How to answer "how many children do you have?"

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Colorado_Mike

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I need some advice. We have five living children. We have also lost one child very early in a pregnancy (8-10 weeks), and another child fairly late (about 20 weeks), whom we named, had a funeral mass for, and buried. Here’s my question: when people ask me “how many kids do you have”? or “wow, you have five kids?”, how should I respond? To say, “yes, we have five living children” is a little confrontational, and immediately makes the other person feel bad - doesn’t seem very charitable. On the other hand, to say “five” seems disrespectful to my unborn children who did not survive.

Thoughts? I’m sure this happens to a lot of people. Thanks!
 
Colorado_Mike said:
I need some advice. We have five living children. We have also lost one child very early in a pregnancy (8-10 weeks), and another child fairly late (about 20 weeks), whom we named, had a funeral mass for, and buried. Here’s my question: when people ask me “how many kids do you have”? or “wow, you have five kids?”, how should I respond? To say, “yes, we have five living children” is a little confrontational, and immediately makes the other person feel bad - doesn’t seem very charitable. On the other hand, to say “five” seems disrespectful to my unborn children who did not survive.

Thoughts? I’m sure this happens to a lot of people. Thanks!
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Mike, I’m so sorry for the loss of your two little ones. I haven’t suffered from that particular cross, but I have heard that people who have simply would say something like, “We have seven children, two are gone ahead of us to the Lord.”
 
It’s according to who I am talking to…

If someone in the grocery story asks me how many kids I have, I will answer three…just like this morning, the man filing my gas tank up asks…Don’t you have three boys? I remember seeing three the last time I was here.…now I did not go into the story of losing my two.

but if someone that I am more friendly with inquires about my kids, I will mention the two that I lost.

so, really it depends on the situation and whether I feel like explaining my two children that are not living.
 
Well, you HAVE five. God has the other two. He’s probably taking fine care of them. Don’t we have them and raise them to send them to God anyway? I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how parents could endure it without the knowledge of heaven. :o
 
I always answer with “Two living”. If anyone asks what that means I can then tell them about my own Saint in Heaven whom God allowed us to have for 2.5 years to hold and love, of course I had her for closer to 3.5 years because I got to carry her in my womb :D.

Brenda V.
 
Our second child, a son (John Paul) only lived for minutes. We had a son before him, and two daughters after him.

So yes, we have had four children, no question. But I tend to let the context determine how I answer the question, “how many children do you have?” Where I’m not casting pearls before swine, I answer 4, and one is in heaven. If there’s a risk that I am, or the context is strictly secular and limited, so that the interest is in the number of children my wife and I have raised, I just answer 3.

Sadly, we live in a society where what we saw as a tragic event (in temporal terms) is often seen as just a big “so what?”

Blessings,

Gerry
 
Whatever you feel comfortable with.
Personally, we just say “8” and leave it at that.
 
Wow, this was not what I was expecting I thought it was asking about that question to people with larger families: “Just how many kids DO you have” This isn’t it at all.

I let the context determine the answer. But, our oldest died 15 years ago, and I guess I normally just say “three”, not “four, 1 in heaven”. I have not forgotten my son at all, but I don’t need to share that pain with just anyone.

I was more surprised at my reaction to the fact that the original poster was talking about miscarriages. I truly believe that life begins at conception, and yes, we did name our child that my wife miscarried very early in pregnancy, but I never thought to count him or her in my answer of how many children we have. Isn’t that strange?

Oh, great, now I’m sad again.
 
PaulinVA said:
Wow, this was not what I was expecting I thought it was asking about that question to people with larger families: “Just how many kids DO you have” This isn’t it at all.

I let the context determine the answer. But, our oldest died 15 years ago, and I guess I normally just say “three”, not “four, 1 in heaven”. I have not forgotten my son at all, but I don’t need to share that pain with just anyone.

I was more surprised at my reaction to the fact that the original poster was talking about miscarriages. I truly believe that life begins at conception, and yes, we did name our child that my wife miscarried very early in pregnancy, but I never thought to count him or her in my answer of how many children we have. Isn’t that strange?

Oh, great, now I’m sad again.
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Not at all…
I guess I just answer the question literally.
How many dc do I “have”? = 8
**God has the others.😉 **
The only time I get asked, “How many children have you had?” is at the ob office.
 
PaulinVA said:
Wow, this was not what I was expecting I thought it was asking about that question to people with larger families: “Just how many kids DO you have” This isn’t it at all.

I let the context determine the answer. But, our oldest died 15 years ago, and I guess I normally just say “three”, not “four, 1 in heaven”. I have not forgotten my son at all, but I don’t need to share that pain with just anyone.

I was more surprised at my reaction to the fact that the original poster was talking about miscarriages. I truly believe that life begins at conception, and yes, we did name our child that my wife miscarried very early in pregnancy, but I never thought to count him or her in my answer of how many children we have. Isn’t that strange?

Oh, great, now I’m sad again.
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I don’t think it’s strange at all. When people ask me if I have children, I answer “No”. Those closest to me know that we lost our one and only at 5 weeks gestation. I don’t care to discuss that IRL with others. (I feel a little safer online and semi-anonymous, obviously.)
 
my typical answer is lots… or I dunno… I lost count. With 3 living, 1 step, and 2 in heaven…when I give a number, it is usually 4 if I don’t know the person, or “I have had 5, but I have 3 living” if the person seems judgmental.
 
I usually say, We have two living at home with us.
The other three are grown, but I don’t mention them unless they are asking how many I’ve raised.
 
I just tell them, I have 3 girls, 2 of whom are in heaven. I feel that not mentioning them in order not to upset other people is not fair to my girls. I have 3 girls, I went through labor with each of them, and 2 did not make it, but they existed! If you ask a question, be prepared for the answer:shrug:
 
I’m very sorry for your two losses. :hug1:

We have two babies in heaven and none living. When people ask me if I have any kids I answer according to the context. If it is someone I know (friend or relative) I say that we’ve had two miscarriages. If it’s someone that I will never see again who’s just trying to be nice then I say we don’t have any children. I know I’m not always gonna get the reaction I would like in today’s culture (ex. “well at least you know you can get pregnant”) so I prefer to not risk that and keep the memory of my babies in heaven to myself.
 
Most people are asking about children under your care. So, I would answer in that context.

It’s usually an introductory question asked either out of politeness or to find common ground or as a step to asking more detailed questions.

It’s in the same category as saying, “I’m fine.” when asked how you are.

Of course, a close friend would probably want to know really how you are–so, then you can say something a little more personal than “I’m fine.”

It’s not a lie or a denial of the lost children, it’s just in the same category as answering in a social context.

God bless. I know I look forward to meeting our baby lost in miscarriage. I still have that hole in my heart. My mom, who 44 years lost a baby at 20 weeks, still aches for my brother. Another reason to yearn for Heaven.
 
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