J
joannkt
Guest
This past weekend I attended the funeral & burial of my friend’s father. While not estranged, I have known for years that my friend and her family have had a difficult relationship. I had heard many stories over the years of ways in which my adopted friend was relegated to 2nd-class status after the unexpected birth of her parents’ BIOLOGICAL son seven months later. I didn’t DISBELIEVE the stories, but the events of this weekend made me realize that things had been much worse that I had imagined.
When I went to the hospital several weeks ago to lend support I became very friendly with her mother, a devout Catholic who is very active in her church. At the funeral, I couldn’t help but notice that while she treated me wonderfully, she never missed an opportunity to belittle, snub, or generally tear down my friend in front of family, friends and members of the church. This culminated in her mother attempting to start the burial before my friend and I, among other guests, arrived having seen us only minutes before and knowing we were on the way. My friend’s 20-year-old son had been on his knees graveside REPEATEDLY begging his grandmother, his uncle, and the deacon performing the service, not to begin before his mother arrived. Thankfully, the deacon waited the FOUR minutes for us to arrive at the cemetery before beginning and the service ended before the scheduled start time - as guests were still arriving. Those at the burial all witnessed this and were embarrassed. Many of them told me privately that they believe the whole point of trying to start early was to try to make my friend miss her father’s burial because she “doesn’t count”.
When she was a teenager, my friend asked her parents why they didn’t give her back when they found out that they were expecting and they said, “What would it LOOK like?” This seems to be a reason behind many of the painful events in my friend’s life. Her parents had a very strong desire to APPEAR to be good, virtuous Catholics to friends and fellow parishioners but since they “behave in public” there was never any help for my friend from the outside.
I want to offer her love and support while she grieves the loss of her beloved husband of 60+ years, BUT, I have such mixed feelings. It’s not my place to address the family’s private problems, but I also don’t want to be just another person who witnesses these things happening and says and does nothing. I would dearly love to let her know that I care for her DESPITE past events as I imagine that she harbors a great deal of personal pain that needs healing. I wouldn’t want to put her on the spot, but I also don’t want to give the impression that her behaviour is acceptable.
I’m not sure what to do.
When I went to the hospital several weeks ago to lend support I became very friendly with her mother, a devout Catholic who is very active in her church. At the funeral, I couldn’t help but notice that while she treated me wonderfully, she never missed an opportunity to belittle, snub, or generally tear down my friend in front of family, friends and members of the church. This culminated in her mother attempting to start the burial before my friend and I, among other guests, arrived having seen us only minutes before and knowing we were on the way. My friend’s 20-year-old son had been on his knees graveside REPEATEDLY begging his grandmother, his uncle, and the deacon performing the service, not to begin before his mother arrived. Thankfully, the deacon waited the FOUR minutes for us to arrive at the cemetery before beginning and the service ended before the scheduled start time - as guests were still arriving. Those at the burial all witnessed this and were embarrassed. Many of them told me privately that they believe the whole point of trying to start early was to try to make my friend miss her father’s burial because she “doesn’t count”.
When she was a teenager, my friend asked her parents why they didn’t give her back when they found out that they were expecting and they said, “What would it LOOK like?” This seems to be a reason behind many of the painful events in my friend’s life. Her parents had a very strong desire to APPEAR to be good, virtuous Catholics to friends and fellow parishioners but since they “behave in public” there was never any help for my friend from the outside.
I want to offer her love and support while she grieves the loss of her beloved husband of 60+ years, BUT, I have such mixed feelings. It’s not my place to address the family’s private problems, but I also don’t want to be just another person who witnesses these things happening and says and does nothing. I would dearly love to let her know that I care for her DESPITE past events as I imagine that she harbors a great deal of personal pain that needs healing. I wouldn’t want to put her on the spot, but I also don’t want to give the impression that her behaviour is acceptable.
I’m not sure what to do.
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