. IMO all liquor stores and bars should be closed and locked from Nov. 1 to the day after the super bowl (office US holiday season) and this country might have a change to recover.

reason for edit: trying to count how many holidays have ended in the ER, the police station, in extended family counselling, in permanent broken relationships, or in at least one instance, the morgue–you don’t want the details, believe me. I can try to be light-hearted about this but there is a lot of angst and sadness behind this question.

The morgue???

I guess I should be grateful that we live 1500 miles from family, aside from dd and SIL here in town!!! Our holidays are quiet, and I can’t begin to conceive of arguing with the girls or their husbands…they’re so sweet and kind!!!

Growing up in New England, we alternated holidays - Thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family, and Christmas and Easter with my aunt, uncle and cousins on my dad’s side. I remember spirited discussions, political and otherwise, as my mom, in particular, had exceedingly strong opinions - very conservative, and one of the original pro-life foot soldiers in Massachusetts. It being Massachusetts, there were also plenty of relatives who held more liberal viewpoints, so the discussions could get heated; everyone always took it in stride, and there was plenty of laughter in the midst of the “discussions”.

I really miss those big gatherings.

 

[LongingForLight]

In DH’s families, very little - people table any disagreement for another time. Mostly good, although it means that often only unimportant subjects can be discussed. Religion and politics, for example, are taboo. This quote comes to mind: “A man’s opinion on tram cars matters; his opinion on Botticelli matters; his opinion on all things does not matter. He may turn over and explore a million objects, but he must not find that strange object, the universe; for if he does he will have a religion, and be lost. Everything matters — except everything.” G. K. Chesterton At the same time, the food is usually great and the get-togethers are definitely relaxing and pleasant - so I won’t say that there is anything wrong with avoiding difficult topics at a family get-together. I just feel a bit like I never really get to know these people.

In my family, arguments happen quite a bit - ranging from reasonable, polite, albeit spirited and often frank discussions (politics, religion, philosophy, history, science fiction (hey, my family has a lot of geeks!), etc.) which I think are great for my kids to be exposed to, to out-and-out dramas that leave Hollywood unable to shock me. We’re talking police calls on other family members; people being blamed for family member’s deaths, murders, or abuse; epithets; victims being asked to apologize to their abusers in front of everyone ; people being kicked out of wedding receptions (for bringing specifically un-invited people who abused other family members); the works. However, I haven’t had a holiday like that in almost 10 years . . . for a couple of years in my early teens, that was the norm.

For the most part, the rational family members have disengaged from the irrational family members and the drama has mostly died down in favor of the previously mentioned lively discussions. I do really like spirited arguments that happen in a shared delight for intellectual debate, with respect and a sense of comraderie towards one’s “opponent”. I learn a TON from these impromtu debates, and everyone of any age is welcome to join in - usually kids start participating around the mid-teens. Getting the “good” arguments without the “bad” arguments is really a joy, and something I treasure. Too bad the bad arguments split up the family so much that we hardly get together any more to have the good arguments I remember when those get-togethers weren’t limited to holidays, but happened at least once a month or more. Us little kids would quietly play out of sight waayyy past our bedtimes, hoping no one remembered to put us to bed, while the older kids and adults debated and talked loudly late into the night. Ah nostalgia . . . only happens a couple of times a year now. And now I’m one of the debating adults and it’s my kids playing quietly upstairs with their cousins and trying to avoid being noticed!