How should I act/react?

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silverwings

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I am seeking advice from anyone has experienced something similar to what I have or knows someone who has. There is a guy at my college who harassed/stalked me for a semester and a half, almost two semesters. I finally got the police involved along with campus authorities. At the end of last semester things were somewhat under control. I am afraid that seeing each other again this coming semester will blow things out of control again. And we will see each other. The campus is only 2500 students, comprising of two dorms and one place to eat. We will encounter each other some where.

He has what I would call uncontrolable anger. I admit that I am afraid of him and what he could do if he loses control. His anger when I turned to the authorites was frightening, but did not come to physical harm. He resorted to intimidation and verbal retribution.

How should I act, or react to what he does? I used to just ignore him and turn away, but that seemed to make things worse, but what else can I do? I hope that the summer apart has helped. I do not consider a different college an option, in case anyone thinks to suggest that. I love my college and that little town and mountain land that surrounds it. I cannot leave it yet. Any advice is welcome, especially from those who have been in this sort of situation before.
~K~
 
I did have this happen in college. There was a guy in my Italian class who would not take “no” for an answer, couldn’t respect that because I was engaged I wouldn’t go out with him. For a whole semester he followed me and waited outside of my classes. I did ignore him, didn’t even look at him. Finally he did give up when he saw it was getting nowhere. Maybe now that he has had the summer to think other thoughts he will be more willing to give it up, especially if you stay firm.
 
Whatever you do, do NOT act intimidated by him or apologize for anything you shouldn’t apologize for. Body language is important when dealing with this kind of person. Act in control. Keep your head up and don’t lower your eyes. It’s perfectly natural and even smart to be afraid of this person, but don’t let him know it. Do go to the police again if his behavior gets frightening. Do let him know personally that threatening behavior will not be tolerated. Make sure that the school’s administration is aware of the situation and make sure that you are aware of your rights. Don’t let yourself get caught in a dangerous situation, e.g., alone in a secluded area or at night. Do show God’s love to this person in an intelligent and safe way, by praying for him and by keeping hatred out of your heart.
 
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silverwings:
He has what I would call uncontrolable anger. I admit that I am afraid of him and what he could do if he loses control. His anger when I turned to the authorites was frightening, but did not come to physical harm. He resorted to intimidation and verbal retribution.

~K~
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If he starts stalking, intimidation, or harassing you, contact authorities immediately.

Too many young women are hurt and killed by angry stalkers to take a chance with this one. If he does ANYTHING that smells of intimidation or harassment, contact the police again.

Is there any chance he won’t be returning to this college?
 
well, if they allowed you to carry firearms on campus, id say exercise your 2nd amendment rights. the only reason im allowed to carry mine at school is because Congress passed a law stating that a police officer with valid badge and ID may carry their service weapon in any state for protection, and allows leeway for WHERE we are allowed to carry. otherwise, some nutjob we arrested could just wait till we traveled out of state and had to leave our weapon, and gun us down. check your school policy.

contact someone OTHER than campus police or county police about it. if it is just campus police, contact your sheriff. usually, STATE law enforcement, i.e. state troopers, your states Buereau of Investigation, someone with STATEWIDE power of arrest, can help with sexually based offenses (which staliking most definitely is a preamble to).

contact a women’s help group about stalkin\assualt. sometimes they can mpoint you in the direction of a lawyer who will ACTIVELY seek to obtain restraining orders and protection orders. ive even heard of cases where a private detective was hired to follow the follower, and obtain pictures and video of them stalking their victim.

find the biggest, meanest, most bad police officer, firefighter you can, and make freinds.

find out of your campus has a “safe walk” system. if not, see if you have military ROTC, and the cadets may be willing to help you walk to and from classes at night when it is most dangerous.\

in short, DONT PLAY THE VICTIM. if he wont stop, then you become the LAWFUL aggressor with lawful means.
 
I’d get a can of mace for self defense, find a friend who is willing to escort you to classes, and use the campus escort service if you have one, especially at night.

