How to deal with a priest who doesn't seem to care? - wedding-related

[espinosa_d]

My fiance and I are getting married in October. We are both serious about our faith and really thrilled about putting Christ at the center of our marriage (and our wedding Mass!). The pastor of our parish is marrying us-- we didn’t know him that well before we got engaged, though he’s a nice and personable guy. The parish is very special to me because it is where I first starting going to Mass (as an adult “re-vert”), and for as long as I have been coming he has been the pastor.

However, we have been very disappointed when discussing our plans for the Mass with our priest. At the risk of sounding disrespectful, he is just not being serious about the liturgy. He says he “doesn’t need to know” which readings we pick (except that he only allows the Gospel reading on the marriage at Cana because that is what he preaches on) and is very focused on “getting the whole thing over with in 50 minutes.” When we floated the idea of doing a Litany, he told us we couldn’t because “that will cut into your time for photos after the Mass.” When we asked about having a more traditional entrance procession with the priest and servers as well as the bride and groom, he said “I don’t do that.” To be honest, I’m extremely disappointed. We aren’t exactly asking for a high Mass in the Extraordinary Form. We aren’t asking him to be excited about our wedding-- I am sure he does enough of them. But we would, ideally, like for our priest to recognize that the liturgy is not just a photo-op (as perhaps it is for some other couples he marries).

Obviously it’s his church, so we will yield to his wishes-- I just feel so sad in my heart thinking about it. I’ve been praying a lot for him and for us, but this is putting such a damper on everything. It’s hard enough justifying why we are having a Catholic wedding to friends and relatives (neither of us come from a religious background), and it makes me want to cry to think that our priest doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal either.

Any advice for how to deal with this situation?

 

[Allegra]

My fiance and I are getting married in October. We are both serious about our faith and really thrilled about putting Christ at the center of our marriage (and our wedding Mass!). The pastor of our parish is marrying us-- we didn’t know him that well before we got engaged, though he’s a nice and personable guy. The parish is very special to me because it is where I first starting going to Mass (as an adult “re-vert”), and for as long as I have been coming he has been the pastor.

However, we have been very disappointed when discussing our plans for the Mass with our priest. At the risk of sounding disrespectful, he is just not being serious about the liturgy. He says he “doesn’t need to know” which readings we pick (except that he only allows the Gospel reading on the marriage at Cana because that is what he preaches on) and is very focused on “getting the whole thing over with in 50 minutes.” When we floated the idea of doing a Litany, he told us we couldn’t because “that will cut into your time for photos after the Mass.” When we asked about having a more traditional entrance procession with the priest and servers as well as the bride and groom, he said “I don’t do that.” To be honest, I’m extremely disappointed. We aren’t exactly asking for a high Mass in the Extraordinary Form. We aren’t asking him to be excited about our wedding-- I am sure he does enough of them. But we would, ideally, like for our priest to recognize that the liturgy is not just a photo-op (as perhaps it is for some other couples he marries).

Obviously it’s his church, so we will yield to his wishes-- I just feel so sad in my heart thinking about it. I’ve been praying a lot for him and for us, but this is putting such a damper on everything. It’s hard enough justifying why we are having a Catholic wedding to friends and relatives (neither of us come from a religious background), and it makes me want to cry to think that our priest doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal either.

Any advice for how to deal with this situation?

I would pretty much feel the same as you do in the same situation. The only suggestions I have are to ask if another priest can celebrate the Mass. (One with more time and less concern over photos.) I don’t think there’s a rule that says that a certain preist has to say a Mass in a certain parish. Our wedding was celebrated by my husband’s boss, even though it was held in his home parish. If your pastor is that down on weddings, he might even be relieved to not have to do one more. Do you know any other priests who might be willing to do it?

 

[Casilda]

First off, by all means continue with getting a Catholic wedding. I know parishes require 6-9 months of marriage prep, so starting over is out of the question. Was there a way of interviewing a priest before this process started? Can you get a substitute priest to officiate (or whatever that is called)? I did not get a Catholic wedding, but had similar difficulties. My husband’s pastor had never married anyone before, he wasn’t rusty as he was totally clueless. I left a practice ceremony in tears. The pastor who baptized my husband and watched him grow up, married us. So I wonder if that is an option, if the priest is busy. I have been to Catholic weddings and they definitely last longer than 50 minutes.

