How to charitably break up with someone who is suicidal?

  • Thread starter Thread starter CatholicHere_Hi
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

CatholicHere_Hi

Guest
So I started dating this person earlier in the year. Everything was normal. A few months into the relationship this person told me that they have struggles with depression. The way this person talked about it though, it sounded like they had it under control and it wasn’t something that really holds them back.

But now this person’s true colors have come out. This person is DEEPLY depressed and suicidal. They will frequently harm themselves and call themselves worthless at the smallest sign of inconvenience they cause people, and I’m seriously starting to be drained by this person. I have my own past with mental illness and this relationship is triggering a lot of that. I literally have to physically hold this person down for long periods of time so they don’t act on some sort of physical self-harm on themselves.

This person is so scared I’m going to break up with them, and I feel like I have to lie to them in order to calm them down. I feel like if I tell them the truth that I don’t want to stay in this relationship anymore, they might completely break, and even worse, if I break up with them, I fear they will commit suicide.

I love this person deeply and care deeply for their well-being. I want to help them recover, but I just can’t find the will to date this person anymore. I thought I could help this person out and help bring them out of their pit, but it’s actually a case where I feel like I’m slowly being dragged down in the pit with them.

I’m unsure on how to break off this relationship in a charitable way and “safe” way, because here is another significant part of the depression:…they have serious abandonment issues.
 
Last edited:
I just feel guilty that I am leaving this person high and dry when they are most vulnerable. That’s another reason why I struggle to break up with them.
 
Have you tried seeing a councellor with this person.
I realise that this is not good for your own mental health and is emotionally draining I also understand your concerns for their safety.
I think the safest way is to start going to councelling with her get an understanding of the best way to do this. There is no charitable way to break up with her
 
Not WITH each other, but each one of us is seeing an individual counselor
 
I understand you care for them and that they have issues, but you cannot give them the help they need. Threatening to kill themself every time things don’t go as they wish is a bit manipulative. If it is getting to the point where you need to hold them down, you need to call 911 and have someone come to their aid. This is not normal behavior.
 
CatholicHere_Hi said:
I literally have to physically hold this person down for long periods of time so they don’t act on some sort of physical self-harm on themselves.
Click to expand...
For your own safety I strongly advise you to sever ALL contact with this person. Their behavior is very disturbing and possibly quite dangerous. Call 911 if necessary.
CatholicHere_Hi said:
I feel like if I tell them the truth that I don’t want to stay in this relationship anymore, they might completely break, and even worse, if I break up with them, I fear they will commit suicide.
Click to expand...
They are going to crash regardless of what you do. Do not get sucked into their downward spiral. They need Psychiatric Hospitalization ASAP.
 
Is this a relationship where you know the person in real life or is it internet only?
 
You need to call social services or the suicide hotline and ask them what to do to get this person psychiatric help and how to disconnect from them.

You cannot be help hostage through emotional blackmail. You are not responsible for their actions.
 
I went through something similar many years ago. I agree there is no charitable way to end the relationship because it will never be taken well no matter how it is said and done. The OP is searching for some semblance of rationality in the other person that not only isn’t there now, it might never be there. But at least the other person is seeing a counselor, that is hopefully better than nothing.
 
If a person is threatening suicide, you should call 911. However, you aren’t going to find a way to break up with this person that is going to be taken as “charitable”. This is a really tough position to be in and I feel for you. Do you, by chance, know their family or close friends? Maybe you could let them know what’s going on and they might be able to support him?
 
This is going to sound harsh.
But you are not bound to stay in any dating relationship.

Dating is a completely voluntary relationship that you and the other person are free to end at any time and for any reason.

There is absolutely no sin in ending a dating relationship.

That being said, if you know their friends and family, you might give them a heads up that they’ll need some extra support.

But no matter what happens, it isn’t your fault.

:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: Very hard for you and your friend.
 
