How to cope with family estrangement. Please help

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theoneandonly

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Hi guys. First time posting here. I’m currently going through a very difficult situation with family estrangement. Me and my cousin used to be very close. We live far apart and would only see each other once every one or two years, but we were very close. We used to talk almost every day , but as time went on, we slowly drifted apart. It got to the point where my cousin would only talk to me when something was needed from me. I’m so confused on why this happened. Nothing big happened or at least I think nothing happened. I’m afraid that it’s because of something I did without realizing it, but like I said before, nothing big happened. It was a slow and gradual drifting apart. Now, instead of me, my cousin talks more to my brother, who is younger and closer in age. I feel like I have been replaced by him for no clear reason. What should I do in this situation? I don’t really want to ask her why we never talk anymore. Is it because she just lost interest and moved on? I just want some closure on this situation and I want to make things better. I’ve prayed to God and asked for his guidance but I would like your advice. Thanks and God bless.
 
May I ask how old y’all are? Teens, young adult, middle age…
 
I’m 22. My younger brother is 19 and my cousin is 14.
 
theoneandonly said:
Nothing big happened or at least I think nothing happened
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Your cousin is transitioning from a child to an adult, so there is that. Has your relationship in the past been more of adult/child than peers?
 
Well, people do just drift apart when their interests change. You’re and adult and your cousin is still a teen. It may be that she’s has found more in common with your brother at the moment.

Remember, you’re still family. There’s no reason why in a few years time your relationship won’t pick up again.
 
I think it was closer to a peer relationship back then. We would share stories and often joke around, so I don’t feel like it is an adult/child relation at all. Could the reason be the age difference? Also I’m confused as to why was our relationship better back then and worse as time went on?
 
Thank you for your reply. I just want some closure to the situation so I’m trying to figure out why our relationship got worse as time went on. It was good back then
 
It may well pick up again. It really could be anything - the feeling you have less in common now, the age difference, distractions for her closer to home or people who are more easily accessible.
 
My advice is to be there for her and give her a few years to figure things out. Right now an 8 year age difference is huge, she’s a teen and you are a young adult. You probably don’t have a lot of common interests and there is the physical distance between you two. Stay in touch and I’m sure one day she’ll feel confident enough to consider you not only a cousin, but also a friend.
 
Thank you for your reply. I wish I could keep in touch but she makes no effort to contact me at all. She talks to my brother a lot more now and only reaches out to me when she needs something from me. I don’t know how to deal with this.
 
theoneandonly said:
She talks to my brother a lot more now and only reaches out to me when she needs something from me.
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So in theory she gets what she needs from him and gets what else she needs from you. She still needs from you, that’s good.

It’ll alter over time and though it may be hard you might try not to take it too personally. She still needs you after all 🙂
 
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theoneandonly said:
I’m afraid that it’s because of something I did without realizing it
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Can’t you just ask?
theoneandonly said:
I don’t really want to ask her why we never talk anymore.
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Why not? Is it not ok to say that you feel you have drifted apart, and that you miss her?
theoneandonly said:
I wish I could keep in touch but she makes no effort to contact me at all. She talks to my brother a lot more now and only reaches out to me when she needs something from me. I don’t know how to deal with this.
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Certainly you can remain in touch with her. Give her cards on holidays and occasions, just to remind her you are thinking of her. I had to do this for 8 years once with a family member!

Does it bother you that she only reaches out when she needs something? If it does bother you, can you tell her that? Can you tell her you feel hurt or sad??

Honestly, I don’t think I am understanding what it is you need to “deal with”? Is it feelings of rejection? Jealous of your brother?
 
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Thank you for your kind words and advice. I know this may sound dumb but I I just feel like something went wrong and there’s nothing I can do to change it :cry:
 
Thank you so much for your reply. I don’t know if it’s a pride thing or what but I just can’t reach deep enough in my heart to ask. Also I don’t know how to describe this feeling. It’s a combination of being rejected and confusion. Not jealousy at all, just a mix of the two I mentioned before. Should I just ask anyways? I don’t know how to get closure.
 
theoneandonly said:
Thank you so much for your reply. I don’t know if it’s a pride thing or what but I just can’t reach deep enough in my heart to ask. Also I don’t know how to describe this feeling. It’s a combination of being rejected and confusion. Not jealousy at all, just a mix of the two I mentioned before. Should I just ask anyways? I don’t know how to get closure.
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I am not sure what you mean by “closure”. I think you want the answer to the question “why”? perhaps because you believe having the answer to that question will make you feel better? If that is the case, it may mean that none of the “why” possibilities posted here are satisfactory to meet your needs?

If you already feel rejected, it is very possible that asking her your questions will put you in a position to feel more rejected. If this is the case, then the 'closure" you need is actually in your own heart, rather than in the relationship. You can acknowledge and accept your feelings, and decide to forgive her for sidelining you in favor of your brother. You will need to forgive her repeatedly every time you become aware of feeling hurt.

You can also recognize your feelings as a call to pray for her, so that whenever you feel rejected and confused, you will remember to intercede for her, like a Godparent might do.
 
Yeah… unfortunately it’s almost like I want to know the answer and not know the answer at the same time, even though this is impossible 😃

Because I know I’m probably not going to like what I hear.
 
My daughter and her cousin on my side have a 9-year age difference. On her dad’s side, the next child is 11 years older than my daughter. There is physical distance, but she is friends with all of them on Facebook, sees them when there are special occasions (everyone is spread out in the US) and reaches out to them occasionally to let them know what’s going on in her life (she’s a junior in college).

I wouldn’t worry too much about the evolution of your relationship, just make sure that she knows that you are always available if she ever needs anything. Chances are when she reaches adulthood your relationship will change once again, as the age difference will seem to disappear.

One of my cousins is almost 20 years older than me (he’s the oldest in his family, and I’m the youngest). We weren’t that close when I was younger, but the relationship has evolved over time and now I’m closer to him than I am to my other cousins who are closer in age.
 
You’re an adult now. She may very well see you as just another adult who is no longer on her wavelength and would only try to give her advice she doesn’t want to hear. She may also be working on forming her own identity and for whatever reason right now doesn’t see you as the cool older cousin to look up to any more.

It may be that she enjoys talking to your brother, not only because he is younger, but because he is male and can give her perspectives from the teenage guy side of the house. When a teenage girl is trying to figure out how to relate to teenage boys, this type of insight from a cool guy can be very welcome. She may feel she can discuss things with him that she couldn’t bring up with her female relatives.

I really think you should just leave the door open and make clear you are there for her whenever she wants to get back together with you, but other than that, given that you live at a distance and have your own life, you need to stop worrying about it and let it go. 14-year-olds distance themselves for all kinds of reasons and are not good at explaining themselves. A couple years down the line your relationship will probably evolve again and she may want to reconnect with you.
 
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