How to deal with family and relatives who are hostile to any discussions of mass attendance

[blaskoman]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

 

[odile53]

I’d just keep praying for them. Actually, that is definitely the single most effective thing you can do. Continuing to bring it up most likely will just get you branded as a religious fanatic, and ignored, if they are actually hostile to discussion. You might alienate them further by bringing it up; one or more of them might have been thinking about going back to Mass without having taken any action yet, but a family member bringing it up might push them backwards to avoiding Mass just out of stubbornness or defiance.

Prayer, on the other hand, gets God involved in the process, and His ways are a lot more effective than ours.

I understand your sadness and frustration: A good number of my relatives stopped attending Mass a long time ago. I pray for them daily, and frequently offer communion or a Holy Hour for them.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

Prayer, penance, sacrifices offered up for your loved ones is really all you can do. However, while you go about your daily life of living your Catholic faith fully, your participation will come up in general conversations, ie: 'how was your day?" when you have been to Mass in the am, then attended your prayer group or spent time cleaning the church, laundering the altar linens, or visiting the sick at the local nursing home, etc. you can share your joy with them on a regular basis without any chastisements, or pressure to make comments about their lack of participation. Your personal witness to the faith lived out fully and the resultant joy in your own life is the best witness to the love and mercy of Jesus Christ. Hang in there.

 

[tbcrawford]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

It is so hard when those we love are fallen away from faith.

God will answer your prayers. God works in mysterious ways and in His own time.He will guide our loved ones to open their hearts and minds to His will and all we can do is be the example (by our actions ) of love and faith.

For me I do not tell my family members (very often) that they should be going to Mass (although with my mother from time to time I do, in a nice way that she can understand )
My mother had a stroke 10 yrs ago and has cognitive impairment and has lost her faith along the way aswell as her undertsanding in many things.

For my fallen away children I lead by example and mention Mass and faith at every given opportunity. My children respect my faith and practice of it. So I hope this is a positive step.

We cannot make people have faith nor go to Mass.
It is very hard for us but I leave it to God and hope one day my example of living my faith will rub off and their hearts wil be open to the guidance of Our Lord.

God bless you

 

[ericc]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

I was once a “fallen away” catholic. I know how hard it is for family members to persuade me attend mass on Sunday and days of obligation. Until you know the reason for the falling away, it is rather difficult to convince the fallen away to rekindle their faith. Nobody directly convinced me to go back to church. I don’t think they tried very hard anyway looking back. Perhaps someone prayed for me. After 2 decades, I came back. God works in strange ways. Prayers do help. The Green Scapula also comes to mind.

 

[mountee]

Have faith in your prayers and believe that God will take care of this but it will be in His own time. Patience in these circumstances is very difficult, I have been there but that is what we must have…faith in our prayers and patience. Something that has been helpful to me is to read the stories of the saints who spent years being patient waiting on God, I love the story of St. Monica. Give it a try!

 

[JRKH]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

Remember Jesus instructions to the Apostles when He sent them on their first mission (Mt 10…Mark 6…Luke 9…)
His instructions were to preach, but if any do not hear…to leave the town and shake the dust from their sandals.

It is a hard thing to do - but just like Jesus and the Apostles, it is necessary that we allow others the freedom of their own choice. This does not mean that we abandon them…but it does mean that we not hound or push or pursue or treat them in any way that we would not wish to be treated. Rather, We draw back. We remain present, ready to help, ready to advise, and always living out the humility and grace and peace of our faith - doing so in joy.
This is in accordance with the instruction to “do unto others as (we) would have them do unto (us)”.

NOTE: I’m not saying that you are hounding or pushing - but they may perceive it in this way.
You have instructed and advised. Now there is nothing more to do except to be a good example and to be available when and if they feel called to return to the practice of the faith.

God bless you for your witness.

Peace
James

 

[dee_burk]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

you may see their hostility as your prayers not being answered, but sometimes people react with hostility out of guilt or fear of God…keep praying - it may be working more than you think…

 

[Jessie5000]

Iam not surprised your family responds by telling you “to mind your own business.” I too would likely say the same thing. I believe your heart is likely sincere and you are not want to judge others or appear sanctimonious but I am sure this is how they view your advice.

I was once worried about my families spiritual health and would often provide spiritual advice such as: Attend Mass! This to was not welcomed or appreciated by family members. Eventually, I realized that they are God’s children and not mine. I was not called to be their parent or guide. I, however, am called to be an evangelist and live in a manner that allows the reality of Christ to shine through me, and to be loving and serving. Our most powerful tool of evangelization is not our conversations but our actions. I suggest that you love and serve these people without providing unsolicited advice. Leave them in the hands of God for he is their father. Sometimes we need to trust that the grace of God will intervene. Remember, they will know we are christians by our love…If you love them maybe another is called to have these conversations with them. In pray, continue to pray for them and ask God to assist you in living in a manner that is a good witness.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I would drop it.
Think ‘strategy’. Ask God to bring someone into their lives that will have a positive influence on them. He can bring a friendship with someone at work or their extracurricular activities that can really know how to attract them. You can continue to love and bless them, but don’t make them dig in their heals all the more because it won’t accomplish anything, and will be a detriment. Some people do not like hearing things like ‘you should’ do something, regardless if it’s good for them.

My dad asked if we could pick him up and take him to church at the age of 79 and a diagnosis of cancer. That was a very long wait! but we are so very grateful. The last 2 people that saw him conscious before he died was a priest and a deacon. I have tears of joy at the thought of it. Our Lady at Fatima asked for prayers and sacrifices for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world. May we all continue to offer our morning prayer for this intention.