CatholicHere_Hi said:
Not WITH each other, but each one of us is seeing an individual counselor
Click to expand...
Go together as a “couple”. This will enable you to pass the responsibility for her to a professional counselor.
Brendea said:
There is no charitable way to break up with her
Click to expand...
I disagree with this. It is true that she will make it ugly, and will take it as abandonment (this is the core of the borderline personality disorder), but that does not make the break up or the process of it “uncharitable”. Charity is Truth, and it is true that this relationship is toxic and needs to be terminated.
Irishmom2 said:
you cannot give them the help they need
Click to expand...
Only God can do this, and a lot of mental health treatment.
Irishmom2 said:
Threatening to kill themself every time things don’t go as they wish is a bit manipulative.
Click to expand...
I would say more than a bit!
Irishmom2 said:
If it is getting to the point where you need to hold them down, you need to call 911 and have someone come to their aid. This is not normal behavior.
Click to expand...
This would be a much more productive response. She needs a level of help you cannot provide.
Zzyzx_Road said:
I agree there is no charitable way to end the relationship because it will never be taken well no matter how it is said and done.
Click to expand...
Truly loving actions are defined by their intention, not the outcome. I agree, it will never be taken well, but separation can be dignified, direct, and inclusive of other resources to help with the problem. Charity does not = “feeling good about it”. Charity is speaking the truth in love - even if it hurts.
 
CatholicHere_Hi said:
I literally have to physically hold this person down for long periods of time so they don’t act on some sort of physical self-harm on themselves.
Click to expand...
Lets start here, when in this situation you need to phone an ambulance for this person. Physically restraining another is not an acceptable way to deal with this. And can be quite dangerous.

The mental health issues your friend has are way too big for you to deal with. They are beyond the pay scale of anyone but a professional trained in this area.

I would talk to your own health care professional and discuss that you wish to break up with this person and don’t know how to do it. Let your health care professional be your guide.

You are in my prayers as is your friend.

We must take every threat of suicide seriously , and not dismiss it as drama or manipulative.

I strongly disagree with those saying it is being used as manipulation. This friend may believe that suicide is the only answer to these issues.

And that is why getting mental health help for this person is an emergent issue.
Does this person have family you can speak with? Do the family know how often this person is talking suicide and that this person is self harming?
 
Last edited:
I agree with Dacinom … asking a counselor for advice on this is the best way to go. You can’t figure this one out alone, and I truly doubt any of us are qualified to help … there really is no charitable way to walk out of a person’s life that is this seriously disturbed … you just need to do it in a safe way for the person you are leaving … your counselor should be able to help you figure out the best and safest way to accomplish this. By all means do indeed get out of the relationship … it certainly is not good for you … but be careful in getting counseling in order to accomplish it so that this person does not seriously hurt themselves. God Bless, I will pray for you.
 
Thank you all for the advice.

I do believe this person truly is genuine. I don’t believe they are manipulative and sincerely are trying to get better. This person is a very devout and religious person that frequents the sacraments daily. This person was instrumental in me regaining my devotion to God and living a Christ-centered life. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let go.

But I think you’re right. It probably is good to part ways.
 
I was once in a similar relationship and feared breaking up with him would end in him killing himself, as he had even threatened to do so. I still cared about him of course but he needed distance from me because he was unhealthily attached where he needed to be attached at the hip to me or his world fell apart. I broke up with him, but I also told his parents about what happened because he wasn’t honest with them about how suicidal he was feeling. I know he didn’t want me to tell them and he was very angry but I was so relieved. They came immediately to pick him up and forced him to stay home with them and see a counsellor. They are exactly who he belonged with.

Are you in contact with this person’s parents and do they have a relationship where they can be relied on to care for him or is that part of the problem? Does he have any friends who could maybe do the same thing and take care of him or anybody at all?
 
You can’t keep dating someone to “save” them. It’s not your job and really it will drain you.

You just need to break up with them. Let them down as gently as possible and maybe tell a friend of theirs to look out for them for a few days.

It’s not your fault if they try to hurt themselves. it’s just a symptom of their illness.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top