 

[Antegin]

I am not a wedding planner, I just play one because my friends think I have nothing to do.

June and October are the worst months for weddings. Most places are doing 2 and 3 ceremonies in one Saturday. In a one priest parish, that takes meticulous planning and at least one wedding is done without a mass cause he still has vigil mass to celebrate. If one wedding has a late bride or groom or photographer, all the other services, plus confessions, plus vigil mass are impacted.

I know this is, God willing, your only wedding and marriage, and I pray it will be the wonderful perfect day that you deserve. The limits he places on your wedding are not about diminishing your day but making everybody’s day equally perfect. (and prevent wedding planners from stroking out )

Take your time with music and readings, he won’t need these until September and will forget or lose them if you give them to him now. At the very least keep copies.

 

[Samwise1]

Obviously it’s his church, so we will yield to his wishes

It’s not ‘his’ church, it’s the Catholic church.
I agree, some things that you desire are not standard. I would advise you not to stretch the Mass because you’d like ‘this-and-this’ devotion.

But having a Mass done within 50 minutes, and all the comments “I don’t do that”, is a different sign. I wouldn’t be too confident that his homily would be deep enough for you two.

I know priests who like short Masses. And I like to go to their Masses if I myself am also in a hurry for example. But for a wedding…

Look for another priest. Maybe the one that baptized you? Is there a convent, or maybe a ‘center for Marriage and Family’ in your diocese that knows priests that can help?

 

[pianistclare]

Well, as a church employee an one that often plays for weddings, here’s my 2 cents:

While his answers might seem harsh to you, he’s actually being fairly routine.

There is no place in the Nuptial Mass for a Litany. That’s adding to the liturgy.
The Mass is going to be longer than 50 minutes and he knows it. It will run long in the first place. All kinds of things happen, and I’ve never really been to a short wedding Mass.
He may have one homily prepared that he likes to do because it’s his best one. The Wedding Feast at Cana is extremely popular as a choice. It’s the Word of God, just like all the other choices in the Book you likely received. True, most priests let you pick, but sounds like you get to pick the other readings, so you do have a chance to be creative. The Wedding Feast at Cana was Jesus’ first act of public ministry. Pretty cool.
There may indeed be other weddings stacked up after you, OR, he may have other commitments which require him to be gone soon after the Mass. Your photographer will ask him to be in a lot of pictures. Priests try hard to accommodate these people.
His processional preferences, are just that. Not a whole lot you can do about it. Your wedding procession will be amazing, don’t worry. In fact, the whole thing will go well, but there may be some unexpected glitches. Don’t fret. It’s the way of weddings.

Maybe his manner is not as “wow” as you’d like it to be…maybe you have a priest friend that you know VERY well that you could ask as some people have suggested, but I don’t see how you can switch celebrant at this point, without seriously hurting his feelings or making him upset with you. And if it’s a parish you like, that’s not wise.

The Bride and Groom are the ones who make the vows, The Church witnesses it.
You’ll be fine.
Take a deep breath. This is only the beginning of things that are likely going to rattle you.
When it’s all said and done, it will be a glorious day.
Peace.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I’d like to thank Clare for saving me a lot of typing

I, too, work in a parish, and am directly involved with the wedding ceremonies—not the long-term planning nor the preparation of the couple to be married, but the actual ceremonies themselves on The Big Day. There is usually something before and/or after each wedding, most often either another wedding, a baptism, or a Mass. Time is a concern. I remember having to actually eject a lingering just-married couple, their wedding party and guests from the church so preparations could begin (very late) for the next event.

While there is a certain amount of customization allowed, the rules governing liturgy must be followed. Nothing is to be added nor omitted except within the confines of those rules. There is no option that I know of for inserting a litany into the Nuptial Mass or celebration of a wedding outside Mass. (I’m not a liturgist so I could be wrong about this, but Clare pretty much said the same thing and I’m confident she knows what she’s talking about.)

Due to circumstances I’ll decline to elaborate on for the sake of brevity, my wedding day didn’t go as I would have liked. It was still a beautiful day of which we have fond and vivid memories. Your wedding day will be too.

God bless!