How to combat an irrational mother?

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turboEDvo

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OK, so my gf’s mother (and father in some cases) is being fairly unreasonable. She won’t allow (or make time for the discussion of) opening a bank account for my gf (who has long since turned 18), the problem being that her mother has all her money in her checking account. She regulary tells my gf that she is being irresponsible over many rediculous things (one example: at the beginning of the summer, my gf gave her mother a phone message and now her mother denies ever hearing about it and is taking it out on my gf). There are many instances of this rediculous behavior from her mother and I’m just curious what ideas you all have. She repeatedly gets down on my gf for the shortcomings of her younger siblings, seeming using the flawwed logic that my gf has the amazing ability to control three younger siblings 100% of the time.

The way she is acting is not only hurting my gf, but it is really starting to piss me off and I’m looking for ideas. My gf wouldn’t have to deal with it but she is living at home for college, so a 4-year solution would be really ideal. Any ideas to get her mother to chill out, let her be the adult she is (and my gf is many times more mature and responsible than most 18-year-old girls that I know) and quit treating her like a child?

Eamon
 
Eamon,
I would say the first step would be prayer by you (BF) and your girlfriend (GF) for a better and more trusting relationship between your GF and GF’s mother (GFM). It is difficult looking at your child and allowing them to grow up, if your GF is the oldest it would be more difficult for the GFM to do this. GFM will slowly realize that her daughter is growing up and loosen the reigns a bit, but it honestly is not your fight, it is between the GF and GFM not BF and GFM. GFM will resent you over it and man o man you don’t even want to go there. There’s an old saying something about a woman scorned……
Several months ago my father and I got into a similar disagreement over rearing a child. I asked him a couple of quick questions that made him think of the situation from my perspective and in turn peacefully closed the disagreement.

Dad: David, your doing this wrong.
David: Dad…. how many kids do you have?
Dad: …… 5?
David: I have 7. How old were you when your father died?
Dad: I was 34.
David: I’m 39.
We haven’t butted heads since.

Peace,
David
 
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turboEDvo:
OK, so my gf’s mother (and father in some cases) is being fairly unreasonable. She won’t allow (or make time for the discussion of) opening a bank account for my gf (who has long since turned 18), …
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Sorry for cutting the post off…but why does your girlfriend need her mom to set up a bank account for her if she’s 18???

If she wants a bank account, she should take whatever money she has (perhaps from birthday/holiday gifts, and/or her job) and open one. It’s perfectly legal and it’s her money.

Parents want their children to become independent. They look for signs of maturity in their teen kids and help them develop a sense of responsibility - personal and for others.

At 18 and attending college, but living at home, your girlfriend should be responsible for herself and helpful to her mother around the house and with her siblings. She’s getting free room and board, she should almost be seen and not heard at this stage of the game, except in a loving and joyful way.

Oh, and listen to David. This is between your girlfriend and her mother. Do not put yourself in the middle. Love and support your girlfriend without criticizing her mother. That woman may end up being your mother-in-law someday, and trust me, when you’re in your mid-30s your perspective of what she and her daughter are going through right now will change tremendously.
 
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YinYangMom:
Sorry for cutting the post off…but why does your girlfriend need her mom to set up a bank account for her if she’s 18???

If she wants a bank account, she should take whatever money she has (perhaps from birthday/holiday gifts, and/or her job) and open one. It’s perfectly legal and it’s her money.
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My point is that she can set up the bank account just fine, but all my gf’s money is in her mother’s account. That’s the issue.

Eamon
 
Eamon,

I know this may sound absolutely crazy, but she may need to write off the money that her mom has, and do it without resentment.

What?! Her money, her hard earned, long saved money. Yup, maybe so.

I don’t know the particulars of the case, but it is remotely possible that GFM is making delaying excuses for the fact that there are either financial difficulties that prevent her from having the money to give to GF (I’m sorry, I know I’ve seen your GF’s posts, I just can’t for the life of me remember her handle, so I’ll refer to her as GF, hope that’s OK), or that she has some control issues surrounding money and isn’t likely to let the funds free at this point.

What do you do, I certainly would NOT encourage GF to pick a fight with mom over it. As suggested before, encourage GF to open her own account. Then, any new money coming in goes to her own account, rather than being co-mingled with mom’s money.

While living at home, it would not be unreasonable for her parents to expect a certain amount of rent or other compensation for room and board. And while living at home it is absolutely necessary that GF show respect for and obey GFM and GFF.

Now, it may be that GFM has no problem making GF’s money available to her in a timely manner. But don’t push it and don’t encourage GF to push it.
As has been pointed out, especially when you’re beginning to feel frustrated, pray, because you don’t want to come between GF and her mother. From what I’ve read of your posts here on the forum, you seem to be wise well beyond your years. And it sounds like you and GF may have something special and long term going on. You’ll want to be in the good graces of her mom for many years to come.

Even if you don’t quite understand her perspective on things, don’t rush to judgement, don’t encourage your GF to get upset with her mom, and don’t get into it with GFM. You want a long term solution to what is likely to be a short term problem.

Turbo, I’ll say a special prayer for you tonight. Take care of yourself, and your GF.

God Bless,

CARose
 
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turboEDvo:
My point is that she can set up the bank account just fine, but all my gf’s money is in her mother’s account. That’s the issue.

Eamon
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How and why is that happening though?
Perhaps your girlfriend’s old money is sitting in her mother’s account. But at 18 she’s capable of making new money and putting that where she wants. It’s not a bad thing to let her mom hold on to what money she already has. It’s actually quite responsible on her part.
 
