How to best work towards forgiveness in the family?

[Shatterpoint]

As the thread states, I’m wondering how to best work on forgiving somebody in my family who’s hurt the family in a serious way, my dad. My situation in a nutshell:

• I’m a university student (21) who lives at home with my mom (40) and my brother (17). My dad is 45. Prior to this whole situation we were a family that lived pretty peacefully and without incident aside from the occasional teenage fight when I was younger.
• Now, last summer, my dad started a drug habit beginning with marijuana and eventually regressing all the way to meth.
• In the past year, he had become paranoid to the point of believing my mom was having an affair with his best friend. The worst it ever got to was verbal harassment that was certainly close to escalating into physicalities before I would intervene.
• The police were involved three times in breaking up disputes between my parents or my dad and I. Though he never faced incarceration, he failed a drug test on one incident and had to go into rehab. He’s been in rehab three times but each time he’s been out of it, he relapsed within a week.
• In September he moved out and we’ve since found out that he’s staying in the Philippines with his family. In the period just prior to his departure, he had been living at his friends’ homes, coming home intermittently in the middle of the night for short amounts of time to get his clothes.

In the two months that have passed, things have calmed down. I don’t feel as hurt or angry at him as I did before but I’m not yet at a point of forgiveness. I’m trying to get there but I don’t feel a sort of “conversion of heart” (if that makes any sense). I know that it’s a choice and that I need to work at it but I don’t know how exactly to do that in the best way. I continue to pray for his guardian angel to protect him (as a priest advised me to) and for myself that I might come to forgive him as well as ask for the intercession of a number of saints (especially Saint Maximilian Kolbe) but outside of that I’m stuck. Am I hypocritical if I pray the Our Father when I don’t know how to take steps to forgive my own?

I know that my mom and brother are progressing better than I am in their forgiveness (they’ve been speaking with him on Skype every few days) but I’m just stuck in a rut. I’ve been speaking with some friends on this matter and their thoughts are usually divided into two camps: 1) I need to forgive him and that I should do it right away, and 2) I need to forgive him but that forgiveness won’t come overnight. Does anybody have any advice?

Thank you for your answers and God bless.

 

[JRKH]

First, let me say that I believe that in a very real sense it sounds like you have already “forgiven him”. That is to say that the desire to forgive is already in your heart…and that is the beginning of healing.
Our emotions, our feelings, will almost always be slower in this regard. They will have to “catch up” to where we are intellectually or cognitively. This often takes time and distance so do not feel to badly about where you are at right now.

The piece that is missing seem most likely to be your father’s repentance of his behavior. This means that, in many ways, it’s tough for you to move on with the business of putting all of this behind you.

So - I guess the only advice I can offer is to be patient with yourself, pray and give yourself a chance to heal from the hurts. Place your dad in God’s hands - praying for his recovery and restoration to grace.

Hope this helps a little

Peace
James

 

[Cariethra]

Here is my personal story in a nut shell. My father is/was mentally ill. I’m actually not sure if he is still medicated hence the “was.” My mom, my sister, and myself were emotionally abused by him. In the end, my parents divorced when I was 13. I confronted him about it all. He told me he didn’t remember parts of it (which I’m sure was true), he said that despite not remembering it he was sorry. That started the healing process for me. It took years. I would say that I didn’t fully forgive him until I was pregnant with my first.

My sister took longer, she is known to hold a grudge a bit more than me. But in the past year she realized, that he was NOT the man he was 12 years ago. He reminded her of the dad she knew as a little child. That helped her heal.

It sounds like you’ve already started the process. Don’t rush yourself. It will come with time. It takes different amounts of time for different people. The level of hurt also has a lot to do with it. I felt better with a “sorry” and my dad showed it through his actions as the years pasted by.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

1. I need to forgive him and that I should do it right away, and 2) I need to forgive him but that forgiveness won’t come overnight.

I think both options merge into one. It does sound like you forgive him, but remember, forgiveness is a never-ending process. We continue to offend God with our own repeated sins and yet can trust that God forgives us when we are repentant. I think the only difference here is that your father does not sound like he is being repentant, or at least not in the manner that you want him to be.

I believe that when we are terribly wounded by the actions of others, forgiveness can be a drawn-out process. I say forgive him and continue to forgive him. It won’t be easy, and I am guessing that you will have to revisit the concept of forgiveness many times before you find peace. Just don’t give up on it!