 

[MK2013]

You can try to get some inexpensive Green Scapulars from a Church bookshop, get them blessed by a priest, and find a way to put them in those relatives’ homes - by stealthy means if you think they will not accept it (eg, hidden in some gift item). Among promises attached to the Green Scapular are …

1. Conversion of those who do not have the faith
2. Reconciliation to the Church for those who have lost/strayed from the faith

You’ll have to repeat this prayer for each person: “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of death.”

I gave one to my elderly Aunt (I think she’s 83) when she was very ill (recovering poorly from surgery), depressed and had completely lost her faith. I prayed for her the little prayer daily … about a week later, she asked to see a priest for Last Rites! She made her confession, received Holy Communion & was anointed. She made a quick recovery after that and now walks 15 minutes to Church from her home every Sunday.

Having said that, I’ve yet to see any progress with 2 other people who I really, really want to bring to the faith - one of whom I’ve been praying more than a year for. Nevertheless, I continue to pray as Our Lady said, “the greatest graces come from using the scapular but these graces come in direct proportion to the degree of confidence in me which the user has.” Good luck!

 

[Ellen_Mary]

I agree with the advice given, if you are pushing then naturally most people resist. I know how it feels as I pray for my husband and daughter and step-children daily to feel the joy of returning to the Church.

I too was a lapsed Catholic, but I felt such a strong urge to return, for many years I tried to encourage my husband to re-join with me. However I came to realise he didn’t feel the overwhelming desire to return to mass as I did. Neither did our children who are all in their 20’s. So I returned to mass made my confessions and now attend each week alone. But I pray for my husband and our grown up children that they will all feel the desire to return to Church, and I have great faith in our Lord and our Mother Mary that they will return. I think it’s important not to push GO TO MASS! as its natural most will be hostile if they think you’re preaching at them. However by praying constantly and letting them see the joy and peace you feel will be more of a lure back to attending mass and the blessed sacraments.

 

[tbcrawford]

I agree with the advice given, if you are pushing then naturally most people resist. I know how it feels as I pray for my husband and daughter and step-children daily to feel the joy of returning to the Church.

I too was a lapsed Catholic, but I felt such a strong urge to return, for many years I tried to encourage my husband to re-join with me. However I came to realise he didn’t feel the overwhelming desire to return to mass as I did. Neither did our children who are all in their 20’s. So I returned to mass made my confessions and now attend each week alone. But I pray for my husband and our grown up children that they will all feel the desire to return to Church, and I have great faith in our Lord and our Mother Mary that they will return. I think it’s important not to push GO TO MASS! as its natural most will be hostile if they think you’re preaching at them. However by praying constantly and letting them see the joy and peace you feel will be more of a lure back to attending mass and the blessed sacraments.

Dear Ellen Mary what a wonderful example you are and how brave you are> May God bless you and all your family

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

Iam not surprised your family responds by telling you “to mind your own business.” I too would likely say the same thing. I believe your heart is likely sincere and you are not want to judge others or appear sanctimonious but I am sure this is how they view your advice.

I was once worried about my families spiritual health and would often provide spiritual advice such as: Attend Mass! This to was not welcomed or appreciated by family members. Eventually, I realized that they are God’s children and not mine. I was not called to be their parent or guide. I, however, am called to be an evangelist and live in a manner that allows the reality of Christ to shine through me, and to be loving and serving. Our most powerful tool of evangelization is not our conversations but our actions. I suggest that you love and serve these people without providing unsolicited advice. Leave them in the hands of God for he is their father. Sometimes we need to trust that the grace of God will intervene. Remember, they will know we are christians by our love…If you love them maybe another is called to have these conversations with them. In pray, continue to pray for them and ask God to assist you in living in a manner that is a good witness.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I am always met with hostility when I advise my “fallen away” catholic relatives to attend Mass. I cannot get into any rationale discussion on this matter. Their standard reply is to mind my own business, or something to that effect. I have prayed for them constantly (seems that is the only recourse), and thus far, my prayers are unanswered. I have faith that God will respond according to His own timetable

Lead by your actions. Pray for them, go to Mass and don’t ever concede if they insist you skip Mass for a family event. I gave up on the overt evangelization with my family a while back and found that I actually have more opportunities to talk to them about it now. It’s mostly in response to their complaints about having to delay or alter plans because I won’t skip Mass, but it at least leads to conversations about our faith, and some of them aren’t half bad.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I don’t have any perfect answers either but will chime in another vote that prayer is the best way. Strangely in recent years the older relatives have gotten disillusioned, brought on by an incident with a priest who I do agree made a mistake, but my relatives are cutting off their noses to spite their faces IMO.

The younger generation was minimally catechized and the worldly pleasures and peer influences have made them weakly if at all connected to the Faith.

So there’s one kind of prayer for the ones who reject what they had all their lives and cling to hurt feelings and/or stubborn pride, and another prayer for those who have yet to discover its richness and be disciplined enough to make sacrifices of worldly pleasures to obtain the greater goods.

 

[KCT]

Continue to pray and sacrifice for them.

Ask God to send someone into their lives who will touch them or challenge them.

It may not be you God plans to use - not directly anyway.

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

I don’t have any perfect answers either but will chime in another vote that prayer is the best way. Strangely in recent years the older relatives have gotten disillusioned, brought on by an incident with a priest who I do agree made a mistake, but my relatives are cutting off their noses to spite their faces IMO.

The younger generation was minimally catechized and the worldly pleasures and peer influences have made them weakly if at all connected to the Faith.

So there’s one kind of prayer for the ones who reject what they had all their lives and cling to hurt feelings and/or stubborn pride, and another prayer for those who have yet to discover its richness and be disciplined enough to make sacrifices of worldly pleasures to obtain the greater goods.

Having different situations with family, I appreciate you pointing out one kind of prayer for this person and and one prayer for another. thank you!