Hello,
First of all, let me say I’m in counseling with a good orthodox Catholic therapist about this situation. Second, I need some place to “vent” other than my journal. I’m looking for either advice, or prayers, or any little nugget that can help me.
There are many facets to this issue but right now my need to write is based on the fact that we’re newly married, pregnant with our first child, Catholic, and although my husband has good job and is fully capable of providing for us, we are not making ends meet because of his civil obligation to his ex wife (annulled). For an indeterminate amount of time, he is paying the full mortgage payment on their former house where she lives still. It was part of their legal divorce agreement. He’s paying our mortgage too. We’ve only made it by so far because of gifts from family and friends from our wedding, tax return money and because I’ve sold some stock that I had before we got married.
Our mutually agreed upon lifestyle is for me to be a stay at home mom, and for me to work from home when I can and want to because I am set up to do that. My income is to be for “extras” like savings, trips, gas money for a weekend away, extra baby items, etc. We live simply. This was all talked about before we got married. Our mistake prior to getting married was not to run all our numbers ahead of time, but even if we did, there are and will always be unforeseen expenses that will need to be paid. My husband believes God will provide, and I was trying to have that faith as well. I did tell him I was concerned we wouldn’t be able to make it - the mortgage payment obligation is quite significant.
Although I’ve been put in charge of our finances (budgeting and paying the bills) and have done spreadsheets that show where our money is going each month and that shows a deficit each month, my husband still thinks everything “will work out.” There is a way to end the financial obligation to his ex wife, but he is in no hurry - and no worry - about moving it along. He says - it is what it is. He can’t change anything now. He’s built up a small amount of debt on credit card since he moved into his new home, and has done some remodeling and we have used our credit cards to get by in emergency situations. We don’t have any money in a savings account to draw from. And if this continues, we won’t. There’s nothing “extra” to put away.
Even if I can just have faith that everything will work out, neither of us wants to add to our credit card bills by charging things, but we’re going to have to pay for utilities and necessary things that way. If I can just get over that and accept that for this timeframe we will just add debt, I can’t feel good about even going for a hair cut, or planning out the baby’s room. We need to buy car seats and diapers and I have dreamed of enjoying my pregnancy by painting the room or getting even the minimal things babies need. Let alone, taking care of myself too. I feel guilty buying groceries - to buy the healthy things I should be eating. When I look at the cupboard for food, I think that if I eat it, it will be gone and we’ll have to buy more, and we don’t have money to spend on extra groceries, etc. This may sound overly dramatic, but it is what I think and feel.
Aside from whether this is “right or wrong”, and how we got into this situation in the first place, it is what it is now, and this is a cross I am to carry, and I need to make the best of what we’re dealing with now. I just have a hard time not feeling resentment and some anger or frustration toward my husband. This has not been a wonderful start to our marriage and our pregnancy. This is on my mind all the time and it causes me stress and to feel less close to my husband. Especially when he does not feel distress or concern about our financial situation or how I feel about it. It’s something that causes problems if I bring it up. He will not bring it up himself, so I have to, and when I do, he takes it as an attack on him and his decisions and what he feels are his obligations. He sees this whole situation as something I need to just deal with on my own, and if I have suggestions, ideas, he feels I’m “calling the shots.”
Should I just go on with life as I would want it to be? Do the things I feel I need to do (within reason) for myself, my pregnancy, for our family, even if it means using our credit card? Do I fast or sacrifice something and just focus on prayer, like, all the time? How do I find a balance? Peace in my mind and heart? I do have some tools and things I’m working on and am in the process of that. But I really need a place to vent a little and receive any thoughts or advice or even prayers from some good people.
Thank you.
NW
and she even admits she did not need to stay in that house. It was offered, she took the offer in lieu of moving, and money, and that is fine. UNLESS you intend to move on and get married to someone else and be open to a family and that kind of thing. Which is something my husband did not take into consideration at that point in time, because he wasn’t expecting it.