You may want to try to reason with him in a very open public area or with authorities or huge close friends close by. Just be calm and let him know you are not interested at all and that you do not like to be harassed or stalked. Don’t threaten or lose your cool. Be careful and try to hang around a group at all times. You might want to even enroll in a self defense class.

I’d hesitate to get a gun as weapons are often used against the victim. You would have to be careful with the mace to make sure he doesn’t end up using it against you also.
 
Dulcissima - I think at the center of this is that no one has ever told him NO. And I have repeatedly. And that just makes him mad when he doesn’t get his way.
Kristina - I try but it is hard. I do avoid situations where I may be alone. I stay with my roommate or some club members when walking in the evenings. The one of the few times I have shown fear in front of him was when he showed to watch his friend (who was in my class) during a horse training class. I was working with a skittish four year old mare who realized I was afraid of something and would panic with me…needless to say a dangerous situation. I finished class early that day after a hard fall. But I think he was there intentionally, knowing what could happen if I was nervous.
Catholic90 - The authorites have been contacted. The campus police, the Dean of Student Life, Residential Living, Counseling, and one professor (the one person I confided in who helped me to find the courage to go to the police).
BioCatholic - I do not know how to use firearms even if we are allowed to carry them. I know that paintball markers HAVE to be checked with campus police, I would assume that regular firearms would have to be also. Our Campus does have a safewalk program. But I am usually with a friend ( he is 6 foot 6 inches and 250 pounds) after dark. Can campus police not help me if there is more trouble? They have already had him sign a paper defining harrassment and stalking by the law, and he has signed saying that he understood what he was doing was illegal. I have a copy if you want to hear it word for word.

When I realized that things had gone far enough, I went to the campus police. I think that surprised him because he backed off for awhile. Then he started silent intimidation after that. But that stopped pretty quickly also. I realize that I am the one that has to say No and take action but sometimes it is soo hard.
Thanks Ya’ll for the advice. It seems that I am at least headed in the right direction with this.
~K~
 
I had tried to reason with him at the end of last fall. I started just asking him to stop being so possessive of me. I did go out with him a few times in September but even that wasn’t a very good relationship. Maybe he thinks he has a claim on me or something like that. By Christmas I was asking him to stop talking/calling/ instant messenging to me. Then I just avoided him. I am considering a self defense class. There is one offered by the professor I talked to. He tried to get me into it this spring but I had classes at the same time. I think I managed to schedule around it this time. I do have a club that I hang around with alot. It is alot of BIG guys and they are protective of me against him because they have seen him, and some things that I told them. I have asked my friends not to start a fight with him, that a fight won’t solve the problem, and they are listening for now.
~K~
 
I am back at college now, only to find out that this guy was asking people about me before I even got back into town! He approached my roommate at her hotel and started questioning her about me. And one other has told me that he has asked her some questions too. Should I worry about this at all? Or am I panicking for no reason? I suppose I panic more easily now than before. Just wondering what ya’ll thought.
~K~
 
You are not panicking for no reason. This is a very scary situation. Please speak to the police & the college authorities again.
This man has some kind of obsession with you, & that is very frightening. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you need to think carefully about the possibility of, at least temporarily, going back home. My concern is that, as much as you may love your school, being there is NOT worth risking being attacked or worse by this person.
I know that it is not fair. But the truth is that once a person like this begins to obsess over you, you are not safe until he is not in the same area as you are. He may be mentally ill. He may be sociopathic. I do not know. What I do know, is that I have been there. This is a very serious situation!!! I ended up with the guy following me into my own home. Between my grandmother’s sewing shears brandished at him, loud LOUD screaming, & the prompt arrival of a next door neighbor, I was OK . (Except for the fact that I had nightmares for years afterward.).
Please, please, take every possible precaution, but also be aware that you may well have no safe choice, other than to remove yourself from the area.
Be very, very careful, please.
You are in my prayers. God bless.

PS: Get a restraining order/order of protection as soon as possible!! Do not wait to see what happens next. Get it now. Again, God bless.
 
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