How to deal with fiance's family

[wannabe07]

my fiance and I have worked hard to bring the church into our lives. I am in a few weeks going to have my first communion and join the catholic church and he is working on being confirmed in the church. His family is “catholic” but they do not attend church they have baptized their last two children at home and while they say the rosary daily and read the missal reading every sunday and holy day. I feel very strongly that the church family is very important and you should participate in it. We are attending a latin mass and meeting with the father weekly for cathecismand for our marriage prep. My fiance has taken to the church and father has done wonders to clear up some confusion for him. However, there is a definate uneasiness between his family and us… I feel it very strongly and it makes me uncomfortable. His mother argues the religion with him, that he should know better and is messing up his life. They have not given us an answer as to wether they will attend our wedding mass… I have tried hard to work on getting to know his family better and actually have called and talked ot his mother several times and we are doing better… now his sister is making me uncomfortable. We joined them for a meal and a comment was made that could be taken wrong, and I have taken it “wrong” iguess… My family has had to work very hard, my mom worked ina factory college was not an option for her… I am very furtunate that my parents were supportive and helped me get through school… HIs sister made a comment about factory workers and what losers they are… how people should do more with their life. I have no idea how to handle this, it was just rude her whole conversation I found to be off color… what probably bothered me most was they only other person who looked shocked was my fiance. She has also just started buying my fiance home decor for what will be our home in just a few months… I am bothered ( i know petty) and not sure how to handle it… my fiance isn’t sure either… it is iffy as he doesn’t want to hurt feelings and things have been rocky with his family because of our choice to attend mass.

 

[duskyjewel]

Why are people such scaredy-cats?

If I were you, I would have immediately said to the sister, “Really? My parents worked their butts off in factories to provide for me and to put me through college. They are the salt of the earth. They gave up any dreams they might have had to take care of me and allow me to follow mine!” Bet that would have shut her up! And if it didn’t, then she has the social sensibility of a lizard, so why would you bother further with her? Just see her only when you have to, and be polite, but nothing more.

As for the boundary violations of buying him home decor and getting down on you two about religion, that is your fiance’s job to take care of. This is his family, he needs to tell them to back off and have some respect. Just as if it were your family, it would be your job. This is so important… if he refuses to tell his family to back off and respect boundaries, you really need to reconsider marriage. If he can’t stand up to Mommy now, and make it clear that you are now the primary woman in his life, he may never do it. And you don’t want to be stuck ten years down the road with her domineering your child’s baptism, or trying to control a birth or where a child goes to school, because your husband will not tell her to remember her place. Mine proved to me that he was not a Momma’s Boy before I married him, and if he hadn’t, I probably would not have married him. I love and respect his mom and his family, but I would not put up with a life where I played second fiddle to their demands because he is too weak to set boundaries.

Good luck, and I hope your guy will “man up” and tell his family they need to back off and respect you two.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Why are people such scaredy-cats?

If I were you, I would have immediately said to the sister, “Really? My parents worked their butts off in factories to provide for me and to put me through college. They are the salt of the earth. They gave up any dreams they might have had to take care of me and allow me to follow mine!” Bet that would have shut her up! And if it didn’t, then she has the social sensibility of a lizard, so why would you bother further with her? Just see her only when you have to, and be polite, but nothing more.

As for the boundary violations of buying him home decor and getting down on you two about religion, that is your fiance’s job to take care of. This is his family, he needs to tell them to back off and have some respect. Just as if it were your family, it would be your job. This is so important… if he refuses to tell his family to back off and respect boundaries, you really need to reconsider marriage. If he can’t stand up to Mommy now, and make it clear that you are now the primary woman in his life, he may never do it. And you don’t want to be stuck ten years down the road with her domineering your child’s baptism, or trying to control a birth or where a child goes to school, because your husband will not tell her to remember her place. Mine proved to me that he was not a Momma’s Boy before I married him, and if he hadn’t, I probably would not have married him. I love and respect his mom and his family, but I would not put up with a life where I played second fiddle to their demands because he is too weak to set boundaries.

Good luck, and I hope your guy will “man up” and tell his family they need to back off and respect you two.

I agree!!! I would also point out that most of the modern world is due to the labor of factory workers. Jesus himself was a carpenter! (very manual labor job)
I would also suggest the reading that includes “a son shall leave his mother and father and become one with his wife” (sorry I am not good at quoting verses, I am sure someone on here is better than I) for your wedding readings!

 

[1ke]

Yep, I’d have made a statement right there about factory workers and how appalled I am that I was marrying into a family of bigots. (OK, maybe I wouldn’t have said the bigot thing… )

Anyway, I completely agree FH needs to handle the boundary issue and give her back the “stuff” she bought him.

I wouldn’t put up with anyone disparaging the Church or Mass attendance, either.

You and FH need to work this out now, especially how HE will deal with boundary violations and disrespectful behavior from his family, before the marriage.