 

[paxvobiscum]

what if you’ve forgiven someone but stay away, knowing that they are unrepentant of what they’ve done? I’ve been told that if I truly forgave my mother then I would seek a relationship with her. People also tell my children to forgive their father, who did horrible things that I won’t mention here. They are still hurting and angry, how best do I help them forgive him, or should I even try? Any thoughts?

 

[OneSheep]

what if you’ve forgiven someone but stay away, knowing that they are unrepentant of what they’ve done? I’ve been told that if I truly forgave my mother then I would seek a relationship with her. People also tell my children to forgive their father, who did horrible things that I won’t mention here. They are still hurting and angry, how best do I help them forgive him, or should I even try? Any thoughts?

If you don’t mind, paxvobiscum, I will give my own 2 cents to you and Shatterpoint in the same post.

As far as “waiting for people to be repentant”, Jesus forgave the unrepentant crowd who put him on the cross, I think that we, too are called to forgive, and forgive unconditionally. The spiritual holiness (wholeness) experienced after forgiving something is an amazingly peaceful release, so I am certain that Jesus wants us to forgive whenever we feel any negativity toward anyone. How are we to realize the “kingdom” if we hold grudges against any person?

First of all, forgiving someone doesn’t mean one must suddenly trust the person or even reinstate a relationship with the person. Forgiveness is for the forgiver; and there are situations where reinstating a relationship is dangerous for the person hurt.

The first step, I think, is that the situation has to be in control, or at least getting in control. Shatterpoint, you seem to have this step taken care of, your father is out of the country.

The second step, Shatterpoint, I think you have also taken care of. I take a shield of love against all the hate and resentment, and pray for the well-being of the person I need to forgive. I pray not just for their repentance, I pray for their health, their happiness.

The last step is no easier than the first two steps, but I think is vital for forgiveness. We have to do all we can to understand why the person did what they did. What were his needs: Happiness? Freedom from a difficult life? Escape? Control? Those are the typical needs of those addicted to substances. What were his feelings: Anger? Despair? Hopelessness? What did he want from those around him: Love? Acceptance?

We condemn in others what we condemn in ourselves, so typically forgiveness of others involves painfully admitting that we have the same faults as those we have not forgiven. In addition, for me, it helps when I (painfully, against all my denial) admit my own role in the person’s behavior, however small that role might have been. Like, when I criticized my father, did I put him in the self-protection mode, triggering his anger? We resist admitting these things. I am not saying your father’s anger or other issues are your fault, your father’s needs and emotions are his own. What I am saying is that so often we do stuff that we don’t realize is going to trigger an emotional effect on someone else. Is this the case, Shatterpoint? Or, did you purposefully do things to hurt your father when you were particularly angry? I that case, there is a need for forgiveness from God and from yourself. All these things can be worked through.

Forgiveness is possible!

 

[Shatterpoint]

The piece that is missing seem most likely to be your father’s repentance of his behavior. This means that, in many ways, it’s tough for you to move on with the business of putting all of this behind you.

So - I guess the only advice I can offer is to be patient with yourself, pray and give yourself a chance to heal from the hurts. Place your dad in God’s hands - praying for his recovery and restoration to grace.

Thanks for that James. I feel that, especially because I’ve been starting to pray for him, the news on my dad has been getting better. My mom expects me to be 100% ready for forgiveness but I’ve explained to her that I’m trying but I’m not at the point of forgiveness sh is.

It sounds like you’ve already started the process. Don’t rush yourself. It will come with time. It takes different amounts of time for different people. The level of hurt also has a lot to do with it. I felt better with a “sorry” and my dad showed it through his actions as the years pasted by.

Yeah, my dad hasn’t had an opportunity to apologise yet but I’m truly hoping that he will. I think I’m like your sister in the regard of holding a grudge. I’ll definitely try to keep the fact that my dad isn’t the same man he was when he’s under the influence. Thanks Cariethra.

I think both options merge into one. It does sound like you forgive him, but remember, forgiveness is a never-ending process. We continue to offend God with our own repeated sins and yet can trust that God forgives us when we are repentant. I think the only difference here is that your father does not sound like he is being repentant, or at least not in the manner that you want him to be.

I believe that when we are terribly wounded by the actions of others, forgiveness can be a drawn-out process. I say forgive him and continue to forgive him. It won’t be easy, and I am guessing that you will have to revisit the concept of forgiveness many times before you find peace. Just don’t give up on it!