I think your GF needs $100 to open an account. If she is paid by checks, she can go straight to the bank and they can give her cash for it instead of depositing it into GFM’s account. Call the bank and ask if she needs $100 in uncashed checks or cash? If it is really bothering GF, she may just want to make a date to just sit in a nuetral place (a coffee shop) and talk with her. Now that she is in college she needs to have some available cash, for lunch at campus, gas, COFFEE!!!, you name it. As stated above, it may be unreasonable to demand all the money at once, so perhaps GF could start her own account and then make an agreement with GFM to transfer or give a check for a certain amount in per week/month (whatever).

Basically, the more GF acts like an adult the more her mom will treat her like one. If she doesn’t already, she should do her own laundry, keep her room clean, clean all her own dishes, and act like an adult basically. If mom isn’t have to clean up after her like a child, she will eventually change her approach.
My advice to you is butt out. Let your GF take care of this, she is the one who needs to prove herself as an adult.Good Luck
 
Many years ago, I was engaged to a young man. He made a very good wage, which he gave to his mom. She was supposed to pay his car payment, take out the board money, and bank the rest for him. Guess what happened! She paid the car payment, took out the board money, and spent the rest. when we got married, he didn’t have one thin dime! We survived.Is the money really all that important, in the scheme of things?

Peace,
Linda
 
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CARose:
Eamon,

I know this may sound absolutely crazy, but she may need to write off the money that her mom has, and do it without resentment.

What?! Her money, her hard earned, long saved money. Yup, maybe so.

I don’t know the particulars of the case, but it is remotely possible that GFM is making delaying excuses for the fact that there are either financial difficulties that prevent her from having the money to give to GF (I’m sorry, I know I’ve seen your GF’s posts, I just can’t for the life of me remember her handle, so I’ll refer to her as GF, hope that’s OK), or that she has some control issues surrounding money and isn’t likely to let the funds free at this point.

What do you do, I certainly would NOT encourage GF to pick a fight with mom over it. As suggested before, encourage GF to open her own account. Then, any new money coming in goes to her own account, rather than being co-mingled with mom’s money.

While living at home, it would not be unreasonable for her parents to expect a certain amount of rent or other compensation for room and board. And while living at home it is absolutely necessary that GF show respect for and obey GFM and GFF.

Now, it may be that GFM has no problem making GF’s money available to her in a timely manner. But don’t push it and don’t encourage GF to push it.
As has been pointed out, especially when you’re beginning to feel frustrated, pray, because you don’t want to come between GF and her mother. From what I’ve read of your posts here on the forum, you seem to be wise well beyond your years. And it sounds like you and GF may have something special and long term going on. You’ll want to be in the good graces of her mom for many years to come.

Even if you don’t quite understand her perspective on things, don’t rush to judgement, don’t encourage your GF to get upset with her mom, and don’t get into it with GFM. You want a long term solution to what is likely to be a short term problem.

Turbo, I’ll say a special prayer for you tonight. Take care of yourself, and your GF.

God Bless,

CARose
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I agree…she may have to eat the money if mom continues to be unreasonable. Let her consider it as a small token of appreciation for all the years mom spent her hard-earned money to buy things her daughter needed and wanted while growing up. I know that as a parent we shouldn’t expect any compensation for our duty of raising a child, and children should never feel as if they owe their parents money because they grew up comfortably…but I hope you kind of understand what I’m saying. Who knows, maybe if the GF says to her mom, “Keep the money as a blessing from me for you being a great mom” or something along those lines, mom may say that she’s not going to keep the money for herself and plans on giving it to her later on.

On the other hand, if the GF opens an account in her name, sets herself a reasonable budget, and PROVES to her mom that she’s not an irresponsible spendthrift, mom may give her back the money sooner than later or not at all.

Pray and see…

God bless.
 
She’s 18.

She can stay with her parents or leave them.

The one thing you can do about it, it take her from them. Maybe it’s time for some serious thought about whether you keep dating her as she is, or if you want to marry into the whole family, but then you and she have jurisdiction over the other, instead of MIL and FIL.

Otherwise good luck, my friend, but you have no jurisdiction so you may as well not get yourself anxious about it, which the Lord tells us not to do. If there’s anything more difficult than trying to change a raise a child, it’s trying to fix a parent. Hope is not lost, for nothing is impossible with God.

Alan
 
Space Ghost hits it out of the park again! You are just too funny sometimes! :rotfl:

Having not an irrational mother, but one with a tendency to by controlling from time to time, I’d settle for a pill I could slip in her coffee. For Eamon…if you plan to hang with this GF for the long term, fasten your seat belt, my friend. Your future MIL may be pulling these punches for the next 40 years of your lives. I am eternally grateful that my husband has the fortitude and a sense of humor that allows him to separate the ridiculous from the serious and not get constantly aggravated with his MIL. It also helps to live at least a day’s drive or plane flight away–absence can truly make the heart grow fonder in these cases.
 
I’m not constantly aggrivated with her. I just think she’s being awfully unreasonable right now. I’m not questioning whether or not I should keep dating my gf. I just wish her mother would treat her better than she is right now.

Eamon
 
Turn that wish into a prayer and keep at it. This is a concern best left at the feet of Mary, the best of all mothers, and her Son, Jesus Christ, whose example we are all called to follow.

I’ll keep you all in my prayers. Take care Turbo. You seem like a really great kid and I have always enjoyed your posts.

God Bless,

CARose
 
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