How to deal with a narcissistic spouse in the family?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ZoonCorp
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Z

ZoonCorp

Guest
I have my strong suspicions that my brother is married to a narcissist, but I don’t know how to explain this to him. He tries to please her and be her doormat in hopes that she will treat him nicely one day. She is constantly demanding that he makes more money for her, that she wants him to get an expensive car, wants him to not talk to me or my mother at all, and giving him the silent treatment when he does anything that she doesn’t like.

Ever since I tried to talk to her, she wants my brother to break contact with us, claiming that I am in no position to give her criticism since she is [a few years] older. She is also convinced that my mother told her to break off with her parents when in reality she just had a very civil discussion about marriage and it’s implications on living together. She seemed perfectly fine there and then. We got to know later, however, that she threw a tantrum when she got home, saying that she will never forgive my mother.

While she has caused my whole family a great ton of sadness and suffering, I am somewhat relieved that I know what her deal is. Now I just feel bad for her. To make things worse, there is a child involved as well. My brother and his spouse are from different countries, and the plan was originally for her to move to him so that they can have a sound family life together. This seemed to have come to a standstill however, as she is no longer willing to come to him (since he can’t deliver on her demands), effectively withholding their child from him, more or less.

My brother is still very ignorant about this though, thinking that he deserves whatever bad treatment comes this way and that he owes her loyalty no matter what she says. I don’t know what to do as a brother, an uncle, and as a Catholic, which is why I try to ask you for advice.

Thank you, and God bless.
 
Last edited:
This is something only your brother can sort out. He needs to reach some kind of parenting agreement with her. He may need to take legal action.

Dealing with a narcissist is very difficult because you cannot MAKE them see sense. If something doesn’t fit their narrative, they just pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s all about them. All the time.
 
I am going to be blunt. To me, it sounds like you are WAY too involved in your brother’s personal business. It is always hard when someone we love picks a spouse we find to be a poor choice. But it is his choice. He picked her for a reason, and he stays with her for a reason. Unless he is mentally ill or has some cognitive disability, it really isn’t your place to do or say anything about it. If he asks your advice, I suppose you can give it, but I would tread carefully with that. Boundaries are really important in the situation you describe. It sounds like they aren’t being observed.
 
Last edited:
My advice is you butt out of your brother’s marriage. He is a grownup, and as long as his life and limb are not in danger (and the child is not in danger), this is not your business and you are not doing the situation any good by interfering.

If your brother comes to you asking for some help or advice, then you can help him, or advise him. You can also pray for him, his spouse, his marriage, and his child. But other than that, this is not your business.

In my experience, people who marry spouses who cause rifts with their families often knew exactly what they were getting into and do not want to be “rescued” from the spouse. Furthermore, when you marry a spouse, you leave your family and you cling to your spouse. Your brother’s first loyalty has to be to his wife, even if you and your whole family don’t like her. They are married, and that’s that.
 
Last edited:
Thank you all for your responses. I just wish to clarify that I am not interfering in their marriage. I don’t have any contact with his wife whatsoever anymore, and it has been that way for the past couple of years. The reason I talked to her from the beginning was that I got to know later from my brother that she sees us as enemies, despite my mother and I believing everything is fine. I think it’s only reasonable to try to sort things out like adults if there are misunderstandings.

You are correct that it is my brothers business whether he chooses her or not. I am just saying that he is not very happy with his marriage (he has said so himself), and that he will stay because he thinks he deserves it because of past sins, as well as the fact that they have a child together (despite her unwillingness to live with my brother). My point is that it seems like a toxic relationship which is founded upon strange and false premises. In case he has misunderstood what a marriage should be, then I was thinking that maybe I’m wrong in not saying anything at all.

Also, the reason I may be too involved is because I was expected to be involved. Just to give an example; When she got pregnant, I was not allowed to know (I got to know way later). However, her pregnancy was complicated due to reasons, and I was asked of my brother to help him get medicine, but was firmly told that I was not allowed to ask any questions. It’s their choice if they want to tell, of course. But to ask for favors and at the same time demand such weird things, as if I were some serpent that would hurt them lest I knew anything, is quite humiliating. This was her telling my brother to say this, as it was very much unlike him to act like that. Not even my brother know much about his daughter nowadays, as she lives with her mother.

It’s also hard for me when my brother wants to have a relationship with me and our mother, but his wife tells him to do otherwise. To what degree am I supposed to “butt out” then? How am I interfering? I don’t have any contact with his wife whatsoever anymore. It does become personal to some degree by then, especially when I get accused of things that never happened.
 
Last edited:
Until he asks you for help or someone is in danger, I think the best you can do is reassure him that he doesn’t deserve this, he isn’t crazy, and that there is nothing wrong with him because narcissists tend to gaslight people.
 
Suggest he speak to his priest. Also give him a copy of Fulton Sheen’s “Three To Get Married”.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top