Thank you for that affirmation Margarete, especially in the context of our continual offending of God. I’m definitely going to need to continually recall that need for forgiveness on this journey.

what if you’ve forgiven someone but stay away, knowing that they are unrepentant of what they’ve done? I’ve been told that if I truly forgave my mother then I would seek a relationship with her. People also tell my children to forgive their father, who did horrible things that I won’t mention here. They are still hurting and angry, how best do I help them forgive him, or should I even try? Any thoughts?

Pax, I will pray for you and your family. I don’t know if I can help with my words because I’m still rather young but I think it’s possible to forgive someone and not have a relationship with them. Even if a relationship is something that we need to work towards, there are things that the other party has done/will continue to do that may hinder that respect. I don’t know if opening yourself to more hurt, especially with someone with an unrepentant attitude, would be the best.

The last step is no easier than the first two steps, but I think is vital for forgiveness. We have to do all we can to understand why the person did what they did. What were his needs: Happiness? Freedom from a difficult life? Escape? Control? Those are the typical needs of those addicted to substances. What were his feelings: Anger? Despair? Hopelessness? What did he want from those around him: Love? Acceptance?

We condemn in others what we condemn in ourselves, so typically forgiveness of others involves painfully admitting that we have the same faults as those we have not forgiven. In addition, for me, it helps when I (painfully, against all my denial) admit my own role in the person’s behavior, however small that role might have been. Like, when I criticized my father, did I put him in the self-protection mode, triggering his anger? We resist admitting these things. I am not saying your father’s anger or other issues are your fault, your father’s needs and emotions are his own. What I am saying is that so often we do stuff that we don’t realize is going to trigger an emotional effect on someone else. Is this the case, Shatterpoint? Or, did you purposefully do things to hurt your father when you were particularly angry? I that case, there is a need for forgiveness from God and from yourself. All these things can be worked through.

Forgiveness is possible!

I had coffee with my mom last week and she brought up a good point that when I was isolating myself from my dad and practically ignoring when he was going through his addiction, I wasn’t exactly being supportive of him. I saw it as protecting myself from being hurt further but she was also right in saying I wasn’t helping the matter either. I never fought him physically, even when things got to their worst, because I know that 1) it’s wrong, and 2) I could seriously hurt him. But I did lash out at him verbally, especially when he was getting into arguments with my mom (and the rest of us by extension). Thanks for the affirmation that, as you said, “All these things can be worked through” OneSheep.

Thank you for all of your help so far. God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you may be confused about forgiveness and some other different things, such as reconciliation and a return to a position of trust. These all have to do with how an offense against trust or justice is handled, but in different ways.

Forgiveness means that you accept that an offense took place and do not hold a desire for vengeance. That is not easy to do, particularly if the offender is still actively engaging in the offending behavior. You might even go through the stages of grief, back and forth, such as denial, anger, bargaining, and so on. Only after you have “wrapped your head around” the offense and are able to look at it from a position of peace can you let go of your anger and a desire to strike the offender back, to get vengeance or “even the score” or hopes that the offender “gets his”. You’re getting there. It can take awhile. You’re bound to put yourself through the process of forgiving others, but you’re not bound to make it happen instantly.

Reconciliation is something else altogether. That is a rebuilding of a relationship. Sometimes, that simply is not going to happen. On some level, it can’t happen at all as long as the offending behavior continues. It also can’t happen without any demonstration of contrition or purpose of amendment by the offender. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the Lord wasn’t going to ask Peter three times: Simon, son of John, Do you love me? Sometimes, confusion between forgiveness and reconciliation prevents forgiveness, because the one being asked to forgive thinks that forgiveness means forgetting the offense ever happened and magically erasing the consequences, or treating a willful offense as if it were a total accident. Relationships between sentient being do not work like that. Forgiveness means being open to the offender’s return to grace. It doesn’t mean the return is achieved by the action of the victim alone.

OK, but what if you forgive your dad and then by the action of both of you, you reconcile with your dad? What then?

