How to deal with angry husband

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MarthaSo

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Hi. I don’t know how to explain this well but my husband attends Mass frequently, loves the Lord, says daily rosaries is very helpful to me , has two jobs, is a great father but sometimes he gets angry.

He’s a “nit picker”. I really don’t like negative talk about him but I’m only doing so because I cried a lot yesterday over his treatment. He said he would make dinner since i had the baby all day and when i noticed he didn’t I asked him and he said “you still need me to make it?” So i started defrosting some frozen meat for inner since i was tired.

Then, I heard him coming down the stairs and I KNEW he would complain. He said I put too much food, he said I was doing the sauce wrong, he was upset that I started dinner. Then he proceeds to insist i was doing the sauce wrong so he grabs the pot burning his hands almost to move it out of the way. At that point he seemed scary (he never gets violent) and I just walk away.

Every day he’s on a short fuse and every day he reads the Magnificat. I’m sad because it seems he doesn’t have Gods peace and I wonder all the Masses, readings and rosaries do nothing for his nastiness to me. It’s like he hates me.

Anyway, thank you for listening.
 
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MarthaSo, I remember a past thread of yours where your husband behaved violently towards your daughter. Because of that, and because he scared you, I strongly recommend he get anger management. He needs to understand that his anger has consequences and that it’s unacceptable to talk to you and treat you that way. Perhaps also marriage counselling with you so you can both communicate better. Explain to him that he scared you, talk to him about how his nitpicking makes you feel. And hopefully he will understand his own actions better.
 
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It’s obviously unwise, and possibly even dangerous, to try and give any kind of amateur counseling on an anonymous comments thread, but I would ask you just one question about the background to all this. What, exactly, has changed? Was he previously a calm, naturally good-tempered person who suddenly started having these outbursts? Or has he always been easily roused to anger, but only ever directed at other people, never (until now) at you?
 
As he has gotten older he has become this way, he was never this way 20 years ago. thank you
 
I urge him also to get counseling, perhaps also a visit to a doctor. It could well be tied to depression and/or physical changes. I will pray for you. Dealing with an angry family member is hard on the whole family, especially children.
 
I think it would be wise if your husband was screened for depression. You said he has two jobs, is a father and sounds like a guy who wants to do his best. These are all factors that make him prone to experiencing more long-lasting stress that can turn ugly at some point. Irritability is one of the most common outward symptoms of depression (and other depression-related disorders).

I would also say that anger management is not the key here. The underlying reasons need to be resolved. Long-term stress is harmful to the neurochemical functioning of the brain if the stressful situation continues too long.

But yeah, he needs to go to psych screening. Oh and you should also run some regular blood tests which include hemoglobin, thyroid hormones etc. Irritability can also be a sign of many physiological conditions that need treatment.
 
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