Even after reconciliation, things do not magically go back to the way they were. The offense will have its temporal results, and no one ought to deny that. One of those results is that the offender has put a negative mark on his “resume” in terms of deservig to be put into a positon of trust. So after forgiveness opens the way for reconciliation and reconcilation opens the way for the building of a new relationship, the two parties each have to decide on their level of trust. I mean that forgiveness and reconciliation do not mean that the embezzler ever gets the privelege of working at a bank again! That is OK. It may be that your relationship with your dad will never return him to the same level of trust he previously occupied.

That means you have suffered a real and possibly a life-time loss: that is, you have lost the security of being able to trust your dad. You’ve kind of lost “Old Dad”, and you have to get used to the idea that maybe that was “Imagined Dad” and maybe that was “Real Dadness, Abandoned”. Either one of those is a sad thing!!! It is no mark against you if you grieve the trust you put into him. That is not being unforgiving. That is feeling a real loss, and it is OK. You should be allowed to grieve that: again, with all the stages and dimensions that we know grief can take.

You may get “Real Dad” back some day, but it won’t be the same. It isn’t an accident that the Risen Lord still carried the nail marks. Don’t punish yourself over that. Do the grieving to let go. That way, if your dad earns your trust again, you can have something new between you, something you will both realize came at a price. While no one would ever ask to get it that way, sometimes the relationships that come after the hard-won reconciliation that follows a grave offense are better than the relationships that were destroyed. It’s a bad bad way to get there, but that doesn’t change the fact that it can still wind up being a good place to be. Maybe you and your dad will get there. Dare to hope that is possible, when you’re ready. If you’re not ready, though, that’s OK, too. Some resurrection will inevitably wait for the Last Day. The main thing is to look forward to the day of grace that will bring that about, not to try to force the door.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, my dad hasn’t had an opportunity to apologise yet but I’m truly hoping that he will. I think I’m like your sister in the regard of holding a grudge. I’ll definitely try to keep the fact that my dad isn’t the same man he was when he’s under the influence…I had coffee with my mom last week and she brought up a good point that when I was isolating myself from my dad and practically ignoring when he was going through his addiction, I wasn’t exactly being supportive of him. I saw it as protecting myself from being hurt further but she was also right in saying I wasn’t helping the matter either. I never fought him physically, even when things got to their worst, because I know that 1) it’s wrong, and 2) I could seriously hurt him. But I did lash out at him verbally, especially when he was getting into arguments with my mom (and the rest of us by extension). Thanks for the affirmation that, as you said, “All these things can be worked through” OneSheep.

Thank you for all of your help so far. God bless.

I don’t get what you mean. How is it that your dad hasn’t had an opportunity to apologize, but you have had an opportunity to fail to support him? It works the other way around. Your mother’s support of your dad’s recovery has to include expecting him to take the consequences of his actions. He can’t expect forgiveness to mean acceptance of the offense as “OK”. He can’t expect reconciliation to come before expression of his contrition and purpose of amendment. He can’t expect reconciliation to achieve the rebuilding of a relationship that he broke with his own hand. When he was offending and denying what he was doing, he shouldn’t have expected anyone in the family to accept that. In retrospect, he ought to accept negative reaction to his choice to abuse alcohol or use damaging drugs as the natural consequences of his actions, and nothing at all vindictive. It is also not the work of a child, even an older child, to be the emotional support for an adult parent. No one else has the job of keeping someone else from being an addict. That is the road to co-dependence.

Even if he had tried to offer an apology and you weren’t ready to accept it yet, he really owes you acknowledgement of the damage he did to you by giving you room for your grief. You don’t hit someone and then demand that they jump up off the ground so you can shake hands with your victim. You tend to your victim, you help your victim up, and then you hope they’ll be open to forgiving you and working a reconciliation. Part of recovering from addiction is facing the fact that you’ve harmed people and have work to do in order to mend the harm you’ve done; this is acknowledged in 12 step programs.

I’d very much suggest you read “Co-Dependent No More”, by Melody Beattie. She herself is in recovery both from addiction and from co-dependence. Her books identify the difference between healthy support that is the hallmark of healthy relationships and the unhealthy “support” that is actually co-dependence. I think her book might help you feel more confident about how to take care of both yourself and your relatinoship with your dad and family. Look at your local library; it’s very possible that you can “test drive” the book by borrowing before you decide to buy!

Some people also find Al-Anon very helpful, as it gives a chance to talk to people who are going through the same thing. Some people find that helpful on an on-going basis; others find the meetings repetitive and eventually move on to something else. It depends on the person, but you and your mom and siblings might want to look into it.